I write to you today from the dark realms of exhaustion street. It was not long after our last meeting that i was to discover that the 'big room swap over' in my home was not over :0(
Seeing an empty room what used to be my pit of a studio child 3 was in love. I could tell this by the way she rolled around the multi coloured carpet and played i am aeroplanes all about the place.
'erm mum can i have this room?' ' can you paint it sponge bob? Aw pwease mummy!!' I did i have to say actually make this hideous suggestion quite some months ago, before i became immensely fat, started to suffer swollen ankles, bursitis in each hip and before the carpel tunnel syndrome kicked in :0/
Boy 40 thought it a fabulous idea only he does not have the talent to paint a giant sponge bob square pants, Patrick star and all of their weird friends on the walls :0/ Being as soft as marsh mallows i stupidly agreed to it. If anyone has ever seen child 3's bedroom you will agree that it looks like a burglary. We have a huge family and very many lovely Friends who are all very kind and generous. For this i am extremely grateful and consider myself very lucky, but it does mean that child 3's room is stacked up to the rafters with every toy you can imagine. 7 years worth of birthdays and Christmases not to mention toys passed down from the other two.
It has taken an entire week to transfer it all and endless hours of precise painting ( i may have to charge her full illustration rates, and danger money from climbing up to the cabin bed) My knees have turned inside out from kneeling for too long, my neck is cricked from being in a drawing mode for a week and i can no longer feel my own hand :0( but hey these are the sacrifices we make to please our kids.........
Whilst getting up extra early on one of these long days i discover out of the bathroom window sat at the top of my garden steps a fox! A fox i tell you as bold as brass just sat there and staring at me whilst listening to the Guinea pigs who were tweeting like mentalists as usual.The rabbit was keeping her gob shut and i don't blame her!
The little git sat there for 2 hours just casing the joint. Boy 40 thinks it may be the same fox he now wishes he didn't save one morning on the way to work.
The fox in our family is now commonly known as the 'fox dog' fox dog because of the darkness of the hour in what boy 40 saved it, he could only see its arse you see. May be it had returned to thank him for pulling the 6ft drain pipe off of its head as it was walking about the main road blind and disorientated at 5.30 am. Or may be it was angry that boy 40 had intervened it could have been some dodgy fox sport of which he was winning? it could have been the best bit of piping he had ever found and so was now seeking revenge. On my fat juicy Guinea pigs. Well for what ever reason he was there and is on the prowl and so now i am sleeping with one eye open and the bathroom window open too in case he comes back.
That of course is when i do sleep 'Insomniac Island' (now an official facebook page) Still appears to be one of my most visited places :0( I have just come to the conclusion though that my brain is far too busy thinking to go to sleep, i have been trying to get to sleep all of my life, i mean what a waste of time, i may as well spend more time writing crap like this and working out ways to rule the world.
Its too hard to sleep in my house anyway, last Tuesday for instance Boy 40 was snoring like a water Buffalo and child 3 was sleeping in the middle like a star fish, it was like playing a game of tetris in there trying to squeeze my fat self in to the ridicules space which was free. I decided that to go sleep with the dawg was a better option and so headed downstairs to camp sofa. .......... That was worse! The dog thought that 3 am was a most excellent time for an all over body wash, the licking and slurping quite frankly made me feel sick and to make matters worse it was louder than a car wash. And then the hideous farting began :0( I did not much like my dog at this point and was very tempted to put her up for sale on EBay, Of course i would not mention the farting in my sales pitch and would defiantly offer free and immediate delivery.
This week has been good and bad really, the bad being off of this morning when child 2 came downstairs full of snot coughing like a trouper and sporting a spluting out nose bleed which reached down to the floor :0(
This is all very unfortunate, she has been well for 6 whole weeks!!!! 6 weeks is good for her, but now a few days before she starts big school the snot fairy arrives!! :0( So i shall again be battling that bloody dark arts snot fairy fest with antibiotics, nebulisers, build up tonics and vitamin C. I 'shall' beat her this time and my princess WILL go to the ball, i mean school. Just to add to her misery and disappointment we shall be attending yet another hospital appointment down in Frenchay tomorrow, my poor little lady must feel like some kind of medical experiment its so not fair :'0(
Flipping the coin last Thursday was one of my most happy if not apprehensive days ever. It was GCSE results day and i was bricking it!! At 7 am i left insomniac island on a boat and sailed down the stairs, where i proceeded to busily sand down a table and paint it to take my mind off of the 10.am results time. I then went back upstairs and painted Patrick star unsure of what ailment was worse the nervous shakes or the numbness in my hands from the carpel tunnel :0/
I then very nearly killed the cat :0/ she really should not have jumped from that tree on to the outside of a second floor window, i was only trying to save her from the inside :0/ ..... she seemed to survive the drop though :0/ Very soon it was 9.30 and i was shouting the boy child to get out of bed, he was not as nervous as me and strolled about slowly getting ready with out a care in the world (he gets that from boy 40)
On the drive to school he tells me of a story of how someones Alevel results spelt DUDE. He thought that was very funny and wondered what his would spell........ this made me worse :0/
So we bump in to a load of his Friends along the main road outside school, out he hops and i watch them all walk in, not one of them looked afraid! Narrowly missing a cyclist head on i turned in to the car park and waited, texts were coming in thick and fast from scores of people wanting to know how he did, this also made me feel worse. I really must stop being this way i am sure if i had to wait any longer than i did i would have given birth there and then! nervous tummy aches are not good to have when you are 23 weeks pregnant. And then the Little dude appeared strolling along, his blonde head bobbing up and down chatting on his phone, turns out that daddy had phoned him and was the first to know his results! grr boy 40 i wanted to know first!!
Still 400 metres away i could not hold back anymore and so wound down the window. 'WHAT DOES IT SPELL?????' i screamed AAAAAAAAA boy child screamed back!!! i screamed back too but louder. OMG '9' A'S 9 bloody A'S and an A* and 2 B's!!!! It is official my boy child is a super genius!! After nearly weeing myself i sent around a mass text to all of our family and friends whilst boy child phone his Nan & Gramps. I think i have only just stopped shaking god knows what ill be like on his uni graduation day :0/
We went straight to town where we opened up a bank account for him where i deposited a hefty sum of money of what i had been saving for this since year 8 just for this purpose, Suffice to say that many other people had had the same idea and he has many well done gifts of cash and such like rewards for being so good.
Child 3 i think was a little put out by all of the fuss he was receiving and looked rather jealous at every text message which came through, child 2 was as usual just happy for her big brother and added a sorry comment about how poor she will be on her results day because shes missed so much school. I reassured her she would be fine of course being our future priminister she will be loaded ;0) ' Come on ' i said in an attempt to cheer 2 and 3 up lets go spend your pocket money from Granny. I knew the soft rocket air puffer gun was a mistake as soon as i saw the look in child 3's eyes when she saw it :0/ This theory was to be confirmed when she accidentaly shot an old lady in the head in Wilkinson's :0/ She has made a pest of herself with it ever since and i am now glad that it is stuck up on top of the porch roof. I did however catch the little monkey standing on a garden chair in an attempt to climb up to get it.
That evening g the boy child went to an exam results celebration party with his pals. Boy 40 took child 2 and 3 Laser tagging for a treat for child 3's birthday coming up. Gawd help them all i thought as they left, she had had much gun practice on this day already :0/ So i was all alone painting a large pink snail, this was when the shout out on the radio came through to congratulate my boy. Typically i was the only person who heard it because they were all out, only it was no surprise to me cos i was the one who text the DJ :0/
So the week ended in a shopping trip and a lovely celebratory meal for the boy child. I knew though however that i had again purchased too much shopping when the car thought it (the shopping) was an 'Actual' person and started beeping at it to put its seat belt on :0/ i really must get some therapy for this addiction.
That's it really campas i was going to share with you a couple of interesting things wot i found in the dark depths of my studio last week but that will have to wait till next week, you are all probably bored to tears of me by now .
Just one last thing though of what i must warn you. Never trust a salt and vinegar crisp!
Last night i was sitting there minding my own business when a crisp i was eating catapulted itself right in to my left eye! Why this freak thing would happen to me i do not know but expect my goblins had something to do with it. I flitted about a bit in hideous pain and then ran in to the kitchen Boy 40 ran after me like a 999 rescue force. The crisp and all of its salt and vinegaryness was stuck up inside my left eye lid and it flimmin hurt a lot. I am very aware of scratched eye balls from a friend of mine and a Christmas tree accident a few years ago and they are not pleasant. I kept my eye closed well i couldn't open it anyway, and boy 40 bathed it with some warm water hoping that that my eye ball would soak up all of the flavour and soften the crisps sharp edges. Thankfully it worked and it came out, i was glad to be avoiding an embarrassing trip to casualty with a salt and vinegar crisp stuck up my eye. Anyway i really must go now child 3 has painted a T.Shirt with red poster paint in my bathroom what i have just cleaned :0( she has told me not to worry about the mess already which leaves me again in nervous anticipation :0/
Just one last thing. A quick question before i go which i think needs addressing. Put to me originally by child 3, she does i feel have a very good point and has raised health and safety issues we all need to be aware of.
" What happens if you have an Electric Blanket and you wet the bed???"
Answers on a post card please.
Until next time i leave you with sponge bob xx turrah
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