Baby Showers, Cornish Showers and the orphan mouse who lives in my Shower :0/

Greetings my faithful friends followers and stalkers
I firstly will apologies for the delay in this blog (again) i now have severe pregnancy brain malfunction and am finding every day tasks like: writing, talking and walking in a straight line very difficult :o/ ............. Much like a Saturday night out really from times gone by, although you don't recover in any way the next day.
Stupidity is something i now have a degree in, just take this instance of right now!! I have just grilled the kids tea :0( 3 pieces of fish in batter grilled, its black on the top and uncooked inside this follows the last 30 minutes previous to this mistake of the oven actually being off when i thought it was on :0/
I have also had flash backs this week to the Tiffany's jumper incident from one of Aprils blogs :0( although this time it was not a jumper i scorched with fire on the stove but a scarf :0(
The smoke alarm kind of outed my mistake in a very loud way. The enchiladas that night  were of a rather woolly consistency, i took off the burnt bits though and it wasn't that noticeable so it wasn't all bad:0/
 I am seriously thinking of doing a risk assessment on my self and putting the findings of 'complete incompetence' in certificate form on my kitchen wall. At least then i may legally not be able to cook anymore and for that everyone will be grateful.
 The dog was however very grateful last Tuesday when i took out a baking tray without oven gloves, the food (our dinner) was dropped all over the floor and she gladly ate it all up :0( my food bill has doubled over the past few weeks due to the duplicate meals i have been cooking.
 If cupboards could eat my kitchen cupboard next to the dishwasher would also be very grateful. I have now chucked at least five dirty pots/ plates on separate occasions in to it instead of the dishwasher :0( It is a messy habit to be in and so is the one when i randomly empty hoover bags on to the floor instead of in the bin, after i have already hoovered :0( I also left the dog out and went out the other day its a good job i realised before id got too far ............. If any doctors are reading this please email me to reassure me this is normal pregnancy behaviour because I'm beginning to wonder.
       Well other crap things off of the last 2 weeks include the fact that my pajamas no longer fit me and i soon will be wearing a potato sack to bed. Various companies keep sending me wine brochures which i think is very unfair. And i hit a golfer in the head in a sidewinder wind accident with the dogs ball last Thursday :0(
Although on balance i expect that more dog walkers have been hit by golf balls, so in life's universal balance I'm probably a hero.
       I found out two Wednesdays ago that the lock does not work on the disabled toilet in my local Costa coffee :0/ My friend found it very amusing as she watched the middle aged man approach the toilet door and open it :o( I'm not really sure how amused he was when he saw me there 'a hideous water buffalo' trying to arrange ones tangled undergarments of which i have not been able to see for months now. In fact anything could be going on under that bump of mine, my feet could have fallen off and i would have no idea.
 He was shocked to say the least but that really was no excuse not to shut the door again afterwards! i am still traumatised to this day!
 Then ladies and gentlemen if that was not enough  to piss me off in this short span of a few days i went down with the plague!! Yes the plague! I never catch anything but just to top it off i was to catch what child 2 had the week before and had to have a week off of school for. The amount of physio i did mind you it was probably inevitable, Those coughed up germs had to go somewhere i suppose.
            Following a week of nearly passing out being as hot as a nuclear power station and having more snot than a snot factory i was glad to start getting better. My friends have also been very kind to me lately in just one week alone i was bought chocolate for a cheer me up present, made a lovely pair of earrings given some fabbydoo hair products and had many cake delivery's.
 I have also been treated to a baby shower this week down the local pub! i am glad to say i stayed up past 8.30pm like a normal human being and had a most excellent time with some amazing friends who also bought me lovely presents including a basket full of goodies and a nappy cake full of scrummy baby stuff, so hey things cant be that rubbish after all!!
          Child 3 has been up to her usual tricks the first thing to report would be the lizard which i found living  in her room :0( She is unsure of how it got there but i think it was from one of her survival missions to the forest woods, (the garden) i chased it about for 20 minutes he sure was a fast little git! I shall attach now a photo of her survival kit, apparently this is all you will ever need to survive in the forest woods (the garden), for 3 whole days!! A secret agent id card, a water bottle some sweets  and a fart box !! genius

She did not however stay up there for 3 days probably about 10 minutes :0/
         The plague was bad and i stayed in bed for 2 days one of these days i was alarmed when child 3 came up stairs looking a little worried........ Mum there's a dusty man in the kitchen!!
         I knew boy 40 was about somewhere but was rather confused as i had not heard the door. Mum quick go and look at the dusty man he has no hair, hes sat at the table with a big news paper :0/ ....... As per usual child 3's imagination was on overtime, she grabbed a super soaker from her room as defense. On entering the kitchen i find boy 40 and one of our oldest friends at the table. He'd popped round on his way home from work to look at some plans of electrics, he was bald and dusty but hes always been bald and dusty since he first time i saw him, about 2o years ago. Child 3 just laughed when she saw who it was but still shot him anyway :0/.
 The next thing to capture her imagination was the following morning. Just ready to leave school and she pops to the toilet, 'Muuuuuum look Ive done a blue wee!' she shouts down the stairs 'really?' i replied 'yeah come and look quick, its great !!' she was very excited by this unusual occurrence. Myself and child 2 had a look and indeed she had done a 'blue wee' the water was bright blue and for this she was very proud. Child 2 was amazed she had never seen anyone do a blue wee before. Child 3 of course thought she was now some kind of super hero and made me promise to leave it there so she could show boy child and daddy when they arrived home that evening.
I closed off that particular toilet to guests that day and let her go off to school thinking that she had done a blue wee, i didn't really have the heart to tell her it was the blue block id put in the cistern the night before, i might tell her one day when she's about 25, that was about the same age my sister was when i told her that our next door neighbour didn't really eat our pet hedgehog :0/ About the same age as i was when i discovered foxy loxy really did eat chicken licken (my mum was very protective in her story reading skills) :0(
              We attempted to visit Cornwall again last weekend, the weather has been lovely for October so i booked a last minute 3 day holiday, a nice relaxing break before child the 4th arrives. The weather was indeed quite nice the first day we were there, we all sat on the beach and watched child 3 try and 'kill the sea' ? with her new spade :0/ I am presuming the sea took offence to this as that night the hurricane winds came followed by the rain, i have to say it was quite cosy in the caravan until about 2 o'clock in the morning when i thought the windows may all blow in on us :0(   I would like to show you the evidence  now.... look at this!!

This campas is not a waterfall!!! these are steps! in the middle of a town :0/ All of the rivers were on flood alert, many roads looked like actual rivers and we were nearly blown to kingdom come. The lady at the village shop said she hadn't seen weather like this since the end of April!! mmmm yes i replied i haven't seen weather like this since the end of April either and that was indeed the last time i was in Cornwall. :0( So i would like to apologies to the people of Cornwall for the atrocious weather you experienced last weekend. I shall try and stay away at least until next summer, although eating soggy pasties in the car was not much fun either and at least I'm not as bad as my best friend Sarah. She escaped Cornwall  over a crumbling bridge in a land rover followed by the massive flood of Boscastle :0/ (i blame that all on her) in fact she needs to write a blog too what with that close encounter and her cliff top rescue  one year :0/  We probably should both stay away from holiday destinations with our record of blown away tents / vehicles falling down hills on campsites etc :0(
          So Cornwall was a wash out but strangely we did have a lovely time, until that was we had driven for 3 and a half hours, Radio 2 was to tell of us of the road closure of our entire village when we were about a mile away from home :0( we had come a hundred odd miles in the pissing down rain and did we see one accident? no! (this is how bad my road is). Our home was 1 minute away when we came across the road block. Some poor girl had been knocked down by a car right outside our house, we parked the car elsewhere and walked the rest of the way to discover 2 ambulances 2 first response cars, 3 police cars and an air ambulance. It makes you wonder when the twatty highways will slow the road down?, I wrote to them 4 years ago but they don't really give a shit, thankfully the girl was airlifted to hospital and is going to be ok. So to all of you arse holes who drive down our road like idiots just remember people actually live here and that you are a bunch of twats!  Gloucestershire highways sort it out you bunch of halfwits. Its no good saying there has to be 'history' on the road which means death because that's just a sick cop out for your uncaring incompetence, My poor little brother is what you call 'history' because of the low tolerance levels on another shitty road around here, we did note you resurfaced it within hours of his death to cover your backs though arseholes!.
            Anyway Soz about that rant it just makes me really angry and was not a nice thing for my kids to come home too.
          So at home we were and everyone felt a bit sad due to the circumstance on our return. As per usual when you get home from holiday there is no food in the house, boy 40 decided to cheer up the kids and order a pizza. Duh!! he then had to un order it because the road was closed.
The boy child tired of travelling then got up. 'Where are you off? i asked. Got to go and fetch Duncan Biscuit he replied. Who the hell is Duncan Biscuit you may ask? Well ill tell you, he is the stinky piss smelling little mouse which is now living in my shower room. Boy child and his friend bought the said piss smelling mouse for a birthday present for a friend before we went away. It turns out his friend is allergic to mice as is his whole family :0(. (boy child has the same kind of luck as me) So anyway Duncan was evicted from his new home i shan't bore you with details but he ended up living at the local school, he does smell badly of piss and for this they too evicted him, so he goes to live 3 doors down.
For probably the same piss smelling reasons he was too evicted from this his 3rd home. Not really what i needed after the day id had but ok. The boy child admits parental responsibility for this rodent and so hence the reason for him living in my shower room :0( I'm thinking to admit liability for this piss ridden rodent was not a good move and from things i know he may well be chased by The Csa or the Msa for roughly 20 grand until the mouse has grown up and is able to fend for his piss ridden self :0/ silly mistake boy child :0(
          Talking of the boy child i worried as i dropped him off in town a few weeks ago dressed as a sailor, hat and all :0/ he was off to a rag bash but there are many weirdos in town and i worried for his safety, even boy 40 who's laid back as anything was worried he may get beaten up.
Worried that was until i saw 8 thunder birds one cave man and captain America walk past my house, they were obviously off to the same place. All was well until 11.45 when he rings me and says 'mum can you come get me quick my lift has gone without me ! :0( yeah fine i thought I'm only 31 weeks pregnant its bloody freezing outside, Boy 40 was asleep i dare not wake him cos child 3 is in my bed again firmly cuddling daddy around the neck, and if she wakes up it'll be sponge bob till dawn. So off i rush in my nightie a coat and a pair of boots in to the night. I found my sailor boy outside waitrose thankfully before any weirdos found him. So cheers oh parent driver of that night that was a very sensible way to behave, fancy dumping a sailor in the middle of town and sodding off without him grrrrr.
          So here we are sorry if you've been bored witless, this half term has been crap and I'm at the top of child 2's get it list again!! we have since last Friday been travelling about the countryside at hospital appointments all week so i don't have to take her out of school in term time, this has also included injections and blood tests :0(  hopefully one day she will understand that its not all my fault :0( She is though however also allergic to Duncan Biscuit so if anyone wants a piss stinking mouse let me know
Until next time
See yaw xxx

P.S The name Duncan Biscuit is strictly copyrighted  ;0)

Week 28 in my big mothers house :0/

Good evening Campas
I write to you today following another week of pure calamity :0/ I'm not sure that this level of brain malfunction in pregnancy is normal? The only explanation i have would be that the recent discovery of  the 'voodoo pregnancy fairy' in my life, has got my  voodoo doll and has done some kind of partial brain removal surgery on it.
        So its week 28 in child 4's Big mothers house. At least it was when i started writing this blog, i am late in putting it out because i wrote the whole lot and deleted it immediately afterwards ! duh!! I put that down to finger carpal tunnel malfunction, or was it my brain that told me to do it? i just don't know any more :0/
I actually wrote this blog from the mouth of child four, based on her perspective of life inside my (irritated womb) that's what the midwife called it yesterday! well of course its bloody irritated its not been used to this kind of thing for 9 years, it probably thought its job was done, id be bloody irritated too if i was brought out of retirement like that!
I feel now that its probably good that i deleted it because it was full of her muffled swear words, (the only words she hears), tales of a shite Island in the night and  unexpected  fair ground rides of terror! :0/  To be honest id rather spend 9 months in Guantanamo bay and i don't envy my baby at all, to spend all of this time inside myself would be a bloody nightmare, its bad enough being me on the outside.
         Take for instance the Nights when i stop breathing, we are both fast asleep and all of a sudden child 4 is propelled upright like a human catapult. This is the reaction as my brain kicks in and says 'breathe you idiot' I then make hideous water buffalo noises whilst trying to  get breath through the swollen up air passages behind my nose and throat, this reaction works thankfully and I'm glad to say I'm still alive. I now have some anti inflammatory spray for this problem and am hoping to sleep soon. Currently i am losing 4 hours sleep every night that's 20 hours a week 80 hours a month and1040 hours a year!!! no wonder I'm a mentalist!!
 This week on insomniac island i have mostly been worrying about child  2 who is unfortunately unwell again. I can tell you this is agreeable to neither of us. Physio, pharmaceutical medicine make ups, Pep masks, nebulisers and inhalers are not easy when you are tired and fat :0(
         So tired am i now that accidents some days are just unavoidable. Last Tuesday i took a trip to the super market, the first point in my defense your honer is that trolley shouldn't have been in my parking space! and secondly that man  certainly should not have been riding a bike so close to my car door :0/
Things did not improve when i entered the place Trolleys aren't the best things to maneuver when you are a 'normal' human being!....... and this was my only defense as it swung around very fast and smashed in to another lady's trolley. Her small child was not impressed and immediately began to cry :0( I then proceeded to bash in to one of the displays knocking down hideous amounts of tinned fruit. I ran away quickly from this disaster only to bump in to someone else who grrrred at me in an un kind way :0(  ........... I left the place quite quickly after that with not much stuff i needed, i went my fastest to pick up  to child 3  from school only to find i was not supposed to be there because she had an after school club :0/
You may think sleep now is a necessary part of my life but when i do sleep its not good for me either, nor boy 40 it seems, or indeed my unfortunate friend :0/
          'Apparently' although i have no knowledge of this, i sat bolt up right in bed one night last week and shouted 'HAVE YOU SEEN THAT HORSE???' at the top of my voice, not much wakes boy 40 but the apparent upset caused to myself by an imaginary lost horse awoke him immediately. He spent the next few minutes actually having a conversation with me about the missing horse :0/ the only way to shut me up was to say that he had found the horse and that it was fine! ....... bonkers
          He has also now confiscated my mobile phone from me and hides it every night :0/  I'm unsure if sleep texting is common but my good friend Sally was not impressed by it :0/
'Apparently' (well now i know its true because i read the evidence in my sent box) she was rudely awoken by me at 3 Am by a text which said 'im just on my way to pick up the keys! ' :0/ ..... Although quite proud of my ability to actually send a text successfully in my sleep i am also rather embarrassed about it :0(
          I am blaming Doc Martin entirely, this was the night i fell asleep dreaming of a sunny holiday in Cornwall (if that could ever exist in my life). I can only presume i was picking up some imaginary keys on my way there. Sally was confused to say the least as she has never owned a holiday cottage in Cornwall and neither does she want too. So Sal I'm publicly apologising to you for this now, I'm especially sorry that it was on a work night :0/  I'm glad though that you are still my friend and that you found it funny the next day once you had removed the tired match sticks holding up your eyes :0/
          Boy 40 took a look through my phone after the sally incident and checked out the out box, this is where messages go if they fail to send. mmmmm there were a good few there, none of them made actual sense and thankfully the numbers they were supposed to go to did not exist, we both laughed a lot at them and i have been the source of amusement in the family ever since :0( .....May be I'm not as good at sleep texting as i thought :0/
            Other twatty things i have done this week include taking the 'wrong cat to the vets :0/  I'm not sure if anyone has ever done this before but i found it highly embarrassing, i mean what the hell do you say?? The 'right' cat went AWOL early that morning, i told the kids not to let her out but they didn't seem to understand those simple words. Being in a massive rush as usual, i was multi tasking (something my brain can no longer do) 8.AM Sandwiches to be made, kids to dress, breakfasts, bus passes, medicines, keys , shoes , dog lead, the list goes on. Its no wonder so many things go so wrong.
I saw the cat and subconsciously must have known it was the 'wrong' cat, but it was 'a' cat and the only one i had so i quickly shoved it in the cat box.
          The dog was a pain in the arse at the vets as usual but had her boosters done, whilst nervously farting i may add causing my cheeks to fire up red. It was at that moment that my whole face went red, there was indeed a black tail sticking out of the cat box, it should have been a grey one :0( I then knew immediately what i had done and felt very foolish. I tried to make up fake cat illnesses in my head but no good ones would come so i just had to own up.
         Twatty things that other people have done to me this week include the lady who walked in front of my car on Tuesday and insisted  that 'she' had the right of way............ on the road, where cars go ?? She was well angry :0(
Also the person slash weasel who let down my entire village last Monday by gossiping to the head teacher (who is a neighbour and friend) by telling her about a private comment i made on face book about the school nothing bad just a passing comment?????
         I mean for gods sake my status updates and the entire garbage what comes out of my mouth must really be taken with a pinch of salt! It is true that some people do not understand my somewhat sarcastic sense of humour (mainly people with personality bypasses) but anyway what can i expect?. That's what its like living in a small village where 'nothing' happens, the flimmin vicar knew i was pregnant before i did and you can't even fart without it being in the village news letter!
            Talking about farting child 3 nearly took out the whole of Swindon last Saturday :0/ Ill come back to child 3 in a moment I'm saving the best till last.
          Have you ever had a feud with an inanimate object? just wondered if it was a common problem. I have many and boy 40 although he loves me very much he thinks im not right. I fight mainly with, that god awful hoover the dishwasher and my hairdryer :0/
 I am sad to say though i now have a new mortal enemy in the shape of a helium balloon :0( Its been kicking around since child 3's birthday in September I'm staring at it right now. I swear to you its evil! On its string its exactly my height, i think the static electricity in my wayward hair attracts it to me, it floats about behind me all day dragging its string and plastic weight behind it like some kind of ghostly entity.  I have jumped out of my skin many times to turn around  finding  it right there in my face, its like a bad ass villain off of Doctor Who, silently there freaking me out at every opportunity. There were two of them but i luckily killed one  in an unfortunate scissor incident :0/  I'm just glad they cannot go upstairs, they cant lift you see just float.
Boy 40 arrived home last Thursday (i worry that he worry's about coming home sometimes) to find me having a physical punching fight with it. Its hard to get sausages out of the oven with a hideous balloon in your face, of course when you punch the thing out of the way it just comes back like bopper bear. no amount of swearing is helping but child 3 is quite attached to it so what can i do?
            So that's nearly it god I'm more boring this week than ever before!
Child 3 ......... where the hell do i start?
 I ll start with the day after the village idiot got me marched in to school.( grrrrr still very angry about that)  Child 3 who we all know is very inventive , decided to draw a Voldemort scar on her forehead with pink permanent marker pen :0/
           I kind of thought it would be bad form to send child 3 to school with a Voldemort scar on her head on this day as it could have been misinterpreted for protection, as some kind of war declaration in the fight against the two faced Facebook dark arts reporter and her tales of woe . Which of course although angry about this Face book policing and silencing of freedom of speech in a gestapo manner, I'm not one to fall out with people i like. By the way i deleted them and can safely say that all 178 friends i have are actually proper friends now.
          The forehead  took some scrubbing but we managed it, she did arrive at school looking a little like Mr Blobby but no one would be surprised by that.
          The Saturday before last we went on a family day out to Lego land a promised treat for child 1 and 3 for their birthdays. The main reason for the visit was for child 3 to obtain a Lego land driving licence, her friend Gracie has one you see and she has been very envious for quite some time.
          I figured that if i also put boy 40 through the same driving test the police may  let him off of his speeding ticket? im going to send the new licence to DVLA so they can put the points on that one.
        Following a whole day on my feet i nearly exploded, the kids had a brilliant time though , apart from that fight at the end :0/
        Talking of explosions child 3 had been experiencing tummy troubles the week prior to this and was still suffering a little. As i seem to be the worlds worst junk food addict at the moment my eagle eye was the first to spot a  Kentucky fried chicken in Swindon on our way home
. Boy 40 pulled over and we went in. The place wasn't packed but had enough diners to be satisfactory busy. This was when it all started. So  as  many times before we have all been sitting there happily eating and chatting when child 3 starts turning  green. :0/
" I cant eat anymore" she said, i immediately agreed with her, after the pizza hut episode of the last blog you can imagine i felt quite scared. It was at this moment that her face squirmed a little and she let one go from her trouser area :0( I did not know where to look and at that moment i thought the sick episode was less embarrassing at least that was not so loud :0/
The gas inside this small person could have powered a small cottage. Of course child 2 spat her chicken across the table in complete hysterics. The boy child tried to refrain from laughing at this rude behaviour  but the shakes he had and the tears in his eyes kind of gave him away. Child 3 was of course most impressed by this strange phenomena and repeated the action. She also found it hilariously funny. 
The Asian lady and her large  family opposite however did not and i worried for her elders which she had obviously taken out for a quite meal, they appeared confused (Granny pegler has never in her life laughed at a bottom explosion from her grandchild) so i completely understood an old persons view on the matter   :0( 
I was unsure at this point what to do, we were only half way through the meal.
 " Ive got tummy ache!" she piped up loudly. "No Shit" i mouthed to boy 40 who was also trying his best to ignore it. She then fired out another one which i swear lasted for over 30 seconds. These wind outbursts were also very very loud, much louder than any one's conversation. By now i think her tummy ache was easing a little as she appeared to be  enjoying her un expected hot air display a bit too much.
 Thankfully it was time to leave after 20 minutes of it, and i thought a trip to the toilet was appropriate we still had quite a few miles to travel. This meant of course walking through the entire dining area. I pulled her along quite quickly on the way back towards the door. She was now trying to forcibly expel more air as it had appeared to have run out, her new human whoopee cushion status was obviously pleasing her immensely. I explained how doing this action could go very very wrong and was not something i wanted to experience in Kentucky fried chicken at 7 pm on a Saturday night. 
Sadly this was the funniest scenario she had ever heard of and very nearly collapsed with laughter on the floor :0/
            I would like to apologies to the good people of Swindon, for the lack of respect my daughter showed to your meal out on that Saturday evening :0( 
             She is better now you will be glad to hear and has just started playing in a girls foot ball team. She is very proud of her new shiny football boots and has enjoyed wearing them to Tesco the doctors and to bed this week :0/
 I slightly worry about  her need to keep asking people to kick her hard in the shins though :0/ I'm sure shin pads are not for that!! She is apparently very good at the game, mind you she always has been good at kicking stuff . We have given her a new nick name which she is proud of. " I may play foot ball like David  Beckham" she stated " But I'm not going to call 'my' new baby Half past seven"  I raised my eye brows as did boy 40 we then laughed which is exactly what she wanted.
            Anyway i shall keep you no more Until next time dudes ;0) 
xxxxx

*  NEVER LET THIS EVIL BALLOON IN TO YOUR HOME