Greetings one and all I hope i find you all well on this dull September morning.
To be honest with you i don't know where to start this week. The dog has kindly just added me to the population of Insomniac island at 4.Am this morning by barking at invisible things again :0/
Boy 40 is asleep so i have kindly put my cold feet on him to keep them warm, i need to write this weeks blogget there is no time at the weekend but i cant be letting down 2500 odd readers can i? 2500 my god i have to pinch myself when i look at the stats thanks guys who ever you are, my therapy sessions are getting bigger every week, i would like you all to consider yourselves at NVQ level in the counselling of a mentalist!!! Please email me if you would like a certificate.
Well i cant be bothered to get out of bed its still dark and i have no pen or paper just my mobile phone and many things to say. Well Its not a bad idea for 4 A.m i suppose the phones got background light, writing won't make scratchy noises and there is no paper to shuffle. This campas is to be my first text-ed blog!!
To be honest i should be glad that i still have a mobile phone :0/ I am very lucky that its has not been obliterated in to a million tiny pieces, stamped on a thousand times, chucked off of my balcony, run over by my car, set on fire and chucked in to the bottom of the river with a brick attached to it!!!! BECAUSE 'THATS' WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH IT!!!
Ooh sorry about that i still appear to be a little sensitive about the infuriating incident of what i experienced on Tuesday :0(
To say i have transmogrified in to Mr Twiddle or Frank Spencer would be an understatement, i mean i know i have always been this way, creating problems where there are none stressing myself like Mr Jelly when there is no need, but my pregnant brain is far far worse in fact im sure part of it has fallen out.
I realised last Tuesday that i had not seen my mobile phone all day and decided to go fetch it, quite sure it was in my bedroom.
I couldn't see it so i rang it .......... I am still hearing those hideous vibrating sounds in my sleep :0( I could clearly hear my phone but could not see it. This was ok for the first 5 minutes of looking and then it became infuriating.
Being as fat as me is not funny anymore :0( Bending down is a task which has to be done sideways or from a stand up starfish position.
Like the rest of my house there are many draws wardrobes and useless things that i 'Apparently' need in my room. The hmmmmm vibrating noise i finely pin pointed it to its precise location, the very center of my bed. I checked under the duvet nothing, rang it again checked in the pillows nothing, I took the duvet out of the room rang it again nothing it was not in the duvet, this was part one of my excavation. The noise was still coming from the center of the bed grrrr, i was now beginning to swear a lot!! I took everything off of the bed and flung in in to the landing in anger. Rang it again, the noise was still in the center of the bed. Right then it must be under the bed. I flung off the mattress in a He-Man moment. I would not recommend this action on a heavy king size mattress if you are 25 weeks pregnant :0(
Under the bed was , well the only way i can describe it is..... 'The local Landfill site!' :0/ Grrr by now it was driving me insane what a waste of time i had so many other things to do.
I searched the contents of the landfill which mainly consisted of kids toys old mobile phones random odd socks and various books which have only been half read because they got lost.
The Hmmmmm was still in the same place may be my ears are deceiving me at the the moment?, everything else seems to be upside down or inside out my brain included. So i decided to move the search location to the chest of draws, may be i put it in one of them?
Already engulfed in this cave of wonders mess which was now quite deep this action made it worse, especially when i pulled them out from the wall revealing another bomb site :0/ You know my work desk? and how it used to resemble a 2p machine in an arcade, well my chest of draws was pretty much the same. Stuff gets put on other stuff gets pushed off :0( I did find a tenner and some stuff i lost for ages but this was no consolation for the hideous mess which would take hours to sort out. Someone was actually now ringing the stupid phone, which was helpful it was not near the draws so then my wardrobe got it :0(
By now i was furious, madder than a mad hatter whose been sectioned! 3 bloody hours i had been ringing my phone and searching. I happily imagined in a little mirage of what i would do to it if i found it this mainly involved much foot stamping and hot fire!!
Then the boy child arrived home he could see by my face that i was doing something insane, he was not impressed by the state of the upstairs now engulfed in a sea of underbed stuff and i agreed i would make an excellent burglar.In fact im thinking of changing careers im so good at it!
Seeing mummy needed help (in many ways) he rang my phone.............
hmmmmmm came the hideous noise which went right through me making me sweat in anger. It was knocking on 4 hours by now.
9 A';S genius boy child simply 'went upstairs!' He then returned ...... with my phone. It was sat all alone on the floor above, situated directly above my bed with 60 missed calls.
I think i may be going insane. And that's all i have to say about that.
Other disasters of the week include the Dyson animal hoovering up of the infa red control thing which belongs to the Wii :0( it wont suck up Animals like its supposed to but it sucks up games consoles!? and spits the wires back out all broken to pieces :0/ I have also managed to again dye many white things blue in the washing machine... Every single washing machine i have ever owned has dyed stuff blue!!. I may have to make a complaint to trading standards, that would be 7 different machines surely it cannot 'All' be me?? the coinciedence is to great.
Child 2 started big school this week, she should have gone a year ago but had to stay behind a year due to her ill health. My little lady you see needs a bit more looking after than most kids so things like 'big schools' are kind of a scary thought for her and me. I watched her on the first day walk down the path with her friends bless her cotton socks, her back pack was so big she looked like a small turtle. I must admit i found it very hard to let her go off by herself for the very first time and cried a lot :0( most mums cry but why do i also put theme tunes to my sadness??, it makes it worse :0(
Worse to come than that the stupid council had sent out the wrong bus pass so she couldn't get on the bus with her friends, this was not really a good start to the day especially as i was not there, her friends mum who lives near the stop told me she said ' id better go home to mummy ' That made me cry more. As things were not going swimmingly in my house hold again i decided to pick her up in the car, she would have no idea what bus to get back on. This was all very well until i discovered that the main road up to school was closed :0( i really have no sense of direction at the best of times. now i had to negotiate long country roads with no meaning to me that all looked the same, luckily my mate Kev had given me some directions on Face book, i got there ok and she was completely shell shocked when she came out, just absolutely tired out. Getting there 'was' ok but could i do the directions in reverse??? .... Nah it took me god knows how long to get back home driving up and down long windy roads not knowing where the hell i was, luckily i had enough petrol :0/ I always say to passengers in my car that im 'not' lost im just somewhere else, i always find this is quite reassuring to them :0/ especially as child 3 needed a wee and child 2 a drink and a good lie down.
The trip to the cinema the previous day was no better 10 of us all sat there waiting for the film, i had invited everyone because it was child 3's birthday treat. Un surprisingly to my friends and i the cinema put on the wrong film!, they all just looked at me in a 'well we are out with you' kind of way. which i accepted because ive just had to over the years. Child 3 decided a toilet trip was a good idea late on in the film and completely missed the end so that was a waste of time.
The boy child i have not seen for 3 days he spent the entire weekend at the Fringe Festival in town, or the 'fridge vegetable' as child 3 told her nanny on the phone. There were no fridges though or vegetables just lots of live bands, child 3 was glad she did not attend.
Monday i found the biggest spider in the history of the world in my bathroom, it was so big i am sure it could talk. I kindly put a bowl over it until boy 40 arrived home, only when he did it was gone :0( I'm worried now that its stomping about my house in anger looking for me :0/
Wednesday was boring I was annoyed by the revelation in the press that the government are to insist upon restaurants such as Macci Dees putting calories besides every item they sell. I was not annoyed by the fact that now i can see 'why' I'm so fat but annoyed by the fact that i came up with this idea in 1994!! ...To make all pubs cafes & restaurants put calories per meal on the menus. To cut the incidences of fatty boom booms and diabetes in this country. I also invented fat pants in 1996 and a mirror to see your baby if its in the back in a baby car seat in 1995. Since then JML have nicked loads of my ideas as have the NHS i actually invented the patient appointment texting service in 1999 and I'm very annoyed! Well Jml i have lots more inventions if your interested i make them up you see on insomniac island i have a book of them....... i could make you a fortune!
So that was the week that was, it just leaves me with one more thing. The eye bogey.
If you have ever walked about with a bogey on your face all day you will now have great sympathy for my minky fauxpas.
I would hope at the moment that people are making allowances for me , Because i really ain't right!
It started with a simple trip to town, i chatted happily to my friends at school for 20 minutes then i popped to the art shop . I wondered then if i had breakfast all about my face or something as the lady kept second glancing me but looking away when i caught her. I then was to meet some guys I've worked for before they had come up on the train for the day to have some business meetings and stuff and thought it would be nice for a catch up, they showed me some rather exciting projects they have on at the mo, it was all quite professional, i gave them a few ideas for some advertising concepts and sketched out a couple of things in Costa coffee so they could show their illustrators they have on at the mo. I cant do anything you see, I'm far to fat for a start and am now wearing wrist splints due to 'carpel tunnel fatty wrist pregnancy syndrome' :o( all was well only the main guy Andy kept putting his hand up to his eye and i had the feeling he was looking at something on my face. We said our good byes and off i pootled down the town, the guy in the bank was very chatty but also interested in my face and so were all of the shop keepers i visited in fact i saw many people on that morning. Then i went back to the car.
It was then that i saw it. The biggest eye bogey i have ever seen in my life. I resembled a mutant frog with bulbous infected conjunctivitis! How i didn't feel there it i have no idea. And how it did not block 50% of my vision i don't know? It was all squidgy, perfectly round and jellyfied with streaks of mascara running through it, a hideous sight for anyone on a Thursday :0/. I must admit to you i have never had this problem before nor do i ever want it again. It must have been there the entire morning something that size needs time to form. If you know me personally you know i would be mortified by this, im so embarrassed, especially me the 'professional' :0/ Artist, sat talking to important people in costa coffee with a Quasimodo eye:0(
I suppose its my own fault, for being so vain. Some people don't care what they look like, eye bogeys, lady beards face boils ive seen em!! i don't like to go out unless i look like i belong in L.A
So to everyone i met that day i apologies for the gross sight of the eye bogey like i said I'm not quite myself at the mo.
Well that's it i would like to congratulate myself on writing another load of complete and utter bollocks and hope that you have not all fallen from your chairs in complete boredom after hearing the next extract of my crap life! Hopefully next weeks may be a little more exciting than loosing my phone, government proposals and an eye bogey disaster......... who knows or dares to dream?
See yaw xx
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