Sunday 20 February 2011

The Art the unfortunates and the man from South wales :0/

Dear Mrs Smiff Mr Radford and Fizzer
I write to you today in nervous anticipation, You see i do not know where my offspring have got to :0(, The biggest one is in London for the day with his friends and if that's not bad enough,  the other two went out for a dog walk a very long time ago and have not yet returned.
My imagination is not coping very well with this scenario especially because offspring number 2 is a chronic asthmatic and cannot walk far. The dog is a mentalist who likes to jump in any water she can find, and well offspring number three and her Daddy should probably not be let out together with out some kind of stunt danger monitoring system,
          I have in my mind already put together about 3 disaster films, I am waiting you see to take them out to lunch and to the farmers market, which Will be closed very soon, I have my coat on and my bag on my shoulder, i am bored and am sweating buckets.
The treat of today being a visit for offspring number 3 to the olive stall!!!
Oh yeah my kids have refined tastes she gets through a jar a week, no kids menu crap for them in restaurants they want Greek salads, call em weird but at least they wont be adding to the country's obesity problems in the future (do i get a tax rebate for that?)
         This week has been full of charm as per usual, The village in what i live is being re built after the Armageddon incident, well a 10ft wall fell down, in to the road (its the country side alright NOTHING ever happens here) unless you live in my house that is.
 I am glad to report though that number 3's fears about  the glow stick bought from the school disco last night, have not been realised. She dropped it behind the sofa and was scared witless that it would start a fire, I'm afraid child number 3 also has a very vivid imagination which does not do her well :0( . She is also scared of burglars. Earth quakes, hurricanes, bombs, terrorists , cracks in walls, wobbly paving slabs and getting her name on the naughty board at school. I keep explaining to her that terrorists, earthquakes hurricanes etc very rarely happen here....... only probably about once a year :0/
       Work has been interesting i have mostly been painting cows, pigs, sheep and zombies, i paint a lot of these kind of things, that's what happens when you live in the countryside, yep Ive seen  loads of zombies. But in truth i really am very surprised that clients who 'actually' meet me ever come back.
This week a customer came to pick up some work as small persons 2 and 3 were fighting in the living room, loud shouts of 'MUM SHES KICKING ME IN THE HEART' kept wafting up to my studio.
 The suffocating noises from the sofa cushions were quite alarming the lady who looked at me with worried eyes, i just have this embarrassed face now which looks desperate and unable to focus in the real world.
 Its the face realised i had last summer  when small person number 3 dragged herself hands first from my car  pretending she had breathing difficulties, like id left her in there for hours, it took at least 3 minutes for her to expel herself from the passenger seat on to the floor, in front of mind you about 20 horrified people in a crowded car park.
        But then that's got nothing on the day a guy from a very reputable and well known company came round with some architectural drawings for me to make in to something pretty.
He carried them in a big long black tube about a metre tall. well this was enough ammunition to fuel the bonkers brain imaginations of number 2 and 3, who proceeded to shout 'HES GOT A GUN, HES GOT A GUN'.  They ran in to my studio chucking cushions up in the air going peeeeawwwn peeeaaawn starsky and hutch style all over the floor. In there imaginary shoot up fest the guy with the gun just looked at me with raised eyebrows. 'erm sorry' i said ' they think your long black thing is a gun :0/ ?? wtf.?.......... Id never met him before :0(
       Talking of work i must actually be the poorest artist in the world, obstacles seem to be in my way all of the time, Friday i was on the email to disco Dave ironing out the finer points of a secret party which is coming up soon. At this time i was also painting some zombies who were on a print deadline for a graphic novel cover, i was also cooking tea for the small people whilst talking on the phone to a potential customer about her 'Bunion's' believe it or not.
I'm by this point slowly panicking inside  as The secret party's subject is due home. The deadline was fast approaching, the tea was burning and this lady who i do not know seemed to want to chat.
I found the rescue remedy chewing gums and shoved about 5 in my gob, I'm not sure she noticed the weird slurping noises and speech impediment this initially caused, but i didn't really care any more. My heart was beating alarmingly fast i was never in a million years going to get it all done.
THEN As if this wasn't bad enough the goblins smiled down on me and the door bell went.
Small person number 3 answers it and comes running up, I'm very red faced by now and caving in, in some kind of quiet break down mode. 'Theres an old man at the door from Australia with a suit case', ????? WOT
       My god i thought this is all i need, He wasn't from Australia he was from south wales, he told me several times.It wasn't a suit case it was a laptop, it had taken him an hour and a half to travel to my unfortunate home, he was here to do a survey on television viewing figures. (like i have time to watch TV ) I told him of my deadline, he could see i was working no one goes about in those kind of jeans (apart from hobos) with purple paint streaks in there hair and on there face.
              I was about to melt in to extinction i cannot possibly do it!!! i really do not have time, cant anyone else do it? Apparently not! my address was picked out and he had come all the way from south wales. Well lucky fecin me!!  I have to say at this point that he was not going anywhere and looked very upset so i caved in.
      So there was i in my living room with chaos surrounding me taking a survey from a man from south wales about how much time i sit on my ass watching TV. Ironic really
'So how many TVs do you have? ' I was going to say one, wot didn't work, that would surely make things quicker. But oh no that would be too easy as child number 3 shouts out What??? we have 6, we have 6 TVs theres one in ........... blagh blagh. I could have quite easily cried at this point, the zombies were upstairs UN finished and had to be electronically sent to America within the next 20 minutes.
          I missed the deadline............... but luckily i know the guy quite well who is accustomed to the things wot happen in my life. The Zombies i'm happy to say are being squeezed though print rolls as we speak. (and they are probably lovvin it.
         Well hurrah and thank god the kidaroos have just arrived home looks like I'm doing lunch after all, and yes they are fine if not a little muddy :0/  they have been eating sweets at Nanny's house.
Just one tip though for this week , if you are a lazy dog walker like me, do not go up the common on a misty day and chuck sticks behind you, you know where you've already walked to avoid walking further, because a lady may well be walking behind you :0(

Until next time faithful followers
mwah x

Tuesday 15 February 2011

A Rant from insomniac island

Erm Hello Mrs Smiff and Mr Radford i write to you with bleary eyes, Welcome fizzer also my trusted oldest bff, and follower number 3!!
I am again sat on insomniac island at 4.30 Am with the dog. There is no boat to get off and i have been here since about 2.00.
There is a star fish in my bed and an owl in my trees, who quite frankly if doesn't shut up soon, will get it . because i 'will' go out there with my tin can alley gun and scare the crap out of it.
              I would mainly like to protest on this early morning about ,  people ripping me off,  ill start with the cinema.
         I had 3 parents evenings last Wednesday and my kids are all absolute super geniuses, i don't like to boast because people think that I'm showing off, but actually sod em because I'm proud of the little dudes. My Boy child is currently working to predicted A grades and A* in all 10 subjects, he's top of the class and apparently is quite capable of going to oxford or Cambridge! :0) this makes me extremely happy.............. I went to Cambridge but erm that's because i lived there.
Anyway child the smallest is on the gifted children's register hermmm (that ones gifted in many ways) and child the 2nd is apparently very talented at riding a unicycle!!!, and of course 'she' is going to be the next prim minster.
           Because of these said most excellent parent's evenings we promised them a treat, choose a treat you would all like i said and also invited the lovely Beatrice, Boy child's beautiful girlfriend.
            They chose the cinema so i took my little pink credit card and booked the tickets....................... 51 pounds and bloody 80 pence!!! what??
Why the hell does it cost 51 pounds and 80 bloody pence to go and watch a film? How many people can afford that? And i said id take em all for lunch first . I don't mind of course i am in fact a bottomless money pit (that's what this country thinks), i may give out cash cards to people soon. I will though seriously  have to get my number 2, soon to be prim minister child to look in to these hideous cinema prices.
          WAKE UP !!! Was that really boring ??? i fell asleep ..........  on insomniac island, and there's not even any beds there :0/ this blog should come with a government health warning, " Do not read before driving or operating machinery"
Anyway I'm awake now ( I drank rather a lot of red wine last night so that may change later ) The cinema was good apart from i fell asleep because id been awake the whole night before, well until i started writing this crap.
        The film, a version of Rapunzel it was ok i think  but it  must have been on my mind as the following night i dreamt  i got kidnapped in a red velvet sack and put in a tower,
I often weirdly dream that I'm being kidnapped, once in my dream i was kidnapped by Duncan Banatire in dragons den, he said he wanted to experiment on my ears?? what ? god knows what that means, may be he was doing studies on small brains. The night terrors are the worst thats when i see dead people :0/
       I also left a helium balloon in the cinema, and that made me mad, you are probably wondering why i took a helium balloon to the cinema, but too are probably not surprised .
           Anyway i wanted my balloon back and it cost me £2.50, add this to my 51 pounds bloody 80 pence and we're talking a lot of money, but could i find a phone number to our local cinema?? Nope nowhere, not anywhere i searched for ages. How frustrating they had my £2.50 balloon and all i could imagine was the staff in a back room somewhere sucking all of the helium out an doing silly voices, and laughing.
The only way of contact i could find was to Apollo cinemas customer services main website. I have a business email (i do try to be professional) with all of my details address name blagh blagh and there i  was in a very angry mood typing the keys very hard asking for my balloon back please. Duh. They probably think i have no friends.
        The balloon was actually for my mums 60th birthday meal the following day, we went to a nice local restaurant for Sunday lunch ( i shan't say where because I'm just about to slag off the waitress ) grrrrr,  it was nice but not as nice as £15.50 per head. Just for 1 course.  And the said waitress was a very rude cow with bad hair.
         We were all sat there happily chatting and laughing when all of a sudden someone shouts 'CHOCOLATE TART'  at about a million decibels straight across the table. Well I've been callled some things in my time but I've never had 'chocolate tart' shouted at me. She reminded me of Shrek in Shrek forever after when he has a blow out and roars, causing his ogre breath to fill up the whole place, and every ones hair to slick back with the G force of  the loudness, like they are in some kinda wind tunnel. Well this was her no and no exaggeration.  My poor mum actually apologised to the waitress for having to shout at us. grrrrrrrrrr i really wanted to stick the chocolate tart in her fat face, and i still wish i did, i can hardly go back and do it now ill get arrested.
THEN she was coming in between the two tables and shoved my chair really hard with her big FAT bottom tipping it up nearly putting chocolate tart in my face. Then my dad paid the £300 bill and we left,  AND they didn't even have any heating. Theres another CLASSIC example of rip off Britain, May be its the town though, (i Like it don't get me wrong) but i once went in to a pretentious shoe shop there, I agree we may well have looked like a bunch of Hill Billy's, i was wearing my work jeans wot my ass is falling out of, so are my knees and they are covered in paint, Child number 2 was actual 'skipping' in the shop (with a musical skipping rope) child number 3 the smallest (but most dangerous) was swinging some contraption about whilst picking her nose. I asked the 'horrified looking' lady if they had any boots. She looked at me and said "we don't have any sale boots at the moment" wot a cheeky cow does she not know who i am??
         Bad customer service that's what that is. i didn't want to buy her boots anyway they were rubbish. Talking of bad customer service i was not a shining example myself this morning.
Today started good at 6.30am i had lots of tile orders, which needed packing up ( http://www.triflecattiles.co.uk/ by the way ;0)) What wasn't good though was getting to the post office with 8 padded 'white ' envelopes, with hideous amounts of black dog fur and cat fur stuck in to the sellotape :0( free pubes with orders r us get it here,.............. I'm surprised i have ever succeeded in anything :0/
I gotta go now I'm soaking wet I've just been up the common with the dog, there's meant to be dog nappers up there at the moment.......... i waited bloody ages and none turned up.
      As I've been ranting on like a grumpy old woman  I will leave you with an apt poem from my 'Crap book of poems 2008' Nah ill leave you with 3 you deserve a little treat!! :0)

Till next time campas Tatty bye



Moody Bus Drivers

by: Rachel Pegler

Public transport
lets go green
It was the smelliest bus id ever seen
to go to town cost me a fiver
driven by a kid who's a racing car driver
he thinks he's great such a dude
and what a
flippin attitude
oh my god he's going so fast
trees and bushes whizzing past
its really beginning to get on my wick
I’m going green and feeling sick
so hey I did it I did go green
in the the most awful way you'd ever seen
carbon footprint it went too far........
I’m thinking next time ill take the car
Copyright ©2008 Rachel Pegler

Top of Form
THE CREDIT CRUNCH

Who invented the credit crunch?

It means I cannot go out for lunch
It means I cannot use my car
No petrol stops me going far
I cant skip with shopping bags around the town
Thanks a lot Gordon Brown
And what about going to the gym?
If I stop that I wont be thin
Eat fruit and veg that's what they say
Five portions of it....five a day
Just blueberries and raspberries would see me rid
For five of us at least 20 quid
So what's the message? What do we do?
Eat lots of cheap stuff and get the flu?
This country has gone mad, its  topsy turvy
And the credit crunch will  give us scurvy
If we all buy cheap food and cancel the gym
We shall end up with rickets all thanks to him
Everything's rubbish and I’m really skint
I need some new curtains the TVs' on the blink..........
The overdraft is massive I’m starting to sink
No money no work oh what a failure
I’m gonna pack up my stuff and move to Australia





The tax man

Tax me this tax me that
you even want to tax my fat
Its just like living in Sherwood forest
except for the mayor there’s not called Boris
So you've done it  cut the v.a.t
on a mars bar ill save 14p
Cant afford a mars bar anyway
That luxury has gone away
40% over 40 grand
Like i can find that buried in sand
Everyone has bills to pay
An extra 20% would have gone a long way
But no you have made me skint again
I look outside and see the rain
Why do i live here? Oh what to do
I shall go off and live in Timbuktu

 

Friday 11 February 2011

A Mans Essential Guide to PMT

Evening Campas
Before i start with the useful print out information guide i would like to share with you my crap day.
It all started with the tooth fairy not arriving and got progressively worse from there.
I have though learnt today that the tooth fairy is also shite in other peoples houses too, Small person number 2 had a massive tooth which i think (or thought the night before) that needs at least £1.50. But as i have a million things to do i completely forgot until the said disaster was revealed. The tooth had in fact gone (twas in my dressing gown pocket) but no money had appeared (I needed to pilfer some from my mans pocket).  'She' this bad ass tooth fairy  once did not take the tooth but left two sets of money??  She once dropped the tooth on the stairs which was found by the former occupier the next morning :0( how does that work in a child's head?
As if that wasn't bad enough small person number 2 then had breathing problems on the way to school causing tears upset and general alarm.
The dog dragged a 6ft tree out of the river on the way home and proceeded to bash it around my legs making me all wet muddy. Also causing me to run away like Benny Hill. I then have to walk / run along a very busy main road with lads from the car wash watching me, as my dog proudly plip plops along carrying said humongous tree, its a proper tree its got branches leaves and everything and its outside my front door :0/
I return to my home to discover Graham the cat has again pooed outside the litter tray. Disaster also unfolds when i discover something which has been ordered over the Internet has in fact been sold already. Fine i think after a small panic, ill do yet another work of art for a tenner shall i ? because i only have a deadline of 5pm this evening on something else :0( .......aaaaggggggghhh i have no paint, its dried up so i spend 20 minutes racing through the country side like a mentalistto scavvy some from my dad.
 I come home feed the Stinky's on the patio and then attempt to start work, I have no paper, the small people made ' miles per hour' signs with it all the other day, so they could race their scooters around the house, i wouldn't mind but it was dangerous to the pets and passing pedestrians. The £50 mph zone in the kitchen was a particular health hazard.  Then the doorbell goes its the grocery shopping. Well that was just 'f'  ing marvellous now i had to play fridge Jenga, The washing machine is full of wet washing and the house looks like a burglary, (because only me ) Fairy sucker fly who i aptly named myself in 1996 tidys up.
I have work coming out of my ears by the way, its backed up so far its in my garden.
I i have my fingers in so many work pies its making me fat.
The paint i had run out of, or in truth let dry up at £20 a pot because i didn't put the lid on properly, was also a 'base paint' probably made of nuclear fixatives which cover absolutely anything....... and is very difficult to remove, this very paint i won't go in to details of the unfortunate story, now covers the ass fur of my black asbotic cat :0/  grrrrrrr
         I bought some 'rescue remedy' chewing gums the other day, i thought they'd help my mental state but erm they just hurt my teeth where i chew them so hard.
          Anyway enough of that I'm not going to give them nasty bad luck goblins which follow me about the satisfaction of talking about it anymore. In fact i don't like to talk about them, i once status updated if you see one of my goblins in the street to stamp on it hard, that day my rabbit nearly drowned in the toilet.  :0/  Paranoid?? of goblins surely these are not the words of someone with a sound mind, but its true and so is everything else my Friends all see it happening and even they cant believe what they see. Try being me i say! i have to live this life of bonkerness.
I just have to make it clear in case someone from the rspca reads this that the rabbit is fine and it was lucky she landed in the toilet the right way up :0/
       And without anymore delay the print out girls have been waiting for since victorian times
 This it it for all of my suffereing friends out there......................


                                                 THE MANS ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO PMT

This gentlemen is a very easy and simple guide to use, pmt is a very complicated condition, recent studies confirm that Pmt is due to alien abduction, a small part of said sufferers brain is removed for experiments at the same time every month. It does not affect everyone just a selected few, normally good looking babes with clever brains. This step by step guide is the only way to avoid divorce or indeed certain injury.

1. NEVER eat crisps in front of your partner at this time, because of the said brain part removal, it causes the sensory ear glands to swell and heighten the chomping noise by one thousand  times. If you have to eat crisps and you don't want them shoved where the sun doesn't shine, eat them outside.

2. If sufferer says 'does my bum look big in this?' and you start to sweat because you know what ever you say will be wrong. STOP IT, calm down so she cannot see you weakening and simply say. 'What bum? i didn't realise you had one, i thought that was a small peach you keep in your jeans'

3. DO NOT what ever you do take sufferer out for an evening to 'cheer her up' nothing works, it is a pointless waste of time. she will drink stupid amounts of wine and start a fight.

4. If you can see that said one is not coping well with every day tasks, DO NOT start of your own accord doing the house work, this will be perceived as that she cannot do it properly and you think she is crap, this also may result in serious injury.

5. A good tip is to say 'is there anything you would like a hand with I'm really bored!! ;0) that's a good one.;0)  BUT DO NOT proceed to take out all of the furniture and start doing deep cleans, she will think this pathetic and that you are trying to look better than her, just do what she asks and do it the way she does, this will prevent you having to sleep on the sofa.

6. DO NOT chat to people out of her sound reach, paranoia is a massive part of the brain wot is being experimented on, she will think that you are telling the said person of who you are talking to, that she is fat.

7. DO NOT wee on the toilet seat, your tooth brush is very near and she WILL clean it off with it.

8. Bring home a Chinese or a takeaway she likes for a surprise (on a day she hasn't been slaving away in the kitchen for hours over your tea though) pmt causes great hunger and a hungry dragon is not a nice dragon.

9. Do as you are told at all times its only for a week and surely you love her that much. Many black eyes have been saved in this way.

10.  Tell her she looks lovely even if her face looks like a pizza and her clothes don't fit properly, after all next week she will not have a pizza face and her clothes will fit again.............. ITS ONLY A WHITE LIE

Follow these rules and you will have a happy relationship, buy her presents all of the time and it will be happier.


Don't thanks me guys I've probably saved many marriages and the divorce rate in this country will now probably go down, print it out stick it on the fridge or on his BIG FAT HEAD however you may be feeling at the time.
I'm off now the dogs been sick and small person number 2 has dropped ten thousand hamma beads on the carpet
Happy weekend see yaw next week.

Sunday 6 February 2011

You just couldn't make it up

Good Afternoon Mr Radford and Mrs Smiff
         I come with news today that you have been joined by some secret followers!!!! i don't know how many but they do exist. So i had better watch the swearing.
         I shan't lie to you I've had a bad couple of days. of which i am mainly putting down to p.m.t.
Everyone is annoying me,eg: if my significant other were to eat crisps in front of me on these particular days i am likely to get that packet and shove it up his,............ well i promised not to swear, actually i don't know why i promised not to swear, its hard not to swear when your as angry as me :0(
          My Goblins which usually annoy me on Mondays have been present for most of the week, because 'they' know I'm on the edge. I have no idea what I'm doing, when I'm doing it and who I'm doing it with ! currently the washing machine is half way through a cycle with no powder in it, the dishwasher was put on this morning to be finished by now so it will be emptied by dinner time, but i haven't even closed the door so its not been on at all. And I'm supposed to be getting the small person to a party, of which I've lost the invitation to. This is not unusual and its a miracle they ever get to them.
          Yesterday was a particularly shit day, (oops sorry) 'Yesterday' i will re phrase was very disagreeable to my current mental state.
          I had been feeling very sorry for myself for a few days now, so i checked out my facebook home page and it appeared that everyone else was happy, which was good it was Saturday. Then An advert for a Lyspy off of London dress came up, being blinded by pwetty fings i had to have it, it was perfect for the wedding I'm going to in June, so i bought it, ............... That made me happy but then i realised that the website was a fake, fec (sorry) i had given them all of my credit card details and my  personal details.
Great so i may have 2 followers for my crap blog which is a little bit embarrassing, but i probably now also have thousands of dodgy geezer followers, in the underworld pretending to be me, which is also embarrassing :0/
         Appreciate if you can my horror upon realising the grave miss judgment in purchasing this pwetty fing what i had made, Shit!!!! (sorry,) it required drastic and immediate action. Checking ones credit card i dialled the number on the back feeling a little foolish. I explained to the guy what i had done and that it was a very nice dress of which i liked very much, he was not very impressed with my actions and i felt a little rollocked by him :0/  the security details how ever on the said credit card were of words i could not remember. So i needed to cancel the card asap, but couldn't remember my password :0/ crap.
           By this time i was in a state of panic rackin my brain for some kind of weird and fascinating pass word of what i may have come up with , two years ago.......... I felt like i was the queen with the baby and this guy was  Rumpelstiltskin, i could imagine him there in lloyds bank telephone banking with a pointy nose and stripy tights, wetting himself laughing at my stupidness :0(
          In the end i just put the phone down. Consulting my book of passwords, well crapped up pieces of paper kicking about my studio, i made a lucky guess from this code on a screwed up bit of paper ' Golden horses card oooooh they gave me 7 grand' the password beside it. I phoned back and thankfully i got a girl this time, so i passes the password test oh yeah i was on a roll, then she said what was the last transaction you made?? wot??? did i answer the one i just did (by mistake) or my payment to account from the bank?? omg it was all going wrong again,i bet them goblins were peeing themselves by now. I went for the payment option. Hurrahh it was Right, 'so' she said how much was it for? Fec i had no idea and my phone battery was going. Omg i said i don't know ill have to go on to online banking. This was a disaster i was sweating by now and feeling rather sick i now had another bank to log in to and another set of passwords to conquer, this one however was easier as the code was 'woof' yeah that would be my code for Barclay's. THEN the sodding battery ran out.
              I cried.
         I phoned them back and after 30 minutes i managed to cancel my card, them baddy men could have spent thousands by now :0/ luckily they never and i decided to get fraud cover for £6.99 a month so if they do try it i get notified. I'm waiting you scum bag bad ass facebook ad liars, yeah try it now and you'll get caught, i have Rumpelstilkskin off of lloyds bank fraud squad on it!!
             I was going out on this evening and was not really in the right frame of mind, id spent all afternoon in the hospital with child number 2 on the Friday, learning not a lot else than i have before, yet Another consultant on her 'get it list' , her get it list is very long now and has half of the consultants in the NHS on it, oh 'and' the dentist, she told her she was a witch and was going to set her on fire :0/ one Heart specialist frog marched us out of his consultation room when she was five, because she called him the most rubbish doctor she'd ever seen in her life :0( many nurses have had there shins kicked in and when we go for a flu jab the receptionists put out a 4 minute warning :0( so you can see our future prim minister sure does have some spirit............ As you can also imagine this all gets very wearing hence the miserableness wot was me, mix that with a bit of pmt and you have yourself a loose canon.
             I needed retail therapy and so grabbed the girlys and went off shopping, purchasing some rather spangly 4" heals for said night out.
            Then 8 spots erupted on my face within a few hours, marvellous cheers for that goblins,.
And so here we are Saturday night was fabalous and i laughed ... a lot.
          Was going to do this blog when i got home but couldn't remember my password, which turns out is under code name: uncle bob.
          Anyway I'm going now child number two has a new potters wheel and quite frankly its doing my head in, there is clay all over the walls and the noise is hideous, the other small one is back from her party and is currently asking Jeeves how to fly (again), the boy is in his room trying to also escape the noise of the potters wheel and well me 'potty' is the only way you can describe me today.
Turahh

Thursday 3 February 2011

Where will it all end?? :0/

Greetings oh thousands of followers, erm Mr Radford and Mrs Smiff
This daily blog thing is hard work and i haven't managed it since the revelations of number 2 child's birth story, I'm afraid nothing can really top that.
        Saturday i found myself at a chocolate factory, Cadbury's in the land of Birmingham. I'm sorry to report  there was no chocolate river, and em no ompaloompas, but for this i was kind of grateful as my hair dryer blew up on this morning with fire. So it was just me if anyone else was expecting a show, i looked just like willy wonker  or a silly Wa***r one or the other. It was a good day though mainly due to the hideous amount of free chocolate they were bunging at me, no one obviously told them of my plight to achieving my Kylie arse by the summer :0/
 Sunday was eventful as ever We met up with many good friends for a lovely 3 course Sunday lunch, in fact it was Mr Radfords (my 2nd followers)' 40th birthday. As per usual number 3 child made herself the entertainment, this time by taking a lady product from a basket in the toilets, she of course had no clue what it was but proceeded to put the card board tube on her two first fingers whilst shouting 'hey look I've made a finger snapper' !!, the restuarant we were eating was full at this point, The cotton woolie bit with the string was also fascinating to her and as i took it from her she was horrified, apparently she could have made loads of stuff with that :0/ ..............
Well i don't mind saying it Monday has been a bit of a relief. According to my over active imagination and research on the Internet it was curtains for me, I've thought this for for '3 weeks', that was how long its taken to get an appointment with a 'lady' doctor. I even planned my send off and recorded a song :0/
        Ive kept myself cheerful though and put my sudden sad demise to the back of my mind. Thankfully you may be glad to know, ( possibly because you are currently panicking that you will never read bollocks like this again) But hey don't worry I'm fine!!! apparently this weird thang that keeps happening is normal for someone my age!!! Well you've heard it here first so if i do pop off its on record that 'I'm fine'. I'm still a little doubtful.
       So hurrah I've got some new tablets and I'm kind of worried about the side effects :0( they can cause 'Extreme Excitement'  !!! omfg this is something I'm worried about, if i get much more excitable ill be locked up. :0(
       Then it was birthday party for number 2 daughter, the journey home from school was an interesting one 6 girls their bikes and offspring number one with her bike. I have to say i closed my eyes most of the way home :0/ Disaster was to happen though on arrival to house, sing star wouldn't work, the dog kept getting on the trampoline and the chocolate fountain was crap. 4 flimmn bars of galaxy, i tried adding a bit of milk as it was too thick, i mean I'm probably a qualified choclatire now that I've been to cadbury world,.......... erm no it turned in to a kinda cake mixture and was bollocks, id failed again.
       I drank wine that night.
Tuesday was a day for changing the birthday bicycle what was too big, on the way home we passed a church called St Barnabus. Small one number 1 said hey mum look its a park and ride church?? wot ? yes ST Bananabus, you get on jebuses , they are Banana buses you go in to town on them, She was deadly serious where the hell she gets that imagination from i don't know. But have put the park and ride outing in my diary.
       We then passed a petrol station as the red petrol light came on in the car. Iwas feeling mad that i only filled up 3 days earlier and so mumbled rude things at the car and stormed pass the garage in an 'I'm not buying you any petrol' kind of protest. I kind of regret that now :0/
      This day turned out well though thanks to genius child number 3 ........ Straight A's and A * in all subjects, he's report is Quoting tales of unbelievable intellect and words of  Oxford and Cambridge, i cant beeeeeeeelive it I'm sooo happy!!! Ive spent years in Cambridge you see, erm mainly cos i was born there :0/ 
        The middle child (our new priminister) of 2000 and 20 summat, has again been on her soap box, i cant really repeat this new policy but it involves saving battersea dogs home ' a lot ' of  money and also feeds the homeless. Details need ironing out really :0/
      Wednesday was an interesting day when i actually took my cat out in the car to drop off some artwork. :0/ You have to be aware Asbo cat it evil, she'll do anything to get on my wick, so i turn up at a very wealthy ladies home in Painswick with a very nice piece of art i have been commissioned to do. To my horror as i was just pulling up on her drive i turn round to see Asbo sat on the back seat staring at me as if to say 'Ha explain this one' She must have jumped in as i was gass bagging to my neighbour with the doors open. As i stop she thinks its time to get out. How do i get out of the car? the lady is in front of me at the door, i smile a very false smile, fec i need to open my back doors to get the said artwork out. I'm sweating a bit now, this is not very professional. I had visions of asbo legging it, you cant catch her once she goes, i cant lose the cat forever in painswick the kids would kill me.
         I started feeling a little sick at this point and the lady must of wondered why i was not getting out of my car :0/ Eventually i just had to do it and luckily she took my 'i will kill you horribly in the river' look as serious and so got under the passenger seat............ It was a shit drive home i feared for my life if that little git was to get under my break pedal. I needed to get to the gym should i just go and leave the little shite in the car??? probably not cats pee is vile.
           I dropped off my passenger and went back, i was all of a fluster now and managed to fling 20 screwed up crisp packets from my pocket instead of my membership card. :0( And a lighter which i used to light candles on number two's birthday cake, so it also looked like id been smoking loads of fags too, in between eating crisps. grrrrrrrrrrr
Well we are kind of up to date really, oh apart from the Katy Perry incident off of this morning. .....
        I was in my head on stage at the 02 singing very loudly and dancing to Katy Perry's firework song, in the real world i was at the traffic lights with a mini bus full of fit lads staring at me, even the dog was embarrassed and looked out of the window. :0/
 I get home to find the cats pooed outside her litter tray ( she wont go out side.... at all) i think she may have a complex about having a boys name, I'm kinda worried she feels embarrassed in front of the other cats out there when i shout GRAHAM tea time. i dunno,
Just had to give the rabbits botty a wash again, why is she pooing on her own tail and sticking every thing in the hutch to it??
I'm going now, to paint some ducks and look for a lost hearing aid
See yaw