A Rant from insomniac island

Erm Hello Mrs Smiff and Mr Radford i write to you with bleary eyes, Welcome fizzer also my trusted oldest bff, and follower number 3!!
I am again sat on insomniac island at 4.30 Am with the dog. There is no boat to get off and i have been here since about 2.00.
There is a star fish in my bed and an owl in my trees, who quite frankly if doesn't shut up soon, will get it . because i 'will' go out there with my tin can alley gun and scare the crap out of it.
              I would mainly like to protest on this early morning about ,  people ripping me off,  ill start with the cinema.
         I had 3 parents evenings last Wednesday and my kids are all absolute super geniuses, i don't like to boast because people think that I'm showing off, but actually sod em because I'm proud of the little dudes. My Boy child is currently working to predicted A grades and A* in all 10 subjects, he's top of the class and apparently is quite capable of going to oxford or Cambridge! :0) this makes me extremely happy.............. I went to Cambridge but erm that's because i lived there.
Anyway child the smallest is on the gifted children's register hermmm (that ones gifted in many ways) and child the 2nd is apparently very talented at riding a unicycle!!!, and of course 'she' is going to be the next prim minster.
           Because of these said most excellent parent's evenings we promised them a treat, choose a treat you would all like i said and also invited the lovely Beatrice, Boy child's beautiful girlfriend.
            They chose the cinema so i took my little pink credit card and booked the tickets....................... 51 pounds and bloody 80 pence!!! what??
Why the hell does it cost 51 pounds and 80 bloody pence to go and watch a film? How many people can afford that? And i said id take em all for lunch first . I don't mind of course i am in fact a bottomless money pit (that's what this country thinks), i may give out cash cards to people soon. I will though seriously  have to get my number 2, soon to be prim minister child to look in to these hideous cinema prices.
          WAKE UP !!! Was that really boring ??? i fell asleep ..........  on insomniac island, and there's not even any beds there :0/ this blog should come with a government health warning, " Do not read before driving or operating machinery"
Anyway I'm awake now ( I drank rather a lot of red wine last night so that may change later ) The cinema was good apart from i fell asleep because id been awake the whole night before, well until i started writing this crap.
        The film, a version of Rapunzel it was ok i think  but it  must have been on my mind as the following night i dreamt  i got kidnapped in a red velvet sack and put in a tower,
I often weirdly dream that I'm being kidnapped, once in my dream i was kidnapped by Duncan Banatire in dragons den, he said he wanted to experiment on my ears?? what ? god knows what that means, may be he was doing studies on small brains. The night terrors are the worst thats when i see dead people :0/
       I also left a helium balloon in the cinema, and that made me mad, you are probably wondering why i took a helium balloon to the cinema, but too are probably not surprised .
           Anyway i wanted my balloon back and it cost me £2.50, add this to my 51 pounds bloody 80 pence and we're talking a lot of money, but could i find a phone number to our local cinema?? Nope nowhere, not anywhere i searched for ages. How frustrating they had my £2.50 balloon and all i could imagine was the staff in a back room somewhere sucking all of the helium out an doing silly voices, and laughing.
The only way of contact i could find was to Apollo cinemas customer services main website. I have a business email (i do try to be professional) with all of my details address name blagh blagh and there i  was in a very angry mood typing the keys very hard asking for my balloon back please. Duh. They probably think i have no friends.
        The balloon was actually for my mums 60th birthday meal the following day, we went to a nice local restaurant for Sunday lunch ( i shan't say where because I'm just about to slag off the waitress ) grrrrr,  it was nice but not as nice as £15.50 per head. Just for 1 course.  And the said waitress was a very rude cow with bad hair.
         We were all sat there happily chatting and laughing when all of a sudden someone shouts 'CHOCOLATE TART'  at about a million decibels straight across the table. Well I've been callled some things in my time but I've never had 'chocolate tart' shouted at me. She reminded me of Shrek in Shrek forever after when he has a blow out and roars, causing his ogre breath to fill up the whole place, and every ones hair to slick back with the G force of  the loudness, like they are in some kinda wind tunnel. Well this was her no and no exaggeration.  My poor mum actually apologised to the waitress for having to shout at us. grrrrrrrrrr i really wanted to stick the chocolate tart in her fat face, and i still wish i did, i can hardly go back and do it now ill get arrested.
THEN she was coming in between the two tables and shoved my chair really hard with her big FAT bottom tipping it up nearly putting chocolate tart in my face. Then my dad paid the £300 bill and we left,  AND they didn't even have any heating. Theres another CLASSIC example of rip off Britain, May be its the town though, (i Like it don't get me wrong) but i once went in to a pretentious shoe shop there, I agree we may well have looked like a bunch of Hill Billy's, i was wearing my work jeans wot my ass is falling out of, so are my knees and they are covered in paint, Child number 2 was actual 'skipping' in the shop (with a musical skipping rope) child number 3 the smallest (but most dangerous) was swinging some contraption about whilst picking her nose. I asked the 'horrified looking' lady if they had any boots. She looked at me and said "we don't have any sale boots at the moment" wot a cheeky cow does she not know who i am??
         Bad customer service that's what that is. i didn't want to buy her boots anyway they were rubbish. Talking of bad customer service i was not a shining example myself this morning.
Today started good at 6.30am i had lots of tile orders, which needed packing up ( http://www.triflecattiles.co.uk/ by the way ;0)) What wasn't good though was getting to the post office with 8 padded 'white ' envelopes, with hideous amounts of black dog fur and cat fur stuck in to the sellotape :0( free pubes with orders r us get it here,.............. I'm surprised i have ever succeeded in anything :0/
I gotta go now I'm soaking wet I've just been up the common with the dog, there's meant to be dog nappers up there at the moment.......... i waited bloody ages and none turned up.
      As I've been ranting on like a grumpy old woman  I will leave you with an apt poem from my 'Crap book of poems 2008' Nah ill leave you with 3 you deserve a little treat!! :0)

Till next time campas Tatty bye



Moody Bus Drivers

by: Rachel Pegler

Public transport
lets go green
It was the smelliest bus id ever seen
to go to town cost me a fiver
driven by a kid who's a racing car driver
he thinks he's great such a dude
and what a flippin attitude
oh my god he's going so fast
trees and bushes whizzing past
its really beginning to get on my wick
I’m going green and feeling sick
so hey I did it I did go green
in the the most awful way you'd ever seen
carbon footprint it went too far........
I’m thinking next time ill take the car

Copyright ©2008 Rachel Pegler

Top of Form

THE CREDIT CRUNCH

Who invented the credit crunch?

It means I cannot go out for lunch
It means I cannot use my car
No petrol stops me going far
I cant skip with shopping bags around the town
Thanks a lot Gordon Brown
And what about going to the gym?
If I stop that I wont be thin
Eat fruit and veg that's what they say
Five portions of it....five a day
Just blueberries and raspberries would see me rid
For five of us at least 20 quid
So what's the message? What do we do?
Eat lots of cheap stuff and get the flu?
This country has gone mad, its  topsy turvy
And the credit crunch will  give us scurvy
If we all buy cheap food and cancel the gym
We shall end up with rickets all thanks to him
Everything's rubbish and I’m really skint
I need some new curtains the TVs' on the blink..........
The overdraft is massive I’m starting to sink
No money no work oh what a failure
I’m gonna pack up my stuff and move to Australia





The tax man

Tax me this tax me that
you even want to tax my fat
Its just like living in Sherwood forest
except for the mayor there’s not called Boris
So you've done it  cut the v.a.t
on a mars bar ill save 14p
Cant afford a mars bar anyway
That luxury has gone away
40% over 40 grand
Like i can find that buried in sand
Everyone has bills to pay
An extra 20% would have gone a long way
But no you have made me skint again
I look outside and see the rain
Why do i live here? Oh what to do
I shall go off and live in Timbuktu