The Art the unfortunates and the man from South wales :0/

Dear Mrs Smiff Mr Radford and Fizzer
I write to you today in nervous anticipation, You see i do not know where my offspring have got to :0(, The biggest one is in London for the day with his friends and if that's not bad enough,  the other two went out for a dog walk a very long time ago and have not yet returned.
My imagination is not coping very well with this scenario especially because offspring number 2 is a chronic asthmatic and cannot walk far. The dog is a mentalist who likes to jump in any water she can find, and well offspring number three and her Daddy should probably not be let out together with out some kind of stunt danger monitoring system,
          I have in my mind already put together about 3 disaster films, I am waiting you see to take them out to lunch and to the farmers market, which Will be closed very soon, I have my coat on and my bag on my shoulder, i am bored and am sweating buckets.
The treat of today being a visit for offspring number 3 to the olive stall!!!
Oh yeah my kids have refined tastes she gets through a jar a week, no kids menu crap for them in restaurants they want Greek salads, call em weird but at least they wont be adding to the country's obesity problems in the future (do i get a tax rebate for that?)
         This week has been full of charm as per usual, The village in what i live is being re built after the Armageddon incident, well a 10ft wall fell down, in to the road (its the country side alright NOTHING ever happens here) unless you live in my house that is.
 I am glad to report though that number 3's fears about  the glow stick bought from the school disco last night, have not been realised. She dropped it behind the sofa and was scared witless that it would start a fire, I'm afraid child number 3 also has a very vivid imagination which does not do her well :0( . She is also scared of burglars. Earth quakes, hurricanes, bombs, terrorists , cracks in walls, wobbly paving slabs and getting her name on the naughty board at school. I keep explaining to her that terrorists, earthquakes hurricanes etc very rarely happen here....... only probably about once a year :0/
       Work has been interesting i have mostly been painting cows, pigs, sheep and zombies, i paint a lot of these kind of things, that's what happens when you live in the countryside, yep Ive seen  loads of zombies. But in truth i really am very surprised that clients who 'actually' meet me ever come back.
This week a customer came to pick up some work as small persons 2 and 3 were fighting in the living room, loud shouts of 'MUM SHES KICKING ME IN THE HEART' kept wafting up to my studio.
 The suffocating noises from the sofa cushions were quite alarming the lady who looked at me with worried eyes, i just have this embarrassed face now which looks desperate and unable to focus in the real world.
 Its the face realised i had last summer  when small person number 3 dragged herself hands first from my car  pretending she had breathing difficulties, like id left her in there for hours, it took at least 3 minutes for her to expel herself from the passenger seat on to the floor, in front of mind you about 20 horrified people in a crowded car park.
        But then that's got nothing on the day a guy from a very reputable and well known company came round with some architectural drawings for me to make in to something pretty.
He carried them in a big long black tube about a metre tall. well this was enough ammunition to fuel the bonkers brain imaginations of number 2 and 3, who proceeded to shout 'HES GOT A GUN, HES GOT A GUN'.  They ran in to my studio chucking cushions up in the air going peeeeawwwn peeeaaawn starsky and hutch style all over the floor. In there imaginary shoot up fest the guy with the gun just looked at me with raised eyebrows. 'erm sorry' i said ' they think your long black thing is a gun :0/ ?? wtf.?.......... Id never met him before :0(
       Talking of work i must actually be the poorest artist in the world, obstacles seem to be in my way all of the time, Friday i was on the email to disco Dave ironing out the finer points of a secret party which is coming up soon. At this time i was also painting some zombies who were on a print deadline for a graphic novel cover, i was also cooking tea for the small people whilst talking on the phone to a potential customer about her 'Bunion's' believe it or not.
I'm by this point slowly panicking inside  as The secret party's subject is due home. The deadline was fast approaching, the tea was burning and this lady who i do not know seemed to want to chat.
I found the rescue remedy chewing gums and shoved about 5 in my gob, I'm not sure she noticed the weird slurping noises and speech impediment this initially caused, but i didn't really care any more. My heart was beating alarmingly fast i was never in a million years going to get it all done.
THEN As if this wasn't bad enough the goblins smiled down on me and the door bell went.
Small person number 3 answers it and comes running up, I'm very red faced by now and caving in, in some kind of quiet break down mode. 'Theres an old man at the door from Australia with a suit case', ????? WOT
       My god i thought this is all i need, He wasn't from Australia he was from south wales, he told me several times.It wasn't a suit case it was a laptop, it had taken him an hour and a half to travel to my unfortunate home, he was here to do a survey on television viewing figures. (like i have time to watch TV ) I told him of my deadline, he could see i was working no one goes about in those kind of jeans (apart from hobos) with purple paint streaks in there hair and on there face.
              I was about to melt in to extinction i cannot possibly do it!!! i really do not have time, cant anyone else do it? Apparently not! my address was picked out and he had come all the way from south wales. Well lucky fecin me!!  I have to say at this point that he was not going anywhere and looked very upset so i caved in.
      So there was i in my living room with chaos surrounding me taking a survey from a man from south wales about how much time i sit on my ass watching TV. Ironic really
'So how many TVs do you have? ' I was going to say one, wot didn't work, that would surely make things quicker. But oh no that would be too easy as child number 3 shouts out What??? we have 6, we have 6 TVs theres one in ........... blagh blagh. I could have quite easily cried at this point, the zombies were upstairs UN finished and had to be electronically sent to America within the next 20 minutes.
          I missed the deadline............... but luckily i know the guy quite well who is accustomed to the things wot happen in my life. The Zombies i'm happy to say are being squeezed though print rolls as we speak. (and they are probably lovvin it.
         Well hurrah and thank god the kidaroos have just arrived home looks like I'm doing lunch after all, and yes they are fine if not a little muddy :0/  they have been eating sweets at Nanny's house.
Just one tip though for this week , if you are a lazy dog walker like me, do not go up the common on a misty day and chuck sticks behind you, you know where you've already walked to avoid walking further, because a lady may well be walking behind you :0(

Until next time faithful followers
mwah x