A Mans Essential Guide to PMT

Evening Campas
Before i start with the useful print out information guide i would like to share with you my crap day.
It all started with the tooth fairy not arriving and got progressively worse from there.
I have though learnt today that the tooth fairy is also shite in other peoples houses too, Small person number 2 had a massive tooth which i think (or thought the night before) that needs at least £1.50. But as i have a million things to do i completely forgot until the said disaster was revealed. The tooth had in fact gone (twas in my dressing gown pocket) but no money had appeared (I needed to pilfer some from my mans pocket).  'She' this bad ass tooth fairy  once did not take the tooth but left two sets of money??  She once dropped the tooth on the stairs which was found by the former occupier the next morning :0( how does that work in a child's head?
As if that wasn't bad enough small person number 2 then had breathing problems on the way to school causing tears upset and general alarm.
The dog dragged a 6ft tree out of the river on the way home and proceeded to bash it around my legs making me all wet muddy. Also causing me to run away like Benny Hill. I then have to walk / run along a very busy main road with lads from the car wash watching me, as my dog proudly plip plops along carrying said humongous tree, its a proper tree its got branches leaves and everything and its outside my front door :0/
I return to my home to discover Graham the cat has again pooed outside the litter tray. Disaster also unfolds when i discover something which has been ordered over the Internet has in fact been sold already. Fine i think after a small panic, ill do yet another work of art for a tenner shall i ? because i only have a deadline of 5pm this evening on something else :0( .......aaaaggggggghhh i have no paint, its dried up so i spend 20 minutes racing through the country side like a mentalistto scavvy some from my dad.
 I come home feed the Stinky's on the patio and then attempt to start work, I have no paper, the small people made ' miles per hour' signs with it all the other day, so they could race their scooters around the house, i wouldn't mind but it was dangerous to the pets and passing pedestrians. The £50 mph zone in the kitchen was a particular health hazard.  Then the doorbell goes its the grocery shopping. Well that was just 'f'  ing marvellous now i had to play fridge Jenga, The washing machine is full of wet washing and the house looks like a burglary, (because only me ) Fairy sucker fly who i aptly named myself in 1996 tidys up.
I have work coming out of my ears by the way, its backed up so far its in my garden.
I i have my fingers in so many work pies its making me fat.
The paint i had run out of, or in truth let dry up at £20 a pot because i didn't put the lid on properly, was also a 'base paint' probably made of nuclear fixatives which cover absolutely anything....... and is very difficult to remove, this very paint i won't go in to details of the unfortunate story, now covers the ass fur of my black asbotic cat :0/  grrrrrrr
         I bought some 'rescue remedy' chewing gums the other day, i thought they'd help my mental state but erm they just hurt my teeth where i chew them so hard.
          Anyway enough of that I'm not going to give them nasty bad luck goblins which follow me about the satisfaction of talking about it anymore. In fact i don't like to talk about them, i once status updated if you see one of my goblins in the street to stamp on it hard, that day my rabbit nearly drowned in the toilet.  :0/  Paranoid?? of goblins surely these are not the words of someone with a sound mind, but its true and so is everything else my Friends all see it happening and even they cant believe what they see. Try being me i say! i have to live this life of bonkerness.
I just have to make it clear in case someone from the rspca reads this that the rabbit is fine and it was lucky she landed in the toilet the right way up :0/
       And without anymore delay the print out girls have been waiting for since victorian times
 This it it for all of my suffereing friends out there......................


                                                 THE MANS ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO PMT

This gentlemen is a very easy and simple guide to use, pmt is a very complicated condition, recent studies confirm that Pmt is due to alien abduction, a small part of said sufferers brain is removed for experiments at the same time every month. It does not affect everyone just a selected few, normally good looking babes with clever brains. This step by step guide is the only way to avoid divorce or indeed certain injury.

1. NEVER eat crisps in front of your partner at this time, because of the said brain part removal, it causes the sensory ear glands to swell and heighten the chomping noise by one thousand  times. If you have to eat crisps and you don't want them shoved where the sun doesn't shine, eat them outside.

2. If sufferer says 'does my bum look big in this?' and you start to sweat because you know what ever you say will be wrong. STOP IT, calm down so she cannot see you weakening and simply say. 'What bum? i didn't realise you had one, i thought that was a small peach you keep in your jeans'

3. DO NOT what ever you do take sufferer out for an evening to 'cheer her up' nothing works, it is a pointless waste of time. she will drink stupid amounts of wine and start a fight.

4. If you can see that said one is not coping well with every day tasks, DO NOT start of your own accord doing the house work, this will be perceived as that she cannot do it properly and you think she is crap, this also may result in serious injury.

5. A good tip is to say 'is there anything you would like a hand with I'm really bored!! ;0) that's a good one.;0)  BUT DO NOT proceed to take out all of the furniture and start doing deep cleans, she will think this pathetic and that you are trying to look better than her, just do what she asks and do it the way she does, this will prevent you having to sleep on the sofa.

6. DO NOT chat to people out of her sound reach, paranoia is a massive part of the brain wot is being experimented on, she will think that you are telling the said person of who you are talking to, that she is fat.

7. DO NOT wee on the toilet seat, your tooth brush is very near and she WILL clean it off with it.

8. Bring home a Chinese or a takeaway she likes for a surprise (on a day she hasn't been slaving away in the kitchen for hours over your tea though) pmt causes great hunger and a hungry dragon is not a nice dragon.

9. Do as you are told at all times its only for a week and surely you love her that much. Many black eyes have been saved in this way.

10.  Tell her she looks lovely even if her face looks like a pizza and her clothes don't fit properly, after all next week she will not have a pizza face and her clothes will fit again.............. ITS ONLY A WHITE LIE

Follow these rules and you will have a happy relationship, buy her presents all of the time and it will be happier.


Don't thanks me guys I've probably saved many marriages and the divorce rate in this country will now probably go down, print it out stick it on the fridge or on his BIG FAT HEAD however you may be feeling at the time.
I'm off now the dogs been sick and small person number 2 has dropped ten thousand hamma beads on the carpet
Happy weekend see yaw next week.