Birth, Wind And Fire

................ I'm not going to lie to you campa's I'm fed up! I have quite had enough now of this pregnancy malarkey!
It is currently 5 Am and i am yet again stuck on insomniac island with no boat to get off!
     I am seriously wondering if pregnancy is some kind of joke condition?? where each pregnant bird in the world is issued with her very own voodoo doll from up high, what is kept in the heavenly voodoo cupboard ready for any angry harpists / angelic type persons to do their worst on it!!!
    Currently i am texting from my mobile phone using my left hand. My right hand which 'is' my 'right hand' is splinted up, i cannot feel my fingers anymore if , in fact i still have fingers? its dark, for all i know they may well have fallen off. Everything else is falling off except for the weight. I do have a wrist and an elbow though, i know this because large elephants are currently stomping up and down on them. As if that is not bad enough what ever bad ass fairy is on pregnancy voodoo patrol duty tonight has set my esophagus on fire!!! Yes 'Fire' ladies and gentlemen big bad blazing fire! it has taken half a bottle of Gaviscon to get the blaze under control so far and I'm not expecting the fire to go out altogether anytime soon.
Worse than that can you believe is the painful 'wind pockets' these beauty's are all scattered about in places i never knew existed fizzing and popping with no way of escape!. God only knows where the hell my stomach is at the moment :0/ Apparently i should not sleep on my back at night because its bad for the baby!! 'sleep?' wtf is that? so on my side it is then. ever tried to sleep on Bursitis of the hips?? that's where the voodoo stabber has most of its fun oh apart from the strangulation :0/ Now, i kid you not every time i do fall asleep my airways swell up and i cant  breathe!! the least they could do is let me breathe!! well that voodoo stabbers having great fun with me and i wish she would just piss off!

  The worst thing of all though campas is the fact that i cannot drink wine! :0/ Wine was my friend, a little treat at the end of the day. You have all witnessed my days can you imagine them without wine??
    I'm thinking of writing my birth plan at the moment and its not going to be pretty. In points 1, 2 and 3 so far there are many swear words. Boy 40 is bricking it :0/ I shall attach it when it is finished it could be another pull out information guide, to keep with the other useful pullout guides you already have.
           Believe it or not i also have 3 mental friends who are pregnant at the moment, just today one of them agreed that at least we could still walk!!
Well 'we' can but my good friend fatty Claire has a pelvis what is falling apart so she does find it a little difficult :0(
Just me and Claire alone would suffice as an excellent contraceptive advert. Stick us both up naked on a bill board with arrows pointing to all of our ailments and there will NEVER be another teenage pregnancy in this country again!.
Hideously though we have both been wolf whistled on separate occasions just lately. I mean yes in our 'true forms' we are quite gorgealishious But now we look like Heffelumps and find these actions quite disturbing.
 I do have to admit i was sitting down in the car when white van man and his idiotic friends whistled and drove back past ....... backwards :0( but i still look like a chipmunk!! long gone did i think the days were of the guy on the bike who was staring at me and went over his handle bars in to a skip, probably one of the funniest moments of my twenty's. Or so i thought until i was also chatted up by a golfer on the common last Tuesday! I think the golf club may have been a white stick, i couldn't really tell due to the side winder winds from the hurricane which were blowing me and freaked out Fido all over the place. Even the cows had done a runner. The golfer was probably in storm trauma or something as when i got back to the car all i could see in the mirror was   a bashed up tree scarecrow off of withering heights. I decided to leave off of work for a bit as i could not feel my hand again which is not good if you are a colouring inner like me.
        I popped up to see boy 40 at work just to double check that he was not stupid enough to get up on a roof on this hideously windy day. Pulling up at said building site i discover that he 'was' up on the roof . Dog was still freaked out by these massive winds and refused to leave the car. Boy 40 was pleased to see me although he looked very afraid as i had in fact banned him from getting up on that roof in a hurricane.
By now the feeling in my hand was coming back so i dashed home where i was to spend the entire week producing the Christmas advertising poster for the towns Christmas extravaganza 2011. You may think that September is quite early to start thinking about Christmas but if i don't start it now i will soon be too fat to fit behind my desk :0(
This task however was not without its difficulties. It has  taken nearly 2 weeks due to the fatty stabby wrist voodoo fairy, painting in splints is not really an option unless they want a playschool drawing :0/ I suppose its my own fault really for not propelling myself into the modern world and just cheating with computer graphic technology, but no, not me the brave little soldier  even in pain i shall uphold the art of freehand illustration the sad cow that i am!!!  I cant really moan to be honest 2 years ago it was far worse the same artwork was completed with full blown swine flu :0/ have a look at it on my website the colour scheme was green....... That was not paint!!!   :0( This was After a 2 week stay in hospital with child 2 who contracted it first, this was another example of hideous bad luck. we had kept her in quarunteen on docs advise for weeks due to her lung problems, she was diagnosed with H1N1  the very same day she was due to have the vaccination. We finally came home after a collapsed lung much medication physio and no sleep. Just our luck don't ya think? not sure what was worse that or her burst appendix the previous year, I shan't go in to that little horror story you will be depressed for the rest of the day :0/
          Anyway blagh blagh moaning aside the artwork is all finished and looking lovely. Although no ones actually seen it yet to tell me otherwise!
         After a somewhat terrrible week i was reassured that being kind and putting myself out for people was good! ( after 38 years i was about to give up on  being kind) It just took one bunch of flowers off of intaflora to change my mind. These were from my dear old friend Edna a thank you for all of my efforts for this years country show art work. Its nice to be appreciated small thank yous go a long way.
          So i was happy for a day, until i received news that one of my hand painted bathroom tiles (off of 2 weeks ago) has to be redone because it has been broken!! By someone else!!!.......... not only have i done about 8 for free i now have to spend another 2 hours on another one.... I'm really not 'that' hard up. Boy 40 is in agreement that this is bollocks and very unfair :0( As was the speeding fine he received from a secret speed camera last Monday, this is i have to say his first speeding fine since 1994 but i did open a very large can off whoop ass  that evening. we call him Nige now, off of Nigel Mansell. That 60 quid could have bought 6 takeaway pizzas!
           Good things to happen this week were .......... i cant think of any. Oh apart from that fact that child 3 has been voted on to the school council. This is the second time and for this she is very proud. She did however vote for herself but insists that this was allowed. I was though quite surprised by her new powers, Apparently she does now have the authority to 'fire' the teachers!!! if she so wishes. She is to start with the supply teacher who challenged her to do a whole day without laughing. For this she would win a 'blue sticker'. What ever the crappy prize child 3 has to win it so she is now the proud owner of this said
'blue sticker'. She has though stuck it in her note book as evidence of the day her human rights were in her words
 'infridged' apparently teachers legally can 'not' stop you laughing  as they can also 'not' stop you farting ?? I'm unsure of these scribbled comments and do not know if she has had any problems with farting in the class room :0/  child 2 has not looked in to the legalities of fart prevention yet but i think its best to remain ignorant to this note book :0/
Another good thing was that the boy child had his birthday. He was pleased with his driving licence and lessons and i am looking forward to him being the local taxi driver instead of me.
The downside to the birthday celebrations was the fact that child 3 was to over fill her belly in pizza hut:0(  I kept telling her to stop, she did not. Then can you believe it after she had already over filled herself she ate half of the ice cream  factory! This was truly A wrong decision, i knew she would blow, ive seen it before, you can read about it in the Aphrodite's chocolate fountain blog from the spring :0(. WELL first she blew chocolate vomit all over the balloon dressed table, i say chocolate vomit it was more pizza salad and ice cream vomit coated in coke and smarties :0(
I kinda dragged her from the table as she barfed on the floor. Everyone was staring by now as daddy cleaned it up and she then flew fast through the air on the end of my hand to the toilets.
She looked at the toilet and said 'THAT'S TO DIRTY TO BE SICK IN' she promptly turned around and barfed up the rest of her insides in to the sink :0( this was not agreeable to me. I was going to die if anyone walked in, then wooof she did the other sink too :0( i could feel myself wanting to chuck up now but the toilets 'were' to dirty and she had done both sinks :0(
 I did not have much time and so put the taps on full in the hope it would wash it all away .......... fec!!! fec !! fec!!! it doubled its volume the lumps were to big for the plughole :0( there was nothing for it someone would surely arrive to do their toilet's any minute i had no choice. In went my hands :0( it took ages to push them lumps down :0( i am never eating pizza again :0(
           Well the day was to get worse! The boy child was having a party on this evening and unbeknown to me he had invited Brian blessed! :0(
Just how a small boy of 4ft something can own such a booming voice i have no idea? :0( Boy 40 myself the dog the cats and child 2 and 3 evacuated to the upstairs where we ate party food and watched DVDs. Only our party ended at 10.30.  Brian and the guys downstairs were still going on at 3Am. It was with much encouragement that i told child 3 to start up her marching saucepan band at 8 Am in revenge for my 2 hours sleep!
            As you can imagine with my sleep deprivation i have also done many stupid things this week, more stupid things than usual :0(
 I have been searching for an authentic Harris tweed jacket for the boy child's birthday since he saw one in a vintage shop in London but didn't have enough money to buy it. Being a thoughtful mummy i have been looking for months, i contacted every charity shop and vintage shop in the county in the hope they would get one in in his size, apparently these things rarely come in. My dad used to be a tailor he designed  and made jackets for Harrods in the 60's unfortunately he said he couldn't knock one up for me :0(
Unbelievably 2 days before his birthday one turned up!! god knows how this luck befell me. I went and picked it up!! perfect size and hand woven in the Hebrides perfect ........... So what did i do with it??? I put it in my washing machine :0( fec!
           I think I'm going to leave it there otherwise you wont believe how stupid someone can be with only one head :0(  i will tell you about my sleep texting problem and other idiotic moments next week :0(
Until then Have a happy week campas see ya next time ;0)