I write to you today following another week of pure calamity :0/ I'm not sure that this level of brain malfunction in pregnancy is normal? The only explanation i have would be that the recent discovery of the 'voodoo pregnancy fairy' in my life, has got my voodoo doll and has done some kind of partial brain removal surgery on it.
So its week 28 in child 4's Big mothers house. At least it was when i started writing this blog, i am late in putting it out because i wrote the whole lot and deleted it immediately afterwards ! duh!! I put that down to finger carpal tunnel malfunction, or was it my brain that told me to do it? i just don't know any more :0/
I actually wrote this blog from the mouth of child four, based on her perspective of life inside my (irritated womb) that's what the midwife called it yesterday! well of course its bloody irritated its not been used to this kind of thing for 9 years, it probably thought its job was done, id be bloody irritated too if i was brought out of retirement like that!
I feel now that its probably good that i deleted it because it was full of her muffled swear words, (the only words she hears), tales of a shite Island in the night and unexpected fair ground rides of terror! :0/ To be honest id rather spend 9 months in Guantanamo bay and i don't envy my baby at all, to spend all of this time inside myself would be a bloody nightmare, its bad enough being me on the outside.
Take for instance the Nights when i stop breathing, we are both fast asleep and all of a sudden child 4 is propelled upright like a human catapult. This is the reaction as my brain kicks in and says 'breathe you idiot' I then make hideous water buffalo noises whilst trying to get breath through the swollen up air passages behind my nose and throat, this reaction works thankfully and I'm glad to say I'm still alive. I now have some anti inflammatory spray for this problem and am hoping to sleep soon. Currently i am losing 4 hours sleep every night that's 20 hours a week 80 hours a month and1040 hours a year!!! no wonder I'm a mentalist!!
This week on insomniac island i have mostly been worrying about child 2 who is unfortunately unwell again. I can tell you this is agreeable to neither of us. Physio, pharmaceutical medicine make ups, Pep masks, nebulisers and inhalers are not easy when you are tired and fat :0(
So tired am i now that accidents some days are just unavoidable. Last Tuesday i took a trip to the super market, the first point in my defense your honer is that trolley shouldn't have been in my parking space! and secondly that man certainly should not have been riding a bike so close to my car door :0/
Things did not improve when i entered the place Trolleys aren't the best things to maneuver when you are a 'normal' human being!....... and this was my only defense as it swung around very fast and smashed in to another lady's trolley. Her small child was not impressed and immediately began to cry :0( I then proceeded to bash in to one of the displays knocking down hideous amounts of tinned fruit. I ran away quickly from this disaster only to bump in to someone else who grrrred at me in an un kind way :0( ........... I left the place quite quickly after that with not much stuff i needed, i went my fastest to pick up to child 3 from school only to find i was not supposed to be there because she had an after school club :0/
You may think sleep now is a necessary part of my life but when i do sleep its not good for me either, nor boy 40 it seems, or indeed my unfortunate friend :0/
'Apparently' although i have no knowledge of this, i sat bolt up right in bed one night last week and shouted 'HAVE YOU SEEN THAT HORSE???' at the top of my voice, not much wakes boy 40 but the apparent upset caused to myself by an imaginary lost horse awoke him immediately. He spent the next few minutes actually having a conversation with me about the missing horse :0/ the only way to shut me up was to say that he had found the horse and that it was fine! ....... bonkers
He has also now confiscated my mobile phone from me and hides it every night :0/ I'm unsure if sleep texting is common but my good friend Sally was not impressed by it :0/
'Apparently' (well now i know its true because i read the evidence in my sent box) she was rudely awoken by me at 3 Am by a text which said 'im just on my way to pick up the keys! ' :0/ ..... Although quite proud of my ability to actually send a text successfully in my sleep i am also rather embarrassed about it :0(
I am blaming Doc Martin entirely, this was the night i fell asleep dreaming of a sunny holiday in Cornwall (if that could ever exist in my life). I can only presume i was picking up some imaginary keys on my way there. Sally was confused to say the least as she has never owned a holiday cottage in Cornwall and neither does she want too. So Sal I'm publicly apologising to you for this now, I'm especially sorry that it was on a work night :0/ I'm glad though that you are still my friend and that you found it funny the next day once you had removed the tired match sticks holding up your eyes :0/
Boy 40 took a look through my phone after the sally incident and checked out the out box, this is where messages go if they fail to send. mmmmm there were a good few there, none of them made actual sense and thankfully the numbers they were supposed to go to did not exist, we both laughed a lot at them and i have been the source of amusement in the family ever since :0( .....May be I'm not as good at sleep texting as i thought :0/
Other twatty things i have done this week include taking the 'wrong cat to the vets :0/ I'm not sure if anyone has ever done this before but i found it highly embarrassing, i mean what the hell do you say?? The 'right' cat went AWOL early that morning, i told the kids not to let her out but they didn't seem to understand those simple words. Being in a massive rush as usual, i was multi tasking (something my brain can no longer do) 8.AM Sandwiches to be made, kids to dress, breakfasts, bus passes, medicines, keys , shoes , dog lead, the list goes on. Its no wonder so many things go so wrong.
I saw the cat and subconsciously must have known it was the 'wrong' cat, but it was 'a' cat and the only one i had so i quickly shoved it in the cat box.
The dog was a pain in the arse at the vets as usual but had her boosters done, whilst nervously farting i may add causing my cheeks to fire up red. It was at that moment that my whole face went red, there was indeed a black tail sticking out of the cat box, it should have been a grey one :0( I then knew immediately what i had done and felt very foolish. I tried to make up fake cat illnesses in my head but no good ones would come so i just had to own up.
Twatty things that other people have done to me this week include the lady who walked in front of my car on Tuesday and insisted that 'she' had the right of way............ on the road, where cars go ?? She was well angry :0(
Also the person slash weasel who let down my entire village last Monday by gossiping to the head teacher (who is a neighbour and friend) by telling her about a private comment i made on face book about the school nothing bad just a passing comment?????
I mean for gods sake my status updates and the entire garbage what comes out of my mouth must really be taken with a pinch of salt! It is true that some people do not understand my somewhat sarcastic sense of humour (mainly people with personality bypasses) but anyway what can i expect?. That's what its like living in a small village where 'nothing' happens, the flimmin vicar knew i was pregnant before i did and you can't even fart without it being in the village news letter!
Talking about farting child 3 nearly took out the whole of Swindon last Saturday :0/ Ill come back to child 3 in a moment I'm saving the best till last.
Have you ever had a feud with an inanimate object? just wondered if it was a common problem. I have many and boy 40 although he loves me very much he thinks im not right. I fight mainly with, that god awful hoover the dishwasher and my hairdryer :0/
I am sad to say though i now have a new mortal enemy in the shape of a helium balloon :0( Its been kicking around since child 3's birthday in September I'm staring at it right now. I swear to you its evil! On its string its exactly my height, i think the static electricity in my wayward hair attracts it to me, it floats about behind me all day dragging its string and plastic weight behind it like some kind of ghostly entity. I have jumped out of my skin many times to turn around finding it right there in my face, its like a bad ass villain off of Doctor Who, silently there freaking me out at every opportunity. There were two of them but i luckily killed one in an unfortunate scissor incident :0/ I'm just glad they cannot go upstairs, they cant lift you see just float.
Boy 40 arrived home last Thursday (i worry that he worry's about coming home sometimes) to find me having a physical punching fight with it. Its hard to get sausages out of the oven with a hideous balloon in your face, of course when you punch the thing out of the way it just comes back like bopper bear. no amount of swearing is helping but child 3 is quite attached to it so what can i do?
So that's nearly it god I'm more boring this week than ever before!
Child 3 ......... where the hell do i start?
I ll start with the day after the village idiot got me marched in to school.( grrrrr still very angry about that) Child 3 who we all know is very inventive , decided to draw a Voldemort scar on her forehead with pink permanent marker pen :0/
I kind of thought it would be bad form to send child 3 to school with a Voldemort scar on her head on this day as it could have been misinterpreted for protection, as some kind of war declaration in the fight against the two faced Facebook dark arts reporter and her tales of woe . Which of course although angry about this Face book policing and silencing of freedom of speech in a gestapo manner, I'm not one to fall out with people i like. By the way i deleted them and can safely say that all 178 friends i have are actually proper friends now.
The forehead took some scrubbing but we managed it, she did arrive at school looking a little like Mr Blobby but no one would be surprised by that.
The Saturday before last we went on a family day out to Lego land a promised treat for child 1 and 3 for their birthdays. The main reason for the visit was for child 3 to obtain a Lego land driving licence, her friend Gracie has one you see and she has been very envious for quite some time.
I figured that if i also put boy 40 through the same driving test the police may let him off of his speeding ticket? im going to send the new licence to DVLA so they can put the points on that one.
Following a whole day on my feet i nearly exploded, the kids had a brilliant time though , apart from that fight at the end :0/
Talking of explosions child 3 had been experiencing tummy troubles the week prior to this and was still suffering a little. As i seem to be the worlds worst junk food addict at the moment my eagle eye was the first to spot a Kentucky fried chicken in Swindon on our way home
. Boy 40 pulled over and we went in. The place wasn't packed but had enough diners to be satisfactory busy. This was when it all started. So as many times before we have all been sitting there happily eating and chatting when child 3 starts turning green. :0/
" I cant eat anymore" she said, i immediately agreed with her, after the pizza hut episode of the last blog you can imagine i felt quite scared. It was at this moment that her face squirmed a little and she let one go from her trouser area :0( I did not know where to look and at that moment i thought the sick episode was less embarrassing at least that was not so loud :0/
The gas inside this small person could have powered a small cottage. Of course child 2 spat her chicken across the table in complete hysterics. The boy child tried to refrain from laughing at this rude behaviour but the shakes he had and the tears in his eyes kind of gave him away. Child 3 was of course most impressed by this strange phenomena and repeated the action. She also found it hilariously funny.
The Asian lady and her large family opposite however did not and i worried for her elders which she had obviously taken out for a quite meal, they appeared confused (Granny pegler has never in her life laughed at a bottom explosion from her grandchild) so i completely understood an old persons view on the matter :0(
I was unsure at this point what to do, we were only half way through the meal.
" Ive got tummy ache!" she piped up loudly. "No Shit" i mouthed to boy 40 who was also trying his best to ignore it. She then fired out another one which i swear lasted for over 30 seconds. These wind outbursts were also very very loud, much louder than any one's conversation. By now i think her tummy ache was easing a little as she appeared to be enjoying her un expected hot air display a bit too much.
Thankfully it was time to leave after 20 minutes of it, and i thought a trip to the toilet was appropriate we still had quite a few miles to travel. This meant of course walking through the entire dining area. I pulled her along quite quickly on the way back towards the door. She was now trying to forcibly expel more air as it had appeared to have run out, her new human whoopee cushion status was obviously pleasing her immensely. I explained how doing this action could go very very wrong and was not something i wanted to experience in Kentucky fried chicken at 7 pm on a Saturday night.
Sadly this was the funniest scenario she had ever heard of and very nearly collapsed with laughter on the floor :0/
I would like to apologies to the good people of Swindon, for the lack of respect my daughter showed to your meal out on that Saturday evening :0(
She is better now you will be glad to hear and has just started playing in a girls foot ball team. She is very proud of her new shiny football boots and has enjoyed wearing them to Tesco the doctors and to bed this week :0/
I slightly worry about her need to keep asking people to kick her hard in the shins though :0/ I'm sure shin pads are not for that!! She is apparently very good at the game, mind you she always has been good at kicking stuff . We have given her a new nick name which she is proud of. " I may play foot ball like David Beckham" she stated " But I'm not going to call 'my' new baby Half past seven" I raised my eye brows as did boy 40 we then laughed which is exactly what she wanted.
Anyway i shall keep you no more Until next time dudes ;0)
xxxxx
* NEVER LET THIS EVIL BALLOON IN TO YOUR HOME
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