I firstly will apologies for the delay in this blog (again) i now have severe pregnancy brain malfunction and am finding every day tasks like: writing, talking and walking in a straight line very difficult :o/ ............. Much like a Saturday night out really from times gone by, although you don't recover in any way the next day.
Stupidity is something i now have a degree in, just take this instance of right now!! I have just grilled the kids tea :0( 3 pieces of fish in batter grilled, its black on the top and uncooked inside this follows the last 30 minutes previous to this mistake of the oven actually being off when i thought it was on :0/
I have also had flash backs this week to the Tiffany's jumper incident from one of Aprils blogs :0( although this time it was not a jumper i scorched with fire on the stove but a scarf :0(
The smoke alarm kind of outed my mistake in a very loud way. The enchiladas that night were of a rather woolly consistency, i took off the burnt bits though and it wasn't that noticeable so it wasn't all bad:0/
I am seriously thinking of doing a risk assessment on my self and putting the findings of 'complete incompetence' in certificate form on my kitchen wall. At least then i may legally not be able to cook anymore and for that everyone will be grateful.
The dog was however very grateful last Tuesday when i took out a baking tray without oven gloves, the food (our dinner) was dropped all over the floor and she gladly ate it all up :0( my food bill has doubled over the past few weeks due to the duplicate meals i have been cooking.
If cupboards could eat my kitchen cupboard next to the dishwasher would also be very grateful. I have now chucked at least five dirty pots/ plates on separate occasions in to it instead of the dishwasher :0( It is a messy habit to be in and so is the one when i randomly empty hoover bags on to the floor instead of in the bin, after i have already hoovered :0( I also left the dog out and went out the other day its a good job i realised before id got too far ............. If any doctors are reading this please email me to reassure me this is normal pregnancy behaviour because I'm beginning to wonder.
Well other crap things off of the last 2 weeks include the fact that my pajamas no longer fit me and i soon will be wearing a potato sack to bed. Various companies keep sending me wine brochures which i think is very unfair. And i hit a golfer in the head in a sidewinder wind accident with the dogs ball last Thursday :0(
Although on balance i expect that more dog walkers have been hit by golf balls, so in life's universal balance I'm probably a hero.
I found out two Wednesdays ago that the lock does not work on the disabled toilet in my local Costa coffee :0/ My friend found it very amusing as she watched the middle aged man approach the toilet door and open it :o( I'm not really sure how amused he was when he saw me there 'a hideous water buffalo' trying to arrange ones tangled undergarments of which i have not been able to see for months now. In fact anything could be going on under that bump of mine, my feet could have fallen off and i would have no idea.
He was shocked to say the least but that really was no excuse not to shut the door again afterwards! i am still traumatised to this day!
Then ladies and gentlemen if that was not enough to piss me off in this short span of a few days i went down with the plague!! Yes the plague! I never catch anything but just to top it off i was to catch what child 2 had the week before and had to have a week off of school for. The amount of physio i did mind you it was probably inevitable, Those coughed up germs had to go somewhere i suppose.
Following a week of nearly passing out being as hot as a nuclear power station and having more snot than a snot factory i was glad to start getting better. My friends have also been very kind to me lately in just one week alone i was bought chocolate for a cheer me up present, made a lovely pair of earrings given some fabbydoo hair products and had many cake delivery's.
I have also been treated to a baby shower this week down the local pub! i am glad to say i stayed up past 8.30pm like a normal human being and had a most excellent time with some amazing friends who also bought me lovely presents including a basket full of goodies and a nappy cake full of scrummy baby stuff, so hey things cant be that rubbish after all!!
Child 3 has been up to her usual tricks the first thing to report would be the lizard which i found living in her room :0( She is unsure of how it got there but i think it was from one of her survival missions to the forest woods, (the garden) i chased it about for 20 minutes he sure was a fast little git! I shall attach now a photo of her survival kit, apparently this is all you will ever need to survive in the forest woods (the garden), for 3 whole days!! A secret agent id card, a water bottle some sweets and a fart box !! genius
She did not however stay up there for 3 days probably about 10 minutes :0/
The plague was bad and i stayed in bed for 2 days one of these days i was alarmed when child 3 came up stairs looking a little worried........ Mum there's a dusty man in the kitchen!!
I knew boy 40 was about somewhere but was rather confused as i had not heard the door. Mum quick go and look at the dusty man he has no hair, hes sat at the table with a big news paper :0/ ....... As per usual child 3's imagination was on overtime, she grabbed a super soaker from her room as defense. On entering the kitchen i find boy 40 and one of our oldest friends at the table. He'd popped round on his way home from work to look at some plans of electrics, he was bald and dusty but hes always been bald and dusty since he first time i saw him, about 2o years ago. Child 3 just laughed when she saw who it was but still shot him anyway :0/.
The next thing to capture her imagination was the following morning. Just ready to leave school and she pops to the toilet, 'Muuuuuum look Ive done a blue wee!' she shouts down the stairs 'really?' i replied 'yeah come and look quick, its great !!' she was very excited by this unusual occurrence. Myself and child 2 had a look and indeed she had done a 'blue wee' the water was bright blue and for this she was very proud. Child 2 was amazed she had never seen anyone do a blue wee before. Child 3 of course thought she was now some kind of super hero and made me promise to leave it there so she could show boy child and daddy when they arrived home that evening.
I closed off that particular toilet to guests that day and let her go off to school thinking that she had done a blue wee, i didn't really have the heart to tell her it was the blue block id put in the cistern the night before, i might tell her one day when she's about 25, that was about the same age my sister was when i told her that our next door neighbour didn't really eat our pet hedgehog :0/ About the same age as i was when i discovered foxy loxy really did eat chicken licken (my mum was very protective in her story reading skills) :0(
We attempted to visit Cornwall again last weekend, the weather has been lovely for October so i booked a last minute 3 day holiday, a nice relaxing break before child the 4th arrives. The weather was indeed quite nice the first day we were there, we all sat on the beach and watched child 3 try and 'kill the sea' ? with her new spade :0/ I am presuming the sea took offence to this as that night the hurricane winds came followed by the rain, i have to say it was quite cosy in the caravan until about 2 o'clock in the morning when i thought the windows may all blow in on us :0( I would like to show you the evidence now.... look at this!!
So Cornwall was a wash out but strangely we did have a lovely time, until that was we had driven for 3 and a half hours, Radio 2 was to tell of us of the road closure of our entire village when we were about a mile away from home :0( we had come a hundred odd miles in the pissing down rain and did we see one accident? no! (this is how bad my road is). Our home was 1 minute away when we came across the road block. Some poor girl had been knocked down by a car right outside our house, we parked the car elsewhere and walked the rest of the way to discover 2 ambulances 2 first response cars, 3 police cars and an air ambulance. It makes you wonder when the twatty highways will slow the road down?, I wrote to them 4 years ago but they don't really give a shit, thankfully the girl was airlifted to hospital and is going to be ok. So to all of you arse holes who drive down our road like idiots just remember people actually live here and that you are a bunch of twats! Gloucestershire highways sort it out you bunch of halfwits. Its no good saying there has to be 'history' on the road which means death because that's just a sick cop out for your uncaring incompetence, My poor little brother is what you call 'history' because of the low tolerance levels on another shitty road around here, we did note you resurfaced it within hours of his death to cover your backs though arseholes!.
Anyway Soz about that rant it just makes me really angry and was not a nice thing for my kids to come home too.
So at home we were and everyone felt a bit sad due to the circumstance on our return. As per usual when you get home from holiday there is no food in the house, boy 40 decided to cheer up the kids and order a pizza. Duh!! he then had to un order it because the road was closed.
The boy child tired of travelling then got up. 'Where are you off? i asked. Got to go and fetch Duncan Biscuit he replied. Who the hell is Duncan Biscuit you may ask? Well ill tell you, he is the stinky piss smelling little mouse which is now living in my shower room. Boy child and his friend bought the said piss smelling mouse for a birthday present for a friend before we went away. It turns out his friend is allergic to mice as is his whole family :0(. (boy child has the same kind of luck as me) So anyway Duncan was evicted from his new home i shan't bore you with details but he ended up living at the local school, he does smell badly of piss and for this they too evicted him, so he goes to live 3 doors down.
For probably the same piss smelling reasons he was too evicted from this his 3rd home. Not really what i needed after the day id had but ok. The boy child admits parental responsibility for this rodent and so hence the reason for him living in my shower room :0( I'm thinking to admit liability for this piss ridden rodent was not a good move and from things i know he may well be chased by The Csa or the Msa for roughly 20 grand until the mouse has grown up and is able to fend for his piss ridden self :0/ silly mistake boy child :0(
Talking of the boy child i worried as i dropped him off in town a few weeks ago dressed as a sailor, hat and all :0/ he was off to a rag bash but there are many weirdos in town and i worried for his safety, even boy 40 who's laid back as anything was worried he may get beaten up.
Worried that was until i saw 8 thunder birds one cave man and captain America walk past my house, they were obviously off to the same place. All was well until 11.45 when he rings me and says 'mum can you come get me quick my lift has gone without me ! :0( yeah fine i thought I'm only 31 weeks pregnant its bloody freezing outside, Boy 40 was asleep i dare not wake him cos child 3 is in my bed again firmly cuddling daddy around the neck, and if she wakes up it'll be sponge bob till dawn. So off i rush in my nightie a coat and a pair of boots in to the night. I found my sailor boy outside waitrose thankfully before any weirdos found him. So cheers oh parent driver of that night that was a very sensible way to behave, fancy dumping a sailor in the middle of town and sodding off without him grrrrr.
So here we are sorry if you've been bored witless, this half term has been crap and I'm at the top of child 2's get it list again!! we have since last Friday been travelling about the countryside at hospital appointments all week so i don't have to take her out of school in term time, this has also included injections and blood tests :0( hopefully one day she will understand that its not all my fault :0( She is though however also allergic to Duncan Biscuit so if anyone wants a piss stinking mouse let me know
Until next time
See yaw xxx
P.S The name Duncan Biscuit is strictly copyrighted ;0)
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