YO
I thought id start writing now to distract myself from the unfortunate happenings of this morning.
In small summary ' 1 wet skirt, 1 dirty shirt, Holey trousers, broken shoes, wobbly glasses. 1 tic, and a weetabix explosion' :0(
So its 10.00 A.M and I'm still wondering how i actually got them to school on time. Whilst microwaving the wet school skirt (not my best idea) i wrestled with child 3 'THE actual fashion expert off of the whole of England' ... and her trousers. I am sorry to say she is again today wearing 'The wrong trousers' . I finally removed the dirty ones with the stitching up the bottom (in the wrong colour thread) from her tight sweaty grasp and i put them in the wash. Well Lady's and gentlemen you would have thought i was committing a hideous crime!!.
So world war 3 broke out right then in my kitchen, the weetabix exploded from the packet in my hand, i over cooked the skirt and burnt my hand on the button and then discovered Graham the cat had a Tic stuck fast in to her neck.
Child 2 was just sitting down quietly eating her breakfast. Child 3 had a face like thunder as she sat 'in the wrong trousers' and ate her breakfast whilst stomping on the rest of her 'wrong' clothes.
I pinned down the cat with my water Buffalo pregnant weight and surgically removed the Tic. I made up child 2's antibiotics and administered the vitamin D which has finally arrived some six weeks after we were told she was severely deficient in it. Well its taken them 11 years to find that out so what does an extra 6 weeks matter? grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I mended the shoes and brushed the hair, i mended the glasses and didn't find the lost hearing aid. we found the car keys i lose everyday and we were off.
Reflecting back on last week makes me wonder if i will ever have a normal life? My friends don't want to believe the unfortunate events which befall me but they have too because in 20 years nothing has changed, even before that it was the same :0/
Exactly a week ago today Child 3 was still off of school with Tonsillitis. Being very tired in the afternoons i fell asleep whilst watching Spongebob at 2.00 PM. Awakened with a start at 3.pm the boy child was informing me that i had better go and pick up child 2 from school :0/
So me Tonsillitis girl and the boy child left the house immediately. I had an appointment with the midwife at 3.30, not wanting to spread tonsillitis about the doctors surgery to all of the mental.... i mean pregnant women, and of course not wanting child 2 to catch anything from the doctors surgery, i decided to leave them all in the car, i mean what could go wrong? child one the boy child is a young adult now and completely responsible. After all I'm normally only gone for 10 minutes.
Whilst sitting and waiting in the waiting room with all of the other fattys i glanced down at my hands, it was then that i felt all warm and my fat hamster like cheeks went very red. What had child 3 done to me???
Whilst i was asleep she had outlined all of my veins in blue Biro :0( The backs of my hands looked like spooky trees, she had also done inside my wrists. I looked down at my sandals and yes she had too done my feet :0( Spit and hard rubbing inconspicuously also made it worse.
I had been waiting for half an hour now and there was not much sign of me going in soon, feeling anxious about the small people i text the boy child, he assured me they were all fine (which kinda worried me more) Half an hour after that me and my blue veins were called in, All was well we listened to child 4's heart beat and my blood pressure was very low again, no wonder i keep fainting my heart cant be assed to pump the stuff round, at least i now have licence to eat stuff i fancy like hideous amounts of crisps n chips, i need the salt you see ;0)
So i left the surgery and amazingly all was good when i reached the car, no scraps no injury's and ........... No battery :0(
It was great that they had decided to plug boy child's i pod in to the cigarette lighter to have a mini disco for an hour, But it was not great that the car would now not start :0( Nothing there at all the battery was completely flat.
At 5 pm the Midwife drove past on her way home, GRRRRR roared child 2 through the window. (she was hungry, anyone who knows child 2 knows NEVER to come between her and her food) I called boy 40 immediately who was at that time bombing it through the countryside to come and save us. 5.30PM The ' i spy ' game abruptly ended when child 3 i spied Mac Donald's, (which was no where near us) she did this to wind 2 up and it worked. I was also starving and child 4 was bouncing about on my bladder :0( Then i had a thought, As Alanis Morrisett used to say 'Isn't it ironic' I'm sat at the doctors with an ill car :0( why me??
I also realised at that point that the MOT had run out :0( so it couldn't be left there we HAD to fix it :0( we no longer have AA cover ....... we got banned for calling them out too many times :0(
Boy 40 arrived and Ive never been so glad to see him in all my life!!! There was a terrifying moment when he maneuvered the car out of its parking space, oh and another one when hes was running with it down hill towards a stationary car :0/ It was OK though he jumped in it like spider man and the engine fired up. Hurrahh!!! The kids thought he was a super hero, i was glad i would be reaching a toilet within the next 10 minutes.
The next day our good friend Mike came and picked up Trixy floss slinker Bell and took her for an mot. I'm not sure of what happened upon this day but my luck was in and she passed!!! omg how extraordinary, although i do recall i did have a lucky day before it was one Friday in 1998.
The next day i was to discover that the Focus Diy store of my town was selling 5 litre tins of paint for £2.76!!!! Rightly or wrongly i went to have a look after school. I needed to purchase some new paint for Santa's little helpers (child 4's) new bedroom. I knew the timing of this (being 'after' school was probably a mistake when i walked through the door. Child 3 had hold of the trolley and child 2 was keen to search for the green and yellow paints i was after. Child 2 proved to be very helpful to me However child 3 as usual was not :0( There she was sat in the trolley seat the wrong way having climbed up there herself :0( She then got her chubby legs stuck, not being able to lift her at the moment i had no choice but to ask a member of staff to assist me :0/
I did not bother explaining why my child who is obviously too old and big for trolleys was sat in it in that manner, although now in retrospect it may have been better to have left her there :0/
Child 3, 1 trolley and a half empty superstore with lots of open floor space was not an agreeable situation to me. She suddenly became possessed and began running and skidding for hideous distances not caring about the massive pyramids of paint she was heading for, she was having such a lovely time she noticed no humans either, i cant go through what happened next again, but the member of staff involved was not too pleased, needless to say i grabbed the paint paid for it and legged it very quickly :0/
That evening when i had recovered from the trolley trauma and i thought of my lucky day in purchasing such bargain paint i thought i may be on a roll, so i decided to win the euro millions.
It was only 10 minutes before they closed and this was not the correct 10 minutes to have a memory black out., I couldn't for the life of me remember my lottery account user name or password :0( I was defiantly about to win and i only had 5 minutes now in which to get my ticket. I decided to open another account as there was no chance in remembering it at all, in the past few months i have forgotten car tax, mot, birthdays, appointments and all sorts of stuff the lottery password was never going to resurface :0/
So now i have a new account with 3 minutes to spare. I was nervous There was 26 million riding on this i entered my bank card details DOH!!!!! it wouldn't accept them because this was the card (the only debit card i have) that was linked to the 'other' lottery account :0( I shouted at boy 40 to quickly give me his, i had one minute to win 26 million, he did not take my lucky day seriously so did not run very fast, he passed me the card ......... which didn't work :0( I have millions of credit cards and was not aware that you cannot gamble with those :0( So bloody marvelous, after all that stress the time had run out, at least i suppose my blood pressure was a little higher.
Because 'I' didn't win it was obviously a roll over but my chance was up as i forgot all about it last night until it was too late, so who ever won it its rightfully mine you can contact me through face book and ill have it back thanks.
Well that only leaves me to tell you about the Faux pas of the most terrible kind. :0( & :0o
Twas on the night that i didn't win the lottery that Granny P phoned and invited us all for lunch that Sunday.
Boy 40 said on the phone that he would check with me and call her back mmmmmm
Here comes the terrible thing :0(
Listen I'm pregnant, things wot people don't understand wind me up. Sickness for instance. Granny P has a farm. It smells. It smells bad!!!! 200 cows arses and a massive silage pit is situated not far from her house :0( Its awful and festers in the heat on hot days. If the wind blows in the wrong direction its hideous. Believe me it is NOT agreeable to my current situation, i cant even open cat food :0(
I said begrugengly to boy 40 that Sunday lunch would be OK :0/ So he tried to phone her back, she was not there.
It was at that point (when i thought he had put the phone down) that i opened my big mouth and shouted to him. "I'M NOT GOING IF IT STINKS OF SHITE MIND!!!............... YOU HAD BETTER GO UP THE DAY BEFORE TO CHECK IT OUT............. IF IT STINKS OF SHITE I CANNOT GO!!!"
mmmmmmm Fec......... :0/
A bit later on in the evening he tried to call her back :0/ "strange" he says i cant get any dialling tone. " that noise is because the other phone is off the hook" i said confidently, its happens if someone hasn't put the phone down properly.
It was then that my blood ran cold :0( because 'he' had used the said phone last, which was off the hook, and he had not put it down :0(
It slowly dawned on me that the phone must have been ringing and ringing whilst Granny P was probably sat on the toilet and unable to answer.............. the answer phone was most definatly kicking in as she reached for the flush :0( Because 'HE' the numb nuts had not put the phone down :0( thus recording my big shouty terrible stinky poo message :0(
When we did arrive on the Sunday Granny was there to greet us in the yard, i was unaware whether or not she had listened to the answer messages on her phone :0(
It was not helpful that child 2 opened the car door saying "Ah the land of poo! cow poo, pig poo, horse poo" her and child 3 then reinacted a whole scene from nanny Mc phee, about farm poo, much to Granny's complete confusion.
I'm so ashamed and i hope she realises i meant the farm and not her house :0(
And that's all i have to say about that :0/
Anyway i had better go the house is a tip and i have done sod all today
Toodle pip.
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