Hello
Today i bring this shite to you from a sunnier disposition.
Finally after 15 weeks i am feeling Happy!!! Yes i said 'Happy'. (despite the fact child 2 is currently on a nebuliser and child 3 is suffering with tonsillitis)
I cannot quite believe it is true, all of a sudden THE 'Miserable woe is me, i want to live under that rock, i hate everyone, and I'm so angry i could fight Voldamort' feeling has gone!!! And i am SO glad, i am late writing this blog by the way because i now feel the need to write letters of apology to everyone for being so disgustingly miserable :0(
One good thing to come out of it i suppose is that i have given the eye wrinkles a rest though lack of laughter , i best get some new cream now.
My mind though is still i am sorry to say a bit absent, so i will work backwards with the week ending in the Toys R Us fiasco ........ grrrrrrrrr
I am currently painting the back drop for the kids school play, i am even dreaming of mushrooms weird trees and huge toadstools, unfortunately the fabric is not of the usual theatre backdrop canvas but has more of a spongey consistency so my painting looks quite playschool like. I can only just manage to cover it in paint, never mind any fine detail :0( i also managed to walk all over it giving myself blue feet of which i then walked upon the hall floor with :0( after that i knackered my new birthday sandals wot are now blue :0(
Worse than that is the sad fact that i had to go to Tesco's yesterday to purchase some 'fat pants' What has happened to my life?? I'm supposed to be rich and famous by now, not buying 'fat pants' in Tescos because i only have 3 pairs left wot actually fit me :0(
I may as well set all of my size 8's and 6's on fire because at this rate i will NEVER wear them again. :0(
Following the insertion of the fat pants in to my trolley i proceeded to the checkout. UN be known to me the kind looking understanding old lady whom was on the till was to be replaced by a young fit lad of about 20, I'm not sure i wanted him to see my 5 pack of fat pants :0( I'm all of a kerfuffle by now He gives me no bags as usual and makes me feel like an 'un green' bad ass plastic bag lover. And then begins to put through the hideous amount of food shopping. The pants are coming up on the conveyor belt and i am turning red "ALCOHOL" He shouts at the top of his voice to the old enough person to sell it who was probably 5 miles away. Being flustered by not enough bags, him going to fast and fat pants coming up i was in a bit of a panic 'itssss not MINE!!!!' i shouted back in my defense, he looked at me like i was a freak, I'm obviously old enough to buy it :0(
(When your preggers you feel a little defensive like this, you cant do anything you see, i haven't drank wine in 15 weeks and I'm beginning to get the shakes)_Anyway i chucked the rest in the trolley grabbed boy 40's beers hid the fat pants under the orange juice and legged it.
This past week i have to say has had its ups and downs as usual, it was the boy child's last day at school last Tuesday and that made me very sad :0( I remembered as i drove home from dropping him off, of when he was 5 his big blue eyes and blond ringlets on his first day at primary, he was so tiny then. Now he's taller than me with a jaw the shape of He mans and hairier legs than his dad :0( He's still got the blond curls and blue eyes though.
His prom was the next day held in a rather posh venue in Tetbury, he had a good time although was not impressed with the 'local radio' style disco after the dinner, £35 PER head makes me think they should have had a better DJ perhaps but then he is a rather fussy boy when it comes to music. He was to go to a camping party after the prom which kinda worried me a little so i had a word with him when he came in at 11pm. He came home to change out of his suit and to kiss his mummy night night " Don't do anything i wouldn't do " i said. He looked at me in a confused manner " well that doesn't leave much mum does it!! " he said smiling. What was he saying??? there was i in my moo cow pajamas glass of milk by my side.. cheeky monkey, he even went as far as saying that he wouldn't do anything i would do :0( Then off he went, Boy 40 (daddy's taxi) finally returned home at 12.30 pm
It was also on this day that child 3 proudly announced to her teacher and the class that Mummy wrote a blog!!! Omfg ............ All of the kids and the teacher were very interested about this fact and i have had many questions since. Child 3 thought this was hilarious (she knows whats in it........ her mainly) and she laughed as her teacher was asking me what it was about :0(
I tried to explain to child 3 that it is only people with a certain sense of humour that may appreciate this blog, a sense of humour like mine hers and 1800 other people (get in)
I'm sure it would be very unpalatable for some types, what with the swearing and gutter type subjects such as poo and rabbits arses, but anyway what can you do?
Talking of gutters and things, i unfortunately nearly let out my best friends secret to hundreds in this week on face book. :0(
my oldest and funniest friend of about 26 years 'fizzer' follower number 3, had a little guessing game going on to our friends to guess my facebook password, (no one would ever guess it, its far to weird) but i was off to bed as this guessing game was still going on, so i decided to take drastic action and threatened to out her with 'the tarmac incident off of 1988 at the 'golden cross' cross roads, down near where i lived.
A rather messy incident which can never be repeated in both speech or diagram, much banter was to be had though as you can imagine, it provided many with entertainment for a good few days, all sorts of rumours have been flying about!!............
so erm I'm publicly sorry about that fizzer (shes called fizzer by the way due to a bit of a diet coke accident in the wimpy in about 1987 when we were 14 ish.... that wasn't pleasant either) also the imaginary vision in my head the other morning when i phoned her was not of a pleasant nature.
"Hi mate its only me!" "Oh hello can i ring you back Ive got my flinky out at the moment, I'm just having a shower" Oh my Christ what is she like??, but anyway i treasure the day she offered me a polo at westonbirt arboretum on a school trip when we were 11 because Ive never had a best friend like her.
I met another friend for lunch too this week (my sister in law), i hadn't seen her for ages, i suggested a restaurant in our local town, Its really nice in there but all i could smell was the vile smell of the fish tank which i think they must have cleaned out last in about 1984 :0( i pretended it wasn't there (the smell) but her face said that she could smell it too, another disaster which put me right off my food.
The cats have had it good this week though food wise, i walked in the other day to find child 3 sharing a cheese string with them both :0( no wonder she currently has tonsillitis I'm sure sharing cheese strings with cats is not healthy. The dog would have loved it too but she was still in hiding. Child 3 you see had been watching a nature program about crocodiles. "MUM...... MUM" she shouted the previous day "look i know the technique of wrestling a crocodile" ................. :0(
I walked in to find her with the dog in a head lock, the dog did in fact look just like a crocodile, what with her arms up like that and her tail the way it was. The technique was indeed correct. I'm just glad shes a loving Labrador and not a feisty pit bull. Don't worry Rspca if your reading (again) shes fine now and was not harmed during the experiment.
Insomniac island has been on and off this week, although when I'm not on it I'm dreaming weird stuff, last night i got kidnapped by Duncan Banatine again and locked in dragons den, a few days before that i cut off all my hair, it was placed in the corners of toys r us car park ready to be spun in to gold, and the strangest dream was of sausages mash and baked beans, i made that dream come true the following day......... what a dream to make come true, i have such a rock n roll life style :0/
I saw Evita Friday night at the theatre one of boy 40's last birthday presents to redeem, we were late getting there as usual i had to shove my pre show meal down my throat at 5o mph, and take my shoes off to run up stairs to the posh seats (good job we had the posh seats I'm too fat for the cheap ones now) I was also invited to see Take that on this evening at wembley, but i just couldn't face Robbie seeing me in such a fat state, at least in the theatre it was dark :0(
.................. Well apart from the nail glue incident, the bleach accident and the Xfiles day when all of my phones were cut off that's about it.
It was the day of the fish tank meal i had the nail glue problem. Have you ever watched 'Theres something about Mary?' I kind of reinacted that. :0/ The nail glue was so powerful it shot up through my eye brow and in to my hair, sticking it all up in a rather strange manner, i did spend over an hour picking it off before i went, and i have spent quite a few hours since trying to remove it. So soz sister in law about my hair that day and the fish smell (of which you clearly noticed both )............ may be 'that's' why we don't go out too often,
The bleach accident was a little more worrying, although the nail glue made a big ugly splodge splatter stain across the wooden floor, the bleach was worse, wrecking the utility room the clean washing on the airier and my whole attire for that day
:0( I cant even be bothered to go in to the Moulder and Sculley day, but i am perfectly sure Aliens were on their way to kidnap me to experiment on my brain
:0( Luckily they did not succeed and i am still here.
So we are back to the Saturday and the Toys R us experience. I would really like to know where they get off in treating their customers so badly ??? Half an hour i was in there being tired pregnant and hungry, all i wanted was to purchase a cot bed. To elaborate would bore the fat pants off of you so i shan't, just don't shop in there is my advise, they demand you pick up your (paid for with lots of money item) within 24 hours (like i can put a cot bed on my head and walk home) or they charge £20 delivery when online delivery is free but you can't use the website to order said cot bed (as you've been trying for weeks) because it is so shite!!! Well they obviously do not need any customers and i shall never shop there again.
And Now campas is the daddy's guide to pregnancy pull out guide, soon available in all GPS surgery's. Print it out and put it on the fridge.
A DADDY'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING PREGNANCY
1. It is ALL your fault and don't forget it
2. 'IF' your wife , life partner, one night stand or other
demands a kebab at 2.30 in the morning, she actually NEEDS one
You must fetch one immediately from the local Kebab house to prevent
personal injury
3. Ignore the fact your wife now has to wear big fat pants,
just concentrate and be grateful to the fact she also now needs big fat bras
4. Chocolate is VERY important, always be on call day or night to
Make a mercy dash to the shops, also tomato ketchup and
wotsits are very important too
5. If she asks you to rub her feet, just do it eh?? and be grateful you can
still see them as she probably cant
6. Be sympathetic when she cries over lost coleslaw,
or you may find it in your FAT face.
Food is a very important thing at this time it is the ONLY
Pleasure she has
7. DO NOT look at skinny pretty girls through the monocle glasses at
the theatre especially if you nicked the pound from your wife to hire
them......... the glasses not girls
THIS MAY RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY
8. Do NOT leave any dirty pots in the kitchen for your wife to find in the
morning,
morning sickness is not pleasant and actually releases evil endorphins
to its inflicter Remember you are out all day and she has access to your
Tooth brush
9. Take her out often and buy her chips. the odd Kentucky fried chicken wouldn't
go a miss occasionally either. Buy her many presents.
What suffering do you have to go through??? none!!
10. Do all of the house work, all of the cooking, clean out all of the pets,
Do the washing, let her lie in bed all day, buy her shoes, clean out the car,
Do not EVER mention hamster cheeks,
11. A good tip would be, NOT to say what you think.
'my god look at the size of them stretch marks'
But to lie your ass off and say ' whoa my Christ you must
have been so super skinny before to have THIS many stretch marks'
12. Do not expect her to do anything at all for 40 weeks because after all
IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT
Well there you are campas, i shall shortly be submitting this to Mother and Baby Magazine and practical parenting so if you don't print it out now just wait for the next editions ;0)
Until Next time xxxxxxxx :0) :0) :0) :0)
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