Hey How the devil are you all?
A small explosion is happening! Total viewers as to may 9th at 5.43 pm is 'One Thousand Three Hundred and 89' OMFG you can't all be counsellors, psychiatrists, social services The Rspca, stalkers and weirdos, surely some of you must be normal, i mean on a percentage basis?
Anyway i thought id make a start now in between eating, crying, throwing up and sleeping, yes thanks boy 40 you've turned me in to an emotional, fat, tired, sick machine (and he's supposed to love me!) Being pregnant is pants and now i know exactly why i left so many years in between child 1, 2 and 3.
Most days i feel like the Terminator PMT has nothing on this and when I'm not so flimmin tired i will write another Guide. A guide to surviving pregnancy, or a 'Daddys' guide to surviving pregnancy........... I will soon have enough pull out guides to have my own stand in G.Ps surgery's.
Last weeks blogget concentrated mainly on my evil Goblins and my crap holiday. Well they are still there and their first job this week was to kill 2 of my goldfish :0(
I was carefully popping them down the Heaven Du toilet, when to my horror child 3 walked in the room. 'Mum what are you doing?' 'erm well I'm letting the old fishes swim off down the toilet because the water goes directly to the sea where they get transported buy a flying golden boat to heaven! (quick thinking hey?)
' What do you mean mum them was new fishes, we only got them a little while ago' .........i managed to persuade her that they must have been old men fish when we bought them, alas this is not the only fish death this year, :0( poor old googley eyes sadly departed not long before the new ones arrived, there was only so many times he could jump out of that bowl :0(
Child 3 was then very interested in this heavenly process and watched. They magically whizzed around and around as they departed down the toilet to the after world. She was sure she saw stars and fairy dust, i think that was just the remains of the duck toilet bomb i had deposited down it the day before.
'So then mum' she said holding one of the cats, 'erm so when the cats die do we stick them down there too? ' Frankly nothing would give me more pleasure i thought, but explained that we would need a very big plunger and possibly a stick. (I'M ONLY JOKING RSPCA) Child 3 took the cat away very quickly, she was laughing as she went by the way, just in case social services are reading too ;0)
Actually though Asbo cat really needs to learn about cat personal safety before something happens to her. I spent quarter of an hour trying to park my car the other day, she drives me nuts!!! When i arrive home she is there. Every time! she must have some freaky 6th sense or something. I need to park in my space its the only space i have, so firstly as i pull in she will come up to the car and do that rubby head thing on the front wheels, then as i try to manoeuvre she will roll around behind the back wheels, Then proceed to sit her small hairy ass right in the middle of the space. Grrrrrrrrr The only thing i can do then is get out and put her in the car, em only on this particular unfortunate day the escape windows were open, the escape electric windows :0(......... it was a very close call. Quick thinking or not as it turned out, i tried to shut up that window before she jumped out..........she had the same idea, lucky for her she was the quickest :0/ and then the whole sorry process started again, ............ That day i parked my car on the road , may be i should get that cat psychiatrist in after all i wonder if he saw Graham about her poo problem he would see Asbo for free?
It seems that this week is mostly concentrated on Animals, The Dyson animal was the next disaster, At the moment I'm more tired than a dead mouse with narcolepsy.
I don't need that stupid hoover to go wrong, but as the evil ones are obviously still out to get me they sabotaged that as well. I was so angry, after messing about with it for 20 minutes, i posted on twitter, "I hate my Dyson Animal it wont even suck up a feather never mind a flimmin animal." i also made some comment about it not sucking up an elephant......... 2 seconds later the official Dyson help website replied saying they were sorry that my machine had lost suction!!!!! :0( I was slightly embarrassed by this and was worried that trying to suck up elephants would affect my warranty :0/ .............. They advised me to wash the filters, i did this and it still wouldn't suck up elephants, i mean anything. So i then proceeded to unscrew the entire god awful machine in search of a blockage. Following some banging, poking, kicking and much violence i put it back together again, and by some miracle it worked :0/ Please don't tell boy 40 i did that though he won't like it :0/
The next furry animal disaster was the day child 3 covered herself from head to toe in Biro, apparently she was disguising herself as the Gruffalo ??, this was all very well but it was 8.00pm on Sunday evening the chances of a Gruffalo turning up at school on Monday morning were very high. .............. it didn't come off, the Gruffalo incident followed another Sunday goblin attack. Never leave your Sunday dinner meat on the side in the kitchen if you have two cats, especially cats as asbotic as mine, Sunday was a very hungry day :0(
I also went hungry on Monday because after 2 hours of preparing a meal, retrieving the boy child from his girlfriends (after boy 40 had waited for him for ages then presumed he was at home) . A massive fly landed right on my plate, this is not agreeable to my situation at the moment because 1. i need to eat hideous amounts of food, and 2. a fly landing on my plate would make me feel very very sick. Beef stroganoff with roasted vegetables and sweet potatoes with an assortment of spring vegetables! 2 flimmin hours it took me and i ended up with a pot noodle :0/ My brain has turned inside out since joining the 'pregnant' club this week i forgot to by car tax, forgot a hospital app with child 2 also left child 2's shoes outside in a tropical rainstorm on a Sunday night and cried because we ran out of coleslaw :0(
I'm not expecting improvement anytime soon either child 3 was accused of skiving on Tuesday because the school were sitting Sat's, although she is a master of trickery she did actually have a temperature and was not well at all, this has now transferred its self to child 2 who currently has a temperature of 39 c and as we know she will be poorly for ages now :0( .............crap.
So that's that really, life at the moment consists of evil goblin's, television, ill people, and hideous amounts of Jammie dodgers. That's not so bad i suppose, i mean the TV and Jammie dodgers bit, i don't normally watch much TV but being as tired as me there's not much else to do. Child 2 is perfecting her dog dancing act for Britain s got talent next year, I'm glad shes got a while because the dog won't listen to a word she says. And I've started watching the Apprentice in bed this week, while eating bowls of various bad for you snacks, if em your reading Alan Sugar i had a brilliant idea for a Mobile phone application last night............. You text a scenario to your phone like any of the above and the app texts you back an appropriate swear word!!!! Genius.............
Get me on the show i say ;0) and also to the guys who write the sitcom outnumbered, I'm actually living it! I don't need to make it up.
So if you need any ideas just read my blog (Erm its copyrighted so don't nick my true life downfalls we can negotiate a good deal. I'll do anything for 3 packets of Jammie dodgers and pickled onion monster munch at the moment ;0) I also have a Christmas special coming up, i don't know whats going to happen yet but it will be a true disaster I'm sure (just read back to child 2's birth) blogged in January. That will give you some idea. :0/
Anyway enough of my talking to imaginary people who will never read this bollocks, i have to go get in my car and go get a Macci dees im flimmin starving.
Until next time Campas xxxxxxxxxx
A small explosion is happening! Total viewers as to may 9th at 5.43 pm is 'One Thousand Three Hundred and 89' OMFG you can't all be counsellors, psychiatrists, social services The Rspca, stalkers and weirdos, surely some of you must be normal, i mean on a percentage basis?
Anyway i thought id make a start now in between eating, crying, throwing up and sleeping, yes thanks boy 40 you've turned me in to an emotional, fat, tired, sick machine (and he's supposed to love me!) Being pregnant is pants and now i know exactly why i left so many years in between child 1, 2 and 3.
Most days i feel like the Terminator PMT has nothing on this and when I'm not so flimmin tired i will write another Guide. A guide to surviving pregnancy, or a 'Daddys' guide to surviving pregnancy........... I will soon have enough pull out guides to have my own stand in G.Ps surgery's.
Last weeks blogget concentrated mainly on my evil Goblins and my crap holiday. Well they are still there and their first job this week was to kill 2 of my goldfish :0(
I was carefully popping them down the Heaven Du toilet, when to my horror child 3 walked in the room. 'Mum what are you doing?' 'erm well I'm letting the old fishes swim off down the toilet because the water goes directly to the sea where they get transported buy a flying golden boat to heaven! (quick thinking hey?)
' What do you mean mum them was new fishes, we only got them a little while ago' .........i managed to persuade her that they must have been old men fish when we bought them, alas this is not the only fish death this year, :0( poor old googley eyes sadly departed not long before the new ones arrived, there was only so many times he could jump out of that bowl :0(
Child 3 was then very interested in this heavenly process and watched. They magically whizzed around and around as they departed down the toilet to the after world. She was sure she saw stars and fairy dust, i think that was just the remains of the duck toilet bomb i had deposited down it the day before.
'So then mum' she said holding one of the cats, 'erm so when the cats die do we stick them down there too? ' Frankly nothing would give me more pleasure i thought, but explained that we would need a very big plunger and possibly a stick. (I'M ONLY JOKING RSPCA) Child 3 took the cat away very quickly, she was laughing as she went by the way, just in case social services are reading too ;0)
Actually though Asbo cat really needs to learn about cat personal safety before something happens to her. I spent quarter of an hour trying to park my car the other day, she drives me nuts!!! When i arrive home she is there. Every time! she must have some freaky 6th sense or something. I need to park in my space its the only space i have, so firstly as i pull in she will come up to the car and do that rubby head thing on the front wheels, then as i try to manoeuvre she will roll around behind the back wheels, Then proceed to sit her small hairy ass right in the middle of the space. Grrrrrrrrr The only thing i can do then is get out and put her in the car, em only on this particular unfortunate day the escape windows were open, the escape electric windows :0(......... it was a very close call. Quick thinking or not as it turned out, i tried to shut up that window before she jumped out..........she had the same idea, lucky for her she was the quickest :0/ and then the whole sorry process started again, ............ That day i parked my car on the road , may be i should get that cat psychiatrist in after all i wonder if he saw Graham about her poo problem he would see Asbo for free?
It seems that this week is mostly concentrated on Animals, The Dyson animal was the next disaster, At the moment I'm more tired than a dead mouse with narcolepsy.
I don't need that stupid hoover to go wrong, but as the evil ones are obviously still out to get me they sabotaged that as well. I was so angry, after messing about with it for 20 minutes, i posted on twitter, "I hate my Dyson Animal it wont even suck up a feather never mind a flimmin animal." i also made some comment about it not sucking up an elephant......... 2 seconds later the official Dyson help website replied saying they were sorry that my machine had lost suction!!!!! :0( I was slightly embarrassed by this and was worried that trying to suck up elephants would affect my warranty :0/ .............. They advised me to wash the filters, i did this and it still wouldn't suck up elephants, i mean anything. So i then proceeded to unscrew the entire god awful machine in search of a blockage. Following some banging, poking, kicking and much violence i put it back together again, and by some miracle it worked :0/ Please don't tell boy 40 i did that though he won't like it :0/
The next furry animal disaster was the day child 3 covered herself from head to toe in Biro, apparently she was disguising herself as the Gruffalo ??, this was all very well but it was 8.00pm on Sunday evening the chances of a Gruffalo turning up at school on Monday morning were very high. .............. it didn't come off, the Gruffalo incident followed another Sunday goblin attack. Never leave your Sunday dinner meat on the side in the kitchen if you have two cats, especially cats as asbotic as mine, Sunday was a very hungry day :0(
I also went hungry on Monday because after 2 hours of preparing a meal, retrieving the boy child from his girlfriends (after boy 40 had waited for him for ages then presumed he was at home) . A massive fly landed right on my plate, this is not agreeable to my situation at the moment because 1. i need to eat hideous amounts of food, and 2. a fly landing on my plate would make me feel very very sick. Beef stroganoff with roasted vegetables and sweet potatoes with an assortment of spring vegetables! 2 flimmin hours it took me and i ended up with a pot noodle :0/ My brain has turned inside out since joining the 'pregnant' club this week i forgot to by car tax, forgot a hospital app with child 2 also left child 2's shoes outside in a tropical rainstorm on a Sunday night and cried because we ran out of coleslaw :0(
I'm not expecting improvement anytime soon either child 3 was accused of skiving on Tuesday because the school were sitting Sat's, although she is a master of trickery she did actually have a temperature and was not well at all, this has now transferred its self to child 2 who currently has a temperature of 39 c and as we know she will be poorly for ages now :0( .............crap.
So that's that really, life at the moment consists of evil goblin's, television, ill people, and hideous amounts of Jammie dodgers. That's not so bad i suppose, i mean the TV and Jammie dodgers bit, i don't normally watch much TV but being as tired as me there's not much else to do. Child 2 is perfecting her dog dancing act for Britain s got talent next year, I'm glad shes got a while because the dog won't listen to a word she says. And I've started watching the Apprentice in bed this week, while eating bowls of various bad for you snacks, if em your reading Alan Sugar i had a brilliant idea for a Mobile phone application last night............. You text a scenario to your phone like any of the above and the app texts you back an appropriate swear word!!!! Genius.............
Get me on the show i say ;0) and also to the guys who write the sitcom outnumbered, I'm actually living it! I don't need to make it up.
So if you need any ideas just read my blog (Erm its copyrighted so don't nick my true life downfalls we can negotiate a good deal. I'll do anything for 3 packets of Jammie dodgers and pickled onion monster munch at the moment ;0) I also have a Christmas special coming up, i don't know whats going to happen yet but it will be a true disaster I'm sure (just read back to child 2's birth) blogged in January. That will give you some idea. :0/
Anyway enough of my talking to imaginary people who will never read this bollocks, i have to go get in my car and go get a Macci dees im flimmin starving.
Until next time Campas xxxxxxxxxx
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