Saturday 26 March 2011

Cowboy builders, Floating houses, Dead pet Lizards and small blue arses

Afternoon, Evening or indeed good morning depending on where you are and of what time of day your boredom has kicked in so you have decided, to track down that crapalisious blog you've been reading for the past few weeks :0)
           This very week Probably two of the biggest things in my life have happened to me and as ' is' life i cannot reveal them, one for legal reasons  and the other because as usual a series of unfortunate events have befallen me and made the 2nd thing a little uncertain. Its all very exciting i think, :0/ and is sure to  come out of my big gob soon,  over the next few weeks or so so ill keep you updated, ill just say omfg it cannot be true............. :0/ Grrrrrrr the night of the power cut.
           This week has also been VERY very boring to be truthful, mainly because of the thing number 2. what has erm happened :0/
 I have quite frankly had more fun being asleep, Insomniac island has only had one visit this week which is highly unusual. I'm not sure really though whats weirder, the island or the sleeping, ill run through a couple of my dreams, just to see if you think i need a shrink.
           OK first one, the real version and not the bridge version i have already released in 420 characters on facebook. :o/
 My friend Sonia and chef extraordinaire is getting married in June so i dreamt as one might of her hen night. The first thing which struck me as abnormal was the fact that Russell brand was driving the limo,  he was driving too fast and i got scared, to attempt to slow him down i poured the gold fishes what were in bowls on the tables all through the slidey window in to his driving area. He didn't seem to think it odd though this strange thing i had done and just ate them.
 We were then in a massive theatre / hotel in the foyer which had a big chandellia hanging from the ceiling, looking back now it was an exact replica of the stair case in Buckingham palace. Robbie Williams was there dressed in a black suit, he smiled at me then disappeared in to thin air, the next thing i was sat on a bench with Cherie Blair, (in swindon of all places) she wanted some artists impressions of her new extension. Opposite us over the road were marching Brownies following a brass band, following them were all of Sonia's wedding guests.
             All of a sudden someone fired a massive toad in to the air, someone else then blasted it out of the sky sending toad explosion and guts and splattery stuff all over the windscreen of my car (which the bench had just turned in to) Cherie was horrified i don't mind saying and i didn't know where to put myself :0/
             That was dream one random enough you may think.
 Dream 2 was off of Tuesday I live in a new house although there are very many cowboy builder problems with it. The kitchen cupboard (which was full) fell off of the wall, all of the bathrooms leaked through the ceilings, the stair wall fell in half. Its so on the piss that You can stick your foot through the gap under my studio door but when the doors opened its flush to the floor.
There are big cracks everywhere, the porch roof had to be replaced because it had massive holes in it, the floor tiles are cracked in the bathroom, there was a small crack in the bath, the sink has damage from a hammer wots been dropped in it, there are bits of skirting board missing, paint missing,( this ain't the dream btw ) all the floor boards creak there is a lump in the bedroom carpet, my bedroom window hasn't be fitted properly, there are gaping holes behind the sink and the patio was grouted with what seems to be tooth paste, a roof tile has fell off, and the leads fell off of the bin store roof, and next doors drain has collapsed and her drive way is caving in all thanks to our 'new' houses oh yeah and the 20ft bank behind it is crumbling  !!! :0/ .............omfg i told you things just happen to me :0(
         Hey  I've just realised why I've had this dream i don't need a shrink, in fact the dreams not as bad as the reality may be i just need some Valium :0(
Ill tell you the dream anyway because there are aspects of it of what i cannot explain
 I can though explain the flood i think this comes from when i flooded my last house, it was erm brand new and i wrecked it (all 3 floors) completely. :0( Iindustrial dryers were situated in the downstairs for 8 weeks water cascaded down inside the walls at tremendous speed, i was outside flapping about in my wet socks asking for help in thestreet like a crazed penguin anyway ill tell you about that little baby another day :0(
         I was in my house which was situated next to the river, i dream of this river a lot. Ive never seen it before and have no idea where it really is. Then the house started to shake and rumble all the kids were all home  so i called them upstairs, an odd decision. I feel now that to have left the house would have been a safer option. The rumbles got worse this was when half of the house just fell off and floated down the river in a torrentt of white water, it was taken off  far away and down a  sideways waterfall,
 As dreams  typically go it was very quickly the next day and i unfortunately only had half a house left in what to live, my dad was there and tutted about the fact that i had half a house and Said ' i told you not to buy a house from that man! never trust a man who wears green shoes'. :0(  (i have no recollection of any man ever wearing green shoes)
I made him a cup of tea and said yeah sorry  bout that Dad. I tried to make out that this was a normal thing what had happened but did say that we would have to drink it in the bathroom because the kitchen had fell off :0(
       He didn't seem to mind to much but noticed how loud the water was, i said i presumed it was because i had no walls and he agreed, then he went. He pootled off in his car to pick up my mum who was at a new supermarket called Awvardo?? (don't ask me wtf that means but apparently they sold good bread with low cholesterol in it)
       That afternoon the house began to shudder again and crashed down in to a two story, the ground floor was now right underneath the water, Graham was missing but i was still angry about some killings she'd done that day so thought id look for her later, this was when the house started shaking again we all held on to the Bannister's and i was scared.
 Because most of the house was now under water the river level was massive, and had flooded the train track. from the top window i could see a long train coming (the London train which passes my house 4 times a day). to my horror it disappeared under the flooded river for a few minutes before it came  back out of the other side. :0(
 Then the house simply broke off and floated down the river resembling a clumsy kayak, As we all cascaded further and further down some floating terracotta barges appeared with primroses on them i stuffed the kids through the windows and on to them so they would be safe.
The house went faster and faster with me in it smacking in to all sorts of stuff, it then transmogrified itself in to a canal Barge and crashed in to the end of the river, which is weird because i didn't think that rivers just ended like that, then a policeman knocked upon my window and said ' Have you got any idea what you have done??, you are in serious trouble!!' he then asked to see my train drivers licence, i tried to protest because of course i don't have one, why would i need one? but then i looked down and the transmogrified house barge was now an actual train , and no i didn't have a licence and so was arrested. 
Then my Mr Blue sky alarm clock woke me up so i don't know if I've been sentenced yet or anything, I tried to status update with that dream on Wednesday but had problems fitting it in to 420 characters. i would just like to say though facebookers that the London trains are all running fine as usual......... god arn't other peoples dreams boring? sorry about that.
        Ive been very tired all week and went to bed about 8pm Thursday night. Boy 40 had fallen asleep putting the small person to bed, When he falls asleep a nuclear bomb would not awaken him, he's slept through 3 baby's,  police helicopters thunder storms, house alarms and even a small earth quake so he was fast fast asleep, dead to the world.
 I knew he was missing from the bed when i went to sleep and so think that this must have been on my mind.
          At around 11pm i was VERY rudely awoken by boy 40's sheer horrified terror, WHOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHH he screamed out at a hundred million decibels sitting bolt upright whilst jumping out of his skin, I very nearly had a heart attack and woke up immediately, and also screamed. The trouble was it was 'me' he was screaming at!! i have this sleep walking habit, and was just standing in front of him just staring at him like some kind of apparition, so there we were, both screaming at each other in the middle of the night, Small person number 3 was woken up fro a split second, Boy 40 was sat up pale as you like holding his chest, i realised although confused at this point what i had done, and so sheepishly went and got back in to my bed and went to sleep,
         I told you i need a fly on the wall documentary that would have been classic viewing and surely would have earned me 250 quid on you've been framed.. I once woke up in the kitchen and often find myself running about the house looking for pets which i have imaginary lost.
         I think i will leave my night time behaviour there as i wouldn't want you to think I'm weird. 
Other markable events this week include the day i dyed child 3 blue, not intentionally, i mean who would have thought a pair of innocent jeans from primarni would turn your child in to an avatar? she did however love being this colour and refused to have a bath, so she went to bed with chubby blue legs and a blue bottom :0/
        Television this week revealed a lady who put the ashes of her beloved dead cat in to a 'build a bear' bear, you know the toy bears you make yourself at the shop, you stuff it with stuffing and buy hideously expensive clothes for them. Unfortunately child 3 also saw this program and proceeded to unstuff her £20 build a bear to see if it contained any dead animals :0/
Talking of dead animals Graham the killer cat has been at it again, i was happily painting a unicorn for my African art exhibition (since i painted the white tigers wot don't live in Africa its kind of lost its way) but anyway I'm trying.
         Graham brought to me half of a lizard, i thought it was one of child 3's rubbery lizard toys so took not much notice at first, then i took a closer look and the poor little fella was still alive, just.
          I have to be very brave on this day because shazza off of next door my rescuer of anything mank was at work. I picked him up and got an old lunch box, filled it with rocks n stuff lizards like and popped him in it, the trouble was it was at this point i noticed its rather long tail on the floor downstairs :0/
           It wasn't long before i knew he would not survive, he opened his big lizard mouth twice, just like the fish did before he died, and then he was gone :0( grrrrrrrrrrrr that bloody cat. If that wasn't bad enough child 3 then wanted to keep it for a pet, she carried it about for a few hours before deciding a funeral was its best option :0/
           Anyway that was it not many things like i said have happened to me this week, only in my sleep
Back to normal next week i expect.
I have to go now because i have just heard a faint whistle which has reminded me of the SOS call from the ship Titanic and boy 40 is having a big bonfire at the top of the garden :0/

Toodlepip

Sunday 20 March 2011

Im just glad i survived :0/ ' Yet Another series of unfortunate events' :0/

Greetings, Gday, Howdie, Bonjour, Hola, Chaw etc etc !!!
 I come with news today of well over 600 secret followers on the stats! good lord you'd never think bollocks like this would be so popular!!
I was er thinking though that it may be just a lot of university psychology students doing case studies. :0/ Or social services or indeed the rspca. who knows or dares to dream!!
I am though happy this week to still be alive.
          I was very tired on Monday morning which tends to make my normal scatty disposition a lot worse. You see my boy who has never done anything  ' wey '  in his life, went to a rock concert on Sunday night!!. well i say rock concert but apparently its called Gypsy funk or something or other i dunno, kinda like the pogues lots of instruments, many musicians and lots of sweaty 'jumpy' dancing.
           I get very tired at night, (its all the stress) so i forced myself awake in my bed from 9.30PM onwards. He's never out beyond 8.15pm so by 11.30pm i was slightly concerned so i txt him. 'Where are you boy child of mine ?'  were the words i used, the response was a little out of character, 'OH MY GOD That was the best gig of my life, i have bruised ribs from dancing and I'm really hungry', Child 1 is so laid back he never really gets excited by anything. So  I was a little shocked by this proclamation about the best thing in his life which had just happened, he's never said anything like that before, even when father Christmas brought him a brand new wii when they first came out. I presumed he'd been drinking , or worse. Also hes never hungry!!  My god i must feed this new hungry teenager of mine i thought, so i dragged my sorry tired self out of bed at 11.45 pm and cooked said boy child a meal.
         He rolls in at gone 12 with talk of crowd surfers, mosh pits and extreme dancing of the crowd. with Gypsy types giving him bruised ribs, he could also hear nothing as his ears were still ringing with the musical extravaganza  what he had just witnessed.
        When i was his age i have to say i probably would have downed a mixture of booze wot i nicked out of my parents drinks cabinet on a night like this and put in to a lemonade bottle. But I'm glad to say there was not a whiff of booze or anything dodgy going on at all, not a wobble in sight, as intelligent as ever. I once threw up cider over the cat and got a Right rollicking I once fell out of bed rolled across my carpet and chucked up in the waste paper bin, it took a very long time to persuade my little sister not to go and get my mum. I was at it all the time mainly with Fizzer my trusty follower number 3.
         Anyway this is why i was tired, boy child went a bit wey, not as wey as what i woulda done but he is showing me almost every day that may be  i was just a bad ass teenager. :0/
           I went to bed at around 1 Am but spent the rest of the night on insomniac island.
I just got up at 6.30am and started doing stuff, whats the point in laying in bed when there's cat shit to clean up? By 9.00 am i was kind of hanging, and in need of a few match sticks, small person number 2 was poorly and so off of school for the second week.
          Rabbits & Guinea pigs fed i started cleaning the kitchen whilst putting some crumpets in the toaster for said ill person. Oh yeah that was really clever, wet hands and a plug wot the back has fell off :0(  exposed wires  and water do not mix well. I found this out when i whacked in the plug and nearly blew myself to kingdom come, I'm glad  i live in a new house with a good trip switch otherwise i am sure i would still be there now (frying) it hurt a lot and took me clean off the ground.
How do i get myself in to these messes all by myself with just one head? i would have liked to see a video of this and am seriously considering doing a fly on the wall documentary about myself, Just to reassure me that this is my real life and I'm not just making it up, it will be  called something like. 'Monday goblins attack scatty twat twat every single day'
I had thoughts of child number 2 coming in to the kitchen just to find two shmoking shoes and no me. :0(  and to make things worse,  i stumbled about a little, with a wtf just happened kind of expression on my face, this was when i stepped in the cat poo :0/  Imagine having the shock of your life in your own kitchen when you are quietly minding your own business, then you step in shit and skid across the floor. Its really not acceptable.
       Why the hell does she do it? Graham that is, she will not poo in the litter tray, at this moment in time i hated her and i hated that toaster ... a lot. Its bad enough being electrocuted on a Monday morning but now i smelt bad too AND i was wearing my favorite cupcake socks. :0( well thats all i have to say about that.
          After being difibulated i spend the day actually throwing up, I broke the Dyson Animal, (hoover number 9 in our relationship) don't ask me how hoovers just Hate me. Boy 40 once bought me a Henry hoover purposely so i wouldn't kick it's smiley face, i  blew that up and took 9 houses with it, :0( ( erm that was an unfortunate year) but ill tell you about that another day, when i don;'t have more pressing matters on my mind :0/
        Child 2 was getting worse her breathing was terrible and so we had to take a trip to the doctors. I'm still very tired at this time and really have no energy, docs done and off to the pharmacy for a big whack of steroids, small person 2 needs a pushchair now as breathing  capacity is not good. That's OK i have one for said emergency's in the boot, i open the boot and where some fool 'my husband' has broken the parcel shelf the boot decides to do a kind of backward catapult and smacks me on the head.
Now I'm tired my hand hurts I'm still jumping occasionally like i have a nervous tic, i have a bloody headache and can still smell the faint whiff of cats shit :0(
By now i think its probably safer to just go home, its only Monday and i seem to have enough material to write a sitcom, steroids done picked up the boy child drove home very carefully and firmly locked the door when i got inside.
         Tuesday i have to say was a little better but only because i didn't nearly kill myself......
 However many other things did get killed upon this day, ill start at the beginning so not to confuse.
I had to take Graham to the vets to have her stitches out from when she was spade,. The vet luckily did the correct operation after looking for a pair of furry gonads the previous week when i booked her in.
I think the name threw him a little. And i thought him a little sexiest when He asked why she was called Graham.  I told him its because she's Grey, he just raised his eyebrows :0/ But anyway whilst i was there i thought i would ask what i could do about the poo situation.
        Every morning she does it .......... on the floor, she even looks straight at me and does it, she then kicks up imaginary dirt to cover it up, i feel like getting an imaginary gun and imaginary shooting her, afterwards i would imaginary feel very happy.
        The vet asked lots of questions wot i answered and it appears I've done everything he can think of to stop it, apart from getting a cork. So he has referred her to  an Animal 'Behavoiural Psychologist ???' what ?? how embarrassing is that?  Asbo cat, Grahams unfortunate mother already has 'DO NOT RESTRAIN' all over her notes in red pen at the vets. Ive tried to bring up my pets with morals and in the best way i can and look how they treat me :0(   i feel like the mother of a bad ass child wots gone wrong :0(
          Later that day i wished again for another imaginary weapon. Upon entering my kitchen i see Graham who has now taken over her mothers talent for Evilness and is displaying worse Asbotic tendencies.
There she was looking at me with a dead bird in front of her, feathers everywhere. I mean everywhere she must have dragged it and shook it all around.     
Some people say they are bringing you them as presents, I like presents but not dead ones :0/ luckily shazza off of next door had just popped in, and also saw the sight before me, its a good Job she knows me well and kinda thought 'yes this would happen in this particular kitchen' 
She was my saviour and dust panned and brushed it all up, she didn't even need asking she just saw the pathetic pwincess look on my face, which is there a lot!!
         I called super Shazza around again at 4 pm because graham thought she'd go out killin for the second time that day, this time she brought in a mouse, lucky for me its head was still on. I still do not know the whereabouts of the mouses body from last week, i guess i just need to look out for the flies :0(
         Wednesday was enthralling..... not, if nothing happens here in my house nothing happens at all, apart from the village got a new post box !! oh yes a new shiny red post box. It was admired by many but that's really the only thing that happened in this sleepy place today. I'm glad to say that steroid action was working well, small person 2 was on the 3rd day of them and was perking up nicely.
       I did however make a big faux par of the painting kind shall we call it on this day.
 I'm taking part in an exhibition with 4 other fantastic artists from my area (god only knows why they asked me to be in on it) Anyway its called 'Another Continant' and is all about Africa. So  as I've not worked in ages i thought id best make the effort. I got some canvas 3ft by 2ft and proceeded to paint a beautiful African sunset, mountains, and a plain in front where lots of animals will be. All very lovely so you may think. I thought so too but then did the most stupid thing i think i have ever done. I spent 2 and a half hours painting some lovely white tigers??? wot? White tigers live nowhere near bloody Africa. Well I'm not taking them out so i need to think up a bloody clever name for it and quick sharp :0/ ......... Although if a painting is a reflection of the artist no one will be that surprised.
         Thursday My little lady was feeling better we decided to go down to the PGL holiday place to meet up with the rest of her class mates for the day. She was supposed to be there for the week, but as usual she had a bad chest and couldn't go, she has missed every Christmas party ever, pantomimes holidays you name it shes missed it so i was determined on this day that she would join her Friends and whether or not she could do what they were doing at least she  wouldn't be missing out again.
         I erm knew roughly where it was but got the postcode wrong so the 'twat nav' took me somewhere different, I sent an angry text to my boy 40 all about it (he gets lots of these) Eventually i spoke to the head teacher 'again' who finally got me there, although i drove in the wrong way and drove down a bridle way :0/
It was ok though no horses were out in the cold dank rain what was off this day.
         Small person number 2 was then ferried about by land rover all day like a little princess and it was smashing, she made fire in the woods (to the horror of child 3 who would love to make fire :0/ .....anywhere ) She went canooing and then climbed a tower the size of a 2 storey house and jumped off!!!!! i still cannot believe she did it ill never forget that day as Long as i live. The only thing was i videoed it all sideways grrrr. we got lost on the way home and then child 2 slept for nearly 2 days because she was so tired, but anyway that was my best thursday ever. Small person of the 3rd kind also had a tooth fall out and was visited by the tooth fairy this day, (which was quite amazing as she usually f***s up somewhere)
But was child 3 pleased?? apparently not. Can you believe the coin did not have a picture of the palace on the back??? wot kind of tooth fairy is she?? how dare she leave a pound coin with only leaves engraved on the back!!! Im slightly worried though about how big child 3's front teeth are going to be, her top gums have widened at least 4 teeth spaces :0( my family is erm quite well known for having good teeth, some would say teeth of the bee gees big and white, but these babies i think could be bigger :0(
        Well that was it campas apart from  the Argos fiasco, don't ever reserve an item the last item and forget your reservation number because......... they won't give it to you :0(
 Oh and don't ever think it will be ok to take the cat to the vet without a cat box :0/
Don't ever presume child 3 is being good if she is quiet, she could well be outside with a hammer and chisel taking all of the render off of your wall and spreading it all over your neighbours drive ........ again.
And always remember these sorts of things only happen to me so please do not try them at home :0/

P.S please do not tell my other half i have broken the Dyson :0/
  

Sunday 13 March 2011

The River The power cut, Census my arse and the decapitated mouses head :0/

Good evening 505 people on the stats!!!
That's how many visits this shite blog has had believe it or not! I'm not sure where from or who is looking or of what mental state they are in, but  hey who am i to be nosey? (or indeed picky) , and to be honest I'm kinda grateful  its good therapy to share my life :0/
I didn't think id have much material this week to be truthful i mean Saturday was eventful, i went to 'that' Small town where things just happen to me again, (the chocolate fountain incident, the bank palaver, the shoe shop ) you know the one.
        We all went together, erm on our bikes that in itself was a recipe for disaster.
Things were OK until the dog arrived (we have to do separate vehicles to fit all the bikes in)
She was excited ill give her that but not as exited as the other dog we met upon the way! :0/ i can only describe what happened as a shagattack, all though that sounds a little fierce, the other dog was only the size of a rat my girl dog being so dopey was just flabbergasted by the incident, I mean god where the hell do you put your face??? I just kept peddling, fast! trying hard to avoid any unwanted questions.
That was until child number 2 skidded along the cycle track and in to a small river.  Leaving her Soaking wet head to foot.
If anyone knows child 2 this is not an agreeable situation, you see child 2 if you don't know comes with a set of rules, you know like in Gremlins. You cant get her wet, you cant get her cold and it is true you cannot feed her  after midnight.
Anyway the dastardly deed had happened and she was not best pleased . ( neither was i) we managed to pull her from said small river but she was covered in mud and soaked to the bones, fair play to her and her chest problems we were about 2 miles away from the car, and that's good :0) An achievement to be proud of  but obviously not today, now  that she was of muddy wet cold filthy attire :0/
 We got home eventually. where she had a nice hot bubble bath followed by hot chocolate and fluffy dressing gown, slippers and a small reasurrence talk on the question of (why do things just happen to me mum?) 
Of course i had no answer to that really as its obviously hereditary.
          Well  this was the beginning of my shit week. Small person number 2 became unwell and so i have been stuck at home all week doing chest physio making up antibiotics and trying to maker her better,. I gave up work for lent though so that relieved a bit of the pressure.
         Myself and my significant other do not get out much these days without the sprogolites and so on this very Saturday night we had booked nanny and grampy to babysit so we could go to a local restaurant and have a romantic meal,  courtesy of some very lovely friends who kindly paid the bill as a birthday present to my 'boy 40'.
       It was raining that night and quite stormy, I'm not sure what happened but it was getting quite late, the small people were at Nanny's and so we embarked on the said journey to the restaurant with not much time to spare.
Bombing along the common boy 40 is moaning as apparently my right pisser was not working and the windscreen was filthy :0( then i felt down by my foot as we reached said place and parked up , 'Pants' there right there was Small person 2's Asthma inhaler. ........... We started up the car.... fec.
The Right pisser decided to work which was good now as boy 40 was driving very fast along country lanes and cow fields, (they weren't actual fields) but may as well have been by the amount of mud splashed up my car. Deed done we bomb back to said place to find that there are now no spaces in the car park.. fec.
       Boy 40 was really hungry now and if you have ever met a well fed son of a farmer who's hungry you will know that you have to feed him quite quickly to avoid possible fainting. :0/
        'YOU CANT LEAVE TRIXYBELL THERE!!!!  i shout over as he's running in to the pub out of the rain. ' That car is not a girl for the last time' he replied as i slip and fall in through the open door.  I didn't really care of my unfortunate entrance as everyone looked sympathetic and that's kinda what i needed now, and wine of course bloody well lots of it.
       He had though just left 'my' car on double yellow lines opposite the place, and was of the opinion that 'any traffic warden out on a flimmin whithering heights night like this in the dark deserved to make a bit of cash' :0(
He was joking but that would happen to me :0/ after 2 glasses of wine i didn't really care anymore just as we gave the order to the waitress the lights went out!!!!!!!!!! you couldn't make this up could you? It was the wind apparently :0( it didn't matter we were happy enough by candle light talking all about our shit day!
     Power cut over The meal was really lovely and it ended up a splendifoirus night we went down the local after and skipped home about midnight.
      The week was all a bit boring really my Kylie ass has only made it to the gym once, We ate yellow kerplunk straws with our spaghetti bolognase (again) courtesy of child 3 who regularly puts them in the spaghetti jar, one day i will learn.
       Wednesday Graham the cat was playing with a new toy  a piece of potpourri out of the bowl, or so i thought, she was having a lovely time playing football with it all around the downstairs for about half an hour. it wasn't until i took a closer look that i realised it was in fact a mouses head!!!!!!!! omfg.
        As you can imagine child  2 was screaming her head off standing on the sofa child 3 though was very interested in doing experiments on it and was taking a good old look :0/ and daddy was not home, boy child was also out,  i didn't know what to do what do you do?, i cant pull of the head of a prawn i certainly cannot pick up decapitated mouses head :0(, AND there is unbelievably no number to call for these kind of emergency's.
        We evacuated.
        All was well we were safely in my bedroom watching TV the head was far away, then i suddenly thought 'shit' if the heads in my front room where the hell is the body :0/ ............. I still don't know whwere it is and its scaring the crap out of me.
         I planted some primroses the next day to make me feel a bit more cheerful, small person 3 came home from school and was delighted that these flowers had grown since she left that morning, I'm not gonna tell her the truth, she still thinks that fairy's live up in our woods too :0)
        That night small person 3 was marching about the house singing if i had a hammer (very loud)  i wondered what id do if ('i ' had a hammer) .........this kind of turned in to a christian sing song. After that it was walk in the light of the lord, sing Hosanna, & keep me travelling along with you, fair play to child 3 she knows how to start a party she now had daddy and child 2 in a circle all doing cum by ya and a great rendition of my sweet lord on the living room rug with a tambourine.
 I made my sharp exit at this time and went to pick up boy child. Who incidentally has had his module year 11 results : chemistry 95% A* Physics 93% A* and biology 100% A*  ........... get in!!! I'm er currently looking for sponsors for university btw ;0)
        And that's basically it apart from the day the census arrived. well excuse me you bunch of nosey gits what makes you think i have time to fill that in? no one normally wants to listen to what i have to say (part from 550 people on the stats ) ;0) (get in .. again) ,
 How much money is that pile o crap going to cost us??
        Boy 40 says ill go to prison if i don't fill it in, well bloody well send me there then, least i ll get free food, i bit of a rest and usage of a free gym, my Kylie ass will be well fit!!.
        When David Cameron or Nick Clegg feel like replying to my political protest (what was up on a bill board in the center of London for 2 weeks last year) (picked i was ;0) to do that !!
       Anyway when they feel like they have the time to listen to me and all my points raised  and they can tell me why being self employed is so crap and why they don't give a crap that the building industry contractors are now earning less than 50% of what they were 3 years ago etc etc etc,  'Then' i will fill in your bollocksy census, thank you very much!
So lets end on that bollocksy note, said artwork attached for your viewing.

Happy Sunday to you campas have a smashing week, i have to go now because the smoke alarm is going off and i fear i have ruined dinner :0/

P.s this is Monday and this is for fizzer follower number 3. Chatting today she reveals that this particular blog was not as full as she had expected, that's fine fizzer don't worry i can talk bollocks for hours, of course i cant tell anyone yet about my near death experience today with the toaster, or of my (angelic genius) boy child's new rock chick antics of last night, i cannot either tell you about the cat poo on my sock, the banana i threw up or the fact that i messed up big style in Argos by reserving the last product and forgetting the reservation number. :0/ grrrrrrrr 
        I cannot tell you either about how i have wrecked my new Dyson animal (and i cant tell that to Mr Me either) he'll go flimmin bonkers as I've only had it a few months :0/ Hoover number 9 in our relationship :0(
       I am gladly just about to embark on a Dr's visit , not glad that is that i have to take small person 2 to the doctor again because she has a large snot fest happening in her lungs, no because that's just doing my head in now. But glad because of the electrocution incident, (what i cant tell you about yet) off of this morning :0/
       Fec it nearly blew me to kingdom come (excuse my french) Lets say I'm having some after shocks wot are not pleasant, this may be my last blog in fact :0(   Don't all cheer you will never read bollocks like this ever again in your life.
       It appears that i have said the word bollocks far too much in this blog and for that i can only apologise. It could be the PMT? i don't know, it often gives me the swearing terets, ( ill check my pmt guide later and look for the symptoms)
My friend Sarah once got in to my car with a swear box wot she had kindly made me. i clocked up £250 just driving to Tescos. Yes i am ashamed of that and Mr Me says its very unlady like to swear, it is i agree but he's the first to laugh when a big bollocky rollocky  swear word leaves my mouth what is twenty words long.
Anyway hope you like the add on fizzer  it didn't really tell you much you didn't know already as i only spoke to you an hour ago ;0) least I've gotton a good preview in for next weeks blog (and its only monday).............. if I'm still here of course.

Toodle pip
505 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! get in ...............

Friday 4 March 2011

The stress the balloons and Aphrodite's chocolate fountain

Greetings
 I write today with feelings of relief, slight embarrassment and a small headache which has been there since last Saturday :0/
I don't mind admitting that I've spent the best part of a small fortune organising the biggest party of my significant others life! its been baked beens for months to save up, i have spent months ironing out the fine details of this event, i have run about like a mad fly collecting this n that for said fantabalous evening.
          I shall back track for the moment to give you a feel of what its actually like to put on an occasion of this kind, (with 2 kids and a teenager in tow)
         So its a week to go i need to order balloons, catch up with Disco Dave who apparently has gone awol, i need cake candles, i need to make table dec's, i need to buy actual birthday presents, i need to make sure i have enough cash to pay everyone on the night and amongst all this i need to meet granny P for lunch because its half term. and its just a thang we always do.
        I used my time well and popped off to the nearest city Monday morning with my credit card, it does not take long to start spending money .....erm on myself,
I cant help it i seem to have an addiction to shiny things, may be i was a magpie in a previous life i don't know.
Full of disastrous bones inside me i knocked off many clothes from rails, tripped over in to a lady trying to reach a very nice man bag from up high in Debenhams  and made a nuisance of my self on the escalator. I did though Have a very nice young man try on a few jackets for me, with the said man bags, I'm not sure what my mum thought of that she had a strange embarrassed look upon her face, but i think the total stranger enjoyed being my model for this short while.
 I managed to purchase many items although child person number 3 was getting bored by this time, i could tell this by the way she was sat inside the sale rail amongst the shirts picking her nose, of course as usual when children get bored they tend to make enemy's. Although to be fair this guy she was homing in on was acting kinda weird. She mouthed to me ( rather loudly) that he was either a terrorist  or a shop lifter  indeed he could have been, but it turns out he was the security guard,  she stared at him and he stared at her, in the end she decided he was probably  a terrorist and so climbed out of the clothes (he was pretending to buy) and hid in my mums skirt, bogeys and all. I decided at this time it was probably best to break for lunch.
        We went upstairs to the restaurant bit, restaurant my Arse you had to serve yourself, i couldn't for the life of me work out the coffee machine, i watched other people do it and made a prat of myself on about 4 occasions, me of little intelligence just gave up and had some of small persons orange juice.
        Tuesday was boring i needed to work, i mainly painted a frog.
        Wednesday was eventful, firstly i needed to chase up all of the people i had forgotten to invite to the said party,
Because its been such a big secret I've been hiding hideous amounts of things all over the place, the downfall being about 3 invitations in my knicker draw which did not reach their destinations :0(  2 on the floor in the car and one screwed up one underneath my drawing board.
Things were also getting very scary now in the disco department, Disco Dave wanted a play list so i emailed him one, he was not to reply until the Friday leaving me having kittens that the disco would not be there at all, table decorations needed making Balloons needed buying and inflating and the presents needed wrapping, so what did i do??? i went out for lunch with Granny P. This was all well and good we went to a nice restaurant in 'that' small town where things just happen to me, and they em did , happen to me that is 'again'
        Never ever, let me warn you now, give a child a bowl of chocolate ice cream and then a chocolate milkshake after their lunch. It just doesn't work :0/ Yes thank you very much. Small person number 3 sat in front of me and started looking a little green as she sucked up chocolate stuff through a straw,
 ' Erm do you think you should leave that for a bit??' I said knowing what was about to happen. 'Um yerse mum i don't think i feel very well!' I am by this time beginning to sweat and am actually praying inside my head 'please don't be sick, this place is packed and the volume inside your small belly is massive ' :0/  ...... Attempting to make a sharp exit was possibly not the best idea at this time as the chocolate fountain was about to erupt,
And errupt it did all over everyone who was unfortunate enough to be in the way. I kinda rambled embarrassed apologies to the staff and their customers and left that place quick sharp with chocolate girl and the rest of the family running behind. I did not look back and made my get away very fast in the car. :0(
       Thursday was no better. This was the day for going to the bank, the card shop and the balloon shop. My car has been making a terrible claterry noises what were  mainly coming from the engine, :0( I was banned from driving it until the oil was checked.
Giving me much displeasure i had to check my own oil!!!! grrrrrrr
      Worse was the fact that it had none in it at all, this meant that 'i' had to, i , me pwincess of my village had to put oil in my own car. How am i supposed to know what engine oil to buy? and indeed where to put it. The last time i had to do that sort of thing was when i was about 20 and had the crappiest car in the universe, it went five miles on 6 pints of water and had no brakes most of the time. That was a long time ago when i was happy to get greasy under a bonnet, since then i have rather ignored these things and they have all been fixed by magic.
     After much confusion me and small person of the biggest kind paid £36.00 for some oil, i then managed to spill it all over the engine which worried me immensely, i had to drive 20 miles what if it ignited and we all spontaneously combusted on the way to the balloon shop??. I was not sure to be honest if the balloons once inflated would even fit in the car, i have visions of tying them to the roof making me look like some kinda clown show :0(  ........so many worries.
The first stop was to be my local town. I needed vast amounts of cash and because this particular building society is so crap i only have a book with what to withdraw this said money.
        So i get there and yes that's flipping fantastic its closed completely closed , the doors opened and i walked in in my stressed state, whats happened to the bank??? i ask this bewildered builder who is refurbishing the place. 'read the sign love' grrrrrrr 'don't you love me i have no time to find another stupid bank of the same kind', don't they know about my secret party? the whole world seemed to not know about my plight and the fine arrangements of the biggest party in my history. I was sure they just closed to piss me off, its happened before, more than once and also under stressful conditions.
        Ok compose yourself i thought it doesn't matter we will think about it later. The card shop was open so yeay that's good. They sell helium balloons there but the balloon shop further away said they'd blow up my normal balloons with the gigantic helium ones too, for cheaper. I buy cards and head off back to the car park grrrr ing at the men in the bank on the way.
       Its getting late by now the kids are starving, i rock up at the balloon shop but spot pizza hut in the corner of my eye, ill take them there for a treat i thought. That didn't work out either, we waited for 20 minutes then they said the Wait would still be another 45 minutes, Crap !! so we left, now its even later, i still have no balloons and no cash.
      Bollocks day part deux was about to unfold, i enter the balloon shop and they tell me kindly that the normal balloons will only stay up for 8 - 10 hours.................... WOT?? the party was over 48 hours away
:0( so i left empty handed, I've NOW wasted my entire day. I refused to do a burger drive through and the kids decide upon chicken and mushroom pot noodles (i don't know whats worse) I do a 2 miles detour to the shop on the way back, walk in and find an empty pot noodle stand (disaster)
     Its getting late now my food shopping was arriving soon and i had to go to 'that' small town again to visit their branch of the bank, Lunch done quick styley i bomb it over the hill. Its peeing down with rain and the small people are moaning (a lot) With fearful feelings of visiting the calamity town again i instruct child 1 and 2 to behave, that worked until we reached the said bank and child 2 walks all over a sheet of perspex of which a builder was about to put in the window, it now has muddy wet foot prints covering it, to be fair it wasn't really child number 2's fault the stupid idiot shouldn't have put it on the floor she thought it was some kind of rug :0( I grab my cash and run.
      Its all really a blur until Saturday, the night of the big event. This day was crucial to the secret which has been kept for months staying that way.
      Shazza off of next door was my hider of billous amounts of balloons and she had also made a fantabalous chocolate cake in the shape of a farm, i had to get these things out of her house without him seeing. Making my excuses i let my self in through her back door, I'm scared witless by now, he was in the kitchen, with laden hands i limbo underneath the kitchen window legging it down the steps to the car as if my life depended on it, Following a very near chocolate cake catastrophe  i made it to the car and zoomed off to the pub, Boy Child and his girlfriend repeated these actions a little later on with the balloons.
        This was it i was now taking small persons 1 and 2 to their Nanny's, which was all part of the big plan. Nervous tum tum aches were now very present.
        It all went very smoothly until i arrived home to get ready and there was he, emptying his wardrobe all over our bedroom, i could not see the carpet and had to make myself beautiful for gods sake i only had 2 hours now. 'WTF' are you doing?? i asked, he was now overwhelmed by the immensity of what he had done, the wardrobe is more like a small room and was stacked out from top to bottom with clothes and general crap what needed sorting, i had secret guests coming this weekend and had spent hours making the house nice, the mess and clutter flowed out of my room and on to the landing like Niagara falls, this was gonna take a week to sort out the chances of it being put back together before guests arrived was a very slim one.
        So i got ready on the landing without a decent mirror, 30 minutes to go hes still sorting through it, i am bricking it inside now how the hell was i to get him down to the pub for 8 o'clock? Small persons 1 2 &3  are already there along with the 90 or so guests who are all arriving fast.
       15 minutes to go and he comes to 'panicking inside' me saying what shall i wear??, he doesn't appear to notice that i look flippin gorgeous and have partyed myself up like never before, He holds up a pair of trousers from 1984 and says what about these??? I was sure in my mind he was winding me up now.
       5 minutes to go and I discover that the front door is broken, by this point i was dying inside the biggest event of my life is on hold down the pub because he has to get the screw drivers out and fix the door :0/
        Eventually (after making the journey quick sharp in 4 inch heals) we reach the pub. He receives massive applause the band play happy birthday and everyone joins in, it was the entrance i had planned and was absolutely fantastic, He had his mouth open in complete disbelief for most of the evening.Disco Dave however only had one mic for the karaoke but that was ok cause it was mostly me singing .......all night!!! :0) ;0) although the music and mic had a time delay so instead of sounding like my normal Kylie self it was a bit crap and i was 'very' disappointed with my performances, Ah well there will be more party's and better singing the next time.
       We all danced sang and drank and left the pub around 1 am, and the rest as they say was history.........