Greetings, Gday, Howdie, Bonjour, Hola, Chaw etc etc !!!
I come with news today of well over 600 secret followers on the stats! good lord you'd never think bollocks like this would be so popular!!
I was er thinking though that it may be just a lot of university psychology students doing case studies. :0/ Or social services or indeed the rspca. who knows or dares to dream!!
I am though happy this week to still be alive.
I was very tired on Monday morning which tends to make my normal scatty disposition a lot worse. You see my boy who has never done anything ' wey ' in his life, went to a rock concert on Sunday night!!. well i say rock concert but apparently its called Gypsy funk or something or other i dunno, kinda like the pogues lots of instruments, many musicians and lots of sweaty 'jumpy' dancing.
I get very tired at night, (its all the stress) so i forced myself awake in my bed from 9.30PM onwards. He's never out beyond 8.15pm so by 11.30pm i was slightly concerned so i txt him. 'Where are you boy child of mine ?' were the words i used, the response was a little out of character, 'OH MY GOD That was the best gig of my life, i have bruised ribs from dancing and I'm really hungry', Child 1 is so laid back he never really gets excited by anything. So I was a little shocked by this proclamation about the best thing in his life which had just happened, he's never said anything like that before, even when father Christmas brought him a brand new wii when they first came out. I presumed he'd been drinking , or worse. Also hes never hungry!! My god i must feed this new hungry teenager of mine i thought, so i dragged my sorry tired self out of bed at 11.45 pm and cooked said boy child a meal.
He rolls in at gone 12 with talk of crowd surfers, mosh pits and extreme dancing of the crowd. with Gypsy types giving him bruised ribs, he could also hear nothing as his ears were still ringing with the musical extravaganza what he had just witnessed.
When i was his age i have to say i probably would have downed a mixture of booze wot i nicked out of my parents drinks cabinet on a night like this and put in to a lemonade bottle. But I'm glad to say there was not a whiff of booze or anything dodgy going on at all, not a wobble in sight, as intelligent as ever. I once threw up cider over the cat and got a Right rollicking I once fell out of bed rolled across my carpet and chucked up in the waste paper bin, it took a very long time to persuade my little sister not to go and get my mum. I was at it all the time mainly with Fizzer my trusty follower number 3.
Anyway this is why i was tired, boy child went a bit wey, not as wey as what i woulda done but he is showing me almost every day that may be i was just a bad ass teenager. :0/
I went to bed at around 1 Am but spent the rest of the night on insomniac island.
I just got up at 6.30am and started doing stuff, whats the point in laying in bed when there's cat shit to clean up? By 9.00 am i was kind of hanging, and in need of a few match sticks, small person number 2 was poorly and so off of school for the second week.
Rabbits & Guinea pigs fed i started cleaning the kitchen whilst putting some crumpets in the toaster for said ill person. Oh yeah that was really clever, wet hands and a plug wot the back has fell off :0( exposed wires and water do not mix well. I found this out when i whacked in the plug and nearly blew myself to kingdom come, I'm glad i live in a new house with a good trip switch otherwise i am sure i would still be there now (frying) it hurt a lot and took me clean off the ground.
How do i get myself in to these messes all by myself with just one head? i would have liked to see a video of this and am seriously considering doing a fly on the wall documentary about myself, Just to reassure me that this is my real life and I'm not just making it up, it will be called something like. 'Monday goblins attack scatty twat twat every single day'
I had thoughts of child number 2 coming in to the kitchen just to find two shmoking shoes and no me. :0( and to make things worse, i stumbled about a little, with a wtf just happened kind of expression on my face, this was when i stepped in the cat poo :0/ Imagine having the shock of your life in your own kitchen when you are quietly minding your own business, then you step in shit and skid across the floor. Its really not acceptable.
Why the hell does she do it? Graham that is, she will not poo in the litter tray, at this moment in time i hated her and i hated that toaster ... a lot. Its bad enough being electrocuted on a Monday morning but now i smelt bad too AND i was wearing my favorite cupcake socks. :0( well thats all i have to say about that.
After being difibulated i spend the day actually throwing up, I broke the Dyson Animal, (hoover number 9 in our relationship) don't ask me how hoovers just Hate me. Boy 40 once bought me a Henry hoover purposely so i wouldn't kick it's smiley face, i blew that up and took 9 houses with it, :0( ( erm that was an unfortunate year) but ill tell you about that another day, when i don;'t have more pressing matters on my mind :0/
Child 2 was getting worse her breathing was terrible and so we had to take a trip to the doctors. I'm still very tired at this time and really have no energy, docs done and off to the pharmacy for a big whack of steroids, small person 2 needs a pushchair now as breathing capacity is not good. That's OK i have one for said emergency's in the boot, i open the boot and where some fool 'my husband' has broken the parcel shelf the boot decides to do a kind of backward catapult and smacks me on the head.
Now I'm tired my hand hurts I'm still jumping occasionally like i have a nervous tic, i have a bloody headache and can still smell the faint whiff of cats shit :0(
By now i think its probably safer to just go home, its only Monday and i seem to have enough material to write a sitcom, steroids done picked up the boy child drove home very carefully and firmly locked the door when i got inside.
Tuesday i have to say was a little better but only because i didn't nearly kill myself......
However many other things did get killed upon this day, ill start at the beginning so not to confuse.
I had to take Graham to the vets to have her stitches out from when she was spade,. The vet luckily did the correct operation after looking for a pair of furry gonads the previous week when i booked her in.
I think the name threw him a little. And i thought him a little sexiest when He asked why she was called Graham. I told him its because she's Grey, he just raised his eyebrows :0/ But anyway whilst i was there i thought i would ask what i could do about the poo situation.
Every morning she does it .......... on the floor, she even looks straight at me and does it, she then kicks up imaginary dirt to cover it up, i feel like getting an imaginary gun and imaginary shooting her, afterwards i would imaginary feel very happy.
The vet asked lots of questions wot i answered and it appears I've done everything he can think of to stop it, apart from getting a cork. So he has referred her to an Animal 'Behavoiural Psychologist ???' what ?? how embarrassing is that? Asbo cat, Grahams unfortunate mother already has 'DO NOT RESTRAIN' all over her notes in red pen at the vets. Ive tried to bring up my pets with morals and in the best way i can and look how they treat me :0( i feel like the mother of a bad ass child wots gone wrong :0(
Later that day i wished again for another imaginary weapon. Upon entering my kitchen i see Graham who has now taken over her mothers talent for Evilness and is displaying worse Asbotic tendencies.
There she was looking at me with a dead bird in front of her, feathers everywhere. I mean everywhere she must have dragged it and shook it all around.
Some people say they are bringing you them as presents, I like presents but not dead ones :0/ luckily shazza off of next door had just popped in, and also saw the sight before me, its a good Job she knows me well and kinda thought 'yes this would happen in this particular kitchen'
She was my saviour and dust panned and brushed it all up, she didn't even need asking she just saw the pathetic pwincess look on my face, which is there a lot!!
I called super Shazza around again at 4 pm because graham thought she'd go out killin for the second time that day, this time she brought in a mouse, lucky for me its head was still on. I still do not know the whereabouts of the mouses body from last week, i guess i just need to look out for the flies :0(
Wednesday was enthralling..... not, if nothing happens here in my house nothing happens at all, apart from the village got a new post box !! oh yes a new shiny red post box. It was admired by many but that's really the only thing that happened in this sleepy place today. I'm glad to say that steroid action was working well, small person 2 was on the 3rd day of them and was perking up nicely.
I did however make a big faux par of the painting kind shall we call it on this day.
I'm taking part in an exhibition with 4 other fantastic artists from my area (god only knows why they asked me to be in on it) Anyway its called 'Another Continant' and is all about Africa. So as I've not worked in ages i thought id best make the effort. I got some canvas 3ft by 2ft and proceeded to paint a beautiful African sunset, mountains, and a plain in front where lots of animals will be. All very lovely so you may think. I thought so too but then did the most stupid thing i think i have ever done. I spent 2 and a half hours painting some lovely white tigers??? wot? White tigers live nowhere near bloody Africa. Well I'm not taking them out so i need to think up a bloody clever name for it and quick sharp :0/ ......... Although if a painting is a reflection of the artist no one will be that surprised.
Thursday My little lady was feeling better we decided to go down to the PGL holiday place to meet up with the rest of her class mates for the day. She was supposed to be there for the week, but as usual she had a bad chest and couldn't go, she has missed every Christmas party ever, pantomimes holidays you name it shes missed it so i was determined on this day that she would join her Friends and whether or not she could do what they were doing at least she wouldn't be missing out again.
I erm knew roughly where it was but got the postcode wrong so the 'twat nav' took me somewhere different, I sent an angry text to my boy 40 all about it (he gets lots of these) Eventually i spoke to the head teacher 'again' who finally got me there, although i drove in the wrong way and drove down a bridle way :0/
It was ok though no horses were out in the cold dank rain what was off this day.
Small person number 2 was then ferried about by land rover all day like a little princess and it was smashing, she made fire in the woods (to the horror of child 3 who would love to make fire :0/ .....anywhere ) She went canooing and then climbed a tower the size of a 2 storey house and jumped off!!!!! i still cannot believe she did it ill never forget that day as Long as i live. The only thing was i videoed it all sideways grrrr. we got lost on the way home and then child 2 slept for nearly 2 days because she was so tired, but anyway that was my best thursday ever. Small person of the 3rd kind also had a tooth fall out and was visited by the tooth fairy this day, (which was quite amazing as she usually f***s up somewhere)
But was child 3 pleased?? apparently not. Can you believe the coin did not have a picture of the palace on the back??? wot kind of tooth fairy is she?? how dare she leave a pound coin with only leaves engraved on the back!!! Im slightly worried though about how big child 3's front teeth are going to be, her top gums have widened at least 4 teeth spaces :0( my family is erm quite well known for having good teeth, some would say teeth of the bee gees big and white, but these babies i think could be bigger :0(
Well that was it campas apart from the Argos fiasco, don't ever reserve an item the last item and forget your reservation number because......... they won't give it to you :0(
Oh and don't ever think it will be ok to take the cat to the vet without a cat box :0/
Don't ever presume child 3 is being good if she is quiet, she could well be outside with a hammer and chisel taking all of the render off of your wall and spreading it all over your neighbours drive ........ again.
And always remember these sorts of things only happen to me so please do not try them at home :0/
P.S please do not tell my other half i have broken the Dyson :0/
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