Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Im sorry but this hideous blog has returned and for that i can only apologise. The cheese, the ambulance and the donkey

Hey you guys its me!!! IM STILL ALIVE! (just)
 I can't imagine anyone really cares where i went, or how i went or why i came back so i guess im going to have to build up my readers again, all 8000 of you mainly therapists, experts in psychiatry, the Rspca, social services, masterchef, irate spell checkers, infuriated  grammar experts, experts on the mind & sleep specialists..
Where the hell do i start ???
Ironically more has happened in the last 18 months than i care to mention, the main reason for my abrupt end on blogging my life was is and will remain number 4 (remember that baby i had?? ......
 I have never met a child like her she is 1, 2, and 3 all rolled into one :0/ feel my pain? i've had no sleep for 2 years!
The catalyst of needing to start this self therapy again was this morning when i tripped over the living room rug with a cup of coffee in my hand, it ruched up like a fan catapulting number 4 (who was also standing on the said rug holding her drink) flying in to the air luckily she landed in the ball pit .... on the cat :0/
Its all fine  now don't worry she is at my feet as i type completely destroying my office room.
 Jeeeez i don't actually know where to begin too much has gone on, number 4 started speaking at a very young age and now doesn't stop so space in my head for memories is very small indeed. One recent memory which is stuck fast in my mind was the poo and the cheese incident at the vauxhall garage... Number 4 has problems pooing you see and the poo train does not arrive very often. When it does arrive mind you the smell is more terrifying than a silage pit being set on fire on a farm on a hot summers day!! and believe me i know what that smells like!! Well to be truthful not the fire part that didn't happen but we do have a farm and the silage pit smells like flowers compared to number 4's poo.
Anyway it had been a while and i could tell as we pulled up to the spanking clean lined minimalistic show room with hundreds of thousand of pounds of new cars in it that we were going to have a problem, mainly due to number 4's face which looked very red and the gruntation of the words i got poooooo. It was all rather alarming as i carried her out of her car seat, small explosions of gas started popping from her nappy area, should i put her in the pushchair? there she could sit still and poo quietly? hopefully?
It was at the mention of the word pushchair that halted that thought. She did that back arch thing, you know the one where they just won't bend? i gave up on that idea and just carried her in.
 The man at the desk was nice it all smelt so lovely and new and fresh in there, not like the car id just gotten out of :0/ the reason to change my car again was mainly due to the smell of old lunch boxes and growing fungi trees :0/
         Yeah so get me looking all cool about to buy my new car, today it was just the hand over of the old one the signing of papers and of course the payment (i have to tell you i actually bought the car by complete accident the week earlier, i got a bit over excited by an advert in the paper )
 It was all going great until i had to sign bubba 4 was being quite loud now shouting at me about biscuits and such like i mean i was grateful that she had forgotten about the poo for a while, it was then that the piece of baby bel cheese fell out of my ear and landed upon the desk. Upon the very piece of paper which i had to sign, i mean what does one say about that? that familiar daily basis red cheeked omg swallow me up ground feeling erupted yet again as i swished it away as if it was a normal thing to happen, you know what its like when you have a baby they spill yoghurt down your best black leggings they smear brown chocolate all over your favorite cream top making you look like  the poo queen, i mean for gods sake ive looked like a dirty scarecrow for the passed 2 years :0/ a piece of baby bell stuffed in my ear is the normal thing for me.
         I then discovered that my current car, the piece of rubbish i was selling actually probably had no mot :0/ oh for gods sake i mumbled in a mad womans stressed state under my breath whilst looking through the crumpled up pieces of a4 papers concerning my car. It was then that the smell filled the room / the show room...... i shit you not it smells like potent gone off cow poo seriously in august she filled an entire marquee with the smell at a wedding :0/ Boy 40 (yes surprisingly i still have a husband) took her out for a walk as an excuse thinking it was some kind of drain malfunction :0/ although he soon realised it was 4 and bought her back to me  :0(
Anyway i did not know where to put myself, we were the only customers in there so it was either me or her. I then realised for the thousanth time in my life that i was not a normal person off to buy a normal car with  my normal baby. I signed the paperwork handed over my card and my crap old car key and left. The smell of cow poo in my new car still lingers, as it probably does in the showroom  :0/
             Number 3 you will be glad to hear has not changed one bit but now has a new partner in crime being number 4 together they are invincible :0/
Talking of number 3 i started writing this blog again last summer following our trip to Weston super mare ...... I wrote it all down  actually in the car oin the way home. It was the donkey ride that started it all off :0/ 'Yes' she told the man 'me and my sister are experienced horse riders!!!' whaaat????  I have never seen a child look so scared in my life!! they were sprinting along that beach!!! number 3 was there going 'yeah faster!! ' number 2 just looked like that time she did on the fair ground ride heading towards what she thought was her pending doom.
          Following that number 3 fell over the beach wall luckily it wasnt as high on the other side im not sure the family below appreciated it much though, she then ran along the pier at 100 mph straight up the ramp and in to an open ambulance ?? why would a child do this? it was like something off of Benny hill luckily the paramedics were seeing to an old lady on the pier and were not on board, i told her of the consequences of what could of happened ., ie them shutting the back doors and her being whizzed off somewhere fast but she just found this hilarious.
 We found a lovely water park/ playground on the way home, 3 thought this was great she immediately was off trying out all of the play equipment. Sat on the grass with 4 and 2 boy 40 and i were quite exhausted, after 40 minutes or so we thought we should get home. Where was 3 ?? we couldn't see her anywhere after a few scary minutes we found her swinging in a massive hammock shaped swing with another family, it appeared she had joined them, 4 or five of them were all led there swinging with her in the middle, they looked like something off of the Waltons, the mum was pushing the swing, although the break was nice we thought we had better claim her and take her home :0/
        Well that was probably the best most healthy adventure of last year it was not long after that that 2 started to get poorly......
We have had a crap few months, really awful stuff has happened, you know 2 our future prime minister and campaigner of all things politically incorrect, well after 15 years she has finally been diagnosed with the problems that have caused her to be so ill every 3 / 4 weeks since she was born., To be honest its all very serious and very misunderstood feel free to look at this for a simple explanation
Its resorted in me having to try and save the world and number 2's future independance :0/  Take a look, i don't want to dwell on this so i shall swiftly move on if you can help in anyway at all please do so.
       On a happier note the boy child genius number 1 got top grades and made it to uni !!! he comes home as often as i can get him here but is having an amazing time!!
Number 3 academically still appears to also be a genius she is on school council for the 4th year running and is now involved in mission to the moon meetings where she has been selected to represent her school in a sending a lego man to actual space !!! her role of a journalist has been very welcomed by her as failing to get this role would have been disastrous for one one who has to win at everything, she is still wearing the wrong trousers to school and has learnt to play guitar, she also still embarrases me on a daily basis by shouting things like this  loudly as she enters the school building  'DON'T FORGET TO PAY MY DINNER DEBT TODAY MUM IT'S GETTING EMBARRASSING' :0/ .
Number 2 has been off of school for months due to her spiralling downward illness no one knew of, she is slowly making it back upwards now with much needed treatment, she's just started by doing mornings, her teachers though are very proud by her amazing genius ways of slotting right back in and catching up with what she has missed.... she spent nearly 2 months asleep all day :0/
I've not changed & neither has my cooking :0/ last week i used carpet mousse as hair mousse and ordered a house sign (my own house sign) with the wrong house name :0/
Boy 40 remains the most amazing husband that ever was, bit sickening really i just cant fault him, he even stayed awake for 42 hours when number 2 was in hospital in december and you know how he needs his sleep, :0/
The pets are still as asbotic as ever asbo cat spent the entire christmas last year pissing in my winter wonderland below the tree :0/ the outside pets have all died i'm afraid it was all a bit unfortunate out on the patio last winter and caused many tears.
The fish jumped out of his bowl for the last time and the dog still sees invisible things and sometimes still likes to poo on the floor.
Well apart from the story about number 4 peeing on the floor in sainsbury and then calling the checkout lady a stinky poo poo and having a fight with her on the conveyer belt because she wanted to steal her chocolate peppa pig lolly thats about it. Oh apart from the fact that the same 2 year old takes hours to transport everywhere  because she will not get in a pushchair and will not wear reigns because (in her words ) i not a camel i cant think of much more to say
So much more has happened but i have conveniently blocked it from my mind i hope this is a satisfactory update i would hope to be back soon
See yawl ;0)

asbo cat at christmas :0/


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