Tuesday 26 April 2011

Never under estimate the power of a Super soaker, and a dog called Mr Bugger

Greetings
I'm not sure what I'm doing here, its 4.30 Am on a Wednesday, it appears that i am on insomniac island for the 2nd time this week, there is a snoring walrus in my bed and a small starfish wot is sleeping diagonal, that bloody owl is outside, a noisy car just went by and I'm sure, that by the sound of its wheel, spinning round like a CD the hamster is on speed.      
I normally start writing my blog on a Friday but as I'm fully awake and seem to have  vasts amounts of inane crap of which to spout off, i thought  i might as well get on with it.
       Seeing as small person 3 (the starfish) has taken to thinking my bed is much cosier than hers, i have reluctantly transported myself to hers.
To get here i have had to avoid 2 sleeping cats on the landing and have also tried not to wake the dawg from its slumber. If you wake her at 4.30 am she will start wagging that huge tail of her which then whacks the back of the sofa she has naughtilly chosen to sleep on. and at 4.30 am it sounds like someone playing a drum...... loudly, That would wake everyone up and quite frankly i would be VERY annoyed. So i have crept here like some animated horror piece, carefully avoiding the very creaky floor boards and squeeky doors.
     I find myself now surrounded by many scary things , after climbing up a very slippy slide (the very slide i once took a ridiculous injury from.)
Just for a minute listen carefully, a tip to be heeded well. Never ever miss judge how big or small your bottom is!. Do not drink a big glass of red wine put your small person to bed and fall asleep reading The Cat In The Hat.
Because someone may well ring your telephone, in  a loud and unexpected manner causing you to jump out of your skin, catapult yourself upon  the slide a bit skew wiff and off center, you may then whizz down the slide at tremendous speed giving yourselff a very bad arse burn injury :0/
I still have the 2 inch scar. and my arse was not pretty before that. :0/
   So I'm surrounded by scary stuff which includes a giant sponge bob and Patrick, they are staring right at me with around 40 of their friends, to my left is some experiment with do not touch on the label, so i wont :0(
    Its dark and I'm writing in a postman pat pencil so i have no idea if this will be legible in the morning (nothing new there then)
      So then Whats happened this week? Have i taken my own advice? did i heed my own tips from my parents survival guide to surviving the Easter  holidays?........... No i did not.
       Today i made a 'large' mistake, i needed to go to the shops to buy child 1 and child 3 some new school shoes. Child 3 may i add is now on her 7th pair since September, yes that's right pair 7!!! If anyone out there owns a shoe design company I have a challenge for you , Child 3 can wreck a pair of shoes in 1 day, I bet you any money you cannot design a pair which will last her more than a month :0( also if anyone from the department of working pensions is reading this can i get some kind of heavy shoe benefit? cos i really cannot afford this many shoes.
 'I' also being a little like child 3 am on my 9th hoover so same goes for that if your listening James Dyson, i challenge you to make a hoover i cannot break!!!
     Boy 40 recently pointed out to me that it is also not normal to have owned 8 washing machines in 17 years, so same applys to those what know about washing machine design.
      Anyway god i wang on endlessly, sorry. Back to the shoes.
Offspring 1 is a very sensible fellow, he went for the first pair he saw, stating ' i don't care what i wear on my feet for school' (as long as he's got a pair of superdry's on his feet at the weekend) But number 3, oh my god! Number 3.
 Never ever go shoe shopping with her or any other kind of shopping really, She sat on the floor in that shop and tried on every pair, a big 'no' pile was building rapidly. It was OK for the first 15 minutes and 45 seconds, after that i had flash backs to toys r us and other similar expeditions.
She must have now tried on every pair in the shop,  and was flinging them about like nobodies business. Everyone including the sales assistant was getting quietly annoyed, other customers were now leaving as she had taken up the entire fitting space. I wouldn't mind so much but her bright yellow spongebob socks were brown where she'd been up the woods :0/
In the end she opted for a pair that she first 'hated because they were sad' whatever that meant.
As soon as this buying decision was make i acted quickly to purchase this said pair before she had chance to change her mind.
         It was then that i made the big mistake, Child 2 spotted in the corner of her eye some brightly coloured plastic tat, and immediately fell in love with it. Child 3 then also saw it in the shop window and began to drool. 'Aw mummy pwease can we have one? came both excited beyond measure voices. Now i may seem a little tough sometimes in my writings of my children tribulations, but i cannot resist them cute little faces. So to the uncertinty of my unfortunate credit cards (wot I'm sure have now started sweating in my purse every time i go out)   I always say yes to them........ Even to the ridiculous. And erm my two smallest ones owning super soakers is just that :0/
       I was to regret this purchase as soon as i arrived home. Number 3 is rather good at control,
co-ordination and all over management of explosive weapons. Number 2 however has many health issues and actually does not have much co-ordination at all, she cannot lift very heavy things as her wrists are not strong enough,  i found this out again to my horror when she fired a hideous jet stream across my studio which kindly hit the Arse of the poor unfortunate zebra which happens to be sitting in my Africa painting. :0( I kind of think that this was the last straw for this particular painting and i will soon be closing up my studio for a while, i will reveal to you shortly my reasons but paintings the last thing on my mind right now :0/ Not forever though (dont panic) my shite art work will be around for a long time yet. just gonna take a break for a year or so.
      Wednesday was a good day we did park, friends, ducks and picnics,  it was quite uneventful really, child 2 and 3 got scarily close to the lake and nearly gave me a heart attack, there was a fight over some cherryade, then we went home........ This was when the day took an unexpected and dark turn, the postman was to bring to me a letter which has turned my life upside down again.
I cant speak of it now because of legalities but I'm quietly  biding my time and am confident that all will work out like it should. (well that's what the physic clairvoyant  lady, who also told me my washing machine was broken told me). She says that i will win the war!! (work that one out?) I'm going in to town tomorrow to buy some battle armour just in case.
 At about 6.30pm on this evening i looked at child  3 and noticed a massive rash on her arm  it was under the skin, My day having taken such a large satanic twist i was worried, big dark red blotches and smaller ones, had appered, i did the glass test and it didn't disappear, i have a hot line to the doctor (having child 2 i need i one) so i phoned him and he agreed i must take child 3 to the hospital to get it checked out, worried out of my mind I raced there from Granny's house (which is quite a way) questioning child 3 about how it may have happened, i was no nearer to the truth until i reached the doctors room. 'Em yes' she said 'i fell over on that, thats wots done it!, when me n George were climbing in the bushes at the park'! omg  ......... she fell on it! i thought it had just popped up, i really aught to stop behaving like Mr Jelly.  Well thank god she was OK but i looked a bit of a twit, it was an amalgamation of her falling on it and her eczema picking up an allergy to the offending bush or tree.
         Nerves in tatters we went home. By now i was rather tired but was expecting another night awake thanks to 'that' letter.
         To cut a long story short after another night awake i spent Thursday cleaning toilets and such like, mooching about sadly really,  having endless conversations on the phone with close friends. One rather exciting thing though did happen to me.
On this day  i actually talked to Andi Peters on twitter!!! He brightened up my day in fact, after the revelations of the day before i was glad of this and it meant a lot that someone so busy took a few minutes to wish me well. So Andi Peters if you are reading thank you very much your a thoroughly nice chap and ill always remember the day you made me smile ;0)
Children 1, 2 and 3 were very happy to be staying with My sister and My Mr sister for the day and night on this Friday, whilst me and boy 40 enjoyed Derren Browns show at the theatre in Oxford, yet another lovely Birthday present for boy 40 redeemed (fankoo mummy n daddy).
I'm not allowed to say anything about the show, Derren said so, and I'm sure he was looking at me when he said it!!! I wasn't going to anyway D cos its all about me! ;0)
But Derren Brown if you read this can i just say, i had a brand new pair of shoes on which just before you came on broke! one shoe just fell apart, on my foot!!! I had to walk the theatre and streets of Oxford bare footed :0( what does this mean? a strange coincidence considering the start of your show, and that is all i can say about that,  :0/
So looking like a tramp as usual we couldn't really go anywhere else after cos i had no shoes :0/ i was a twit again for the second time in 2 days, at least i was a twit in Oxford where no one knows me.
         Talking of tramps the next day we were out taking photos of the university colleges for our genius boy child, Who i bought an oxford university t.shirt for (just so he can get used to it ;0)
We were happily walking in the sunshine, When i heard someone shout 'HEY MR BUGGER COME BACK!!) Quite taken a back by this, i looked around, Oxford is not the sort of place one would use this language especially outside Christ church college where they filmed Inspector Morse and Alice in wonderlands author was a maths teacher!!!
 'HEY MR BUGGER COME BACK YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME'!! Fec there it was again i did hear right. A scantily clad no abode man was running behind a small dog shouting........ I was worried, he looked like he was going to pass out and die  'Mr Bugger' who was not on a lead was now pissing up a tourist information stand :0/
I could however completely understand why he was called Mr Bugger because he really was one. :0/ We saw him again later that day on the bridge over the punting lake, Mr Bugger was running fast, the man was chasing him, i was worried for Mr Buggers safety it was a very busy road, The oldish man sat on the bench beside us to admire the girls whilst Mr Bugger ran away, 'oh come back Mr Bugger' he muttered under his breath, i think he was a bit pissed off by now. and had obviously been chasing Mr Bugger about all day :0/ I couldn't watch anymore it wasn't doing my nerves any good, so we bought a feast ice cream and walked back in to town.
          We thought that being good parents, we should aswell as take picture's of the colleges for the boy child, we should also take pictures of the public houses he may want to frequent whilst studying. One in particular was called the Eagle and child, this pub ill have you know was the very pub in which J.R.Tolkien and  C.S.Lewis chatted together about their children's books they were writing. (can you imagine? Hey J.R i has a lion a witch some furry coats and a waldrobe..... good combination?, Yes C.S i has wizard called Gandaulf with a big stick and some small elves with dirty feet!!!  what do ya rec?)
Me and boy 40 were fascinated by this, he's apparently wanted to visit this pub for years) we have read all of the lord of the rings / the hobbit etc to the kids and have lost count the amount of times wev'e read The lion The witch and the wardrobe etc to them, We sat at the very table they did, i thought yeah may be if i touch this magic table i may get them massive kids books I've written (mostly when child 2 was in hospital) published one day.
          So i hugged the table, and stroked it like i really loved it. Boy 40 did that face he does when i embarrass him but i didn't care cos i believe in magic! Just imagine me a famous author eh??? I was all full of hope and magical promise all weekend of my new hopeful career ...............and then i read this back......... fec. i em think ill just be happy with the 'awful author' in me for a while longer eh? ;0/
Ah well  ill always be skint , but at least I'm happy
Toodle pip

"OVER A THOUSAND SECRET READERS ON THE STATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   ;0) xxx

Saturday 16 April 2011

Pains, Sprains & Automobiles ...with a bit of father Christmas chucked in for free.

Good Evening Ladies, Gentlemen, Animals and beasts
I Shan't bang on about the statistics this evening for the masses of secret followers i appear to have, because I'm slightly worried.
Worried  that this blog may be resembling 'The only way is Essex', not that I've even seen it, but everyone keeps saying its so bad that you just have to keep watching it! erm well yes i rest my case. So i shall not boast about the viewing figures anymore  :0/
    I am happy to say that i have survived the first week of the Easter holidays, Just.
Its been a testing time and has been very expensive, i have kindly put together a survival guide for you parents out there, print it out and hide it in the wardrobe so the 'small ones' don't find it.
Firstly though i will share with you some of the more trying times of this week.
I type with slight pain this evening as it appears i have sprained my typing finger trying to rip up a telephone directory, so please excuse me if my spelling, grammar and punctuation is more hideous than usual :0/  This sprain is actually very debilitating, you don't realise how many things your fore finger is useful for until you injure it. ........ I'm just glad i don't pick my nose as much as child 3
 I wasn't trying to rip the telephone directory because I'm hard, i have ran out of newspaper to line the cats litter tray with. Anyway its done now and shes peeing on all of the surnames beginning with B......... i need to train her to poo on them too as she is still pooing on the floor, i have so far hesitated to the vets suggestion of a cat Psychologist  because I'm far too embarrassed.
         Monday started in compete panic as usual we had to be somewhere and small persons 2 and 3 amazingly 'again' had no shoes the brush was lost, the glasses had gone AWOL, i haven't seen child 2's left hearing aid for about 3 weeks and she needed it. The car had no petrol we had to pick nanny up from the wrong direction boy child needed taking somewhere entirely different and i was just swearing 'happy fecin holidays' under my breath over and over again.
I managed to calm down but it took a good few hours, After yet another hospital appointment I promised small persons 2 and 3 a trip to Toys r us to spend there pocket money, Small person 3 had given me a golden purse full of money, she told me there was £30 in there it was very heavy and i had no reason to disbelieve her as she had been saving up, her grandparents are also very generous with their pocket money.  Small person number 2 also had a shiny purse full of pocket money.......... one and a half hours later we were still in there trying out every toy possible,  Id kind of had enough at this point, Nanny and i just had vacant faces by now and didn't feel the need to communicate anymore.
 Child 3 had a nice collection of stuff in her arms, child 2 could still not make up her mind. Finally after much consideration and child 3 dumping her 'most favorite toy in the world' for another and then another in the next isle and the next we were ready to pay.
The tills were all packed queues of people everywhere. Child 3 puts all of her shopping on the counter and the lady rings it up. £27.50 please. I scrabble in my bag for the golden purse, open it up and 'Bollocks' it is jam packed full of 2 pence pieces. Immediately i feel my cheeks burning up, what the hell do i do? Erm shit i started to panic, i had no money,  i also managed to find the odd pound a marble and a fake credit card  in it. I so wanted to grrrrrrrr at child 3 at this moment in time, who by the way was innocently stood there, smiling at all of the people in the queue who she thought were admiring her new Sponge bob DVD and giant Patrick star.
Really they were all looking at me, me who had left her purse in the car . :0( Luckily Nanny had a shiny card on her and rescued me. I walked very quickly towards the door, followed by my family and large amounts of toy bags.
 Next it was off to the shoe shop to buy a pair of work boots for boy 40, his are just about falling off of his feet and have some big holes in them wot let out disgusting smells.
I make him leave them outside, once where we used to live someone nicked one of them off the door step!! Just one. There's either a one legged thief on the loose or it was a prank.
I thought it was really funny and would have done it myself if id have thought about it, it still makes me laugh thinking of him at 6 am in the morning, with one boot in his hand his lunch box in the other and a very confused look upon his face. Well I'm glad i don't live there anymore i can tell ya.
Anyway history was to repeat itself on this very day in the shoe shop, Bargain of the year !! work boots £30 down to a fiver !!!! flimmin ek i had to have them, i was so excited (it doesn't take much) there were loads of pairs after 15 minutes of looking through i could only find one size 11 just one.
I could see those goblins of mine had reared they're ugly heads today, the ladies in the shop also looked but no, there was only one. Out of 30 odd pairs of boots the one 'I' wanted was not there grrrr. what a pain in the arse that was, i could have pocketed the extra £25 quid and bought shiny things with it :0/
        When we arrived home i asked small people 2 and 3 to tidy their rooms as they both look like burglary's, it was all quiet for a while until i discovered them on my computer asking Jeeves 'how to tidy their messy bedrooms', they ask Jeeves many things the last question  was 'where is the brush?' on Friday morning before school. He didn't bloody well find it though.
        Tuesday was ...... well actually a little weird, weird it would have been anyway as i was to spend the day with fizzer (follower 3) but strange things kept happening, first i lost my car keys, this is not an unusual occurrence but i found them in the washing machine??? the one which 'Still' doesn't work ;0)  (that little chestnut is wearing a bit thin now. my washers and ironers i feel may start to suspect a rat soon, i may have to buy a new one ) :0(
        Then we saw a man walking along the road dressed as father Christmas?? proper costume beard everything, I'm still trying to work out if he was actual father Christmas.
 I told the girls that they really aught to behave today as he was probably making his naughty and nice list early!! it worked for a while until child 3 decided to start singing 'I know a song that will get on yer nerves' this resulted in child 2 bonking her on the head with a P.E bag. (yes its still in the car from end of term ) :0/
        The strangest thing of all was when we entered Quedgleyshire the home of Fizzer & follower number 3, There was a police riot van by the side of the road and a police woman bundling a little old lady in to it,(she looked about 85) she was having awful problems walking backwards up the steps in to the van,. She wasn't some ruffian old lady, she was wearing a tweed suit if anyone off of Quedgleyshire could let me know what on earth she had done please let me know.
      Upon arrival at Fizzers i discovered that someone had drawn a very large windmill on my leg in blue pen. I'm sure i should sleep with one eye open in my house, i feel that child 3 was behind it by the drawing style, Why a windmill i have no idea but spit was not going to remove it, Fizzer however didn't even notice because she was too busy steaming open her husbands post, whats worrying is that she was chatting happily away to me as she was doing it, as if she does it every day.
      After a rather smashing day full of laughing i returned home to find that the cat had had another killing fest and had left parts of small animals upon my door step. :0(
       The rest of the week contained much expense taking the small people to various places to bounce around etc, £30 odd quid at the cinema where child 3 lost her shoes in the dark, what is it with her and shoes?? Oh and The Automobile reference in the title of which i must explain.
Well i was tired as per usual and in a rush, so i couldn't really help it when i reversed in to the parking space and forgot to stop :0/
The metal crash barrier was probably a little kinder than the wall would have been and for that i am grateful :0/ the kind of crump noise it made reminded me of when i did this before in another car park, that time i was driving forwards when i forgot to stop :0(
 Boy 40 though is always scuffing my bumpers and says that bumpers are for bumping, so when i make these little mistakes i re quote those words to him. This normally works however it did not work when i drove under that truck :0( 
The car then 'Trixy bell' was new, and to cut a long story short i ended up underneath a truck, not right under just part of my bonnet, Simple really he stopped and i erm didn't, it was all very embarrassing.
It happened along a busy main road, traffic was really slow so it was not a fast impact luckily, Big school kids were all walking to the huge schools upon this road, people were walking to town on their way to work it was jam packed with cars and pedestrians. And there was me sat under a truck!! :0( They were all having a good old look, i mean what sort of face do you put on in this situation?) did i reverse back out? did i wait for him to go forward? omg that few minutes felt like a life time i was scared at what the hell i had done to my brand new shiny car.
Child 2 shouts from the back 'Mum do you mind? you nearly killed me then' Child 3 was a toddler at the time and just shouted  'yeah mum poo poo'. (It wasn't a good day)
The guy in the truck gave me the filthiest look in the world, as he drove forward and took his back  end off of my bonnet making large scraping noises. He gave me the evils all the way down in the traffic queue and  then drove away ???  Probably had no insurance i dunno, i was glad anyway he looked very scary I'm only 5ft and wasn't really looking for a fight that morning :0(  And Yes i had crapped up the entire front end of the car there was a great big hole in the bumper in the shape of a tow bar :0(  i sometimes feel that they shouldn't let me out :0(
          Anyway enough of me taliking crap. without further a do here is your Survival guide to the rest of the holidays.
                                                    
                                               A Parents essential print out guide
                                          10 Steps to surviving the Easter Holidays.
        
 1. Plan what you are going to do, if you don't fancy the park (again) and they do look at the weather forecast the night before, if it says rain, perfect!! you tell the small people ooh mummy's taking you to the park tomorrow they'll think your great....................its not your fault!! you cannot control the weather.

2. Pop down to the social and ask for a BHICATH form, (bloody hell i can't afford the holidays form ) Fill it in and they will give you at least £150 to cover it all, more if you take them to the cinema. Wear scuffed up clothes take some other peoples kids with you also and you'll get more.

3. Invite your mum down for the day, she will make cakes with them, play bored games (yes that's spelt correctly) and she will even take home your washing if your lucky ;0)

4. Put the clocks back one evening, they will never know and you will get an early night ;0)

5. Its the Easter holidays and that is good because you can use (the Easter bunny wont come) black mail tactic all week!!

6. Visit all of your friends houses, this way your own doesn't get messy!

7. Make one day in to a competition, who can tidy up their rooms the quickest, who can sweep the patio the quickest, who can feed all of the pets the quickest, etc etc make sure you have lots of coffee in on this day its thirsty work being an adjudicator

8. Buy a trampoline, the kids might like it too

9. Go in to town Buy some spring flowers and give them some spades, they love worms and mud and you get the garden weeded.

10. Finally  Hide and seek is a very good game if you are the counter ;0)


Until next time ................................

Saturday 9 April 2011

Spaghetti, Meat balls and Why Tiffanys woolly jumper was a health and safety nightmare.

Yo Followers 3
AND 900 secret readers on the stats!!! 900 bloody hell that's more than i have friends on facebook....... ........By about 718.
 I come with exciting news on this lovely sunny day, well exciting for me but perhaps not for the rest of the world, with ears.
Yesterday i was  invited to become part of a new girl band !! well  i use the term 'girl band' loosely as we are all thirty something and have to use oil of olay............. Anyway im glad im a singer at last and I'm glad that i put all of that effort in to the Kylie Ass as its obviously paying off. Our first gig is 2 weeks Thursday which is slightly worrying because i don't know 'any' words to the song :0/ !!! Also my fellow band members have not yet seen my dancing :0/  except for one of them but that was very late on a saturday night after 20 pints of wine, so i cant see that that counts.
        Secondly i would like to proudly announce that the 'British comedy zone' is following me on twitter!! (i tweet this shite blog on twitter now dont you know)  how exciting!
 I feel though they may be making up a case against me for their solicitors, for crimes against comedy writing
:0(
Although seriously, this isn't really comedy and i dont find it remotely funny. Its my life and i cant help it. Its always been there. I just had to keep it all inside before. Thank god for this blog and facebook its saves me thousands of pounds in therapy.
         This week has been especially busy Monday involved many separate adventures. The first being a trip to the childrens hospital with child 2 for blood tests. I am now sorry to say at the very top of her get it list for taking her there, followed by Gordon Brown and the guy who stepped on her foot in the shop :0(
To be fair It was not as traumatic as i first thought it would be. I had a small accident with the numbing (anesthetic) cream,  I squeezed it on her arms in the places which were to be punctured,  much to child two's distress. May be i shouldn't have hidden the appointment from her i don't know?, because this made her more angry, there was a bit of a kerfuffle which resulted in me actually ingesting some of the said cream, and spreading it down my face, this caused hideous dribbling and after a while one side of my mouth and tongue was completely numb, again i looked like Quasimodo, god knows what it done to my insides. But im sure i could have even eaten one of my cakes and it wouldn't of hurt.
         With no time to spare as per usual i discovered that i had no plasters to cover up the cream on her arms, the doctor rummaged through the nurses cupboards for me the previous Monday (oooer) and had found me some wadding, but me being me i lost it. :0(
 Quick thinking my brain told me to use cling film, which was good until we had to remove it in front of the nurses at the hospital, then i looked a little foolish. I wish i hadn't put so much on it was like unwrapping an evil mummy, Child 2 is very stubborn and if shes doesn't want to participate she wont, luckily daddy was there which helped immensely with comunication as she does not talk to people on her get it list at all.
The two nurses were also on the get it list by now and so was the clingfilm :0(  Bloods done and nurses wishing to change careers, we whizzed back up the motorway, Child two decided to take me off of her get it list if we took her to the pub for lunch so we did. I shan't say which pub we went to but neither i or boy 40 had been there before.............. i know why now, it really needs Ruth Watson to sort it out, the only people in there were an old couple who were about 105, and they matched the surroundings well.
My god the stuff wot was coming out of their mouths was unbelievable !! I would call them upper upper bonkers class so far removed from normal human beings like you wouldn't believe.
We ate the 70's food didn't brave the toilets and  as we left they were slagging of some single mother who apparently lives in a caravan with 5 children ( by different men don't you know) how the hell the old farts knew this fact i don't know. but the old lady met her at a bus stop and took an instant dislike to her. I met a person at a bus stop once i thought she was my friend and she turned out to be the antichrist, may be its just the bus stops round here i dunno, anyway shes also got  4 cats she smokes 'ciggarettes' and so do her kids (probably) i made that bit up but anyway  she  is a right potty mouth, and they have taken steps to evict her!!............ hey i think i might know that gal she used to live on an estate near where i used to live.
Anyway next job was to race over to Nanny's to drop off small person who was now 'full' of dreadful old people stories to tell them. :0( and she did Nanny was very interested to hear about the low life hobo who was arrested in posh mans kitchen smelling of urine and filth ( he was probably the old sods gardener) if the truth was known. But it gave child 2 and the grandparents some entertainment for the afternoon.
         So now it was for a meeting at the solicitors office, why do they always speak like its 1824 ?? i came out of there knowing less than i do now, it probably cost a hundred quid. So now to more travelling  through the country side for another meeting with an architect who charges about six grand an hour.
By now we were running very late and i only had time for a packet of cheesy wotsits for my tea before venturing off to see a clairvoyant at a Friends house. I have to say she was very good but all she told me was that my washing machine was broken, i already knew that but how the hell did she?? did i smell ? may be my clothes looked dirty ?? May be she had been talking to thae lady in buskins off of Nailsworth, she thinks im a tramp! She did not though however tell me of my big secret wot is still a secret. of what i am still keeping......I'm sure she should have known about that ? bloody hell its massive! Ah well
           On Tuesday child 3 made a shrinkernator at school, I'm currently selling them for £19.99

This is the Baddie shrinkernator to you and me it looks like an empty lemonade bottle on top of an orange juice bottle with some bendy pipe cleaners inside. Well you are very much mistaken, apparently if you put bad peoples arms inside the top it will drag them inside and shrink them, i have no reason to believe it does not work as i haven't bumped in to any bad people since she bought it home, i will however be taking it out in to town today to try it out, i shall also take it to the police station to see if they want to buy some in bulk, Its Saturday night tonight so they may well be interested.
Child 3 has also been up to her usual mischief this week, amongst many other things she got her big toe stuck in to the ring on the dogs collar :0/ the only problem was was that the dog was still wearing it.
A small child with a black labrador attached to it on a wednesday night was a inconvenience  i could have done without quite frankly. it took many attempts to free said childs toe and I'm not sure who was more frightened her or the dog.
Talking of small person 3 i am having trouble in concentrating on these words, she is currently stair surfing on a giant spongebob pillow, child 2 is laughing loudly at her. Boy 40 is singing in the kitchen and i really wish they would all be quiet, this is my therapy time, its the only me time i get in a week when i need quiet, just so i can get all of these things down, if one thing gets left inside me it will build up in to nervous tension and come out in some other way which may not be pleasent.
 I got rid of the dead cake mix by the way, a very kind friend gave me some more, only i left it in the car all day in the hot weather, when i realised it was actually bubbeling in the heat :0( 
I'm not sure if we will all get food poisoning from that now, i may just have to give the cake to the dog :0( My washing machine is still broken :0( but the magic fairys still have it all under control. Ive never had so many clean piles of washing that all smells different ;0)
Excuse me i just need to shout at my family to shut it just for 5 more minutes ..........*****............ Ok done.
          Well that just leads me nicely to finish on the Tiffany Jumper fiasco. I have this jumper its big and woolly with bat wing sleeves i call it my 'Tiffany' jumper as in the singer  Tiffany off of the 80's. I always have to sing the song and do that weird crazy dance when im wearing too it because i do actual proper look like Tiffany.  I wear it mostly when im working as it is a little scruffy, Its really quite an annoying jumper im always finding myself hanging off of various knobs on cupboards and it grabs hold of every door handle it can find, catapulting me in all directions :0(  i really dont know how the poor girl coped. Did they have to take out extra public liability insurance when she toured ?
Small person 2 had a few days off of school this week due to a vaccine which made her unwell, her temperature was very high, i was trying to work, i did not realise the thing my jumper had done until her physio lady popped round to say hi. Sitting beside her i suddenly noticed blue thick stuff all over number two's forehead, (she had been asleep and was completely unaware of the colour of her face)  it was also all over the sofa cushions and everywhere else i had been. I couldnt work out for the life of me what it was, and then i realised, my Tiffany jumper had picked up rather a lot of  paint on its long baggy sleeve and had proceeded to splatter everything in its path with it :0/ Miss physio asked child 2 kindly 'have you been painting? today thats nice. ' No she replyed ive been watching Tracy beeker all day.
Now i look like ive randomly painted my childs head with blue paint :0( why would i do that? Grrrr that stupid jumper it was emulsion and took ages to remove.
I looked a little more closely at the sleeve on my jumper i hadn't really been aware of its talents before. It was disgusting, all sorts of crap was hanging off of it, bits of straw from the hutches, the odd cat food biscuit and lord knows what else. I did not realise what a health hazard it really was. Thankfully i avoided another catastrophy that evening. NEVER wear your Tiffany jumper if you are to use all four gas rings on the stove. I was greatful in the end of the stuff of what my sleeve had un wittingly collected during the day because when i caught it on fire the different dangelling off smells hit my nose much sooner.
Spaghetti and meat balls certainly had a fragrant twist that evening, 
Well thankfully its a lovely sunny day the kids are now outside bouncing on the trampoline with the dog :0/ its all gone quiet here,
 I think im alone now, there doesn't seem to be anyone around................ And thats good because the cat has just farted.
until next time ;0) x

Saturday 2 April 2011

Floods, Slugs, and a Bloody Parsnip accident

800 on the stats!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG
Sorry how rude of me good morning one and all and happy Saturday.
This week i am glad to say life has returned to normal so i shall not be bothering you with weird and frightening dreams i shall just be telling you the real true life stuff.
         It all started last Sunday really when the washing machine decided to pump water out all over the utility room floor, immediately it reminded me of the great flood of 2004 in my last house.
That dreadful day When i decided to plumb in the dishwasher all by myself :0/
Not being an 'actual' plumber it all ended in  unfortunate tears and a brand new 3 storey house wot was ruined, with all our stuff in it  :0/ anyway i shall not bother you with that as i already told you about  it last week. I may though one day elaborate and tell you the proper story of which im sure could actually be made in to a film, The perfect storm is the closest film match i can think to it :0/
        What i would like to know though is, if there are any plumbers out there, do you always have wet socks? and do you carry spare ones about in your lunch box,? Because my second plumbing accident of the washing machine kind ( last sunday) again resulted in my wet socks. 
What made it  worse was that i emptied all of the dirty washing out of the basket and on the floor to mop it up, so i ended up with more wet socks. Rather unfortunatly I'm sure that the cat had pissed behind the washing machine as all of the wet stuff quickly gathered a certain cat piss aroma, which i then had to take up to my mums house and stick in her machine. I'm sure she noticed the vile smell, she didn't say anything but her face was not of a pleasant nature :0/
          Ive had offers all week from friendly folk offering to do my washing for me, in some cases it has been ironed too, so i have decided to keep it broken for a little longer ;0) but shhhhh don't tell anyone.
         Work has been shall we say interesting this week. As you know I'm doing an exhibition on Africa, and also as you know I've spent hours painting white tigers in the painting wot don't live there :0( I'm not actually sure where this painting is going anymore. It seems to be going from bad to worse.
 I spend a lot of time talking on the phone whilst painting, mainly to fizzer follower number 3.
This week we had a particularly long and interesting conversation, mostly about other people whilst i painted a monkey. I must have been feeling in a cuddly mood for i painted him hugging the lion, well this was all to take a strange and perverted twist as i put the phone down i took a closer look and oh my god my monkey looked like he was actually sh*****g the lion.
Shocked and stunned by this image I did not say a word but simply put the image up on facebook, i did not need to say anything because everyone else thought that this was what the monkey was doing too :0/ apart from my friend Ali who has a rather sweet Innocent mind ( until she's drank two bottles of red ).
I wonder really whether to give up on this project right now and seek some counselling, may be im just not cut our for this job anymore, that afternoon i went out for half an hour just to pick up the kids, my friend Anne says ' hey i like yer monkey' (whilst laughing) then i go in to the shop and someone shouts over 'Hey Rach nice monkey ' and he winks at me like I'm some kinda pervert. Ive kind of covered it up now i think by sitting another monkey by dirty monkeys  side, although if you look at that closely his knees look like a pair of boobs :0/
          Talking of boobs have you heard that dreadful song on the local radio stations ? its advertising a breast enlargement / resize whatever clinic, its really crap but catchy.  I may have to email them to take it off air, my child of the naughtiest variety number 3 , keeps singing 'myyyyyy Breast' at the top of her voice in super markets  and at her nannys house on the way to school, and in all sorts of innapropriate places she has no idea what it means but everyone else does :0/
         Speaking of child 3 she was to bring home this week a Cake mixture, its a 'chain' cake. When we were kids we just used to have letters but oh no not now, we have 'cakes' Herman his name was and i erm use the 'was' as in the past tense... which um he now is. :0/ not to the surprise of anyone i may add.
 I have now actually killed a cake mix :0( he was supposed to grow you see, something to do with the yeast in him, he needed stirring and talking to, ( may be i said the wrong things? i dunno) then when he was big enough he had to be split in to 4. Parts of him were to be passed on to some other unfortunate souls and the rest of him was to be baked :0( Herman currently looks like a brick) :0/ a shrunken brick, child number 3 is angry with me, i tried to revive him somewhat with a litle water, just until i can pilfer some mix off of someone else, and replace him. You know like what you do with dead pets . not that i pilfer peoples pets off of them that would be wrong, i go and buy new ones wot look the same.
Boy 40 is not good at that though, i once asked hm to go and buy a fish to replace the dead one, this particular fish was very small and dainty, he basically came back with a shark !! duh. The lies i had to tell to get out of that one. Anyway to be honest who ever thought it right to give it to her in the first place?? it was bound to end up with bogeys in it. and who in their right mind would trust me with a cake mix??? bonkers that what they were.
       Still speaking of child 3 (sorry its good therapy) Apart from the my breast song she has annoying habits of putting things in my shoes, i had an important meeting at the beginning of the week just about some work stuff, I try to look smart on these occasions so i dumped the ragamuffin boho style and put on my work suit a nice fitted little number of what i wore with black boots, I didn't notice at first when i sat down in the office but very soon it was apparent that there was something nasty in my boot. I am a bit of a pwincess to these things and have an over active imagination. Standing up to show off some drawings there was clearly something very large and squidgy under my foot, loosing concentration of what i was doing  i stumbled over simple words because all i could think of was that it was a big fat slug.
 It freaked me out beyond words i started to sweat (a lot) and felt a little nauseous as i could do absolutely nothing about it. I could hardly say ( oh excuse me Mr Man i just need to remove the slug from my boot) its not very professional never mind weird.
After the meeting i ran to the car like Quasimodo. Having no time to move the seat back i frantically took off my boot. And yes inside was a black thing about  2 inches long.
 It was a flippin wine gum!! can you imagine what thats like??  I'm shuddering now just thinking about the whole episode, apparently according to child 3 it must have fell in there out of the cupboard (which is a very long way a way from where i keep my boots.  Please try that, put a wine gum in your boot and go out for a walk, see how you feel.
         She also heard on the news this week that some criminal has been remanded in custard for being a thief and so now thinks if you shop lift or burgle someones house you get incarcerated in custard. Child 2 who is 4 years older and our future priminister says she will look in to this matter as it does not seem an appropriate punishment. I  have no idea how child one got to be so intelligent with younger siblings like this :0/
         She also Believes that her uncle Damian lives inside her Ds which is slightly worrying because 'he does too'.
          Well apart from the buzzing thing which entered my hair on the way home from school this week, causing me to jump up and down like a big girl who had been electrocuted whilst smacking my own self around the head to get it out, (whilst walking by myself along a busy main road.) Not a lot more has happened.
          Except  for that is the Parsnip accident off of last sunday where i managed to crack off half of my thumb nail using a new peeler. Boy 40 bought this new peeler because he is quite  frankly fed up by the amount of times i cut my self whilst cooking / preparing tea :0(  ........ He has not realised yet (after 17 years) that i just was not cut out to be a chef a cleaner or an all round boring house wife, its just not natural to me. Id rather be doing stuff I'm good at, (messing about on facebook mainly) so obviously when i try to do these things they go wrong. The parsnip was a long one and so needed a lot of swift fast peeling action. I was singing along at the time to Pixie Lott, so really in my bored of cooking mind i was on the stage under the lights at wembley. With my band
          Dancing and peeling is obviously not a great strength of mine (nor pixie lotts probably) as i discovered when peeled off my own thumb. :0(   half the nail came off too. Very quickly i was transported back in to my own kitchen Wembley stadium had gone and all that was left was lots of blood :0(
          But anyway at least it got me out of cooking Sunday lunch, which was good. good for my diners and good for me.
Gotta go now the small people have gone off in to town with daddy to buy mothers day stuff so if you see them  just make sure they go in the right shops. ;0)
         I am going to go and sit on my Kylie arse for an hour to eat biscuits  watch some trashy TV and dream of places where i shoud be ..............
Turrahh
Dirty Monkey :0(