Good Evening Ladies, Gentlemen, Animals and beasts
I Shan't bang on about the statistics this evening for the masses of secret followers i appear to have, because I'm slightly worried.
Worried that this blog may be resembling 'The only way is Essex', not that I've even seen it, but everyone keeps saying its so bad that you just have to keep watching it! erm well yes i rest my case. So i shall not boast about the viewing figures anymore :0/
I am happy to say that i have survived the first week of the Easter holidays, Just.
Its been a testing time and has been very expensive, i have kindly put together a survival guide for you parents out there, print it out and hide it in the wardrobe so the 'small ones' don't find it.
Firstly though i will share with you some of the more trying times of this week.
I type with slight pain this evening as it appears i have sprained my typing finger trying to rip up a telephone directory, so please excuse me if my spelling, grammar and punctuation is more hideous than usual :0/ This sprain is actually very debilitating, you don't realise how many things your fore finger is useful for until you injure it. ........ I'm just glad i don't pick my nose as much as child 3
I wasn't trying to rip the telephone directory because I'm hard, i have ran out of newspaper to line the cats litter tray with. Anyway its done now and shes peeing on all of the surnames beginning with B......... i need to train her to poo on them too as she is still pooing on the floor, i have so far hesitated to the vets suggestion of a cat Psychologist because I'm far too embarrassed.
Monday started in compete panic as usual we had to be somewhere and small persons 2 and 3 amazingly 'again' had no shoes the brush was lost, the glasses had gone AWOL, i haven't seen child 2's left hearing aid for about 3 weeks and she needed it. The car had no petrol we had to pick nanny up from the wrong direction boy child needed taking somewhere entirely different and i was just swearing 'happy fecin holidays' under my breath over and over again.
I managed to calm down but it took a good few hours, After yet another hospital appointment I promised small persons 2 and 3 a trip to Toys r us to spend there pocket money, Small person 3 had given me a golden purse full of money, she told me there was £30 in there it was very heavy and i had no reason to disbelieve her as she had been saving up, her grandparents are also very generous with their pocket money. Small person number 2 also had a shiny purse full of pocket money.......... one and a half hours later we were still in there trying out every toy possible, Id kind of had enough at this point, Nanny and i just had vacant faces by now and didn't feel the need to communicate anymore.
Child 3 had a nice collection of stuff in her arms, child 2 could still not make up her mind. Finally after much consideration and child 3 dumping her 'most favorite toy in the world' for another and then another in the next isle and the next we were ready to pay.
The tills were all packed queues of people everywhere. Child 3 puts all of her shopping on the counter and the lady rings it up. £27.50 please. I scrabble in my bag for the golden purse, open it up and 'Bollocks' it is jam packed full of 2 pence pieces. Immediately i feel my cheeks burning up, what the hell do i do? Erm shit i started to panic, i had no money, i also managed to find the odd pound a marble and a fake credit card in it. I so wanted to grrrrrrrr at child 3 at this moment in time, who by the way was innocently stood there, smiling at all of the people in the queue who she thought were admiring her new Sponge bob DVD and giant Patrick star.
Really they were all looking at me, me who had left her purse in the car . :0( Luckily Nanny had a shiny card on her and rescued me. I walked very quickly towards the door, followed by my family and large amounts of toy bags.
Next it was off to the shoe shop to buy a pair of work boots for boy 40, his are just about falling off of his feet and have some big holes in them wot let out disgusting smells.
I make him leave them outside, once where we used to live someone nicked one of them off the door step!! Just one. There's either a one legged thief on the loose or it was a prank.
I thought it was really funny and would have done it myself if id have thought about it, it still makes me laugh thinking of him at 6 am in the morning, with one boot in his hand his lunch box in the other and a very confused look upon his face. Well I'm glad i don't live there anymore i can tell ya.
Anyway history was to repeat itself on this very day in the shoe shop, Bargain of the year !! work boots £30 down to a fiver !!!! flimmin ek i had to have them, i was so excited (it doesn't take much) there were loads of pairs after 15 minutes of looking through i could only find one size 11 just one.
I could see those goblins of mine had reared they're ugly heads today, the ladies in the shop also looked but no, there was only one. Out of 30 odd pairs of boots the one 'I' wanted was not there grrrr. what a pain in the arse that was, i could have pocketed the extra £25 quid and bought shiny things with it :0/
When we arrived home i asked small people 2 and 3 to tidy their rooms as they both look like burglary's, it was all quiet for a while until i discovered them on my computer asking Jeeves 'how to tidy their messy bedrooms', they ask Jeeves many things the last question was 'where is the brush?' on Friday morning before school. He didn't bloody well find it though.
Tuesday was ...... well actually a little weird, weird it would have been anyway as i was to spend the day with fizzer (follower 3) but strange things kept happening, first i lost my car keys, this is not an unusual occurrence but i found them in the washing machine??? the one which 'Still' doesn't work ;0) (that little chestnut is wearing a bit thin now. my washers and ironers i feel may start to suspect a rat soon, i may have to buy a new one ) :0(
Then we saw a man walking along the road dressed as father Christmas?? proper costume beard everything, I'm still trying to work out if he was actual father Christmas.
I told the girls that they really aught to behave today as he was probably making his naughty and nice list early!! it worked for a while until child 3 decided to start singing 'I know a song that will get on yer nerves' this resulted in child 2 bonking her on the head with a P.E bag. (yes its still in the car from end of term ) :0/
The strangest thing of all was when we entered Quedgleyshire the home of Fizzer & follower number 3, There was a police riot van by the side of the road and a police woman bundling a little old lady in to it,(she looked about 85) she was having awful problems walking backwards up the steps in to the van,. She wasn't some ruffian old lady, she was wearing a tweed suit if anyone off of Quedgleyshire could let me know what on earth she had done please let me know.
Upon arrival at Fizzers i discovered that someone had drawn a very large windmill on my leg in blue pen. I'm sure i should sleep with one eye open in my house, i feel that child 3 was behind it by the drawing style, Why a windmill i have no idea but spit was not going to remove it, Fizzer however didn't even notice because she was too busy steaming open her husbands post, whats worrying is that she was chatting happily away to me as she was doing it, as if she does it every day.
After a rather smashing day full of laughing i returned home to find that the cat had had another killing fest and had left parts of small animals upon my door step. :0(
The rest of the week contained much expense taking the small people to various places to bounce around etc, £30 odd quid at the cinema where child 3 lost her shoes in the dark, what is it with her and shoes?? Oh and The Automobile reference in the title of which i must explain.
Well i was tired as per usual and in a rush, so i couldn't really help it when i reversed in to the parking space and forgot to stop :0/
The metal crash barrier was probably a little kinder than the wall would have been and for that i am grateful :0/ the kind of crump noise it made reminded me of when i did this before in another car park, that time i was driving forwards when i forgot to stop :0(
Boy 40 though is always scuffing my bumpers and says that bumpers are for bumping, so when i make these little mistakes i re quote those words to him. This normally works however it did not work when i drove under that truck :0(
The car then 'Trixy bell' was new, and to cut a long story short i ended up underneath a truck, not right under just part of my bonnet, Simple really he stopped and i erm didn't, it was all very embarrassing.
It happened along a busy main road, traffic was really slow so it was not a fast impact luckily, Big school kids were all walking to the huge schools upon this road, people were walking to town on their way to work it was jam packed with cars and pedestrians. And there was me sat under a truck!! :0( They were all having a good old look, i mean what sort of face do you put on in this situation?) did i reverse back out? did i wait for him to go forward? omg that few minutes felt like a life time i was scared at what the hell i had done to my brand new shiny car.
Child 2 shouts from the back 'Mum do you mind? you nearly killed me then' Child 3 was a toddler at the time and just shouted 'yeah mum poo poo'. (It wasn't a good day)
The guy in the truck gave me the filthiest look in the world, as he drove forward and took his back end off of my bonnet making large scraping noises. He gave me the evils all the way down in the traffic queue and then drove away ??? Probably had no insurance i dunno, i was glad anyway he looked very scary I'm only 5ft and wasn't really looking for a fight that morning :0( And Yes i had crapped up the entire front end of the car there was a great big hole in the bumper in the shape of a tow bar :0( i sometimes feel that they shouldn't let me out :0(
Anyway enough of me taliking crap. without further a do here is your Survival guide to the rest of the holidays.
A Parents essential print out guide
10 Steps to surviving the Easter Holidays.
1. Plan what you are going to do, if you don't fancy the park (again) and they do look at the weather forecast the night before, if it says rain, perfect!! you tell the small people ooh mummy's taking you to the park tomorrow they'll think your great....................its not your fault!! you cannot control the weather.
2. Pop down to the social and ask for a BHICATH form, (bloody hell i can't afford the holidays form ) Fill it in and they will give you at least £150 to cover it all, more if you take them to the cinema. Wear scuffed up clothes take some other peoples kids with you also and you'll get more.
3. Invite your mum down for the day, she will make cakes with them, play bored games (yes that's spelt correctly) and she will even take home your washing if your lucky ;0)
4. Put the clocks back one evening, they will never know and you will get an early night ;0)
5. Its the Easter holidays and that is good because you can use (the Easter bunny wont come) black mail tactic all week!!
6. Visit all of your friends houses, this way your own doesn't get messy!
7. Make one day in to a competition, who can tidy up their rooms the quickest, who can sweep the patio the quickest, who can feed all of the pets the quickest, etc etc make sure you have lots of coffee in on this day its thirsty work being an adjudicator
8. Buy a trampoline, the kids might like it too
9. Go in to town Buy some spring flowers and give them some spades, they love worms and mud and you get the garden weeded.
10. Finally Hide and seek is a very good game if you are the counter ;0)
Until next time ................................
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