Dead canary's crushed horses & karma. confessions of a mentalist :0/

Hey how are you campas?
       Well things have been a bit weird here. :0/ weirder than normal in fact and that's why i have come to a very serious decision about my life. looking back things undoubtedly do just happen to me! I have demonstrated that by way of this blog for the last year or so.
    So i have decided to wipe the slate clean and confess to all of the bad things that i have done and start over again :o/ in the hope that i can become a 'normal' person.
The last straw!
Last week i erupted! i erupted in a rash of blisters. I can only describe this rash as a Dickensian small pox  type entity which started popping out on my fingers i could also feel each one exploding and as each one popped up my face contorted a little further in disgust. By the end of the day my hands arms and chest was covered in the stuff there was actually no skin in between the little suckers. By this time my face had contorted so far in disbelief that it was up the road and round the corner.
 By Tuesday i resembled something off of horrible history's it was now on my face creating a red itchy beard. I urgently took myself to the doctors. He called me in and i explained to him that i had indeed caught the plague :0/ he sat back in his chair and just stared at me agreeing that it truly was a mess. Apparently i had a very good specimen of a scar which the blisters had attacked , the student doctor was very impressed by this.

         The doctor though he had many theory's didn't really have a clue what it was but gave me some steroids and antihistamine, i was ordered to go back and see him in a few days. Upon my return following a weekend of carrying a bell about and shouting unclean as i walked through the streets he told me that i was in fact allergic to the sun!!!! wtf???? Polymorphous light eruption is its proper name :0/ 
And so it was for this reason that i have decided to ask forgiveness and to say sorry for all of the naughty things wot i have done :0/ I mean if you believe in Karma and become allergic to the sun it makes you think :0/

    (another quick reason before i start)  Yesterday i had a small party on my veranda, it was a hot sunny day and the Olympic torch was passing, i had about 30 people over, music food beer you know all of the things. 
My factor 50 was slapped all over me and as the Olympic convoy went passed they all beeped as we all cheered, that bit was ok and then bubba 4 started screaming, she was tired and when shes tired shes angry, just like the hulk you wouldn't like her when shes angry :0/ She was very loud and no one could here the music anymore, then a fight broke out on the trampoline and there was blood, most people left after that :0/ I love parties and that one was a disaster. 

My theory was that the karma was working again and that if i made my confessions now that everything would be sorted by my birthday BBQ in a few weeks.

           Ok so where to i start its like a mine field of unexploded bombs :0/ 

Ive only ever told my sister this stuff So we shall start with her as the subject.

            Dear mum and dad  erm you know when she was 3 and she cut open her chin on the step? and dad nearly had a heart attack? and we all had to race to casualty in the car? ...... Well you know the path was very bumpy? and she went down it at 100 mph in her yellow car that she made the mud pies in? 
well i was erm running behind it :0/ i mean i didn't mean to let it go at top speed like that,  its just that i had an unexpected flip flop incident, I never dreamed that she would hit that stone like that and certainly did not think she would fly that high :0/ 

It was an accident... i just didn't own up to it :0/  and when the doctor said does she have a jet powered engine in that car of hers as he put in the butterfly stitches i thought to myself yes she does .....me :0/

so after nearly 30 years im sorry about that :0/

          Not only does she have a scar underneath her chin she also has a heart shaped one on her knee which i should apologies for. I know it was 3 years ago sis but i should have never encouraged you to dance with me on top of that wall like that :0/ it was silly and immature of me and im sorry. Strange though that the big bloody graze was red and heart shaped being valentines night and all that ........ Quite amazing.

        Whilst im talking about scars i would also like to apologies to my best friend of 30 years fizzer. For the fact that she will never be able to use her thumb properly ever again :0/ If i had known what was going to happen i would have never participated in the drinking of that much wine on a Sunday lunch time :0/
 How was i to know that in a drunken stupor you would break that very big wine glass whilst washing it up in the sink and sever your tendon :0/ 
Im sure that the small operation and the 6 weeks in that contraption were very uncomfortable and i just hope you can forgive me. 
I would also like to confess and apologies to your husbands parents for spilling Raki over their french polished dining room table :0/ who would have thought it would have bleached it like that? 

       Whilst im on the subject of fizzer and my parents i would also like to confess that when we were young and she stayed over we used to put balloons in our beds and sneak out of the house to go to parties :0/  We also used to nick drink from your drinks cabinate and also talked to boys .......  :0/ 

        To mum and dad again i would like to apologies for the time that i accidently dropped my little brother in that rose bush :0/ he was a very wriggelly little fellow, the confession i follow this one with is really quite bad looking back,...... 
You know he had no front teeth for about 18 months? well that's because i erm pulled them out for him :0/ they were wobbely though ! and my friend Sharon Goodship said it was alright.  He did wobble out one of mine too but im sorry that he looked that way in all of those wedding photos and that you were worried he had no big teeth ... they were just too scared to come through:0/.

       Mmmmm Another confession i have is the day of the cream / rashed up face incident when i was 10 
Well you know i blamed it on my cousin and said he put some cream on my face and you rang up his mum  and she told him off  for lying AND putting stuff on my face ? :0/ 
well em he was right he had nothing to do with it it just happened we had been to their house that day. :0/ 
what really happened was that i nicked the oil of olay when it was called oil of ulay out of the bathroom cabinate and put it on my own face :0/ that was the first time i realised i was allergic to it ! and i still am ....... Just like the sun :0/

            And erm you know the day when you and dad got home from work and you 

thought someone had crowbarred the patio doors? and you called the police? cause you thought it was a burglar? ....... erm that was me too :0( 

           I'm also sorry that i hoovered up a bottle of milk when you were on holiday when i was 17. I didnt realise that it would stink of cheese every time you vacumed for about 6 months :0( and im also sorry that when you had finally had enough of the smell and you got a new hoover that i hoovered up a broken bottle of tomato sauce instead of cleaning it up properly :0/ 

          

           

     

 Oh god this one is probably the worst confession. deep breath.........
 Remember Dickie? the yellow canary what mum had for her 21st birthday?  well i feel that i may have unintentionally killed him :0/ 
It was the day when Darren threw that purse at my head for being annoying then i made it worse and fighted him. Well i got put in the dining room for being naughty. In there i got really bored ........ Dad was shouting what are you doing cos i was being really noisy, well erm i was doing cartwheels (thats not what killed him) After that i was playing with scissors and managed to have a bit of an accident and there was blood, i got told off for that too. 

          Well this was the day i decided to put that little yellow furry toy i had called fing (See photo below he has a little less hair nowadays) on top of the cage, im not really sure why but looking back to an old canary he may have looked like a predetor or another dead canary. Afew hours later Dicky had fallen off of his perch and died :0( Fing has lived with me ever since and so has this guilt. He is  though completely unaware that he is probably a murderer i thought it was better that way.

Thats the last confession to you both oh apart from that time when dad had a parking ticket for being in the cherbourge ferry queue when we went on holiday to swannage..........................
 It was the anger in his face which put me off of confessing at the time :0/ I mean it was bright red and looked very scary, i agree i was 25 years old and shouldn't have really beeen afraid but you spent so long in the police station that day :0/ 
Im just glad his blood pressure was ok then because i heard that the people of swannage could hear him ranting about the £50 ticket on the beach :0/ I would also like to apologies to the swanage constabulary for my parents wasting so much of your time that day and would  like to thank you for taking the time to show it to one of your CID officers who was also puzzled by it. Kind of worryinng it took his superior to notice that it said property of toy town on the bottom :0/

Lastly im sorry you had to pay out about 10 grand for my first wedding when i ended up marrying the best man after a year :0/ may be i should have just stood in a different place on the photos :0( 

         Bloody hell i keep remembering things. The fake parking ticket was not the first time i offended with joke shop material. Im sorry too to my cousin from Suffolk, i didn't realise that you would drink the entire half pint of that fart powder, I thought you would only have a small sip i'd also put 2 packs in. It was just the look upon your face really when you were leaving to take the 4 hour journey back home that made me feel a bit sorry for you, i can only imagine what that was like.

        While im doing suffolk confessions i would also like to confess and apologies to my aunt and uncle for popping all of your wall paper bubbles in the toilet! i was addicted to it and i couldn't help pressing them in every time i came down :0(  
Im also sorry to  my other cousin for being such a miserable bridesmaid on your wedding day :0( It was the bridesmaids dress i wasn't too keen on wearing it :0/ So i apologies for ruining your wedding photos with my miserable face :0( on that the happiest day of your life :0/

        Right its on to friends now.
 I was once entrusted to look after my friends antique carousel whilst she moved. It was handed down to her daughter. It had beautifully carved hand painted horses and i think was worth quite a few pounds in fact i know it was worth more than quite a few pounds. :0/ 
The Beautiful horses danced round when you wound it up and music played prettily :0/ well until i had it within my charge :0/ you have to understand that i had a lot on my mind that day, mainly the best man from my wedding :0/ 
Although full of good intentions this day was to take a a twisted and sinister turn much to my disadvantage. I put ths said antique carousel behind the car as it was on the way to its new destination. packing up the car with other items leaving the fragile carousel to last i hastily got in to the drivers seat and reversed off of the drive.
It was then that i heard the hideous crunching sound, i mean you would expect a bit of crunch on the gravel drive but this crunch was a bit offensive.

           I knew immediately what had happened and my blood ran cold with (oh shitness wtf have i done now worry's) I pulled the car back forward and cringed as the crunching noise repeated itself backwards. 
Yes campas i had indeed reversed over the antique carousel . I didn't really want to see what i had done but had no choice as it was there all flat and squashed behind the back wheel of the car :0/
 I scraped it out of the gravel and looked desperately at the flattened horses, i still have vivid pictures in my mind especially of the springs which occasionally popped up making plinky plonky noises, the odd loud boing was quite alarming. 
The thing was no good anymore. Unfortunately irreparable it sadly was put in to the bottom of my bin. 
I kind of avoided the question of when the hell will you bring the  carousel back for years. So im sorry about that but it was yet another unfortunate accident :0/

            Random apologies now go to the lady who bought our first house, i failed to tell you that the garage doubled up as  a shower when it rained and that the porch roof was boshed together with  various sticky patches and im unsure as to what type of bug it was that lived under the kitchen floor boards :0/

         Im also sorry to the lady who bought our second house, to be honest though it was not really my fault that the dog dug a hole that big in the garden but im sorry i just covered it up and left it along with that terrible bit of cut out floor underneath the big fridge:0/

          To the man whose truck i sat underneath along the cainscross road in 2004 at the traffic lights. Look i obviously thought the traffic was still moving!! and as you know there were many witnesses to this fact, its the busiest road in town at 8.40 in the morning.
 At the moment of impact when i rammed my new car underneath your truck you really should have got out and confronted me!! i mean it was quite loud. The dirty look you gave me in your wing mirror probably was not enough! If its any consolation my 3 day old car had a knackered bumper and bonnet. Boy 40 was not impressed to see the perfect cut out hole of a tow bar in the front of it :0/ :0( and how embarrassing do you think it was when i had to wait for the traffic to move before i could reverse back out?. Have you ever sat under a truck like that? for approximately 3 minutes and 45 seconds ? with all of the pedestrians staring at you ? sat under a truck? with your kids going mum were you supposed to be looking up that other road? :o/ well i tell you what Mr truck driver that was punishment enough! And i do hope for my sake that i never end up under your under carriage again.
         Another car incident would be another apology to my sister (its hard being related to me) but sis im sorry that i crashed your brand new car and wrecked the side of the door like that :0/ That big concrete post should never have been there.
         I would like also to make a confession to Boy 40 who sponsored me £15 pound's about 20 years ago to row a bath across a lake in south cerney .... erm well i never did it :0/
        Whilst im here i would too like to apologies for being sick all over your best trainers when i was 17. I only discovered last week that your mum threw them away and i feel a bit guilty about that :0/

        To my friends i never owned 5 horses and although my cousin is called Cheryl Baker she was at no time in bucks fizz :0/
        And im sorry to my friend Hanna's dad for falling out of his caravan window and breaking it :0/
 Well im out of time on the confession front the rest will have to stay hidden, i will either get struck by a bolt of lightening now or i will win the lottery. I am hoping it will be the second. 
This should be called the marmite blog because you will either love me or hate me now :0/ i wonder if my friends list will go down? :0/
       Just a few other exciting things to happen before i go. This week i discovered that i share a birthday with the fattest man in the world!! Following that discovery i returned my fat kylie arse to the gym after 1 whole year of not going. It soon became clear though that i was still as annoying as ever when i tripped over the wet paint sign in to the wet paint, i also got my thumb stuck up a pot in Wilkinsons this week which my mum thought was hilarious.
         I hope readers that you will forgive me for all of my misfortunes because clearly they were not my fault.
Now i have told the world of my guilt i may be able to leave insomniac island and sleep at night. Who knows or dares to dream.


Until next time Campas x

Whoops i appear to have turned myself in to Tiffany :0/

...................That's not something beautiful like a Tiffany lamp or decorative piece oh no. I mean Tiffany the popstar off of the 80's :0/ you know the song 'I think we're alone now' ??
Well sadly i am not alone (hello readers by the way)
As i write to you today i am bouncing bubba 4 in her chair with my foot, child 2 is on a nebuliser because she is unwell, The boy child is making a cartoon called ' Te ventures of louis because he is mad, :0$  Child 3 is making a concoction in the kitchen with flowers mud and rabbit food and i am fully expecting her to arrive with it any minute and make me drink it :0/
 The dog is wandering about like a mad elephant because she needs a walk, the cat is crying to come in the window because she is hungry, the guinea pigs are trotting around in their own dirt because they need cleaning, the other cat is balanced at the top of the open window cursing at her offspring below because she is evil, the fridge is making beeping noises because someone has left it open, the postman is knocking the door because he is annoying, the rabbit is thumping her feet because she probably wants the guinea pigs to shut the ..... up, the hamster is dead and remains dead.
 The fish are swimming about in green water because i largely ignore them and as for me well im feeling a bit bored. Oh and boy 40, well he is no where to be seen!
         Welcome to Saturday morning at my house.
Boy 40 promised he would be back by 12 it is currently 1 p.m obviously he would prefer to stay at work bashing down walls instead of sharing in the Saturday morning excitement of our home :0/
          I t was boredom i have to thank for the Tiffany mistake. My hair is as you probably know is very curly. On a good day i look like a gonk (a badly made 70's toy on a stick) and on a bad day i look like Worzel Gummige. :0/
One day about 12 years ago,  before i became mother to so many things me boy 40 and our friends were on a trip to the races at Ascot.
On this day my hair looked unusually lovely and mermaid like, a bit like myself before life took its toll, it was then that a  posh man came up to me as many did in those days and said  'Wow who does your hair??' In my reply i lied to that man because i have only been to the hairdressers once in my life and i told him Nicky Clarke :0/   Today if that man asked 'wow who does your hair?' i would firstly have to presume he was quite mad and  secondly i would have to answer 'The council'.
It my hair is precisely 47 cm long  i know that because i have just measured it. Periodically in a mad moment i will put it in a scrunchy and chop off 6 inches although on the day in question i was not feeling this brave.
 I tell you what i was feeling, i was feeling old!! It was then that i had the stupid idea of cutting me a fringe :0/ The last time i did that i looked 10 years younger, and indeed i was ten years younger.
Although i am nearly 40 AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH i hate admitting  that it makes me choke!, inside i feel 16,...... its just the outside where i have the problems.
I never thought i would be 40 i mean obviously i would be one day but it always seemed so far away, like the moon. Now its precisely 1 year and 2 months away unlike the moon which is still as far away as ever :o/ Man its enough to make me cry i shall grow old so disgracefully ill be ashamed of myself :o/
             So bubba 4 was asleep as per usual. I stood in front of the large mirror in the hallway with the scissors in my hand, to many i may have looked like a murderer standing there with that look upon my face. and in many ways i was.
 I brushed down the front of my hair, my age then smacked me in the face once again this time quite literally. :0/ it was not as thick as it was the last time i did this maneuver  good lord i could see through it :0( before i had the chance to be depressed about lady baldness i noticed that some of it was also white!! white i tell you long white 47 cm hairs!! my day was getting worse. I proceeded to cut off about 30 cms all the way across! that's a whole rulers worth! ..............For Christs sake i could have tested it first, i could have quite easily folded up a fringe with the long hair and gripped it in place. But no im not as clever as that and now there was no going back, i was instantly transmogrified in to an 80's throw back chick :o/ i did look younger but i also looked like a right twat.
           To add to the idioticness of the whole incident I did not decide to do something this drastic at the weekend oh no i decided to do it 2 hours before i had to go out in public to pick up child 3 from school :o/ Looking down i realised i had on my big woolly jumper known as my Tiffany jumper (you know the one i set fire to that time :0/  )
I was Tiffany!
          I removed it immediately but still looked like a bad 80's replica and felt self conscious as i walked to the school. Response from my friends was quite good, they immediately noticed the Tiff cut and made many comments of how much younger i looked.
          Child 3 came out of school got on her bike and put on her helmet, it was then that she noticed me and her jaw dropped to the floor. 'Oh my god mum what have you done? where has your dangelly hair gone?....... you don't look like you ! (no i thought i look younger, my wrinkle's only appeared when i met you).
The theme of family comment was to stay the same the boy child thought i looked 'a bit 80's' child 2 just gave me a weird look and when boy 40 arrived home he immediately came over to me gave me the biggest hug he could ever give and said 'Your hair is different are you ok?' like id had some kind of break down :0/
           That evening as i walked passed the chip shop window i checked myself out in the reflection, my face looked really fat boy 40 agreed that the long ringletts i chopped of were a bit more sexy than the Tiff fringe and so i have ditched the fringe and have filed it away somewhere with the other mistakes that i have made in my life including that car called Sharon :0/  With a lot of hair spray i can glue it to the rest of the long stuff which is fine until it rains :0/ .......And then i look like johnny Rotten :0/
           I have been blaming many things on having a baby brain, its a good excuse i find but could be wearing a little thin, i may start blaming my age, yeah my age mixed with baby brain mixed with being slightly dim! that should give people reason to make allowances like when i text facebook private texts which should go to family members, luckily i do actually know all of my facebook friends so they fully understood when the message 'teas gone tits up im going to maccie dees'  arrived. as a status update.
 Teas gone tits up quite a lot recently :0/ I had 10 people for Sunday lunch the other week imagine my horror when i saw this in the oven :o/ .........Their pudding !!

It was supposed to be a crumble but it had no crumbelly bits they had some how all sunk :0/ Bless my dad he said he liked it that way :o/ but we all knew he thought it looked like vomit just like the rest of them :0/ 

I was also horrified to discover that Tesco have stopped selling the beef stroganoff packet mix!!! Boy 40

loves that delightful meal that i cook him, he is impressed that i know how to make it for a start.

 What do ya fancy for tea? i asked him one morning before work, Beef stroganoff would be nice he said. Shit i had already discovered that Tesco had stopped selling it and was all of a panic i have no bloody idea whats in it i just mix it up with half a pint of semi skimmed milk!! I searched many supermarkets and finally found it in sainsburys, quickly purchasing it i legged it home fast and got away with it for the hundredth time of cooking :0/ You might be thinking oh my god what if boy 40 reads this blog :0/ well he doesn't, hes not remotely interested in it, he feels that it is bad enough the first time round without having to re live it :0/

That night i was busy  painting this years country show poster and  so let child 3 do the online shopping for the week. Right or wrong im not sure she ordered everything i wanted which was great but i also ended up with a 6 pack of frazzles enough Haribo to sink a battle ship and an Alvin and the chipmunks DVD.

The show poster i mentioned was taking a hideously long time, i do this artwork every year, this year 

i am on maternity leave but have done it as a favour most of it has been painted with one hand whilst dancing about singing and entertaining bubba 4 in the other :o/ When i was taking the instructions from the country show organisers i also was balancing many different things in my already full head these are my notes :0/ 

So there i am i need to put together a poster this is very difficult work at the best of times without a small baby balancing on your person. I look at my notes right the first thing to go in would be the queens jublees :o/ im sure that would get me hung ? secondly Charles dick who's Bi apparently :o/ Limp rings is just too much to bear surely this list taken at face value would get me fired off the job forever ! :0/ Local bears ?? i was not aware we had any :o/ and a hor tent? Omfg. why do i do this ? i take down a load of short hand crap and always think i will remember what the hell it means :o( 

Of course eventually i worked it all out to be the Queens jubilee, Charles Dickens Bicentenary, Olympic rings, local beer and a horticultural tent!!! thank god for that!Any way enough of me im really boring.

               Child 3 this week has im afraid to say started Karate  I felt sorry for boy 40 who had to take her there, we had many practice attempts before she went out and many things got dented :0( shes wanted to do karate since she was 3 and so far i have managed to steer her away from it :0/, i am happy to report though that she decided to do a sponsered silence in the easter holidays and for that we were all glad, she stayed silent up until the point in Hobby craft when she had that little falling out with the old lady :0( 

To be fair to her the old lady and her friend should probably have not been walking that close to the small button and needle work stand :o/ i do agree though that child three probably should have not upon their excuse me's whispered really loudly to me ' mum they told me off !! i couldn't ask them to move im not allowed to talk to strangers .........and they are strange :0/  It was the fluffy material you see shes blinded by things like that and is drawn to them, its just not my fault that she sees no other living thing and tends to move forward very quickly like a buffalo :0/ It was in the same week that she offended another old lady in waitrose

she was only trying to help!! Only when the cashier put half of my stuff through with the old ladies because child 3 had added my shopping but not put a 'next customer' sign up the old lady who to be fair was very posh and had no manners started tutting and spiting venomous words under her breath. Child 3 at this point

looked a bit afraid and so was i to be quite frank. 

Following the old lady incident we popped up to see the kids nanny and grampy just to reassure ourselves that old people were not all bad ;0)  My mobile started ringing as we sat there and i casually pulled the land line phone out of my nappy changing bag :0/ i mean i know my mobile isn't as new and fandangelled as it could be but it is not as large as a brick :0/ They all understood what an idiot i am and we left just before 5 because whilst packing the land line in to my changing bag i had forgotten to pack a nappy :0( Well apart from bubba 4 gassing out a public house with her foul smellin nappy last weekend not a lot more has happened, Child 2 is quite poorly with a chest infection but im not allowed to talk about her because she says shes not a comedy show :0/ I will just say though it was rather funny last Wednesday night when she decided to leave home, mainly because child 3 was getting on her nerves  all she was taking was a hula hoop and a pink guitar ? in the end though she came back in she only got as far as the porch when she decided to go the following morning because it was raining :0/ then she got ill so the hula hoop and guitar are still stood by the door. The boy child has not been up to much but he did spend 20 pounds of my money last week on a batman mask :0/ Anyway thats it im off ill just leave you with a little Tribute song to Tiffany wot i wrote when i was her.

Toodle pip xxxx