Friday 3 February 2012

Return of the PMT. & Does my bum look big in this? ...... Well Frankly yes it does

Hello
I’m sat in the car so I thought id make a start on the blog, I’m kind of finding blogging hard at the mo so please be grateful for this next crap instalment of my life.
I'm texting it with one hand bubba 4 is on my lap, my other hand is holding a dummy in her mouth whilst my knee goes up and down very fast, I find my knee doing this even when im not holding her, people must think I have a nervous tic and I often rock when I'm alone....... but I’ve always done that :0/
I appear to have made another mistake, I am sat outside my friends house who currently is not at home :0/Had I listened to my answer phone messages I would have stayed at home until she was in :0/
Well life has been eventful that’s for sure, I am finding that I need to do things very fast and with one hand most of the time. Since Daddy mummy went back to work my house has looked like a terrorist attack, he has had to rush home like bat man on many occasions to rescue me...... I'm not really sure how I coped 3 times before??
Boy 40 is currently my hero he has been amazing, and I have been, well quite crap really. Cooking experiences have not improved. Daddy mummy has thankfully been the main cooker which is good. …........Its nice here in the car actually, a bit smelly but nice, a change of scenery although I am getting weird looks off of my friends neighbours, im worried they may call the police. Oh god I have to go I have just dropped the dummy on the floor :o/
Hey its me again I'm back, although its one week later! I can see this is going to take a while.
Today I write again with one hand, I haven’t been to well over the last few days and neither has bubba 4 Daddy mummy has had to step in again.
I attempted to go out on Saturday night, it was a complete disaster, I made the effort because it was a big birthday meal to celebrate my best friends 40th it was also the birthdays of 3 other friends, I realised about an hour after I arrived that I was not ready to be integrated back in to society, it is good that I have known these friends for 20 years as my emotional out bursts of I want to go home, do you think she's ok? baby separation anxiety spool could have been alarming for those who do not know me quite so well :0/
The waiter should have said a table for 9 and one mentalist when we arrived. we were home by 10.30 and very happy to see bubba 4 I’m probably never going out again :0/
Child 3 has finally found peace of mind in the fact that she is officially now the 'only child' and this is what she gladly wrote on the birthday card of child 2 who is now a teenager :0/
Cleverly worked out you have to agree! Bubber 4 is a baby 1 and 2 are teenagers thus leaving her as the 'Only child'. This has only taken about 10 months for her brain to come up with but we are all glad and can breathe a sigh of relief...... She’s still jealous though :0/
The other day she told her friends mum that we had the Health inspector coming :0/ I mean I know my cooking’s crap but the kitchen is clean. Sometimes ;0) of course she meant the health visitor but found it very funny when I explained the difference between the two and now she tells everyone. I wondered the other night if the nerf dart gun was a good idea for child 3 for Christmas, Boy child's poor girlfriend looked genuine terrified as child 3 rolled in on her roller boots and took shots at them both :0/ The sound of the roller boots on the wooden floor resembled world war 2 sirens. She’s fast ill give her that for a learner and her shot is very accurate. It was worrying though when she took her walkie talkies outside along with the nerf dart gun, she was playing ninjas with the passing public, I'm not sure they were willingly participating in the game though :0/
I was impressed last Tuesday by her quick thinking, we popped to the local shop after school. upon reaching the counter I discover I did not have enough change. She looked at the shop keeper and said “can we trade?” I’m not entirely sure what she wanted to trade probably my baby for a newspaper knowing her. The shop keeper was not having any of it though so we purchased the most imprtant things (sweets and chocolate ) and went home.
That evening it was kind of nice and quiet around the bed time hour. Child 3 was nowhere to be seen. We Wondered after a while if we should let on that we all actually knew that she was behind the living room door and not in bed ? Everyone knew she was there and we all tried our hardest not to laugh as the door occasionally moved and got pulled back to the wall.
After a while we realised that she would in fact stand there all night so decided to foil her cunning plan. Teeth cleaning was eventful that night I'm not sure what child 2 did but the words from child 3 of ' MY GOD YOU GREAT BIG BIG FLUMPING IDIOT' were loud as they reached our ears 2 floors below. This was the second time I heard child 3 shout loudly on this day, the first was when she hit a drain on her scooter on the way back from school and flew through the air with magnificent style, before hitting the ground. Apparently it was a 'stunt'. She said this as she shockingly staggered up from the ground in surprise. It was very authentic. I told her she should be in films.
I spent some time on the open road with my car Trixy bell on the wednesday. She’s going soon you see to make way for a car big enough to fit us all in, I felt a lot like Mr Toad, I drove fast and had the stereo up loud, I was a normal human being for a while. To tell you the truth I am finding it difficult to let her go. I mean what sort of duffer would swap a lovely Toyota with silver trim surround sound system, 0 to 300 in 3 seconds interior extras with spangling twinke lights on the doors for a people carrier called Sharon?? …..... me apparently.
Poor child 2 has been unwell again her temperature of 39.4 was quite alarming last friday night I spent most of that weekend terrified. Thankfully she’s better again now. She has kindly made me a swear box, you must have noticed I have not sworn yet? Well the b****rring F***** thing is full up already and I am not surprised!! These are reasons why I swear. Child 2 was off of school for a week last week due to the said horrible virus, being a scatty idiot I had forgotten to register child 4's birth. This particular day was the last day to do it. Running about like a manic I did physio medicines fed bubba 4 winded her fed the pets got small person 3 to school before all that and generally had a nervous break down just trying to leave the house, child 2 was quite ill and looked as pale as a snow man, I dressed them up to Michelin man proportions and got them in the car, I'm still struggling with that baby seat and spent 10 minutes swearing my head off, as the seat belt again and again refused to go round it. Child 2 was not impressed by my language and clocked up a tidy sum of money. By now I was wearing a T-shirt my outer garments and jumper were slung on the drive as I sweated in a stressed state of panic. I was 5 minutes later than the appointment already and could swear that I had pmt coming on. I raced like a deranged bufoon to the registry office parking on the road and carting the baby seat and child 2 up the hill, thank god I was just wearing a T-shirt I was now about to explode. I got there and wondered why the hell I did not park in the car park??? why I do these things ill never know. Bashing the seat myself and child 2 through the door I must have looked insane, but this was ok because 'no one' was there ' :0/ it suddenly dawned on me that I was in fact an hour early :0( fec!
I sat down feeling very angry with myself it was a good job child 2 and her swear box could not hear the voices in my head they were coming out with some hideously disgusting language. Feeling the onset definite pre mentstrelness I was not happy when someone else also arrived, her appointment was obviously well before mine....... Was this the most disgusting woman on the planet??? yes I think it was . my anger was very well controlled as she started crunching crisps, it was the loudest crunching of crisps I had ever heard. Boy 40 has been growled at for much less than that I can tell you, not only crunching but spitting there were crisp crumbs every where I was furious. Then she went in. When another rather posh lady came to get me for my appointment she was faced with a crisp explosion a Michelin snow man who looked like something off of dickens and me, a crazy mentalist in a T-shirt with a foul look upon her face. Well that was that and now bubba 4 officially exists.
I arrived at school last Monday in a state of bewilderment it was a typical Monday morning, the swear box indeed had another bashing on this day, child 2 says the proceeds will go to a homeless charity, bloody hell all of the homeless in the UK will be living in Buckingham palace by next Friday :0/
no glasses no hearing aids, child 3 had developed dreadlocks, child 2 had managed to get tangled up in a reel of black cotton? It was all over the house and attached to her clothes in many ways, how she did it I'm unsure but am still having flash backs to trying to untangle it all as her friends were walking up the path to collect her.
The cat had pooed beside the litter tray. Boy child had missed his bus bubba 4 had wind and I realised that I had ordered much needed shopping for the following week by mistake :0/ The dog was barking which wound me up even more' WHATS THAT DOG BURPING AT??' I shouted in full blown Freudian slipster speech. child 3 also was wearing the wrong trousers again and was not that happy about it.
Will things ever be any different? I think not yesterday I completely messed up the vat and submitted some complete load of shite of which the inland revenue will not understand in a million years, I then broke my best nail and tipped milk all over the cat......... stupid little git shouldn’t have been trying to get in the fridge.
I have still got a massive arse and do not know when my kylie arse will return, everyone keeps saying ah don’t worry about it she’s only 6 weeks old!! 6 weeks is long enough when you have an arse as fat as mine!.
Well happy friday everyone I'm off to wash bottles try and squeeze in to some size 10's and spend the day watching trashy day time TV

Adios I mean goodbye grr those Freudian slips

P.S my attempt at cooking this week :0/