Starter motors, Lumps and Horse Flys :0/

So whats happened since we last spoke? ......... Well what hasn't bloody happened since we last spoke?, I'm unsure where abouts to start really, its all merged in to one long unfortunate nightmare.
             It all started Last Monday  when a photo of me appeared on facebook at my friends wedding :0/ i didn't realise that i look 'that' fat already........... This time, the '4th' time i was determined i was going to look gorgeous and fit with a bump at the front, a bit like Nenah Cherry off of the 80's.
I am afraid i to say that i look more like Susan Boyle :0(  Susan Boyle with added big FAT hamster cheeks. They always  appear on my face at a certain weight. Making my smiles look like the 'My names chubby' poem kids do when they are squeezing they're cheeks together at school, remember the one ??............ yak.
I don't want to smile much at the moment anyway so i shouldn't be too worried.
1 stone in weight gained already!! I'm so vain i can't help it and i know that is a really bad quality to have, but its the only bad one i do have, so i forgive myself ;0) I don't know what a girl is supposed to do? and i certainly regret eating all of that monster munch :0(  I used to be a gymnast and bloody good at it i was too, wot the hell has happened??
:0(
          Apart from being fat and unattractive i still feel sick tired and actually fainted last Sunday, which was not pleasant i can tell you.............
        And apart from that, The dreaded MRI scan for child 2 was also in this week. The consultant feels she may need surgery on her spine and so booked her in for an MRI quite some months ago, child 2 is actually phobic towards any kind of hospital investigation now and so i knew this would prove difficult.
Its not her fault really i could tell you many horror stories of past hospital experiences, just one being the time a 20 stone nurse pinned her to the floor and forced medicine down her throat :0( ....... she was 3 and had just been suffering double pneumonia. So imagine 12 years of terrifying hospital crap for my poor little lady and you can completely understand her reluctance. I told him this but they just don't understand, after much battling convincing, and a phone call from child 2's GP (Who knows exactly what shes like) i rearranged for the appointment to be done at a local hospital instead of a massive 'un known' to child 2 one. Fortunately My good friend off of next door is a radiographer who works there so i thought 'perfect' She and daddy are our best chance of getting anywhere with it at all.
              Far from perfect this turned out to be, they managed to get her in to the scanner, and did their very best to keep her calm but then world war 3  erupted, it all kicked off and that was the end of that............. I could tell the consultant i told you so but they really wouldn't listen. So now it looks like a general anesthetic and a day as an in patient at the said unknown hospital.......... Bloody marvelous.
            The following day i decided to have a Chinese Ban 'quet' at my house and invited my sister, my Mr sister and the family, a birthday celebration for the next day, a good idea of mine 'at the time' which i knew was going to go wrong when i dropped the telephone on my nose (i was asleep it rang, i picked it up and miss co-ordinated its direction.) this was 5 minutes before Chinese cooking time was to commence,  not an ideal start.
 I broke the seal on the oven the grill fell on my foot and then i over cooked the crispy won tons, which i suppose were 'crispy' as in their name description but were also black :0/ To top this all off the horrendous E numbers in the orange food i consumed meant i spent the ENTIRE night on insomniac Island :0(
       
              Then it was my birthday, Well i woke up after 5 minutes sleep miserable as usual. (poor boy 40 he made massive efforts, he's the most lovely person Ive ever met but if you've had pmt for months there is not much anyone can do)
 I had very many lovely presents, my friend off of next door took all of my crappy hanging baskets away from my back garden and i came home to 6 new beautiful ones hung up and full of flowers, i had at least 50 happy birthday messages on line and as many more texts, i haven't counted all of the lovely cards because i would probably fall asleep from the repetitive counting action. I am still though over whelmed by the amount of gorgeous friends i have and most of them I've had for a very long time. That made me smile :0)
           I was taken out to luncheon by Child 1, 2, 3 and boy 40. To my most favorite place to lunch, i wore my new lovely sandals, town was buzzing the sun was shining there was a festival party feel to the whole place with processions samba bands etc etc (lovely) i love my town and its occupants and so it was a perfect day for it.
         So what did i do?? i felt so ill we had lunch went back to the car and went home, where i slept for most of the afternoon :0( ......... that's a first on my birthday which normally has a build up of 3 months and lasts 3 days. I got my sorry self ready and we met up with some friends for a meal that evening. Nothing ever runs smoothly when you are feeling crap, and whilst everyone was busily chatting about how shite that particular restaurant was, telling horror stories on food poisoning and hairs in the food i was taking a phone call. A phone call from Sponge bob and Patrick aka the kids Nan and gramps, it was bed time you see and child 3's Numanum ( an old dummy chewed around the edges) was missing from the over night bag. Well that's smashing, i was waiting for my 'shite' meal to arrive and now had the problem of getting the numanum (which she will NOT go to sleep without) to Nanny's house from mine, a round trip of about 12 miles there and back :0(  Thanks to the high ways who shut a road straight to my house from said restaurant just to piss me off :0(
           Happy fecin birthday i muttered under my breath............ my dad, who was on the end of the phone could see at this point that i was not in the best of moods so decided to drive himself to the shite restaurant pick up my key, drive to my house find it and take it to the 'numanum pwincess' (child 3) who was now deeply upset at the thought of a night without it.
          Key passed over, Grampy and child 1 proceeded to my house but couldn't find it, meanwhile my shite meal had arrived and it was indeed shite. Updated by way of telephone i was dismayed to hear the news and nearly choked upon my burnt nan bread :0( It was decided child 3 would now have to accompany them back to my house for another look :0( she hides it you see if anyone comes round. Hurrahh they eventually find it and all is well again........... I'm knacked by now i did have a lovely time by the way and actually laughed with my bezzers a lot but then the tiredness took over again and i didn't appreciate the walk to the local pub of the place for a drink.
I then drove everyone home and arrived at Nanny's to pick up the wandering house key in the small hours. It was then that the night took an unexpected turn, i 'had' the key in my hand when i collected it, but when i got home i did not, it was gone :0( it was cold. Boy 40 searched in the gravel for it, i had lots of gift bags full of pressies so sat upon the cold steps and admired them while he searched further, in the bags i had lovely posh chocolates, some gorgeous smelly things jewellery nail varnish and a rather spiffing pair of designer pajamas from my friend Sezza, well at this point the bin store looked very appealing, if it wasn't so cold and the smell didn't turn my stomach i would have happily crept in there and gone to bed.
             Finally he found it and we were in.................... Sunday was a right off.
             Monday morning i surpassed myself with incompetence, we had No bread , no milk, no swimming stuff, no tooth fairy (again) and a new one for me today on this crappy Monday morning............ wet uniforms!! Child 3 was extremely upset by the tooth fairy who was again a no show, shes got previous, sometimes she leaves the tooth and the money, sometimes she leaves 2 sets of money and once she even dropped the tooth on the stairs :0( what a waste of space for a fairy.
So there i was at 8.30 drying the last of the wet ness off of the cuffs of the jumpers, of course we had no hearing aids no glasses and no shoes as usual.
          Tuesday evening was interesting, i caught child 3 hiding under the steps, "what are you doing down there?" i asked her, Child 2 blurts out, "Well she is shooting people on their bikes with her super soaker", and its true she was, from up high she had a perfect aim and it turns out many people had had a soaking
:0( she was hiding because she thought that the old lady (who was riding very slow and so got wetter :0/  )  was on her way home to call the police. I said she probably would so child 3 put down her weapon for a while and came in for Tea. Whilst chatting at the tea table she predicted 10 years in to the future. Child 4 whom we have not met yet has been called 'Santas little helper' by child 3. any way apparently when Santa's little helper is 10, child 1 will be a doctor child 3 will be at university and child 2 will be out on the streets with a pot !? This did not please child 2 who is 'actually' going to be the priminister of England, and so she bashed her over the head with a cushion, this then started a bit of a scrap. All was not lost on this day though because Asbo cat and Graham her daughter shared there first meal together. its only been a year since Graham was born and Asbo her mother, beats her up at least twice a day so we all thought this refreshingly nice.
          I was puzzled to listen to a conversation upon this evening between child 2 and 3 whilst they were getting ready for bed. Child 3 was going " i hate Gracey, i wanted John" i listened closer, and apparently they were fighting over John Stape off of coronation streets Head!!! You see when you move classes in September you get new pegs, new pegs mean new name labels, they had been given magazines to cut stuff out of and stick on to decorate them. I'm not sure how decorating your name place with John Stapes murdering head is nice but they both wanted it, little weirdo's ! Gracey got it and child 3 had to make do with some guy from glee who she didn't like at all. Child 2 although they scrap a lot cares about child 3's problems and was trying to console her to her loss, ....... of head. Why don't we cut some other people out of mums magazines? she said kindly. " i wanted John though" child 3 huffed. Then child 2 in all seriousness looked at child 3 and said solemnly "people died so he could teach" ........... i nearly weeed myself laughing she has the timing of a comedy genius!
 I explained to child 3 that we cant always have what we wanted, i want a Mansion and a Mercedes midnight blue convertible, but i cant have one. Child 3 agreed and confessed she only wanted Jon stapes head cos Gracey had it, and she also hates Gracey because shes a better liar than her, i pointed out that that was not a good quality but i know she's probably a bit jealous of this new Gracey girl.
           So when is this boring blog going to end i hear you say, well not yet i have 2 more nightmare days in which to share with you. Bear with me its therapy.
          Some advise never ever let your car get a whiff that you have been to "we buy any car.com" it wont like it. My car Trixy Floss Slinker Bell Has NEVER in its life gone wrong, i was interested to see on this fateful morning what she was worth you know just out of interest. I go out everything is fine i come home. I come home to find a bloody fish sales man parked in the middle of my drive. So i sit there waiting for him to move. He shouts down I'M JUST DELIVERING SOME FISH DO YOU WANT ME TO MOVE IT????? my ass was he delivering fish he was cold calling all of our houses making a general pain in the arse of him and his fish load self. " YES I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR FISH!!" i shout back up to him, however he takes absolutely ages and i got in a strop leaving Trixy Bell on the side of the road, its a busy road and not good for getting a bouncy Labrador out of the car on. I huff through my front door giving the man and his fishy Friends a filthy look, i check my emails and the price had come through from 'we buy any car.com' Good god it was crap a tin of beans is worth more than that!! Half an hour later i got in Trixy to go get the kids and pop to up to Nanny's, i turn the key and nothing!! nothing at all.
           Boy 40 gets home and manages to bump start her to get her back off the road, great i thought may be it was just the battery (i once has the Rac out cos the car wouldn't go, i felt foolish when i realised it was because the kids had left the interior lights on all night) :0( anyway i presumed it was the same thing.
          The next day nothing again as dead as a doornail :0( This would have been OK and was OK until 6pm that evening when child 2 reveals a massive lump on the back of her calf the size of a plum. Its hot and its rock hard and there was no sign of a bite, i had no idea what it was and neither did my friend next door who is trained in all matters medical. I think she needs to see a doctor she said, i phone out of hours and indeed yes she needed to get to the hospital which was 2 miles away, i have no car!! :0( . Child 2 is a bit of an enigma and her insides are too, this made me double worried looking at her past history nothing surprises me anymore :0(
          Well to cut a long story short boy 40 eventually saved the day we got to the hospital and finally got home at gone 8 starving to death. So guess what it was then campas?, all that worry and stress?. A fecin Horse fly bite Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr shes now on a high dose of antibiotics for the week, nothing unusual there then :0(
          The next day a good friend of mine came and took Trixy floss away :0(    He bought her back the following day she spent the night at the garage and had a new starter motor fitted, i asked my friend if i could get a new starter motor as i really need one at the moment, but sadly they don't do Humans.
          Oh well so that's it another insight of my unfortunate life, to summaries I'm still tired sick and fat but am now also 220 quid down. Again i have not added my useful pull out guide for expectant Daddy's but i feel you all probably bored enough already. Ill save that little beauty for next week.

So until next time Campas wishing you all Happy thoughts , well someone Else may as well have them. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Asbo cat and her daughter Graham, having a meal probably nicer than the one i had at the Indian          

The Wrong Trousers

Erm hello faithful readers
I'm writing too soon i feel, you may not be ready for another crap update of my life,  my last blogett was not even a week ago, i am sorry to say though, i am about to have a breakdown :0/.
 I'm surrounded in complete chaos and have a million things to do, Insomniac Island was open all night last night and I'm very tired :0(
I'm mainly writing this now because no one is at home in which to moan about it to, and no friends seem to be  on the end of the telephone.
      After no sleep (again) i find myself at the start of it all at 8.36am this morning, (child 2 and 3 start school at 8.40), So its 8.36 am. We have no brush, no hearing aids, no asthma puffer, no glasses, no shoes, 1 wet jumper what was left in a swimming bag yesterday, No rucksack for school trip. Child 3's arms and hands are 50% covered in felt tips and paint from last night, her feet are also covered in paint from where she decided hand painting was not enough, .......socks just had to cover this up :0/
        I'm in a panic as you can imagine by this point and am really trying not to swear, scream and jump up and down stomping my feet like Rumpelstiltskin . I finally sort out these problems and then notice a hole in Child 3's trousers the size of New York city :0( ........ I run (fast) up the stairs for the hundredth time. child 3 is running behind me in her pants frantically brushing her hair. It was at this point that it all kicked off :0( the only trousers i could find were 'i thought' a very nice pair of school trousers, they have never been worn and have a nice silver heart hanging from the waist band.
They have never been worn because child 3 absolutely hates them. I really need Gok Wan in her life, he's the only one who will be able to understand her clothes crises. She is so particular about fashion, she will not wear pretty things, pink things or things which are not 'cut' in the right way. 'I CANT WEAR THE WRONG TROUSERS TO SCHOOL' she screamed absolutely flabbergasted that i had put them on her (she normally gets away with murder) 'THEY ARE WRONG THEY DON'T LAY ON MY SHOES RIGHT......... and that heart is really gay '
I can say at this point i felt for the little lady my mum once made me wear something i didn't want to, age seven, its a big thing (only mine was a tank top, a hideous 70's tank top, a bloody woolen tank top at that with all of the colour's of the rainbow on it) but as you can see I'm not bitter :0/
        Anyway we got in the car and rummaged about for her 'horrible' coat to go with her horrible trousers and we were off.
       I'm thinking of her right now actually and I'm feeling a bit guilty, at her school trip wearing the wrong trousers eating her marmite sandwiches with her little Sponge bob drink beside her :0( what a nasty mummy  i am :0( .......
      Number 4 i have to say is causing me problems already there's nothing wrong with the little fella / fellett i have pics this week, but getting to the scan was a bit frantic. I have decided though it may not just be the kids, every single time we all go out it is like 4 weddings and a funeral, each one of us is running about like a mad bonkers fruit cake. I'm the one swearing and boy 40 always decides to have a shower 2 minutes before we leave. He did it on this day, For an ultra sound scan one is required to drink 2 pints of water an hour before, this i have to say was like a bush tucker trial, it was coming out as fast as it was going in, by the time i reached the hospital it was unbearable. We were late as usual and there were no parking spaces boy 40 dropped me off and drove out of the hospital car park searching for spaces elsewhere, Then i saw him drive back in (4 cars had actually parked in this time). Now we were even more late, i thought id better not leave him and go in as he'd probably end up watching some old man getting his leg xrayed or something :0/ i ran up the hospital steps fast but we still have to wait, by now my bladder was fuller that it had ever been in its life and i was about to explode. I then had a text from my friend kindly asking after my full bladder in a sarcastic manner, upon explaining she advised me to dance like id never danced before? so i tried it in the waiting room but it didn't work. Then thank the lord she called us in, suddenly i realised i was still wearing my lovely silver dangelly belly button ring and so had to make boy 40 a human shield whilst i whipped it out whist running behind him and said radiographer. .................So now i have proof it is definitely a baby !!

he had his hands on his head for most of the time, probably thinking oh my god what have i let myself in for :0/ (the baby that was, not boy 40)
I put the pic up  on face book lots of friends said lots of lovely things, and then i felt a bit weird because they have now all seen inside my womb :0/
Its funny really how gossipy ones village can be, i hadn't actually told anyone apart from my friends about new bubba 4, apart from the announcement on facebook, but then that's also private and for my friends only. Anyway on the said hen night of the last blog i was talking to a friend about it (well moaning about how crap i was feeling really ) when someone else over heard, shes a friend too but not one of my bezzers, i said to her did you erm know about my news?? she replied 'yes everybody knows'!! 'great' every sod in the village knows whats going on in my womb (even the vicar)  and none of them have said a word, i should have just put it on a loud speaker and driven about the place for a bit, at least id have known they all knew then :0/
           Not a lots happened since last Thursday, apart from the dreaded hospital visit Friday, child 2 hates hospitals mainly because she is always in them, this particular one was in Bristol where upon about 12 weeks ago they did lots of tests. you may remember the cling film and anesthetic cream kerfuffle.
Well this was the day the test results were revealed amongst other things, new treatments and new tests to be performed. 'Great' i find out after 12 years that child 2 is also vitamin D deficient which causes immune problems, exhaustion and mood swings (fec i think i may have that too :0(
        So now she has to have a vitamin D supplement, I'm wondering though apart from her usual unlucky life dealings is this because child 2 has never had a weeks holiday in her life?? and whenever we do go somewhere the sun doesn't shine??. Can i sue blood suckers from my bank account for this?? and other life's pains in the arses for the cause of my non holiday life?? I may have to try!! i also think that i am entitled to an Nhs prescription to go and live in Australia where the sun always shines, ill ask the doctor next week.
      This said day went on and on and on, luckily child 1 brought with him some revision papers so he could revise whilst we were there, he also taught child 3 some algebra and some hideous fraction to the powers of which i did not understand a word of, child 3 however is now Mensa at maths and actually understands higher level Gcse, which is a little scary.
     We finally left the hospital at around 6.30 pm no one had been fed (especially me) and so we needed to just drop by at the supermarket on the way home. For normal people with normal luck this would have been fine, but no not us. When we reached the supermarket a very small piece of road to it was completely closed off leaving us to drive another 5 miles out of our way to find another one :0(
       We eventually arrived home hungry and tired at about 8 p.m.
 The next day was my friends wedding, It was a rather smashing day, of course we had all of the dramas in getting there on time etc my dress had got smaller since the last time i tried it on which was a bit unfortunate but I'm just gonna have to get used to that sort of thing. After much food laughter dancing etc we again arrived home very late so Sunday i was very tired. Boy child decided he needed some maths equipment for his exam the next day, it was a little unfortunate i think that he didn't tell me of this on the day we were in the middle of Bristol all day :0/
      We all took ourselves off to town and parked behind the train station. I thought Armageddon was the week before, may be all of the people in the station knew otherwise (there were hundreds of them) , my home town is  a very small town and to see this many people wanting to get out of it on a Sunday was quite alarming!! i still have no idea why they were all there because the world hasn't ended again.
Yesterday i spent most of the day trying to fill out a bus pass for school form, I'm either thick or the county councils website is shite with the wrong information on it, the form also looks like something from 1844 I'm sorry to say it drove me mental and even made me cry at one point, after crossing out bus after bus because it was the wrong one i finally completed it, flimmin buses whats the difference anyway? they all smell of waz.
           Ah well thanks for the sympathetic ear. I've had a right day of it so I'm going to eat some sausages fill in some big school forms and then go to bed ready to get the boat to insomniac island at about 2.am
 See ya

P.s Mrs smiff follower number 1 the useful printout guide to a 'Daddy's survival to pregnancy' will be in next weeks bloggett, I've run out of typing finger ;0)

Armageddon My Arse

........................... Well i erm feel a little embarrassed as i write to you today and can only apologise for the blog delay. :0(  1,495 secret readers and 2 new brave souls wot have outed themselves, (much appreciated Heather MG and Robert P)

Well the truth is i didn't write my blog last Friday because i thought the world was going to end!!. So convinced was i that I made no mental notes of unfortunate significant happenings in the week and so cannot remember an awful lot of it, only that it was pretty much a load of shit  :0(
        Today i greet you from the misery of what is me, i am so miserable you wouldn't believe, being pregnant i have decided is horrible i am to say the least not enjoying myself at all :0(  Everything smells bad, Everything is rubbish, Everyone is getting on my nerves and i am not laughing at all, i am officially a grumpy old woman. :0(  and i feel about 104.

           Foolish now i may feel but i didn't see the point in writing my blog as probably in a blown up universe no one was going to read it.

     Apart from may be a couple of Armageddon surviving armadillos wearing helmets in an air raid shelter with access to the Internet somewhere far far away........ and quite frankly they were not worth the effort because i hate them too.
        That's what this weeks been really an 'effort'. I am also having to catch up with all of last weeks 'life' stuff because i just didn't bother doing any of it. Well if there is a chance of the world ending what miserable sensible person would ? Small person 3 was of the same opinion as me and didn't bother doing her homework either, I'm not sure her teacher saw it as a good enough excuse though :0/

Well the day came and we hid under the duvet on the instructions of Small person number 3 who knows about these things because she has been learning about war at school, we waited and ........... Nothing.
        So here i am with not much to say and too much to do I am just glad to say that they are all finally back at school.

        The skivalitus virus i spoke of in the last blog, you know the one Child 3 imaginary had, to get out of her Sat's at school? Has I'm sorry to say got child 2 in to an awful lot of trouble this week, so much in fact that many hours  were spent in the hospital. Since then we have been nebulised every 3 hours, phyisiotherepyed until my arms nearly fell off, medicated up to the ceiling and child 2 has ingested more steroids than a dodgy athlete trying to win the Olympics :0(
This i can tell you is not a  agreeable situation to someone wot is still as tired as me :0( and as sick as me
:0( and as hungry as me :0( There has been no time to eat, no time to sleep, and no time to puke :0( A thoroughly horrid week of my most hated things, the top of that list  being snot, sick and hospitals.
        As you can imagine id had enough by Friday and was kind of looking forward to Armageddon ......... Miraculously by Friday evening i managed to pull some energy from somewhere, where i have no idea and i haven't seen any since. Energy that was To attend a friends hen night, missing the limo ride there and back due to possible small person 2 emergency's. I drove my fat miserable self there and back, accompanied by my faithful friend Kimbo (who also missed the limo too) but that was because she was being kind to me, 'The unfortunate' 'again'. She did however have a rather smashing glass of champagne on the way, which made me feel a little better, we parked up and walked for 15 minutes in 3 inch heals to the wrong pub !! :0( we did however get asked for id which was Rather smashing as we are 76 between us, but only collectively about 9ft tall so you do the maths, because i can't work it out? :0/
          I thankfully made it to the dancing at the end, stayed awake for the drive home, met a massive stag in the road just outside Bisley and spent the entire night on insomniac island :0/
         The weekend was a right off to be honest and i wallowed about being miserable, feeling terribly sorry for my tired sick self. :0(
         Monday was interesting, The boy child is taking his final exams at the moment and had one upon this day, although I'm slightly worried as apparently they are a lot harder than the mocks :0/ , unfair i feel, I'm just hoping he still gets all of his stars :0/
 Erm again if the 'department for working pensions' is reading this Can i get a benefit of some kind for my genius boy child?? £100 per A is what grammar school parents are supposed to cough up nowadays, having a straight A student is a little worrying as my bank account resembles the black hole of Calcutta.
        Despite other leeches hanging on and draining my overdraft i discover this week that a cheque of mine I had written and thought had gone away was lost but now found.. UN cashed....... from January fec!!!. Another unexpected bill to add on to the crap list of things wot greets me on insomniac island every night. If any ones got any get rich quick schemes let me know and quickly.
Another thing to bug me on this said Monday nights adventures on insomniac island, was the fact that my last blog had disappeared off line for 2 days :0/  aaaaaagggghhhh i had no clue where it went.
       Insomniac island is often a place where reality becomes worse and dreams become more real. By the end of my time there i was convinced that James Dyson was going to sue my ass off because of slanderous talk about his crapalishouis Hoover, slagged off to kingdom come in my said dissappeared blog :0/ I could just see his legal team all over it noting words like 'wot crap' 'Bollocks' and doesn't suck up Animals :0/
Well Just for the record James 'Its not you its me' ;0) I've had nine hoovers in so many years and they have all been crap :0(
        Talking of that 'allegedly' crap hoover of mine, i was angered by its eagerness this week to hoover up half a bag of fruitellas, (NEVER COME BETWEEN A PREGNANT TERMINATER AND HER FRUTELLAS) firstly they did not fit in the inside spinney thing well and secondly i was really looking forward to eating them :0(
         really wanted them........... I spent 20 minutes trying to get the little suckers out of those spinney brush things, i did get them out though and because they were a little scorched the sweet smell of fruitellas wafted about the air, making me want to eat them even more.......... Well they 'were' still in the wrappers yes they were squashed and the wrappers were a little black in places where they were  burnt. but they was the only frutellas in the house, my pregnant brain said 'do it eat them' my normal brain said 'no don't you dirty cow'. Luckily the boy child walked in in the nick of time as i was inspecting one of them out of its wrapper. I didn't want to explain really what i was doing and so sadly chucked the lot in the bin :0( ........... but they are still there ;0)
 I have been eating like a pig for 3 months solid. i cant stop, if i stop i feel sick. I am now breaking Guinness world records, last Wednesday i ate a whole stick of rock driving between my  house and town. (its a mile and a half :0/ )
           Knowing that i will be about 20 stone soon i make a consious effort to take the dog out every single morning for a long run on the common. Well she runs i walk behind with the ball thrower. Labradors are bread to fetch are they not?, they are retrievers, so why the hell is it that when i throw the ball she doesn't see where it lands and i end up retrieving it??  either that or she actually catches the ball but then chews it to pieces refusing to give it back :0/ 
        To add to this silliness we now have the 'summer' problem  Oh yes they have released 500 cows on to the common land. 500 stinky cows and 50 moody golfers each morning is what i have to contend with (I'm only trying to keep fit) i don't need the stresses they bring thank you very much.
         They (the golfers) stare at me as i walk across the fairway, but who's the stupid one??? 'Me' who gets to walk across the fairway for 'free' searching for balls, or 'them' who pay 100's of pounds a month to walk across the fairway searching for balls???
I do agree though that it was a little unfortunate that i did not have a poo bag on that particular occasion :0/ But then again if they owned the fastest cow chaser this side of china they would risk the chance of golf balls in the head to avoid a stampede. Ive been chased by a cow before and it was not pleasant. Boy 40 being a farmers son isn't the slightest bit afraid of cows, I've been forced to walk through many a dangerous cow field, only last year did i have to dive under a hedge row to save my own life :0(  His mother is neither afraid only a few weeks ago 40 odd cows broke over the wall and stampeded her garden.......... she shooed them off fearlessly with a stick :0/
         I'm having problems going up to see her at the mo, i cannot do the farmy cow poo smell,  normally the stench is bad enough but if your feeling travel sick 24 hours a day it does not mix well, I'm not sure of what excuse to use though it seems a bit unfair to say 'sorry granny i cant bring the kids up because of the terrible poo smell wot surrounds your house' :0/  but what can i do?
       I have a list of sorry but i cants at the moment, 'sorry i cant open the dishwasher because it smells' sorry i cant open the fridge it smells of fridges' 'sorry i cant feed the out side pets because they smell of ..... out side pets' 'sorry i can't feed the cats because their food smell of spam' 'sorry i cant clean the toilets, because they smell of toilets' 'sorry my face looks like a slapped ass' the list goes on and its making life very difficult, child 3 doesn't help, its not her fault its just the nature of how she is, only Saturday we were in the beer tent chatting to friends at the yearly 'Grand village fete'
 and there she was picking her nose and eating it :0/ as well as being embarassing its just turned my stomach right over :0(
      The previous Wednesday i was sorting out some things not really paying attention when she asked me if she could go down the canal, erm yes i suppose we can later i said, it was at that moment i turned round to see that she was wearing a wet suit?? Child three to be honest is my only source of amusement at the moment i found myself thinking back to her antics over the past few months and thought i could write a bloody good book about them. The first chapter would be called, 'Why i do that face'. this chapter would include the time she fell out of my car in the summer and crawled across the the car park, like a 999 rescue as if id shut her in there for hours, another would be when she got hideous amounts of clay out of the river down at a local park, it was a hot day and the day of the scarecrow hunt, this is a yearly thing, its an event many enjoy where you ramble about the village / the river etc searching for scarecrows  the villagers have made, we took the dog and a picnic.
       The place was packed as per usual, child 3 discovered that the shallow river in which all of the kids play contained vast amounts of brown clay, deciding she would like to make some pots when she got home she started filing up carrier bags with it, you can imagine the state of her, she then decided to spread the said clay all over her small chubby face. This was all very well until we decided to walk home :0/
 There she was with the dog, a massive bag of 'brown stuff' and brown stuff all over her face. The looks she recieved were quite strange to say the least. Being a very hot day it was decided to take the now aptly named 'poo face' and the other two to the pub on the way home for a coke. We sat out side I did not enter the establishment as i was far too embarrassed. She sat there with her dog, the carrier bag by her feet and was now finding her predicament very funny, each time a nice family searching for scarecrows walked by she would smile at them then she would say........... yes it is poo. Or to give herself further amusement she would shout at child 2 saying 'dont call me poo face it wasn't my fault' then she would cry in her hands.
      This was typical example of me doing 'that' face, its a sort of vacant expression, an 'i cant help it, its her,' kind of expression. I have it on my face most of the time now, seeing as I'm not working due to being so sick and child 2's ups and downs I'm seriously considering putting pen to paper, if one thousand four hundred and summat people are reading this shite i surely stand a good chance ? and of course other options at the moment are very limited. On balance of fairness if i have to put up with this kind of mad life i should be rewarded for it, i at least expect some kind of certificate when my eventual demise comes. Only last week it was said by a friend that my last march tune should be the Benny Hill theme tune :0(
           Anyway enough of me your probably all bored to tears, i shall be taking notes this week of unfortunate happenings and will report them as per usual next time........... Now that is that the world is not actually ending until 2012
Until next time dudes xx
:0(
            

 

The Apprentice i am, Waiter is that a fly in my soup? And there’s no use in crying over lost coleslaw :0/

Hey How the devil are you all?
A small explosion is happening! Total viewers as to may 9th at 5.43 pm is 'One Thousand Three Hundred and 89' OMFG you can't all be counsellors, psychiatrists, social services The Rspca, stalkers and weirdos, surely some of you must be normal, i mean on a percentage basis?        
          Anyway i thought id make a start now in between eating, crying, throwing up and sleeping, yes thanks boy 40 you've turned me in to an emotional, fat, tired, sick machine (and  he's supposed to love me!) Being pregnant is pants and now i know exactly why i left so many years in between child 1, 2 and 3. 
Most days i feel like the Terminator PMT has nothing on this and when I'm not so flimmin tired i will write another Guide. A guide to surviving pregnancy, or a 'Daddys' guide to surviving pregnancy........... I will soon have enough pull out guides to have my own stand in G.Ps surgery's.
       Last weeks blogget concentrated mainly on my evil Goblins and my crap holiday. Well they are still there and their first job  this week was to kill 2 of my goldfish :0(
I was carefully popping them down the Heaven Du toilet, when to my horror child 3 walked in the room. 'Mum what are you doing?' 'erm well I'm letting the old fishes swim off down the toilet because the water goes directly to the sea where they get transported buy a flying golden boat to heaven! (quick thinking hey?)
    ' What do you mean mum them was new fishes, we only got them a little while ago' .........i managed to persuade her that they must have been old men fish when we bought them, alas this is not the only fish death this year, :0( poor old googley eyes sadly departed not long before the new ones arrived, there was only so many times he could jump out of that bowl :0(
      Child 3 was then very interested in this heavenly process and watched. They magically whizzed around and around as they departed down the toilet to the after world. She was sure she saw stars and fairy dust, i think that was just the remains of the duck toilet bomb i had deposited down it the day before.
      'So then mum' she said holding one of the cats, 'erm so when the cats die do we stick them down there too? ' Frankly nothing would give me more pleasure i thought, but explained that we would need a very big plunger and possibly a stick. (I'M ONLY JOKING RSPCA) Child 3 took the cat away very quickly, she was laughing as she went by the way, just in case social services are reading too ;0)
      Actually though Asbo cat really needs to learn about cat personal safety before something happens to her. I spent quarter of an hour trying to park my car the other day, she drives me nuts!!! When i arrive home she is there. Every time! she must have some freaky 6th sense or something. I need to park in my space its the only space i have, so firstly as i pull in she will come up to the car and do that rubby head thing on the front wheels, then as i try to manoeuvre she will roll around behind the back wheels, Then proceed to sit her small hairy ass right in the middle of the space. Grrrrrrrrr The only thing i can do then is get out and put her in the car, em only on this particular unfortunate day the escape windows were open, the escape electric windows :0(......... it was a very close call. Quick thinking or not as it turned out, i tried to  shut up that window before she jumped out..........she had the same idea, lucky for her she was the quickest :0/ and then the whole sorry  process started again, ............ That day i parked my car on the road , may be i should get that cat psychiatrist in after all i wonder if he saw Graham about her poo problem he would see Asbo for free?
       It seems that this week is mostly concentrated on Animals, The Dyson animal was the next disaster, At the moment I'm more tired than a dead mouse with narcolepsy.
I don't need that stupid hoover to go wrong, but as the evil ones are obviously still out to get me they sabotaged that as well. I was so angry, after messing about with it for 20 minutes, i posted on twitter, "I hate my Dyson Animal it wont even suck up a feather never mind a flimmin animal." i also made some comment about it not sucking up an elephant......... 2 seconds later the official Dyson help website replied saying they were sorry that my machine had lost suction!!!!! :0( I was slightly embarrassed by this and was worried that trying to suck up elephants would affect my warranty :0/  .............. They advised me to wash the filters, i did this and it still wouldn't suck up elephants, i mean anything. So i then proceeded to unscrew the entire god awful machine in search of a blockage. Following some banging, poking, kicking and much violence i put it back together again, and by some miracle it worked :0/ Please don't tell boy 40 i did that though he won't like it :0/
             The next furry animal disaster was the day child 3 covered herself from head to toe in Biro, apparently she was disguising herself as the Gruffalo ??, this was all very well but it was 8.00pm on Sunday evening the chances of a Gruffalo turning up at school on Monday morning were very high. .............. it didn't come off, the Gruffalo incident followed another Sunday goblin attack. Never leave your Sunday dinner meat on the side in the kitchen if you have two cats, especially cats as asbotic as mine, Sunday was a very hungry day :0(
            I also went hungry on Monday because after 2 hours of preparing a meal, retrieving the boy child from his girlfriends (after boy 40 had waited for him for ages then presumed he was at home) . A massive fly landed right on my plate, this is not agreeable to my situation at the moment because 1. i need to eat hideous amounts of food, and 2. a fly landing on my plate would make me feel very very sick. Beef stroganoff with roasted vegetables and sweet potatoes with an assortment of spring vegetables! 2 flimmin hours it took me and i ended up with a pot noodle :0/  My brain has turned inside out since joining the 'pregnant' club this week i forgot to by car tax, forgot a hospital app with child 2 also left child 2's shoes outside in a tropical rainstorm on a Sunday night and cried because we ran out of coleslaw :0(
           I'm not expecting improvement anytime soon either child 3 was accused of skiving on Tuesday because the school were sitting Sat's, although she is a master of trickery she did actually have a temperature and was not well at all, this has now transferred its self to child 2 who currently has a temperature of 39 c and as we know she will be poorly for ages now :0(  .............crap.
          So that's that really, life at the moment consists of evil goblin's, television, ill people, and hideous amounts of Jammie dodgers.  That's not so bad i suppose, i mean the TV and Jammie dodgers bit, i don't normally watch much TV but being as tired as me there's not much else to do. Child 2 is perfecting her dog dancing act for Britain s got talent next year, I'm glad shes got a while because the dog won't listen to a word she says. And I've started watching the Apprentice in bed this week, while eating bowls of various bad for you snacks, if em your reading Alan Sugar i had a brilliant idea for a Mobile phone application last night............. You text a  scenario to your phone like any of the above and the app texts you back an appropriate swear word!!!! Genius.............
          Get me on the show i say ;0) and also to the guys who write  the sitcom outnumbered, I'm actually living it! I don't need to make it up.
 So if you need any ideas just read my blog (Erm its copyrighted so don't nick my true life downfalls we can negotiate a good deal. I'll do anything for 3 packets of Jammie dodgers and pickled onion monster munch at the moment  ;0) I also have a Christmas special coming up, i  don't know whats going to happen yet but it will be a true disaster I'm sure  (just read back to child 2's birth) blogged in January. That will give you some idea. :0/
         Anyway enough of my talking to imaginary people who will never read this bollocks, i have to go get in my car and go get a Macci dees im flimmin starving.

Until next time Campas xxxxxxxxxx

Worried friends and ~ 'why does it always rain on me?' ~ is it because i lied when i was 17?

................ 11 hundred and 85 secret viewers (get in) and one brave one wot has just 'come out'. Hello to Angie Henman my lovely friend and loyal follower number 4 ;0)

      Well  here i am again, this blog should be called ' Notes from insomniac island' (Bill Bryson travel writer extraordinaire hasn't done that one yet) i could cash in on that title!!, and em don't think of nicking it anyone, what comes out of my gob is immediately copyrighted.
        Its currently 2.45 A.m on Wednesday the 27th of April and i am here with the dog, Graham the evil but small cat and a packet of pickled onion monster munch. The only thing on T.V is Airline and i have a very busy day tomorrow. I am annoyed by this inability to sleep AGAIN and i blame just one person for it. Tomorrow i have to clean the house from top to bottom, attend a doctors appointment, make sure i  have the relevent monthly medication for child 2, do the shopping wash my hair and attend a 40's street party all before 1.00 pm.
Oh yeah and i have to pack 5 cases and one dog for a short break in Cornwall over the bank holiday.
The weather has been amazingly hot for a few weeks now but don't worry if your garden needs water, it will piss down by Friday :0(        How do i know this? because this is the day we go on the only 4 days holiday of the whole year. God knows what would happen if i had the pleasure of going away for a full weeks holiday, there would be tornado's and snow storms mark my words. Just To add to that do you know i have not been on a whole weeks holiday since 1997? and do not even own a passport. So may be i am just lucky to be sodding off for 4 days and 3 nights, ill tell you one day why that is. But not now because its 3.am and Airline is getting to an exciting bit, besides I've run out of monster munch, and i must make a mercy dash to the cupboard.
.............................. Airline really could not have been that exciting!, i woke up at 6.am dribbling on the dog with the cat asleep on my head. I'm not even sure i had some more monster munch :0/
            It is now a week later and as predicted Cornwall was a wash out. It was 26 degrees the weekend before!!! can you believe that? ...... i can :0(
        I feel a little cheated, this very Friday i was invited to 3 separate parties to celebrate the wedding of Wills n Kate. With wills living only a few miles from here when he was a boy i feel kinda disloyal for not partaking in the celebrations. My mums nearest neighbour is pwincess Anne, and the queen was also about a few weeks ago for a christening, she was probably driven right past my house.
 Anyway i feel a bit of a loyal Royal living around here but spent the entire day listening to it on the radio, whilst watching the sodding temperature go down on the car thermometer as the daytime sky  got darker and  darker stormier and  stormier. as we headed further down the M5 :0(
It pissed down in Padstow, hailed on our heads in Helston It was Cold in Clovelly and Boscastle was just a worry quite frankly.
          I defiantly have evil warriors from hell following me about at the moment, they are much more powerful than my Monday goblins and are most defiantly instructed by the actual Antichrist. Who i speculate is in fact female lives a few miles from here and likes to rear her ugly head every now and again just to piss me off. I'm 'so' annoyed by them that i purposely visited the Witch museum in Boscastle Sunday afternoon, where i put a spell on the leader.
I felt much better for this and so did my family for the rain was beginning to get on our wick.
I was quite confident that it would work in ridding me of the demons........... Fec!!! it actually worked......Did you read the world news Monday morning??? I think it was all down to me :0/ I was shocked and stunned!! May be i should have specified a name?, Im not well aquainted with witches spells....the spell has obviously worked but on the wrong Antichrist :0( just my bloody luck .................
        Anyway my fights with the dark arts are for insomniac island i shall bore you with them no more. This is not Harry potter although in many ways it could be.
        To be honest with you thinking back, I'm not entirely sure i should have taken child 3 in to that witch museum. :0/   Later that day (after she nearly bolted off a cliff playing silly beggars, during boy forty's video recording of trawler men) which consisted of some crap commentry on top of the windy cliff and a tiny fishing boat coming slowly in to the harbour ? :0/
We went to a public House near Bodmin for a late Sunday lunch. Child 3 proceeded to pile her plate with hideous amounts of carvery. She was then to do some kind of silly dance in the middle of the pub with her dinner whilst singing 'Sunshine and lollipops' off of the advert? Why? i have no idea may be it was some kind of Sunday sun dance? Anyway the landlord was not best pleased at this display and promptly told her off!
:0(
        It was not until we were about to leave that i noticed a white napkin on which she had been scribbling.
   Erm who's this? i asked " Its that horrible man over there!" she replied. She was leaving the picture for him on the table. I thought it may have been an apology picture or something nice like that, but then i took a closer look :0/ She em had actually played imaginary hangman with a stick man picture of  him. :0/ The words underneath being 'wot a nasty man' :0(
There he was dangling  amoungst some carrrots and peas for telling her off and not liking her song. Firmly on her get it list small sad faces like this :0(  surrounded the picture. Apparently he had to make do with the drawing as she did not have a needle and cotton to make a voodoo doll :0/ ........
         I said to child 3 you know you shouldn't really bear grudges like that its not very nice, Child 2 a young politician and future priminister of the United Kingdom then piped up " well the man did her wrong mum what do you expect?" .............I couldn't really argue with that.
        It is though a little worrying. Most parents can take their children to such museums without repercussions. My small people suck every bit of information in and store it in their creative genius minds for later use. I'm just hoping she does not do the dead rat and the shoe spell on her teacher :0/
 'They' My kids have progressively got more bonkers and imaginative as they have gone on and i worry that child 4 may be even more bonkers, he's probably in there right now plotting a shit load of mad stuff. That's right child 4 my well kept secret, that power cut back in march has a lot to answer for :0/ He / She (may be both) :0/ is, (hopefully is and not are) due on Christmas day ! of all days it would have been that one wouldn't it??!! Ah well that should scare the shit out of the dark side. Ill just have to call upon the real father Christmas this year to help out with the presents and the wrapping etc.
        There was a joke a few weeks ago on facebook when someone commented on my status following a day where i actually ate for England for the entire day. It said that boy 40 was trying to fatten me up for Christmas! ........... well he's certainly done that!
         Well campas after that little bombshell i don't have too much more to say, only that if you see child 3 she has changed her name to Lisa. She really wanted to buy a Sponge Bob pen in Clovelly and they only had the name Lisa left :0/  A good enough reason to change your name by deed poll? i dunno.
 Also please do not mention the cleaning your feet fiasco in port Issac. She's On the gifted childrens list may be but we argued for 10 whole minutes that it would not work if she tried to clean her feet in the sea from the wet sand in which they were incased. Because they would get sandy again on the way back :0/
In the end she tried it and her feet were of course the same as they were before she cleaned them :0/ Doh! Child 3 is embarrased now that this was not obvious to her genius mind, i have it on video, Video i cannot show to my own mum now because of the rude joke i made about Boy forty sucking a fishermans friend as we got out of the car in Port Issac (he had a sore throat) it was very funny and i laughed at myself for ages. Well we didnt see Bob Martin either but took a photo of his surgery.
         Just quickly i hope you will be proud of me because i did not status update for 4 days on facebook which quite frankly gave me the shakes:0( it did not go unnoticed though and i have copy and pasted my friend Claire's Status update off of yesterday. Its nice to know my friends worry about me.................... as it appears do many others :0/
        
                      

                    Claire Parker

• Whats happened to Mrs P Aka 'Lil Rach' She appears to have been abducted by pixies!!!
• • 
    

    Lisa Stevens was just thinking the same thing. Logged on for the daily cheer myself up and read her daily disaster, only to discover shes missing in action and I only have my own misery to chortle at for the day! Sadly the chortle is awol too!! x
    

    5 hours ago ·
  • 
    

    Claire Parker I'm starting to fear the worst, maybe the white coat peeps have finally caught up with her, I knew she couldn't get away with the weekly blog of mentalness for too long! x
    

    3 hours ago ·
  • 
    

    Lisa Stevens Can just see her being dragged out of Brimsconia in her straight jacket still trying to clutch her karaoke mike singing "they're coming to take me away haha hehe!" x
    

    3 hours ago ·
  • 
    

    Claire Parker What a picture :)
    

    59 minutes ago ·
•  See what i have to put up with ;0)
  

  Anyway i did not lie when i was 17 it was all true!! I must go now the tesco man has just arrived with his lorry load of Prawn / mayonnaise sandwiches, Piccalilli jars and hideous amounts of Pickled onion monster munch
• Until next time Campas don't do anything i wouldn't do and to be honest i cant do anything now apart from get fat and moan turrahh ;0) xxx
  

Never under estimate the power of a Super soaker, and a dog called Mr Bugger

Greetings
I'm not sure what I'm doing here, its 4.30 Am on a Wednesday, it appears that i am on insomniac island for the 2nd time this week, there is a snoring walrus in my bed and a small starfish wot is sleeping diagonal, that bloody owl is outside, a noisy car just went by and I'm sure, that by the sound of its wheel, spinning round like a CD the hamster is on speed.      
I normally start writing my blog on a Friday but as I'm fully awake and seem to have  vasts amounts of inane crap of which to spout off, i thought  i might as well get on with it.
       Seeing as small person 3 (the starfish) has taken to thinking my bed is much cosier than hers, i have reluctantly transported myself to hers.
To get here i have had to avoid 2 sleeping cats on the landing and have also tried not to wake the dawg from its slumber. If you wake her at 4.30 am she will start wagging that huge tail of her which then whacks the back of the sofa she has naughtilly chosen to sleep on. and at 4.30 am it sounds like someone playing a drum...... loudly, That would wake everyone up and quite frankly i would be VERY annoyed. So i have crept here like some animated horror piece, carefully avoiding the very creaky floor boards and squeeky doors.
     I find myself now surrounded by many scary things , after climbing up a very slippy slide (the very slide i once took a ridiculous injury from.)
Just for a minute listen carefully, a tip to be heeded well. Never ever miss judge how big or small your bottom is!. Do not drink a big glass of red wine put your small person to bed and fall asleep reading The Cat In The Hat.
Because someone may well ring your telephone, in  a loud and unexpected manner causing you to jump out of your skin, catapult yourself upon  the slide a bit skew wiff and off center, you may then whizz down the slide at tremendous speed giving yourselff a very bad arse burn injury :0/
I still have the 2 inch scar. and my arse was not pretty before that. :0/
   So I'm surrounded by scary stuff which includes a giant sponge bob and Patrick, they are staring right at me with around 40 of their friends, to my left is some experiment with do not touch on the label, so i wont :0(
    Its dark and I'm writing in a postman pat pencil so i have no idea if this will be legible in the morning (nothing new there then)
      So then Whats happened this week? Have i taken my own advice? did i heed my own tips from my parents survival guide to surviving the Easter  holidays?........... No i did not.
       Today i made a 'large' mistake, i needed to go to the shops to buy child 1 and child 3 some new school shoes. Child 3 may i add is now on her 7th pair since September, yes that's right pair 7!!! If anyone out there owns a shoe design company I have a challenge for you , Child 3 can wreck a pair of shoes in 1 day, I bet you any money you cannot design a pair which will last her more than a month :0( also if anyone from the department of working pensions is reading this can i get some kind of heavy shoe benefit? cos i really cannot afford this many shoes.
 'I' also being a little like child 3 am on my 9th hoover so same goes for that if your listening James Dyson, i challenge you to make a hoover i cannot break!!!
     Boy 40 recently pointed out to me that it is also not normal to have owned 8 washing machines in 17 years, so same applys to those what know about washing machine design.
      Anyway god i wang on endlessly, sorry. Back to the shoes.
Offspring 1 is a very sensible fellow, he went for the first pair he saw, stating ' i don't care what i wear on my feet for school' (as long as he's got a pair of superdry's on his feet at the weekend) But number 3, oh my god! Number 3.
 Never ever go shoe shopping with her or any other kind of shopping really, She sat on the floor in that shop and tried on every pair, a big 'no' pile was building rapidly. It was OK for the first 15 minutes and 45 seconds, after that i had flash backs to toys r us and other similar expeditions.
She must have now tried on every pair in the shop,  and was flinging them about like nobodies business. Everyone including the sales assistant was getting quietly annoyed, other customers were now leaving as she had taken up the entire fitting space. I wouldn't mind so much but her bright yellow spongebob socks were brown where she'd been up the woods :0/
In the end she opted for a pair that she first 'hated because they were sad' whatever that meant.
As soon as this buying decision was make i acted quickly to purchase this said pair before she had chance to change her mind.
         It was then that i made the big mistake, Child 2 spotted in the corner of her eye some brightly coloured plastic tat, and immediately fell in love with it. Child 3 then also saw it in the shop window and began to drool. 'Aw mummy pwease can we have one? came both excited beyond measure voices. Now i may seem a little tough sometimes in my writings of my children tribulations, but i cannot resist them cute little faces. So to the uncertinty of my unfortunate credit cards (wot I'm sure have now started sweating in my purse every time i go out)   I always say yes to them........ Even to the ridiculous. And erm my two smallest ones owning super soakers is just that :0/
       I was to regret this purchase as soon as i arrived home. Number 3 is rather good at control,
co-ordination and all over management of explosive weapons. Number 2 however has many health issues and actually does not have much co-ordination at all, she cannot lift very heavy things as her wrists are not strong enough,  i found this out again to my horror when she fired a hideous jet stream across my studio which kindly hit the Arse of the poor unfortunate zebra which happens to be sitting in my Africa painting. :0( I kind of think that this was the last straw for this particular painting and i will soon be closing up my studio for a while, i will reveal to you shortly my reasons but paintings the last thing on my mind right now :0/ Not forever though (dont panic) my shite art work will be around for a long time yet. just gonna take a break for a year or so.
      Wednesday was a good day we did park, friends, ducks and picnics,  it was quite uneventful really, child 2 and 3 got scarily close to the lake and nearly gave me a heart attack, there was a fight over some cherryade, then we went home........ This was when the day took an unexpected and dark turn, the postman was to bring to me a letter which has turned my life upside down again.
I cant speak of it now because of legalities but I'm quietly  biding my time and am confident that all will work out like it should. (well that's what the physic clairvoyant  lady, who also told me my washing machine was broken told me). She says that i will win the war!! (work that one out?) I'm going in to town tomorrow to buy some battle armour just in case.
 At about 6.30pm on this evening i looked at child  3 and noticed a massive rash on her arm  it was under the skin, My day having taken such a large satanic twist i was worried, big dark red blotches and smaller ones, had appered, i did the glass test and it didn't disappear, i have a hot line to the doctor (having child 2 i need i one) so i phoned him and he agreed i must take child 3 to the hospital to get it checked out, worried out of my mind I raced there from Granny's house (which is quite a way) questioning child 3 about how it may have happened, i was no nearer to the truth until i reached the doctors room. 'Em yes' she said 'i fell over on that, thats wots done it!, when me n George were climbing in the bushes at the park'! omg  ......... she fell on it! i thought it had just popped up, i really aught to stop behaving like Mr Jelly.  Well thank god she was OK but i looked a bit of a twit, it was an amalgamation of her falling on it and her eczema picking up an allergy to the offending bush or tree.
         Nerves in tatters we went home. By now i was rather tired but was expecting another night awake thanks to 'that' letter.
         To cut a long story short after another night awake i spent Thursday cleaning toilets and such like, mooching about sadly really,  having endless conversations on the phone with close friends. One rather exciting thing though did happen to me.
On this day  i actually talked to Andi Peters on twitter!!! He brightened up my day in fact, after the revelations of the day before i was glad of this and it meant a lot that someone so busy took a few minutes to wish me well. So Andi Peters if you are reading thank you very much your a thoroughly nice chap and ill always remember the day you made me smile ;0)
Children 1, 2 and 3 were very happy to be staying with My sister and My Mr sister for the day and night on this Friday, whilst me and boy 40 enjoyed Derren Browns show at the theatre in Oxford, yet another lovely Birthday present for boy 40 redeemed (fankoo mummy n daddy).
I'm not allowed to say anything about the show, Derren said so, and I'm sure he was looking at me when he said it!!! I wasn't going to anyway D cos its all about me! ;0)
But Derren Brown if you read this can i just say, i had a brand new pair of shoes on which just before you came on broke! one shoe just fell apart, on my foot!!! I had to walk the theatre and streets of Oxford bare footed :0( what does this mean? a strange coincidence considering the start of your show, and that is all i can say about that,  :0/
So looking like a tramp as usual we couldn't really go anywhere else after cos i had no shoes :0/ i was a twit again for the second time in 2 days, at least i was a twit in Oxford where no one knows me.
         Talking of tramps the next day we were out taking photos of the university colleges for our genius boy child, Who i bought an oxford university t.shirt for (just so he can get used to it ;0)
We were happily walking in the sunshine, When i heard someone shout 'HEY MR BUGGER COME BACK!!) Quite taken a back by this, i looked around, Oxford is not the sort of place one would use this language especially outside Christ church college where they filmed Inspector Morse and Alice in wonderlands author was a maths teacher!!!
 'HEY MR BUGGER COME BACK YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME'!! Fec there it was again i did hear right. A scantily clad no abode man was running behind a small dog shouting........ I was worried, he looked like he was going to pass out and die  'Mr Bugger' who was not on a lead was now pissing up a tourist information stand :0/
I could however completely understand why he was called Mr Bugger because he really was one. :0/ We saw him again later that day on the bridge over the punting lake, Mr Bugger was running fast, the man was chasing him, i was worried for Mr Buggers safety it was a very busy road, The oldish man sat on the bench beside us to admire the girls whilst Mr Bugger ran away, 'oh come back Mr Bugger' he muttered under his breath, i think he was a bit pissed off by now. and had obviously been chasing Mr Bugger about all day :0/ I couldn't watch anymore it wasn't doing my nerves any good, so we bought a feast ice cream and walked back in to town.
          We thought that being good parents, we should aswell as take picture's of the colleges for the boy child, we should also take pictures of the public houses he may want to frequent whilst studying. One in particular was called the Eagle and child, this pub ill have you know was the very pub in which J.R.Tolkien and  C.S.Lewis chatted together about their children's books they were writing. (can you imagine? Hey J.R i has a lion a witch some furry coats and a waldrobe..... good combination?, Yes C.S i has wizard called Gandaulf with a big stick and some small elves with dirty feet!!!  what do ya rec?)
Me and boy 40 were fascinated by this, he's apparently wanted to visit this pub for years) we have read all of the lord of the rings / the hobbit etc to the kids and have lost count the amount of times wev'e read The lion The witch and the wardrobe etc to them, We sat at the very table they did, i thought yeah may be if i touch this magic table i may get them massive kids books I've written (mostly when child 2 was in hospital) published one day.
          So i hugged the table, and stroked it like i really loved it. Boy 40 did that face he does when i embarrass him but i didn't care cos i believe in magic! Just imagine me a famous author eh??? I was all full of hope and magical promise all weekend of my new hopeful career ...............and then i read this back......... fec. i em think ill just be happy with the 'awful author' in me for a while longer eh? ;0/
Ah well  ill always be skint , but at least I'm happy
Toodle pip

"OVER A THOUSAND SECRET READERS ON THE STATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   ;0) xxx

Pains, Sprains & Automobiles ...with a bit of father Christmas chucked in for free.

Good Evening Ladies, Gentlemen, Animals and beasts
I Shan't bang on about the statistics this evening for the masses of secret followers i appear to have, because I'm slightly worried.
Worried  that this blog may be resembling 'The only way is Essex', not that I've even seen it, but everyone keeps saying its so bad that you just have to keep watching it! erm well yes i rest my case. So i shall not boast about the viewing figures anymore  :0/
    I am happy to say that i have survived the first week of the Easter holidays, Just.
Its been a testing time and has been very expensive, i have kindly put together a survival guide for you parents out there, print it out and hide it in the wardrobe so the 'small ones' don't find it.
Firstly though i will share with you some of the more trying times of this week.
I type with slight pain this evening as it appears i have sprained my typing finger trying to rip up a telephone directory, so please excuse me if my spelling, grammar and punctuation is more hideous than usual :0/  This sprain is actually very debilitating, you don't realise how many things your fore finger is useful for until you injure it. ........ I'm just glad i don't pick my nose as much as child 3
 I wasn't trying to rip the telephone directory because I'm hard, i have ran out of newspaper to line the cats litter tray with. Anyway its done now and shes peeing on all of the surnames beginning with B......... i need to train her to poo on them too as she is still pooing on the floor, i have so far hesitated to the vets suggestion of a cat Psychologist  because I'm far too embarrassed.
         Monday started in compete panic as usual we had to be somewhere and small persons 2 and 3 amazingly 'again' had no shoes the brush was lost, the glasses had gone AWOL, i haven't seen child 2's left hearing aid for about 3 weeks and she needed it. The car had no petrol we had to pick nanny up from the wrong direction boy child needed taking somewhere entirely different and i was just swearing 'happy fecin holidays' under my breath over and over again.
I managed to calm down but it took a good few hours, After yet another hospital appointment I promised small persons 2 and 3 a trip to Toys r us to spend there pocket money, Small person 3 had given me a golden purse full of money, she told me there was £30 in there it was very heavy and i had no reason to disbelieve her as she had been saving up, her grandparents are also very generous with their pocket money.  Small person number 2 also had a shiny purse full of pocket money.......... one and a half hours later we were still in there trying out every toy possible,  Id kind of had enough at this point, Nanny and i just had vacant faces by now and didn't feel the need to communicate anymore.
 Child 3 had a nice collection of stuff in her arms, child 2 could still not make up her mind. Finally after much consideration and child 3 dumping her 'most favorite toy in the world' for another and then another in the next isle and the next we were ready to pay.
The tills were all packed queues of people everywhere. Child 3 puts all of her shopping on the counter and the lady rings it up. £27.50 please. I scrabble in my bag for the golden purse, open it up and 'Bollocks' it is jam packed full of 2 pence pieces. Immediately i feel my cheeks burning up, what the hell do i do? Erm shit i started to panic, i had no money,  i also managed to find the odd pound a marble and a fake credit card  in it. I so wanted to grrrrrrrr at child 3 at this moment in time, who by the way was innocently stood there, smiling at all of the people in the queue who she thought were admiring her new Sponge bob DVD and giant Patrick star.
Really they were all looking at me, me who had left her purse in the car . :0( Luckily Nanny had a shiny card on her and rescued me. I walked very quickly towards the door, followed by my family and large amounts of toy bags.
 Next it was off to the shoe shop to buy a pair of work boots for boy 40, his are just about falling off of his feet and have some big holes in them wot let out disgusting smells.
I make him leave them outside, once where we used to live someone nicked one of them off the door step!! Just one. There's either a one legged thief on the loose or it was a prank.
I thought it was really funny and would have done it myself if id have thought about it, it still makes me laugh thinking of him at 6 am in the morning, with one boot in his hand his lunch box in the other and a very confused look upon his face. Well I'm glad i don't live there anymore i can tell ya.
Anyway history was to repeat itself on this very day in the shoe shop, Bargain of the year !! work boots £30 down to a fiver !!!! flimmin ek i had to have them, i was so excited (it doesn't take much) there were loads of pairs after 15 minutes of looking through i could only find one size 11 just one.
I could see those goblins of mine had reared they're ugly heads today, the ladies in the shop also looked but no, there was only one. Out of 30 odd pairs of boots the one 'I' wanted was not there grrrr. what a pain in the arse that was, i could have pocketed the extra £25 quid and bought shiny things with it :0/
        When we arrived home i asked small people 2 and 3 to tidy their rooms as they both look like burglary's, it was all quiet for a while until i discovered them on my computer asking Jeeves 'how to tidy their messy bedrooms', they ask Jeeves many things the last question  was 'where is the brush?' on Friday morning before school. He didn't bloody well find it though.
        Tuesday was ...... well actually a little weird, weird it would have been anyway as i was to spend the day with fizzer (follower 3) but strange things kept happening, first i lost my car keys, this is not an unusual occurrence but i found them in the washing machine??? the one which 'Still' doesn't work ;0)  (that little chestnut is wearing a bit thin now. my washers and ironers i feel may start to suspect a rat soon, i may have to buy a new one ) :0(
        Then we saw a man walking along the road dressed as father Christmas?? proper costume beard everything, I'm still trying to work out if he was actual father Christmas.
 I told the girls that they really aught to behave today as he was probably making his naughty and nice list early!! it worked for a while until child 3 decided to start singing 'I know a song that will get on yer nerves' this resulted in child 2 bonking her on the head with a P.E bag. (yes its still in the car from end of term ) :0/
        The strangest thing of all was when we entered Quedgleyshire the home of Fizzer & follower number 3, There was a police riot van by the side of the road and a police woman bundling a little old lady in to it,(she looked about 85) she was having awful problems walking backwards up the steps in to the van,. She wasn't some ruffian old lady, she was wearing a tweed suit if anyone off of Quedgleyshire could let me know what on earth she had done please let me know.
      Upon arrival at Fizzers i discovered that someone had drawn a very large windmill on my leg in blue pen. I'm sure i should sleep with one eye open in my house, i feel that child 3 was behind it by the drawing style, Why a windmill i have no idea but spit was not going to remove it, Fizzer however didn't even notice because she was too busy steaming open her husbands post, whats worrying is that she was chatting happily away to me as she was doing it, as if she does it every day.
      After a rather smashing day full of laughing i returned home to find that the cat had had another killing fest and had left parts of small animals upon my door step. :0(
       The rest of the week contained much expense taking the small people to various places to bounce around etc, £30 odd quid at the cinema where child 3 lost her shoes in the dark, what is it with her and shoes?? Oh and The Automobile reference in the title of which i must explain.
Well i was tired as per usual and in a rush, so i couldn't really help it when i reversed in to the parking space and forgot to stop :0/
The metal crash barrier was probably a little kinder than the wall would have been and for that i am grateful :0/ the kind of crump noise it made reminded me of when i did this before in another car park, that time i was driving forwards when i forgot to stop :0(
 Boy 40 though is always scuffing my bumpers and says that bumpers are for bumping, so when i make these little mistakes i re quote those words to him. This normally works however it did not work when i drove under that truck :0( 
The car then 'Trixy bell' was new, and to cut a long story short i ended up underneath a truck, not right under just part of my bonnet, Simple really he stopped and i erm didn't, it was all very embarrassing.
It happened along a busy main road, traffic was really slow so it was not a fast impact luckily, Big school kids were all walking to the huge schools upon this road, people were walking to town on their way to work it was jam packed with cars and pedestrians. And there was me sat under a truck!! :0( They were all having a good old look, i mean what sort of face do you put on in this situation?) did i reverse back out? did i wait for him to go forward? omg that few minutes felt like a life time i was scared at what the hell i had done to my brand new shiny car.
Child 2 shouts from the back 'Mum do you mind? you nearly killed me then' Child 3 was a toddler at the time and just shouted  'yeah mum poo poo'. (It wasn't a good day)
The guy in the truck gave me the filthiest look in the world, as he drove forward and took his back  end off of my bonnet making large scraping noises. He gave me the evils all the way down in the traffic queue and  then drove away ???  Probably had no insurance i dunno, i was glad anyway he looked very scary I'm only 5ft and wasn't really looking for a fight that morning :0(  And Yes i had crapped up the entire front end of the car there was a great big hole in the bumper in the shape of a tow bar :0(  i sometimes feel that they shouldn't let me out :0(
          Anyway enough of me taliking crap. without further a do here is your Survival guide to the rest of the holidays.
                                                    
                                               A Parents essential print out guide
                                          10 Steps to surviving the Easter Holidays.
        
 1. Plan what you are going to do, if you don't fancy the park (again) and they do look at the weather forecast the night before, if it says rain, perfect!! you tell the small people ooh mummy's taking you to the park tomorrow they'll think your great....................its not your fault!! you cannot control the weather.

2. Pop down to the social and ask for a BHICATH form, (bloody hell i can't afford the holidays form ) Fill it in and they will give you at least £150 to cover it all, more if you take them to the cinema. Wear scuffed up clothes take some other peoples kids with you also and you'll get more.

3. Invite your mum down for the day, she will make cakes with them, play bored games (yes that's spelt correctly) and she will even take home your washing if your lucky ;0)

4. Put the clocks back one evening, they will never know and you will get an early night ;0)

5. Its the Easter holidays and that is good because you can use (the Easter bunny wont come) black mail tactic all week!!

6. Visit all of your friends houses, this way your own doesn't get messy!

7. Make one day in to a competition, who can tidy up their rooms the quickest, who can sweep the patio the quickest, who can feed all of the pets the quickest, etc etc make sure you have lots of coffee in on this day its thirsty work being an adjudicator

8. Buy a trampoline, the kids might like it too

9. Go in to town Buy some spring flowers and give them some spades, they love worms and mud and you get the garden weeded.

10. Finally  Hide and seek is a very good game if you are the counter ;0)


Until next time ................................