Greetings
I'm not sure what I'm doing here, its 4.30 Am on a Wednesday, it appears that i am on insomniac island for the 2nd time this week, there is a snoring walrus in my bed and a small starfish wot is sleeping diagonal, that bloody owl is outside, a noisy car just went by and I'm sure, that by the sound of its wheel, spinning round like a CD the hamster is on speed.
I normally start writing my blog on a Friday but as I'm fully awake and seem to have vasts amounts of inane crap of which to spout off, i thought i might as well get on with it.
Seeing as small person 3 (the starfish) has taken to thinking my bed is much cosier than hers, i have reluctantly transported myself to hers.
To get here i have had to avoid 2 sleeping cats on the landing and have also tried not to wake the dawg from its slumber. If you wake her at 4.30 am she will start wagging that huge tail of her which then whacks the back of the sofa she has naughtilly chosen to sleep on. and at 4.30 am it sounds like someone playing a drum...... loudly, That would wake everyone up and quite frankly i would be VERY annoyed. So i have crept here like some animated horror piece, carefully avoiding the very creaky floor boards and squeeky doors.
I find myself now surrounded by many scary things , after climbing up a very slippy slide (the very slide i once took a ridiculous injury from.)
Just for a minute listen carefully, a tip to be heeded well. Never ever miss judge how big or small your bottom is!. Do not drink a big glass of red wine put your small person to bed and fall asleep reading The Cat In The Hat.
Because someone may well ring your telephone, in a loud and unexpected manner causing you to jump out of your skin, catapult yourself upon the slide a bit skew wiff and off center, you may then whizz down the slide at tremendous speed giving yourselff a very bad arse burn injury :0/
I still have the 2 inch scar. and my arse was not pretty before that. :0/
So I'm surrounded by scary stuff which includes a giant sponge bob and Patrick, they are staring right at me with around 40 of their friends, to my left is some experiment with do not touch on the label, so i wont :0(
Its dark and I'm writing in a postman pat pencil so i have no idea if this will be legible in the morning (nothing new there then)
So then Whats happened this week? Have i taken my own advice? did i heed my own tips from my parents survival guide to surviving the Easter holidays?........... No i did not.
Today i made a 'large' mistake, i needed to go to the shops to buy child 1 and child 3 some new school shoes. Child 3 may i add is now on her 7th pair since September, yes that's right pair 7!!! If anyone out there owns a shoe design company I have a challenge for you , Child 3 can wreck a pair of shoes in 1 day, I bet you any money you cannot design a pair which will last her more than a month :0( also if anyone from the department of working pensions is reading this can i get some kind of heavy shoe benefit? cos i really cannot afford this many shoes.
'I' also being a little like child 3 am on my 9th hoover so same goes for that if your listening James Dyson, i challenge you to make a hoover i cannot break!!!
Boy 40 recently pointed out to me that it is also not normal to have owned 8 washing machines in 17 years, so same applys to those what know about washing machine design.
Anyway god i wang on endlessly, sorry. Back to the shoes.
Offspring 1 is a very sensible fellow, he went for the first pair he saw, stating ' i don't care what i wear on my feet for school' (as long as he's got a pair of superdry's on his feet at the weekend) But number 3, oh my god! Number 3.
Never ever go shoe shopping with her or any other kind of shopping really, She sat on the floor in that shop and tried on every pair, a big 'no' pile was building rapidly. It was OK for the first 15 minutes and 45 seconds, after that i had flash backs to toys r us and other similar expeditions.
She must have now tried on every pair in the shop, and was flinging them about like nobodies business. Everyone including the sales assistant was getting quietly annoyed, other customers were now leaving as she had taken up the entire fitting space. I wouldn't mind so much but her bright yellow spongebob socks were brown where she'd been up the woods :0/
In the end she opted for a pair that she first 'hated because they were sad' whatever that meant.
As soon as this buying decision was make i acted quickly to purchase this said pair before she had chance to change her mind.
It was then that i made the big mistake, Child 2 spotted in the corner of her eye some brightly coloured plastic tat, and immediately fell in love with it. Child 3 then also saw it in the shop window and began to drool. 'Aw mummy pwease can we have one? came both excited beyond measure voices. Now i may seem a little tough sometimes in my writings of my children tribulations, but i cannot resist them cute little faces. So to the uncertinty of my unfortunate credit cards (wot I'm sure have now started sweating in my purse every time i go out) I always say yes to them........ Even to the ridiculous. And erm my two smallest ones owning super soakers is just that :0/
I was to regret this purchase as soon as i arrived home. Number 3 is rather good at control,
co-ordination and all over management of explosive weapons. Number 2 however has many health issues and actually does not have much co-ordination at all, she cannot lift very heavy things as her wrists are not strong enough, i found this out again to my horror when she fired a hideous jet stream across my studio which kindly hit the Arse of the poor unfortunate zebra which happens to be sitting in my Africa painting. :0( I kind of think that this was the last straw for this particular painting and i will soon be closing up my studio for a while, i will reveal to you shortly my reasons but paintings the last thing on my mind right now :0/ Not forever though (dont panic) my shite art work will be around for a long time yet. just gonna take a break for a year or so.
Wednesday was a good day we did park, friends, ducks and picnics, it was quite uneventful really, child 2 and 3 got scarily close to the lake and nearly gave me a heart attack, there was a fight over some cherryade, then we went home........ This was when the day took an unexpected and dark turn, the postman was to bring to me a letter which has turned my life upside down again.
I cant speak of it now because of legalities but I'm quietly biding my time and am confident that all will work out like it should. (well that's what the physic clairvoyant lady, who also told me my washing machine was broken told me). She says that i will win the war!! (work that one out?) I'm going in to town tomorrow to buy some battle armour just in case.
At about 6.30pm on this evening i looked at child 3 and noticed a massive rash on her arm it was under the skin, My day having taken such a large satanic twist i was worried, big dark red blotches and smaller ones, had appered, i did the glass test and it didn't disappear, i have a hot line to the doctor (having child 2 i need i one) so i phoned him and he agreed i must take child 3 to the hospital to get it checked out, worried out of my mind I raced there from Granny's house (which is quite a way) questioning child 3 about how it may have happened, i was no nearer to the truth until i reached the doctors room. 'Em yes' she said 'i fell over on that, thats wots done it!, when me n George were climbing in the bushes at the park'! omg ......... she fell on it! i thought it had just popped up, i really aught to stop behaving like Mr Jelly. Well thank god she was OK but i looked a bit of a twit, it was an amalgamation of her falling on it and her eczema picking up an allergy to the offending bush or tree.
Nerves in tatters we went home. By now i was rather tired but was expecting another night awake thanks to 'that' letter.
To cut a long story short after another night awake i spent Thursday cleaning toilets and such like, mooching about sadly really, having endless conversations on the phone with close friends. One rather exciting thing though did happen to me.
On this day i actually talked to Andi Peters on twitter!!! He brightened up my day in fact, after the revelations of the day before i was glad of this and it meant a lot that someone so busy took a few minutes to wish me well. So Andi Peters if you are reading thank you very much your a thoroughly nice chap and ill always remember the day you made me smile ;0)
Children 1, 2 and 3 were very happy to be staying with My sister and My Mr sister for the day and night on this Friday, whilst me and boy 40 enjoyed Derren Browns show at the theatre in Oxford, yet another lovely Birthday present for boy 40 redeemed (fankoo mummy n daddy).
I'm not allowed to say anything about the show, Derren said so, and I'm sure he was looking at me when he said it!!! I wasn't going to anyway D cos its all about me! ;0)
But Derren Brown if you read this can i just say, i had a brand new pair of shoes on which just before you came on broke! one shoe just fell apart, on my foot!!! I had to walk the theatre and streets of Oxford bare footed :0( what does this mean? a strange coincidence considering the start of your show, and that is all i can say about that, :0/
So looking like a tramp as usual we couldn't really go anywhere else after cos i had no shoes :0/ i was a twit again for the second time in 2 days, at least i was a twit in Oxford where no one knows me.
Talking of tramps the next day we were out taking photos of the university colleges for our genius boy child, Who i bought an oxford university t.shirt for (just so he can get used to it ;0)
We were happily walking in the sunshine, When i heard someone shout 'HEY MR BUGGER COME BACK!!) Quite taken a back by this, i looked around, Oxford is not the sort of place one would use this language especially outside Christ church college where they filmed Inspector Morse and Alice in wonderlands author was a maths teacher!!!
'HEY MR BUGGER COME BACK YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME'!! Fec there it was again i did hear right. A scantily clad no abode man was running behind a small dog shouting........ I was worried, he looked like he was going to pass out and die 'Mr Bugger' who was not on a lead was now pissing up a tourist information stand :0/
I could however completely understand why he was called Mr Bugger because he really was one. :0/ We saw him again later that day on the bridge over the punting lake, Mr Bugger was running fast, the man was chasing him, i was worried for Mr Buggers safety it was a very busy road, The oldish man sat on the bench beside us to admire the girls whilst Mr Bugger ran away, 'oh come back Mr Bugger' he muttered under his breath, i think he was a bit pissed off by now. and had obviously been chasing Mr Bugger about all day :0/ I couldn't watch anymore it wasn't doing my nerves any good, so we bought a feast ice cream and walked back in to town.
We thought that being good parents, we should aswell as take picture's of the colleges for the boy child, we should also take pictures of the public houses he may want to frequent whilst studying. One in particular was called the Eagle and child, this pub ill have you know was the very pub in which J.R.Tolkien and C.S.Lewis chatted together about their children's books they were writing. (can you imagine? Hey J.R i has a lion a witch some furry coats and a waldrobe..... good combination?, Yes C.S i has wizard called Gandaulf with a big stick and some small elves with dirty feet!!! what do ya rec?)
Me and boy 40 were fascinated by this, he's apparently wanted to visit this pub for years) we have read all of the lord of the rings / the hobbit etc to the kids and have lost count the amount of times wev'e read The lion The witch and the wardrobe etc to them, We sat at the very table they did, i thought yeah may be if i touch this magic table i may get them massive kids books I've written (mostly when child 2 was in hospital) published one day.
So i hugged the table, and stroked it like i really loved it. Boy 40 did that face he does when i embarrass him but i didn't care cos i believe in magic! Just imagine me a famous author eh??? I was all full of hope and magical promise all weekend of my new hopeful career ...............and then i read this back......... fec. i em think ill just be happy with the 'awful author' in me for a while longer eh? ;0/
Ah well ill always be skint , but at least I'm happy
Toodle pip
"OVER A THOUSAND SECRET READERS ON THE STATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ;0) xxx
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