Whoops i appear to have turned myself in to Tiffany :0/

...................That's not something beautiful like a Tiffany lamp or decorative piece oh no. I mean Tiffany the popstar off of the 80's :0/ you know the song 'I think we're alone now' ??
Well sadly i am not alone (hello readers by the way)
As i write to you today i am bouncing bubba 4 in her chair with my foot, child 2 is on a nebuliser because she is unwell, The boy child is making a cartoon called ' Te ventures of louis because he is mad, :0$  Child 3 is making a concoction in the kitchen with flowers mud and rabbit food and i am fully expecting her to arrive with it any minute and make me drink it :0/
 The dog is wandering about like a mad elephant because she needs a walk, the cat is crying to come in the window because she is hungry, the guinea pigs are trotting around in their own dirt because they need cleaning, the other cat is balanced at the top of the open window cursing at her offspring below because she is evil, the fridge is making beeping noises because someone has left it open, the postman is knocking the door because he is annoying, the rabbit is thumping her feet because she probably wants the guinea pigs to shut the ..... up, the hamster is dead and remains dead.
 The fish are swimming about in green water because i largely ignore them and as for me well im feeling a bit bored. Oh and boy 40, well he is no where to be seen!
         Welcome to Saturday morning at my house.
Boy 40 promised he would be back by 12 it is currently 1 p.m obviously he would prefer to stay at work bashing down walls instead of sharing in the Saturday morning excitement of our home :0/
          I t was boredom i have to thank for the Tiffany mistake. My hair is as you probably know is very curly. On a good day i look like a gonk (a badly made 70's toy on a stick) and on a bad day i look like Worzel Gummige. :0/
One day about 12 years ago,  before i became mother to so many things me boy 40 and our friends were on a trip to the races at Ascot.
On this day my hair looked unusually lovely and mermaid like, a bit like myself before life took its toll, it was then that a  posh man came up to me as many did in those days and said  'Wow who does your hair??' In my reply i lied to that man because i have only been to the hairdressers once in my life and i told him Nicky Clarke :0/   Today if that man asked 'wow who does your hair?' i would firstly have to presume he was quite mad and  secondly i would have to answer 'The council'.
It my hair is precisely 47 cm long  i know that because i have just measured it. Periodically in a mad moment i will put it in a scrunchy and chop off 6 inches although on the day in question i was not feeling this brave.
 I tell you what i was feeling, i was feeling old!! It was then that i had the stupid idea of cutting me a fringe :0/ The last time i did that i looked 10 years younger, and indeed i was ten years younger.
Although i am nearly 40 AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH i hate admitting  that it makes me choke!, inside i feel 16,...... its just the outside where i have the problems.
I never thought i would be 40 i mean obviously i would be one day but it always seemed so far away, like the moon. Now its precisely 1 year and 2 months away unlike the moon which is still as far away as ever :o/ Man its enough to make me cry i shall grow old so disgracefully ill be ashamed of myself :o/
             So bubba 4 was asleep as per usual. I stood in front of the large mirror in the hallway with the scissors in my hand, to many i may have looked like a murderer standing there with that look upon my face. and in many ways i was.
 I brushed down the front of my hair, my age then smacked me in the face once again this time quite literally. :0/ it was not as thick as it was the last time i did this maneuver  good lord i could see through it :0( before i had the chance to be depressed about lady baldness i noticed that some of it was also white!! white i tell you long white 47 cm hairs!! my day was getting worse. I proceeded to cut off about 30 cms all the way across! that's a whole rulers worth! ..............For Christs sake i could have tested it first, i could have quite easily folded up a fringe with the long hair and gripped it in place. But no im not as clever as that and now there was no going back, i was instantly transmogrified in to an 80's throw back chick :o/ i did look younger but i also looked like a right twat.
           To add to the idioticness of the whole incident I did not decide to do something this drastic at the weekend oh no i decided to do it 2 hours before i had to go out in public to pick up child 3 from school :o/ Looking down i realised i had on my big woolly jumper known as my Tiffany jumper (you know the one i set fire to that time :0/  )
I was Tiffany!
          I removed it immediately but still looked like a bad 80's replica and felt self conscious as i walked to the school. Response from my friends was quite good, they immediately noticed the Tiff cut and made many comments of how much younger i looked.
          Child 3 came out of school got on her bike and put on her helmet, it was then that she noticed me and her jaw dropped to the floor. 'Oh my god mum what have you done? where has your dangelly hair gone?....... you don't look like you ! (no i thought i look younger, my wrinkle's only appeared when i met you).
The theme of family comment was to stay the same the boy child thought i looked 'a bit 80's' child 2 just gave me a weird look and when boy 40 arrived home he immediately came over to me gave me the biggest hug he could ever give and said 'Your hair is different are you ok?' like id had some kind of break down :0/
           That evening as i walked passed the chip shop window i checked myself out in the reflection, my face looked really fat boy 40 agreed that the long ringletts i chopped of were a bit more sexy than the Tiff fringe and so i have ditched the fringe and have filed it away somewhere with the other mistakes that i have made in my life including that car called Sharon :0/  With a lot of hair spray i can glue it to the rest of the long stuff which is fine until it rains :0/ .......And then i look like johnny Rotten :0/
           I have been blaming many things on having a baby brain, its a good excuse i find but could be wearing a little thin, i may start blaming my age, yeah my age mixed with baby brain mixed with being slightly dim! that should give people reason to make allowances like when i text facebook private texts which should go to family members, luckily i do actually know all of my facebook friends so they fully understood when the message 'teas gone tits up im going to maccie dees'  arrived. as a status update.
 Teas gone tits up quite a lot recently :0/ I had 10 people for Sunday lunch the other week imagine my horror when i saw this in the oven :o/ .........Their pudding !!

It was supposed to be a crumble but it had no crumbelly bits they had some how all sunk :0/ Bless my dad he said he liked it that way :o/ but we all knew he thought it looked like vomit just like the rest of them :0/ 

I was also horrified to discover that Tesco have stopped selling the beef stroganoff packet mix!!! Boy 40

loves that delightful meal that i cook him, he is impressed that i know how to make it for a start.

 What do ya fancy for tea? i asked him one morning before work, Beef stroganoff would be nice he said. Shit i had already discovered that Tesco had stopped selling it and was all of a panic i have no bloody idea whats in it i just mix it up with half a pint of semi skimmed milk!! I searched many supermarkets and finally found it in sainsburys, quickly purchasing it i legged it home fast and got away with it for the hundredth time of cooking :0/ You might be thinking oh my god what if boy 40 reads this blog :0/ well he doesn't, hes not remotely interested in it, he feels that it is bad enough the first time round without having to re live it :0/

That night i was busy  painting this years country show poster and  so let child 3 do the online shopping for the week. Right or wrong im not sure she ordered everything i wanted which was great but i also ended up with a 6 pack of frazzles enough Haribo to sink a battle ship and an Alvin and the chipmunks DVD.

The show poster i mentioned was taking a hideously long time, i do this artwork every year, this year 

i am on maternity leave but have done it as a favour most of it has been painted with one hand whilst dancing about singing and entertaining bubba 4 in the other :o/ When i was taking the instructions from the country show organisers i also was balancing many different things in my already full head these are my notes :0/ 

So there i am i need to put together a poster this is very difficult work at the best of times without a small baby balancing on your person. I look at my notes right the first thing to go in would be the queens jublees :o/ im sure that would get me hung ? secondly Charles dick who's Bi apparently :o/ Limp rings is just too much to bear surely this list taken at face value would get me fired off the job forever ! :0/ Local bears ?? i was not aware we had any :o/ and a hor tent? Omfg. why do i do this ? i take down a load of short hand crap and always think i will remember what the hell it means :o( 

Of course eventually i worked it all out to be the Queens jubilee, Charles Dickens Bicentenary, Olympic rings, local beer and a horticultural tent!!! thank god for that!Any way enough of me im really boring.

               Child 3 this week has im afraid to say started Karate  I felt sorry for boy 40 who had to take her there, we had many practice attempts before she went out and many things got dented :0( shes wanted to do karate since she was 3 and so far i have managed to steer her away from it :0/, i am happy to report though that she decided to do a sponsered silence in the easter holidays and for that we were all glad, she stayed silent up until the point in Hobby craft when she had that little falling out with the old lady :0( 

To be fair to her the old lady and her friend should probably have not been walking that close to the small button and needle work stand :o/ i do agree though that child three probably should have not upon their excuse me's whispered really loudly to me ' mum they told me off !! i couldn't ask them to move im not allowed to talk to strangers .........and they are strange :0/  It was the fluffy material you see shes blinded by things like that and is drawn to them, its just not my fault that she sees no other living thing and tends to move forward very quickly like a buffalo :0/ It was in the same week that she offended another old lady in waitrose

she was only trying to help!! Only when the cashier put half of my stuff through with the old ladies because child 3 had added my shopping but not put a 'next customer' sign up the old lady who to be fair was very posh and had no manners started tutting and spiting venomous words under her breath. Child 3 at this point

looked a bit afraid and so was i to be quite frank. 

Following the old lady incident we popped up to see the kids nanny and grampy just to reassure ourselves that old people were not all bad ;0)  My mobile started ringing as we sat there and i casually pulled the land line phone out of my nappy changing bag :0/ i mean i know my mobile isn't as new and fandangelled as it could be but it is not as large as a brick :0/ They all understood what an idiot i am and we left just before 5 because whilst packing the land line in to my changing bag i had forgotten to pack a nappy :0( Well apart from bubba 4 gassing out a public house with her foul smellin nappy last weekend not a lot more has happened, Child 2 is quite poorly with a chest infection but im not allowed to talk about her because she says shes not a comedy show :0/ I will just say though it was rather funny last Wednesday night when she decided to leave home, mainly because child 3 was getting on her nerves  all she was taking was a hula hoop and a pink guitar ? in the end though she came back in she only got as far as the porch when she decided to go the following morning because it was raining :0/ then she got ill so the hula hoop and guitar are still stood by the door. The boy child has not been up to much but he did spend 20 pounds of my money last week on a batman mask :0/ Anyway thats it im off ill just leave you with a little Tribute song to Tiffany wot i wrote when i was her.

Toodle pip xxxx

........It's all about three

 Yo!    4,483   4,483    !!!! flimmin ek who'd have thunk it?? ............ i cant even spell!

I thought it fitting that i put out a blog today, the day what probably should have been my birthday.
April fools day.  well im starting it today but will probably finish it in a few weeks time, that's how it is at the moment, i started making a Shepard's pie last Thursday morning and finished it on the Friday evening :0/  (it was still horrible and tasted like it had real shepherds in it :0/ )
        Today as you can imagine has been a little tiresome.  I  have been trying to avoid child 3 knowing the date all week, (from what happened last year you can hardly blame me) the cat has never been the same since :0/
       It all started with hideous laughter the laughter one would expect to hear from an extremely mad bonkers insane person. From my bed i knew what she was doing, cling film has the habit of squeaking as you try stretching it over a toilet seat. Her next job was to phone up Nanny, poor Nanny she gets so many pointless phone calls. 'Stay in your home there has been a big black panther cat spotted along your road. !! ive just seen it and so did mum!!! ' didn't you mum ??? ' Yes i replied with that look upon my face, boy 40 was beside me in bed and was laughing at child 3's convincing story, well convincing until she revealed that the panther had already eaten two people :0/
He was not laughing however when he walked down the stairs to see it literly upside down :0/ she had turned everything she could possibly see upside down, including all of the stuff in the kitchen cupboards :0/ it took boy 40 quite sometime to turn it all back the right way up.
We thought it was probably best if we just all went out. We decided on a nice day like today to take the dog up to the common, feed bubba 4 in a country pub on the walk and then stop off for ice creams.
Child 3 i am sad to say carried on with her antics by pretending she was our dog. :0/ child 2 had her upon the lead as she scratched, barked chased birds and pretended to wee up trees for the entire length  of our journey.
We arrived 20 minutes later at a rather well to do country pub. Well to do it was not anymore. :0(
 I could feel all of the people sat around the croquyet lawn staring, i sometimes wonder if people are staring at me or do i just stare at them? ...... I think they stare at me, they were definatly staring at child 3 thats for sure. She was at this time pretend peeing up a carefully pruned tree whilst asking child 2 to tie her up so she could not poo on the lawn.
Boy 40 asked what they would all like to drink 2 and 1 asked for cokes 3 just barked for a bowl.
          Very soon she was bored of being a dog and so started performing gymnastics badly upon the lawn, she then belted it about the place like a lightening bolt and the boy child asked me if we have ever had her 'seen'? we all knew what he meant and carried on our scary conversation about university fees :0/ the boy child will only owe about £40,000 by the time he leaves :0(
 Very soon child 3 was wanting her coke and so sat down. I turned to look at her 2 minutes later and there she was sucking on a lemon. What the hell are you doing? i asked (she is allergic to lemons) oooh sorry  she replied but 'she' (child2) was just sucking hers and going 'mmmm nom nom nom' and i got jealous :0/
         Luckily there were no lasting effects apart from her swollen tounge which was aptly quite dog like so she gladly hung it out for the rest of the day :0/
     
Erm Hello its me again, its only 4 days later and we have just got back from a rather smashing day out in Cirencester, Roman town and home of Laurence lewelln Bowen.
Child 3 has a facination with romans, dont ask me why, i think its to do with the violent battles :0/.. so we took them to the roman museum where she looked at many things and bought some dodgy artifacts from the shop. After this we found a nice little cafe for coffee, a place to feed bubba 4.
 Cirencester as you know is quite well to do so i was embarrased to say the least when i returned from the toilet to see that child 3 had a big brown chocolate nose. She then carried on with what she had been doing, ... licking out all of the cups which had previously held hot chocolate in them :0/ The posh welly wearing jodpur wax jacket types on the next table looked horrified and so did she when she flew out of that joint on the handle of my push chair.
We then popped in to WH Smith, it was in this particular establishment that she found the talking Katzuma! 'A talking Katzuma? that sounds amazing' i hear you all gasp. Actually no it was not! it was a brightly coloured card board box containing an orange monster of some sort which goes RAAAA when you press its tummy. Im sure i would do the same if  someone pressed my tummy in that way, except i wouldent charge £14.99 for the displeasure....... Apparently child three has put this particular toy on both her birthday and christmas lists for 'years' years i tell you! she didnt quite understand why i was not willing to part with 15 english pounds in exchange for it.
10 Minutes later the talking katzuma was still in her sweaty grasp, the boy child was looking it up on Amazon to see if we could get it cheaper, boy 40 was not really bothered by this display which now also had tears, he loves book shops and could spend days in them. Child 2 who's easy to please just wanted to buy her felt tips and go home, i had lost the will to live and bubba 4 was happy just to be doing a poo.
           In the end boy 40 the weaker of her two parents gave in and bought it for her, it is now sitting on my stairs going raaaa every few minutes :0(
           Child three the one with the roman fascination is now also obsessed with Hiawatha or Hiyawoffa as she calls it. Last Tuesday tea time we were all sat at the table, we could all see child 3 sat there with full war paint on a ripped t.shirt of which she had made head bands and sweat bands out of. And an enormous plume of home made feathers expelling from her head, she also had some smaller feathers dotted about her person, these were real feathers and i worried about where they may have come from :0/. 'Im hyawoffa' she said.
  20 minutes passed by and no one said a word, she kept making squawkey noises and going lolololol with her hand on her mouth,. eventually boy 40 gave in and said 'Erm why are you  Hiawatha? 'because' she said im not getting any attention!' . Good effort i thought.
        For Christmas she had some proper walkie talkies (which cost way more than £14.99) she likes to play with them when shes in the garden only the other day someone else's signal must have been picking them up, 'hello hello come in' a mans voice kept on saying, child 3 was freaked out by this and ran in to daddy 'daaaad there's ghosts in my walkie talkies She's obsessed by ghosts too :0/
Boy 40 explained that it was probably just a local taxi firm. She left them on and became quite fascinated by this strange phenomena. A couple of hours went by and i could hear hysterical laughter coming from her room, i sneaked up the stairs and listened at the door, she was sat there like a little mad person in hysterics she could hardly breathe she was laughing so much. ' Come in come in who are you?' came the mans voice, composing herself she shouts ' i am the ghost of Christmas future and i live in your office!' ......... 'hello hello? says the confused man. ' have you got any sandwiches?' she asks?. at this point i felt quite sorry for the bloke, he was probably hoping for a peaceful Sunday at work...... 'where do you want to go?? he asks ' where are you? over' ' Im behind your plant pot' she replies. This confused conversation went on for ages, all i can do is apologies to the cab firm for the voices in your head and for blocking up your signal  last Sunday.
        Child 3 also has a fascination for ghosts, driving along the other day i was not really taking much notice of the chit chat in the back until that was i heard child 3 say 'yeah i hate ghosts, that one at dads party was a nightmare!' 'What ghost at dads party? i intrrupted, 'you know i told you before the one in the room where they play darts, he was sat there with his napkin tucked in eating a roast dinner' im quite sure she did not tell me about it before but then i do sometimes block out thier voices to keep sane. Well it turns out that many people have also seen this same ghost ( sane people, normal people!) oh dear i didnt even pay per head for him :0/  trouble is we never really know whats true and whats not, i just wonder how many ghosts she has seen, im sure the one in the car doesn't exist. I got a new car by the way its an estate, my mum thought i said its 'in a state' when i told her of it, probably because most of my cars have been :0/ me and my friend Sarah had to get baby sitters one time just so we could clean my car out :0/  its got weeny seats at the back and doesn't look like a bus, so ill be happy with it for a while. Happy i was not though when we spent £500 on a flippin roof box (there's not even space to breathe inside the actual car ) no wonder the salesman kept on folding that middle seat in to the other one, its like sitting on a brick!
        Happy i was not even more when we entered our local town on a sunny Saturday morning!. The crunching noise as we entered the multistory car park was not pleasant :0/ Were roof boxes not invented when this 70's monstrosity was built in our town? probably not.
So we had done the barrier in and were now stuck in the multistory :'0( fec!
Boy 40 said 'ah sod it lets go shopping and think about it later' ( that's pretty much his attitude to everything :0/ )  We did coffee and swanned about the town in the sunshine, everyone seemed very jolly, all i could think about was being stuck in the car park, there was no way back through the height barrier and the concrete ceilings would surely finish it off :0/
Eventually we returned and all stood around the car just staring at the shiny crapped up roof box wot cost  500 quid. It was then that we all started laughing, may be this was a simultaneous nervous reaction i don't know.
The boy child has seen a lot of spider man in his time and for that i was grateful. He took off his shoes and jumped on to the roof from some metal car park bars. Boy 40 held on to the box as the boy child got inside it and un did the bolts. Eventually it was off and the boy child made his descent via boy 40's shoulders to the ground. Relieved i drove the car down through the ramps we laughed at boy 40 as we went by him, carrying a roof box on his head. It was obviuos to the whole town what he (not us) had done.
 I parked by a small bridge on the out side and boy 40 dented the roof with his knee as he struggled to fix the thing back on. Great days!! i sighed as he got back in the car, now we cant go to multistory's hospitals or McDonald's. That's pretty much my weeks crapped up then!! :0/
Upon our return home we find a parcel notification card through the door. 'Your parcel is over the gate' it said. What it should have said was 'Over the gate and in a lump of dogs shit!' :0/ grrrrrrrrr
        Well apart from that nothing else has happened apart from everyone catching conjunctivitis :0( even the cat had it. Conjuncta cat i named her (don't nick that im going to use it for a new super hero comic book) Ah yeah and im being followed on twitter by 'food cooking news!!!!' they are probably looking for tips i shouldn't wonder :0/
One stupid thing i should report is that i went in to the loos at a lovely country pub we like to frequent last Wednesday. I've been there a million times even had my wedding reception there, i walked in to the loos and thought god this place is going down hill, they stunk to high heaven, it was not until i was washing my hands that i noticed the urinals in the mirror. :0/ Yak i had actually weed in the blokes toilets what the hell is my life coming to?  Bubba 4 is lovely its not like im lacking in sleep, just lacking in brains :0(
        Seeing how this blog has mainly been infused by child 3 and her antics i would like to leave you a picture of 'Dead chick head' this hat was an actual winner in the Easter hat parade!! boy 40 says it probably won because there was clearly no parental help involved :0/
Until next time my lovely's Happy Saturday

Kylie Arse? I should be so lucky. Lucky Lucky Lucky :0/

Hey readers, psychiatrists and loyal friends How are you?

I thought I had better put a blog out, its been a while and the last one was really crap!

I am not really sure where to start so many stupid things have happened.

Bubba 4 is currently led beside me sleeping, she is I have to say the most lovely baby I have ever known, apart from child 3 who was equally as good as a baby, (I'm slightly worried about that fact) She sleeps for most of the day, from 10 to 7 in the morning and when she’s awake she’s always smiling and happy, please don’t be jealous any new baby owners (remember I did have child 2 who was in hospital most of the time and did not sleep through the night until she was 6 :0/ )

So you would think then that my life would be easy wouldn’t you?

Mmmmm The first disaster to report would be child 2's birthday party. I blame boy 40 for this one entirely! The idea was to take her most favourite people skating, I had arranged to meet everyone at the skating destination at 1pm. I was also to pick a few up on my way there. The first problem with this was that Sharon the 7 seater still was not ready (I think the garage was basically rebuilding her from what I could gather) This inconvenience meant we needed to take 2 vehicles in which to transport everyone back to ours.

Boy 40 her father and transport 2 decided it was a 'good' idea to work until 12.30pm leaving me to sort out everything on my own in the morning and feed bubba 4 twice by myself (I still have no brain) it was never going to work, To top it off it decided to start snowing. I packed up the house in my bag ( you need a lot of stuff for a then 6 week old baby) at 1.10pm I was still faffing with the car seat, boy 40 was 'in the shower) !! at this point I could have flushed his head down the toilet!.

It was then that I began to receive the phone calls :0( first from the boy child “where are you?? we are freezing!!” he was with his girl friend my sister & my Mr sister. I explained boy 40's involvement in the matter and they seemed to understand. Stuck in traffic sweating like a miner I received the next phone call from my friend at 1.18pm precisely, she was with the party guests they were all at the paying desk :0( ….....she had to pay for the lot of them to get in :0( I finally rocked up at about 1.30 running down the hill like a maniac with the pram the kids and their skates flying behind me :0( my palpitations were now off of the richter scale and I was sure I was melting at this point. I apologised for my complete incompetence again. Then I made a stupid joke about getting my skates on... no one laughed.

At 1.50 boy 40 came strolling in with that stupid smile on his face that I cannot be angry with. ( he obviously did not feel my stress)

So child 2 was late for her own party and someone else had now paid for it, only that would happen to me :0/

The snow came down and I forgave boy 40 at about 5pm.

The next disaster however I cannot blame him for. It started at 5.30 am one Tuesday morning, this was the time I had to wake bubba 4 up in order for her 3 hourly feeds to work out correctly for my 5.30 pm return from the dentist that evening.

At 3.30 following a day of stress I collected child 2 and 3 from school and picked up the boy child. Sharon the people carrier had still not arrived so I again struggled with the

baby seat.

Making it in to town I parked up had another fight with the car seat, attached it to the pram, being late as usual I dragged the kids quite quickly along in the rain to the dentist, the palpitations were again banging hard as the adrenalin stress whizzed about my blood stream as fast as some thirsty person sucking up drink through a bendy straw. I reached the dentist steps all 12 of them not really feeling like a human, carried up the heavy pushchair with car seat attached kids all following behind :0/ Reaching the receptionist I noticed the waiting room was completely empty....... “ Surgery has finished for the day, Your appointment was yesterday” …...... that’s all I have to say about that.

I got home and on the door mat was a letter which said id missed a hospital app for child 2 also the day before :0/ When will my brain return?

Each day before we get up I play an ingenious game called 'Guess the day' its a clever way of getting child 2 and 3 to open my bedroom curtains in the morning :0) there's no prize but child 3 walks by the landing window and looks out every morning before coming in to my room (she is the master of cheating at everything!) seeing as she always wants to win at everything, my curtains get opened every day! . This particular day however she had been sleeping like a star fish in my bed since about 3 am. So she took a wild guess that it was a bright sunshiny day and that people were skipping down the road wearing shorts and carrying flowers, I liked this definition of summer and let her win. So it was summer outside and the hoob news was good (its much nicer than the real news) …..... you know that record stopping noise? zzzzzzzrump well that’s what sound effect I would have put in there if I had sound effects. Because sadly when I got downstairs real life again smacked me in the face. My first grim discovery was that of an exploded banana in child 2's bag :0/ the 2^nd was the jumper (the only jumper) covered in spaghetti bolognase. Her skirt had grown to small and child 3's socks were wrong, the seems did not sit nicely on her toes apparently :0/ There was dog poo on her shoes thanks to someone in the village whose dogs ass appears to have problems :0( Child 2 had lost her glasses, hearing aids, her gloves and her scarf …......... I'm sure there is somekind of Bermudic triangle which hovers about swallowing these things, for goodness Sake they were all there yesterday, once they had been found of course.

Finally we find it all clean the jumper change the skirt and she’s out of the door. I breath a great big sigh of relief and then spot the asthma inhaler on the side. Aaaaaaaaaagggggghhhh Racing upstairs I dress bubba 4 put child 3's wrong coat on, leggit to the car, strap that grrrr car seat in and whizz off down the road to the bus stop. I see the bus at the junction unlucky for me it pulls up as I turn the corner I stop the car run as fast as I can with the inhaler realising at the same time that I am not properly dressed, child 2 is there in front of me stepping on to the bus, I shout my loudest but she’s never going to hear me under ear muffs a bobble hat and hearing aids. I reach the doors shhhhhhhhhhhhh they close and it pulls away. I am now standing on the side of a busy main road at a bus stop wearing my slippers :0/ for gods sake this was 8.20 am no wonder I'm insane!

The day gets worse. I return home to put proper outside footwear on and take child 3 to school. I then drive up to child 2's school with the inhaler but upon this day there was a diversion because of an accident somewhere else, this meant over a mile of stationary vehicles on the road. Lucky they were not going my way and as I passed them I thought yeah ill be clever and go home another way!! What other way? It turns out that I did no know what other way :0( it was lucky I can tell you that I still did not have the 7 seater called sharon because I am quite sure that some of those stretches were not roads :0/ 1 AND A HALF HOURS!!! what the hell? I could have gone to Devon in that time!! What idiot would think it right to put a school there? On top of that jungle of small lanes. We drove across the common the following day Boy 40 pointed to this said school and said to child 2, 'there’s your school look on top of that hill' ' what??? she replied 'but its Saturday!' ???? mmm I just growled.

I was though very proud of child 2 she’s not had the best of starts and at parents evening a few weeks ago I was told that her smile brightens up the room, We also had news this week from the hospital. It appears following some tests they sent off to London that her immune system is slightly uppity in two areas, This would explain a lot of things, they cant do anything about it but its good to have some kind of explanation.

The day of this said appointment yet another unfortunate bonkers event was to occur we have to travel some way to this hospital and it is always very stressful, so on the way home we decided to visit a country pub for some tea and much needed wine. We sat there by the fire child 2 & 3 chatted about their crap day and bubba 4 had her much needed bottle, half way through dinner boy 40's phone rang, we looked at it on the table and the number buzzing up was our home number,?? we looked at each other knowing that there was no one in, obviously because we were all out, watching someone phoning us from the house we were not in!!!

The boy child was at his girl friends. Boy 40 answered 'hello hello' he said and who ever it was hung up, it rang again and again no one spoke. We were as you can imagine quite alarmed by this and finished eating quickly to return home thinking all sorts of things.

Entering the house all was all quiet I walked through to the kitchen and put bubba 4's car seat on the floor, everything looked normal then I heard boy 40 whisper pssssst come here, I was scared as I walked towards the living room, he pointed inside and there was the dog sat upon the sofa (which she is most defiantly not allowed to do!) her big fat furry arse was sat on the phone! …......... my dog can use the telephone! And so it appears can my own arse, you wouldn’t think that 2 such events could occur in a matter of days, and this is what I said to my mum in my defence :0/ I used to have a Kylie arse but following the pregnancy addiction to monster munch it has gone ,

I mean I am sure its still there somewhere but I cant find it. This is probably why I did not feel the telephone underneath it :0( apparently my mum and dad were shouting down the phone for 20 minutes, blasting the tv speakers through it and all sorts, of course the noise would have been very muffled and I couldn’t hear a thing. Our mobiles were also going mad ' Who the hell keeps ringing us tonight?' I kept shouting (mobiles are work things they don’t need to be answered in the evenings). Or are we to lazy top go find them ? I don’t know. Anyway 45 minutes later following a round telecommunication trip of about 15 miles the boy child comes down the stairs. ' Mum auntie mands just phoned me you’ve rang nanny and blocked up her land line !!' It was then that I discovered what my arse had done and felt a little foolish, well if that’s not incentive to kylie up my arse again I'm not sure what is :0/

Sorry if your bored by the way this is the problem I don’t get much time to blog any more and my life just backlogs in my head, I need to get rid of it so I can learn to forget about it :0/ Well its just child 3 now really so I could be here a while longer :0/

Child 3 apparently has a massive posse at school :0/ the other day the posse was hiding her from people who think they are her best friends :0/ I told her that this was very unkind and that we live in a small village where posse's do not exist, in her next breath she asked for smoke salmon and olives in her lunch box for dinner the next day, which I didn’t think was very street at all!

That evening she mended the toilet cistern (she actually did) its never worked properly may be we should have got her to build our house instead of that big gob shite of a builder :0/

May be this is also another reason that she is on the gifted children’s list. The Boy child was not on this list but is currently working at an A level on 4 Alevels and for this I am very pleased ,we have just filled out the forms for an information day at Oxford university, its all making me a bit sad really I hate the thought of them growing up, sometimes however he is not grown up. Like when I packed him off to another teenage party last week with his snuggle blanket :0/

The words Red Rum appeared in child 3's bathroom the other day, I would have been worried but they were written in red bath crayons in the boy child’s writing, child 3 currently thinks she’s having bathroom banter with a ghost, the conversation in bath crayon has been going on for sometime. May be that’s the reason I heard what I did the other night. Child 2 I quote ' Don't expect me to come round your house and flush your toilet every time you use it!!' :0/ child 3 was probably too busy communicating with the ghost to do that sort of thing.

Well we finally got the people carrier called Sharon and decided to all go out for the day (we haven’t been able to do this since bubba 4 arrived) I moaned all of the way down the motorway and would have worn a paper bag on my head if I had one, I felt like I was in a bus, it had taken 6 weeks for the garage to get it sorted and I hated it :0/

We ended up at Symths toy shop. Myself, boy 40 bubba 4, child 2 Boy child and his girlfriend. We all looked quite normal when we walked in and then the doors burst open behind us …..........child 3 had arrived :0/ WOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHHH she shouted as she ran, hit the floor skidded on her knees to the middle of the second isle. She then rolled over and became some kind of snow / floor angel shouting 'OH MY GOD ….... IVE COME HOME'!!!! at the very top of her voice.

She spent 100 quid that day :0/ thankfully it was saved up Christmas money. We also did build a bear where you spend about a million quid stuffing your own bear and another million buying clothes for it. Bubba 4 was actually mistaken for a bear but the people didn’t look as if they could afford her.

We also had to buy child 3 an outfit for a christening the following day which took a while seeing as all she will wear is a pair of jeans and a sponge bob T-shirt :0/

Upon arriving home she dumped the 100 quids worth of toys and proceeded to make one of her own, it was her new best friend 'David chocolate marshey Bloonum'. ( it was a balloon dressed in clothes I think she got the idea in build a bear, only hers didn’t cost a fortune and has now popped. Later that evening child 3's hex bug nanos invaded child 2's Sylvanian family houses :0/ they wrecked the place :0( Mr and Mrs Pola bear who have recently adopted the elephant children were not pleased. In fact it caused a bit of a scrap :0/

Child 3 also had a bit of a culinary faux pas last week in the dinner hall at school ,pancake day it was, apparently we should never attempt to eat Ritz biscuits with prawns on and Jaffa cakes on top. It makes you feel sick. She felt sick again that evening when she attempted to eat about 7 pancakes :0/ her and boy 40 always make them its become tradition, It was on this pancake day that I thought to myself is child 3 actually normal? She phoned up her Nanny and told her that she had just eaten 25 pancakes and that she even ate one off of the floor because it was daddy's best one and it got flipped there !!! ??? She then in a very serious singing voice sang ' Ground control to major Tom, time to put your pancakes on' and put the phone down!?? that was the last Nanny heard of her until she phoned again asking if she could have the last pack of skittles ???

Child 3 and I walk home every day from school its nice to have a bit of one to one time (I take these times to try and fathom her genius brain) Every single day I ask her 'What have you learned today?. Only on 2 occasions has she ever said anything different from 'Nuffin much' once when she learnt that a curtain pole was not a toy and today when she learnt that the Romans wore red tunics so you could not see their blood :0/

Apart from telling child 2 about the Bob Marley song Jammin being Written about doughnuts ive kind of forgotten the rest or have conveniently put it out of my mind.

Well that’s it phewwy! I feel better now that I have emptied my stresses on to you, I can now fill up my head with new ones.

Until next time faithful counsellors

xxx

p.s I had to dump Sharon it was never going to work :0/

Return of the PMT. & Does my bum look big in this? ...... Well Frankly yes it does

Hello

I’m sat in the car so I thought id make a start on the blog, I’m kind of finding blogging hard at the mo so please be grateful for this next crap instalment of my life.

I'm texting it with one hand bubba 4 is on my lap, my other hand is holding a dummy in her mouth whilst my knee goes up and down very fast, I find my knee doing this even when im not holding her, people must think I have a nervous tic and I often rock when I'm alone....... but I’ve always done that :0/

I appear to have made another mistake, I am sat outside my friends house who currently is not at home :0/Had I listened to my answer phone messages I would have stayed at home until she was in :0/

Well life has been eventful that’s for sure, I am finding that I need to do things very fast and with one hand most of the time. Since Daddy mummy went back to work my house has looked like a terrorist attack, he has had to rush home like bat man on many occasions to rescue me...... I'm not really sure how I coped 3 times before??

Boy 40 is currently my hero he has been amazing, and I have been, well quite crap really. Cooking experiences have not improved. Daddy mummy has thankfully been the main cooker which is good. …........Its nice here in the car actually, a bit smelly but nice, a change of scenery although I am getting weird looks off of my friends neighbours, im worried they may call the police. Oh god I have to go I have just dropped the dummy on the floor :o/

Hey its me again I'm back, although its one week later! I can see this is going to take a while.

Today I write again with one hand, I haven’t been to well over the last few days and neither has bubba 4 Daddy mummy has had to step in again.

I attempted to go out on Saturday night, it was a complete disaster, I made the effort because it was a big birthday meal to celebrate my best friends 40^th it was also the birthdays of 3 other friends, I realised about an hour after I arrived that I was not ready to be integrated back in to society, it is good that I have known these friends for 20 years as my emotional out bursts of I want to go home, do you think she's ok? baby separation anxiety spool could have been alarming for those who do not know me quite so well :0/

The waiter should have said a table for 9 and one mentalist when we arrived. we were home by 10.30 and very happy to see bubba 4 I’m probably never going out again :0/

Child 3 has finally found peace of mind in the fact that she is officially now the 'only child' and this is what she gladly wrote on the birthday card of child 2 who is now a teenager :0/

Cleverly worked out you have to agree! Bubber 4 is a baby 1 and 2 are teenagers thus leaving her as the 'Only child'. This has only taken about 10 months for her brain to come up with but we are all glad and can breathe a sigh of relief...... She’s still jealous though :0/

The other day she told her friends mum that we had the Health inspector coming :0/ I mean I know my cooking’s crap but the kitchen is clean. Sometimes ;0) of course she meant the health visitor but found it very funny when I explained the difference between the two and now she tells everyone. I wondered the other night if the nerf dart gun was a good idea for child 3 for Christmas, Boy child's poor girlfriend looked genuine terrified as child 3 rolled in on her roller boots and took shots at them both :0/ The sound of the roller boots on the wooden floor resembled world war 2 sirens. She’s fast ill give her that for a learner and her shot is very accurate. It was worrying though when she took her walkie talkies outside along with the nerf dart gun, she was playing ninjas with the passing public, I'm not sure they were willingly participating in the game though :0/

I was impressed last Tuesday by her quick thinking, we popped to the local shop after school. upon reaching the counter I discover I did not have enough change. She looked at the shop keeper and said “can we trade?” I’m not entirely sure what she wanted to trade probably my baby for a newspaper knowing her. The shop keeper was not having any of it though so we purchased the most imprtant things (sweets and chocolate ) and went home.

That evening it was kind of nice and quiet around the bed time hour. Child 3 was nowhere to be seen. We Wondered after a while if we should let on that we all actually knew that she was behind the living room door and not in bed ? Everyone knew she was there and we all tried our hardest not to laugh as the door occasionally moved and got pulled back to the wall.

After a while we realised that she would in fact stand there all night so decided to foil her cunning plan. Teeth cleaning was eventful that night I'm not sure what child 2 did but the words from child 3 of ' MY GOD YOU GREAT BIG BIG FLUMPING IDIOT' were loud as they reached our ears 2 floors below. This was the second time I heard child 3 shout loudly on this day, the first was when she hit a drain on her scooter on the way back from school and flew through the air with magnificent style, before hitting the ground. Apparently it was a 'stunt'. She said this as she shockingly staggered up from the ground in surprise. It was very authentic. I told her she should be in films.

I spent some time on the open road with my car Trixy bell on the wednesday. She’s going soon you see to make way for a car big enough to fit us all in, I felt a lot like Mr Toad, I drove fast and had the stereo up loud, I was a normal human being for a while. To tell you the truth I am finding it difficult to let her go. I mean what sort of duffer would swap a lovely Toyota with silver trim surround sound system, 0 to 300 in 3 seconds interior extras with spangling twinke lights on the doors for a people carrier called Sharon?? …..... me apparently.

Poor child 2 has been unwell again her temperature of 39.4 was quite alarming last friday night I spent most of that weekend terrified. Thankfully she’s better again now. She has kindly made me a swear box, you must have noticed I have not sworn yet? Well the b****rring F***** thing is full up already and I am not surprised!! These are reasons why I swear. Child 2 was off of school for a week last week due to the said horrible virus, being a scatty idiot I had forgotten to register child 4's birth. This particular day was the last day to do it. Running about like a manic I did physio medicines fed bubba 4 winded her fed the pets got small person 3 to school before all that and generally had a nervous break down just trying to leave the house, child 2 was quite ill and looked as pale as a snow man, I dressed them up to Michelin man proportions and got them in the car, I'm still struggling with that baby seat and spent 10 minutes swearing my head off, as the seat belt again and again refused to go round it. Child 2 was not impressed by my language and clocked up a tidy sum of money. By now I was wearing a T-shirt my outer garments and jumper were slung on the drive as I sweated in a stressed state of panic. I was 5 minutes later than the appointment already and could swear that I had pmt coming on. I raced like a deranged bufoon to the registry office parking on the road and carting the baby seat and child 2 up the hill, thank god I was just wearing a T-shirt I was now about to explode. I got there and wondered why the hell I did not park in the car park??? why I do these things ill never know. Bashing the seat myself and child 2 through the door I must have looked insane, but this was ok because 'no one' was there ' :0/ it suddenly dawned on me that I was in fact an hour early :0( fec!

I sat down feeling very angry with myself it was a good job child 2 and her swear box could not hear the voices in my head they were coming out with some hideously disgusting language. Feeling the onset definite pre mentstrelness I was not happy when someone else also arrived, her appointment was obviously well before mine....... Was this the most disgusting woman on the planet??? yes I think it was . my anger was very well controlled as she started crunching crisps, it was the loudest crunching of crisps I had ever heard. Boy 40 has been growled at for much less than that I can tell you, not only crunching but spitting there were crisp crumbs every where I was furious. Then she went in. When another rather posh lady came to get me for my appointment she was faced with a crisp explosion a Michelin snow man who looked like something off of dickens and me, a crazy mentalist in a T-shirt with a foul look upon her face. Well that was that and now bubba 4 officially exists.

I arrived at school last Monday in a state of bewilderment it was a typical Monday morning, the swear box indeed had another bashing on this day, child 2 says the proceeds will go to a homeless charity, bloody hell all of the homeless in the UK will be living in Buckingham palace by next Friday :0/

no glasses no hearing aids, child 3 had developed dreadlocks, child 2 had managed to get tangled up in a reel of black cotton? It was all over the house and attached to her clothes in many ways, how she did it I'm unsure but am still having flash backs to trying to untangle it all as her friends were walking up the path to collect her.

The cat had pooed beside the litter tray. Boy child had missed his bus bubba 4 had wind and I realised that I had ordered much needed shopping for the following week by mistake :0/ The dog was barking which wound me up even more' WHATS THAT DOG BURPING AT??' I shouted in full blown Freudian slipster speech. child 3 also was wearing the wrong trousers again and was not that happy about it.

Will things ever be any different? I think not yesterday I completely messed up the vat and submitted some complete load of shite of which the inland revenue will not understand in a million years, I then broke my best nail and tipped milk all over the cat......... stupid little git shouldn’t have been trying to get in the fridge.

I have still got a massive arse and do not know when my kylie arse will return, everyone keeps saying ah don’t worry about it she’s only 6 weeks old!! 6 weeks is long enough when you have an arse as fat as mine!.

Well happy friday everyone I'm off to wash bottles try and squeeze in to some size 10's and spend the day watching trashy day time TV

Adios I mean goodbye grr those Freudian slips

P.S my attempt at cooking this week :0/

I only went and did it!!! who needs hypno births? justwear a pair of Tazmanian devil socks!!

Hello and good tidings to you all, all 3,933 of you ...........
I Write to you surrounded by Christmas chaos i am at the moment typing from a very small hole which does not contain toys chocolates or wrapping paper.
    Please forgive me today for my poor spelling, punctuation and lack of decent use of the English language. Im not sure if i actually exist at the moment, this could all be part of a surreal dream infused by 9 months of insomniac island living and 15 days of  new baby. Yep 15 days that's how old my gorgeous little small person number 4 is!
     She was born 12 days before Christmas in 30 minutes without pain relief :0/ I have gone to the trouble of summing up the past 15 days in a yule tide song for you, ill attach it at the end. Although you've probably had enough of Christmas songs by now.
 I myself have spent most of Christmas crying :0/ not because im unhappy its this weird hormone thing the other day i cried because i had forgotten to give the kids the reindeer food on Christmas eve  . To be quite honest with you i still feel like ive been kicked up the arse by a horse.
       Child  the 4th was only due yesterday if you don't have the patients to read down to the song i wrote especially for you, here's what happened the longer version.
       It was Sunday bed time when i realised i had booked myself in to 3 different places on Monday the following day. Coffee in town at 9.00 with Jane, The whole morning till lunch time with Fizzer off of Quedgleyshire and the afternoon with Claire eating cake in a restaurant over the hill from where i live. All of these were of course not going to happen and overlapped by a good few hours.  I was also so fat by now that i literary could not get up, sit down, drive, walk and found simple communication very difficult, so i found it surprising that i had arranged so many things to do for one day :0/ I also discovered upon this night that if i physically moved my massive baby bump before moving myself it wasn't half as painful. Well these to things were not to matter much anymore because at 3.20 am i was rudely awoken by a loud pop! I lay there for a minute this was when when i realised that i had only heard that pop 3 other times in my life.
I have to say i felt the pop too and was surprised that i had not been blown out of bed to start whizzing about the room rasping like an exploded or popped balloon flying in to the corners by sheer g force of the explosion.
          I thought about this for a minute and wondered why i was so calm? it was weird may be that hypnomentalist had taught me something after all?, the previous 3 pops had put the fear of god through me instantly. I thought id better get up before the water started making its way out, it was then that Niagara falls erupted luckily i was now in an upright position and away from all soft furnishings, the pressure was immense i  had literally  popped i was so fat my skin was so tight there was no other option. Im sorry to go on with the descriptions of this common event but bloody hell i was like a bath wots plug hole had been pulled out only there was no drainage system installed in me and the bathroom floor resembled the canal down the road :0/ ah well i thought those floor tiles could do with a wash if the waters clean enough to house my baby for all those months its sure clean enough to wash the floor.
          I shoved on a pair of leggings and a pair of tazmanian devil socks from boy 40s draw (i would recommend these socks if you reqiure a quick birth, i may rent them out, ill charge a tenner they worked much better than the hypno birth cd ) I left my nighty / potato sack on and made sure my hair looked nice, my face was a mess but who cares it was dark. I warned the hospital by telephone and thought i should wake boy 40 (who could sleep through Armageddon)
'Yo babes its um all kicking off!'! i said calmly........no response  nothing. MY WATERS HAVE GONE!!!!!!!! Nothing ........ WAKE UP ........Nothing. In these times of frustration i find the only solution normally  is to hold his nostrils together until his reflexes kick in and he has no choice but to realise something aint quite right. (Like the small fact he cannot breathe) . The sight before him i admit was a little scary i now had a portable canal water catcher in the shape of a  very large bath towel, this may have resembled some kind of weird toga or suffocation device to an asleep person who cannot breathe, i agree i may have looked a bit like a murderer :0/ ' Erm Hellooo' i said politely 'my waters have gone' He then leapt from the bed like a frightened gazelle  in a fast athletic gymnastic kind of  action hes probably not been able to do since 1994 'WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????? SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!! OMFG he panicked running about looking for clothes to put on, he kind of reminded me of myself back in 1999 before the birth of child 2. I was just glad to still be calm at this point. I sat on the stairs listening to him flitting about, i was waiting for something to kick off but as yet nothing was. I could soon tell that was turning back in to himself he was taking now a bit longer than he aught to be. 'Do you know where the hospital is?' i asked just referring to the time when he got lost and i had child 2 in the car. He was still too involved in trying to get sorted so i waddled upstairs upstairs to wake child 1 he got in the bed just in case small persons 2 and 3 woke up and came in.
Boy 40 was still faffing so i decided to just leave the house, at this point the sole fell off of my boot?? the only footwear that still fit my fat feet :0/ why it chose this particular time to do this i have no idea. Boy 40 was now hot on my trail 'just go sole less we have no choice' he panicked , i now looked liked some kind of care in the community waddling down the steps with one boot in half still holding my toga and  a baby bag which was only half packed. Boy 40 then swore and returned to the house. he had the wrong keys. I stood by the car  it was freezing cold and very misty a hound of the baskavilles kind of night. He then appeared ........ and then disappeared? what does he do in these moments? im sure i will never know, the toga was about to do a dam buster as he shouted down 'shit your mum n dad haven't got a key to get in!!' so he went back in again. A split second later he had bolted down like batman let me in the car and frantically defrosted the outside of the windscreen, he then ran back up to the house to turn off the Christmas tree  lights  i just sat inside looking at my poor boot, i loved those boots.
           We were both now inside the car. Now my car has this problem, it mists up on the inside and what ever you do you cannot touch this mist if you do you will not be able to see out at all for at least 15 minutes or more. So we sat there in the cold for 10 whole minutes as the crappy heater blowers sorted it out.
 Boy 40 and i looked at the windscreen do other couples have these problems? it is like this every single time we go out, i try to blame the kids but really it is not them. So there we sat agreeing that it was not the best time to be just 'sat' in the car, it felt a little like the few minutes before the titanic was about to go down, when everyone was quiet but knew something big was coming . I looked at him and for a minute he was frank Spencer and i was Benny hill  and 'that' i realised is how we will always be.
           Finally we got to the hospital and nothing much happened. we drank tea watched tv, phoned nanny and grampy scared them to death asking them to transport themselves to our house quick sharpish and played scary faces with the mood lamp they had switched on.
Boy 40 and i were not used to this delay normally its pop, bang, born and i had only managed the pop so far. Im sure it was the effects of the hypno cd. Admiring my tazmanian devil socks i stood up it was then that the most hideous pain of my life shot through me. Imagine this pain, most women are in labour for hours so the dilation process is gradual, no not me 0 to 10 cm in half an hour, like a finely tuned sports car but of the cervical variety  !! that's all it was 30 minutes start to finish child 4 had a head like an alien due to the fastness of her entry in to the world, i said to the midwife ' oh my god look at her head its the shape of a butternut squash 'yeah' she said it is isn't it, ...... i just noticed that' not the most reassuring response but luckily she has a round head now.
So that was it really and this is what was in my tummy for 9 months.

We stayed in hospital for the day and night but decided to leave after the fire alarm incident, it was ok the firemen turned up and sorted it out but i thought the best place for me would be home before anything else of such like happened.  Boy 40 i have to say has been the best daddy mummy i could have ever wished for, the first night home we had home made beef wellington , hes done all of the housework, looked after the kids and taken care of all the pets whilst  i have done nothing at all, apart from feed small person 4 every 3 hours. Child 3 is still a little jealous  we could tell this by the way she reclaimed a fisher price crocodile xylophone from child 4's bedroom. It used to be hers i agree when she was about 2. Apparently its her favorite toy and we have been lucky to have listened to many xylophone concerts on it since.
 Ive never seen so many friends in all my life one day visitors started arriving at 11 am with the last ones leaving at 9pm. this went on for the entire week after i had her :0/  i am though overwhelmed by the amount of cards and presents we had, to date i have over 70 cards so far its so nice to have such lovely friends and family, i don't need to buy any baby clothes for months and have enough champagne to sink a battle ship!
          Christmas was hectic but lovely, father christmas came and bought the entire floor space of toys r us, child 3 is now the proud owner of a pair of lazer guns a nerf dart gun and some roller boots :0/  child 2 is whizzing about on a unicycle everywhere and the boy child spent most of Christmas on his new gaming chair. Every year we have a small nativity play. Small person 3 was the casting director this year, Boy 40 was the donkey as per usual, hes the only one who will put up with child 3 sitting on his back all the way to Bethlehem, child 2 was to be a Shepard whilst child 3 cast herself as Mary, Joseph, the king that gives gold the inn keeper and the star of Bethlehem!! She did ask if child 4 could be baby Jesus to which i kindly declined on her behalf :0/ Being home all 6 of us together has been the best present ever. Anyway i really have to go child 4 is stirring i shall come with more tales of Christmas in the next blog, Until next time campas
Happy new year ;0)

            The Twelve Days of Christmas          

On the first day of christmas my baby came to me

…........it was bloody agony

On the second day of christmas I had to do a wee

…........it was very stingy

On the third day of christmas I had to go home

…........there was no charge in my mobile phone

On the fourth day of christmas I had a glass of wine

….......It was about bloody time!

On the fifth cay of christmas they all came to me

….......SIX BILLION VISITORS!!!!

4 a glass of wine, a talk on me phone about me stingy wee and that twas when my baby came to me .......

The End

Don't panic Elton John im not making a habit of my song writing talents ;0)

Paul McKenna ive spent a tenner on a dodgy hypnosis cd ....... help

Well Campas 

Its only 2 weeks until D day, and im bricking it, i am now resorting to self hypnosis for a pain free birth and it is not going well (see letter below) :0/ I haven't written for a while because, well quite frankly im struggling to get about now, im only 5ft and im supposed to have baby's as big as a ten ft women would have ?? is that fair? i mean how does that work? obviously the space between my ribs and pelvis is smaller by miles, so i suppose the only way is out. which is what my bump has done, im about 1 cm away from it touching the steering wheel now, although driving is not the best of ideas, i thought this as i reversed in to the wall yesterday :0/ 

Another of natures mistakes would be why give me a preggers brain where i drop 'everything' i touch but not to give me arms long enough to pick it all up again?? ive no idea what dropped stuff is all over the place all i can see when i look at the floor is a Massive beach ball. My cooking has got progressively worse if indeed that was possible, things were not too bad sunday until i removed the baking tray from the oven forgetting to wear oven gloves :0( 3 minutes later i poured boiling water to drain the potatoes and it missed the sink  :0( that hurt my foot. Boy 40 who is now my carer and everything else because im so incompetent, had to come and rescue me again :0/

 I sprayed child 3's bright orange hair dye she had for children in need on my arm pits and it wouldn't come off, it was a good job i never went in to labour that day, i looked like an oompalompa, i look like an ompalompa without the orange skin cover believe me. Child 3 also made a potato snow man out of her dinner this week (im sure mash potatoe shouldn't be of the consistency where you can actually sculpt with it :0/ ....)   I bet Nigellas kids have never done that :0(

 I did though discover that may be im not as mad as i thought, according to Holly and Phil on this morning sleep texting is quite normal, a friend also sent me a news paper clipping confirming the fact, so that's one thing to be grateful for!! 

            The goblins have been out as per usual, firstly i had the plague again last week! the second time in 2 months. In bed i was for 3 whole days!! poor boy 40 was running about like an idiot bringing me stuff, feeding me grapes and all that. Luckily he didn't get my morning goblins, it appears to be just me they follow about. Last Monday was a typical day of it. My car decided it didn't want to go anymore which was smashing, child 3 dropped an entire bag of rabbit food on the kitchen floor at 8.25, child 2's hearing aids were no where to be seen her ruck sack was bust beyond repair and she had lost her maths book, i really felt like going on strike, taking some industrial action for my sanity.  Well the teachers all did it, not that i cared because i got a lie in on that Thursday, trouble is strikings not an option for us self employeds, we mortals are a bit different to them not so 'special' perhaps, but erm excuse me there's a reccesion on i haven't got a pension to moan about although boy 40 and i have had massive wage cuts in the last few years. We could stay home and strike too but no one would listen to us so we just carry on with out flipping moaning about it!!! grrrr

              Child 3 was behaving in such an angelic manner Friday morning that i wondered what was happening, she got up early got dressed without being asked, brushed her hair, fed all of the inside pets, attempted making a bit of breakfast, (ill let her off of that mess for effort) she then went outside and fed the outside pets, she also kindly considered their welfare and as it was a bit cold she shoved about 6 bales of hay in the cage (i ll forgive her for that mess too) i have  a grassed patio now. Then it dawned on me Daddy was taking her to see father Christmas on that evening !!! She had told me a few weeks ago that she had a few things to 'explain' to him :0/  The visit went well although child 3 said she could not understand a word he said, apparently he sounded just like the man from south wales....... remember the one?? good god i hope he's not back here pretending to be father Christmas, i shall keep my curtains closed. Child 3 was in the bath the other day when she looked very thoughtful.......... 'Mum' She asked 'You know in the song when they say hes gonna find out if your naughty or nice?? 'Yes' i replied ' Well what if you are naughty and nice??' I wasn't too sure what to say to that.

          Talking about songs, she made up a beautiful one the other day accompanied by her ukele the only thing was it was called My dog is dead., A rather unfortunate title. Listening to a conversation in the back of the car the though was very amusing, A conversation about cheese! child 3 was trying to explain something to child 2 'you know!!!' she kept saying 'That cheese they put in McDonalds burgers .......... Protest cheese!!' lol well you cant blame the cheese for protesting about that can you?  

          Poor Child 2 is unwell again :0( bad timing or what, she caught that nasty virus i had :0( physiotherapy is not coming easy to me at the moment i need arms as long as mr Tickle to do it well, im hoping she will be well before i go pop Talking of going pop im gonna have to go i seem to have been dribbling on about nothing for ages, ill leave you with my letter of desperation for help of a pain free birth to Paul McKenna im hoping he will reply very soon.

            So if you don't ever hear from me again it wouldn't be a bad thing, it just means i literally exploded and was not pregnant after all,otherwise no doubt i shall  have a good birth story to tell lets just hope its not like child 2's, entertaining i agree but a little stressful :0/

Goodbye Faithful readers see ya soon ;0)

               

              

P.s Rip Harriet hamster the second

Stand and deliver are you talking about my wife?

Good morning, Good evening, Good afternoon and Good day to you. Depending of course on what time of day you got bored enough to track down my latest blog.

           I write to you today from the land of snugs ville Ala duvet. I am amongst the entire soft Sponge Bob  toy collection and all of the fluffy bunny's, monkeys, pillows, fairy lights and pastel coloured blankies that exist in the world. Have i  finally gone mad? Is this a poetic description of my life this week? all calm, fluffy and beautiful with no stress in it? ... No don't be bloody stupid.

         Tonight i have organised a girly sleep over with child 2 and 3.

All was well and good, we've done nails, hair, make up well as far as child 3's standards go (my face is green) :0/ we have marshmallows DVDs etc. All 'was' well and good i should say  until the sponge bob Ukulele and tambourine came out :0/

Don't get me wrong i have nothing against a bit of Cum By Ya late at night by torch light  amongst the soft furnishings but the boy child has only taught child 3  Johnny Cash and Nirvana and played like 'that' quite late on a Friday night is a bit much :0(

         To make things worse Child 2 has not stopped talking about i Carly since about 6.15, for someone with less lung capacity than most she has managed not to take a breath for at least 4 hours :0/  And they have also invited the pets !!

I suppose the pets are girls but are girls supposed to smell  like that? i think not I have just evicted the dog for silent farting and she is not coming back!.

            We are having a sleep over because the boy child has taken his Daddy to see Adam Ant in concert in Bristol Hence the title of the blog,

           I realised today that i worry about boy 40 if he goes off and does extra curricular activities, we are always together you see. I'm stressing about Mosh pits really, The boy child is a frequent visitor to these said pits at concerts and I'm not sure boy 40 will like them, its hardly Jools Holland with a civilized picnic and wine at Durham Park :0/ Although reading festival was a bit more lively well until he got lost going to the toilet :0(

          May be i shouldn't be such a worry how bruised can your ribs get in a mosh pit? i just feel rather protective over him we have been the best of friends since we were kids i was 11 & he was 13 and i now know him better than he does. His last words as he left the door were come on then son lets go find that mash pot!! :0/ he winked at me at this point but you can see why i worry.....

          I'm sure they will be fine i just had a text from them and some fat boy has been thrown out for crowd surfing :0/ well he tried crowd surfing but failed and squashed a girl 4 rows from the front :0/

     So back to my sleep over I am able to concentrate on blogging now as they have just disappeared. Apparently the floor is 'Lava' ....... i normally hate it when my floor is lava it happens a lot but at least it gives me five minutes to do this. I say five minutes but even with their Orangutan monkey skills it normally takes at least ten to get from the living room to child 2's bedroom 2 floors above......... its hard without a floor. I'm not sure about the health and safety implications of this frequent floor lava occurrence and am sure there would be much paper work if it was ever to become a game on the shelf in a toy shop!

         Safety is something which has not come naturally to me this week, 'pregnancy brain gone awol syndrome' is now at its best. Tuesday morning i left the house as usual to do the school run, being rather large at the moment (a beach ball with legs) is the best way to describe myself. I have to walk the dog on the common each morning, i waddle she runs, this way she gets more exercise than if shes on a lead. This particular day i reached the said common opened the back door of the car and there was no dog :0/ 

    I felt rather foolish as the other dog walkers parked either side of me and got out, for they actually had dogs, so i sheepishly got back in the car and drove off, hoping i hadn't left her somewhere stupid. It was alright she was in her bed when i got back with her lead on and a ball in her mouth :0/

There was now no time now for walkies i settled down to finish some work my last thing to do before maternity leave officially starts. Each year i do the towns maps and posters for the Christmas goodwill evening extravaganza, this year the theme was of a Dickensian nature. This meant lots of vibrant and striking colours and old fashion script type things, old fashioned normally means using the colour yellow ochre, yellow ochre is not a good colour to be painting in when you are also eating peanut butter sandwiches :0/ I have spent years dipping my paint brushes in coffee and drinking from the paint filled water pot but i have never eaten a huge blob of paint before. Yes ladies and gentlemen yellow ochre is exactly the same colour as peanut butter a new discovery i made on this day :0( i just presumed that the big blob on my finger had fell off of my sandwiches and so ate it up. :0( Every time i look at the posters now they make me think of peanut butter and eating paint :0( . Take a look https://www.facebook.com/pages/Rachel-Pegler-Artworks/156853567669303 its a most excellent event too so pop down.

       That was not the end of my diet disasters this week. I can safely say that my cooking (not that its ever been great) is getting worse i am disappointed that i have not been evicted from the kitchen. I have though this week combined my cooking skills with a new dragons den idea !!! The doggy pizza Frisbee

................. Its good isn't it? its been tried and tested if your reading Peter Jones, or Debra Meaden. The fling aspect was very successful it went some distance across the patio and the dog played with it for a good 20 minutes. It then (this is the best bit) turns in to a doggy chew, it'll keep your dog entertained for a very long time!! So Debs if your around, because you may be i see your heading up some awards of some sort in town at the mo just pop in, i have many other examples  my Toast Flingers are good too the dog loves them in the mornings ;0)

           Sunday lunch was also a disaster this week. Most people peel there vegetables 'before' they cook them :0/ mine were so brown that i had to peel them afterwards :0(  I cant really talk about this anymore there is just too much to say on the matter and it will get very boring.

           I write this evening also with a bit of guilt in my mind. The other day i told boy forty that he would probably go to hell and spiral in to a world of gluttony and no morals if he ate the tin of roses chocolates we have in the cupboard before Christmas :0/ ......... I'm sorry to say that i ate the Christmas biscuits when he was at work the other day :0/  now i feel bad Ive also bet him £20 that 'he' will eat them before crimbo such was my angry stance about those sorts of things being 'special' luxuries :0/

I'm just going to have to blame it on the baby child 4, she loves biscuits!! 

            I was very touched the other Saturday. Knowing about my hideous cravings for prawns at the moment my good friend Paul follower number 2 (out of 3,500 secret readers get in)  kindly spent the afternoon cooking me a whole tray of prawn vol-a-vents !!!! My god i was so happy that day. My other good friend his wife and side kick Ali then got in her car and drove the 4 ish miles to my house to deliver them!!! how bloody nice was that??? ill never forget that as long as i live. I could not however  share the vol-au-vents though and i am sad to say i ate the whole lot :0)

           Child 3 has this week decided that if child 4 is born before Christmas that she has enough things already in her room and so father Christmas shouldn't bother until next year :0/  ...... i feel the jealousy is still there :0/ I almost did give birth the other day thanks to child 3. I was in my room last Thursday evening and thought id put on my potato sack and slippers ready for bed, i put some washing away, shut the curtains tidied up a bit and generally pottered about for at least 15 minutes, It was all very quiet and calm i then lifted my duvet to get the said nightie / potato sack.

          I must have jumped 3 ft in to the air RAAAAAA shouted small person number 3 at the top of her lungs god knows how long she had been under there and how the hell she made the bed perfectly over the top of herself i just don't know. This made her laugh so much she couldn't stand up. I swear i nearly had a heart attack that's a big thing to find in your bed unexpectedly. She bunked off of school the day previous to this, to give her her due she was displaying ill symptoms and did have a genuine temperature. I have a very accurate under arm thermometer ( i need one with child 2) and small person 3 was smugly looking at the numbers on it (everyone in my house knows what the numbers should be) Seeing as there is an awful bug going round the school i thought it best to keep her at home, i really don't like the thought of teachers having to clean up sick off of the floor :0/  all was well she watched sponge bob all day but about 2.00pm i saw a  100% improvment i could tell this by the way she could run 'that ' fast round and round the living room.

             That evening i spied on her in her room, i often do this just because her and child 2 are so funny. There she was with the temperature thermometer flinging it down from under her armpit saying ' grrrrrr that was even rubbish er than last time !!'  :0/ I'm just hoping she doesn't discover what happens if she sticks it behind the radiator, i fooled my mum with that old chestnut a million times ;0)   I keep trying to drum it in to her that she really isn't too clever not to go to school sometimes. Her attitude when shes not there is that it will give the other kids a chance to catch up :0/

 Shes just like 9 A'S boy child her mental arithmetic is unbelievable i cant do the sums she can do in her head with a calculator, mind you I'm crap at mental arithmetic,  just good at being mental ? The other day my spelling was so bad the spell checker couldn't even work it out :0/ I recon they get their brains from their daddy but that's OK cos they get their strikingly good looks from me ;0)

           I am quite sure child 3's mischievousness comes from her highly intelligent brain being bored. I went to waitrose this evening just to pick up a few things for our sleep over and general groceries for the weekend. Child 3 was in charge of the trolley and was skidding about in a scary manner as per usual, i pretended as i do that she was nothing to do with me. I then bumped in to a friend at the cheese isle and we chatted for quite a while. It was not until we reached the check out that i realised what small person number 3 had done, whilst i was chatting she had very kindly gone to the weighing scales near the mushrooms, she then had thoughtfully weighed all of my shopping and had kindly printed out sticky labels for it all with useful bar codes and prices. So now my potatoes which were £1.99 became £4.00 the mushrooms which were £2.00 were now £3.84 . I frantically tried to remove all of these sticky labels in the queue before it became my turn to pay, I'm sure the other customers must have thought i was doing something extremely dodgy, the kids by now were sat opposite on the windowsill so it appeared that i was on my own :0/ child 3 costs me a fortune at super markets once she gave the entire contents of my purse to the guide dogs for the blind :0(  

      Well apart from actually forgetting my own address this week i have nothing else to report, thank god for post code checks that's all i can say.

Ah well i better go the two orangutans have made it to their destination and I'm presuming the floor is no longer lava which is good because my heavy hefelump body would never be able to avoid the floor.

Till next time dudes xxx