Baby Showers, Cornish Showers and the orphan mouse who lives in my Shower :0/

Greetings my faithful friends followers and stalkers
I firstly will apologies for the delay in this blog (again) i now have severe pregnancy brain malfunction and am finding every day tasks like: writing, talking and walking in a straight line very difficult :o/ ............. Much like a Saturday night out really from times gone by, although you don't recover in any way the next day.
Stupidity is something i now have a degree in, just take this instance of right now!! I have just grilled the kids tea :0( 3 pieces of fish in batter grilled, its black on the top and uncooked inside this follows the last 30 minutes previous to this mistake of the oven actually being off when i thought it was on :0/
I have also had flash backs this week to the Tiffany's jumper incident from one of Aprils blogs :0( although this time it was not a jumper i scorched with fire on the stove but a scarf :0(
The smoke alarm kind of outed my mistake in a very loud way. The enchiladas that night  were of a rather woolly consistency, i took off the burnt bits though and it wasn't that noticeable so it wasn't all bad:0/
 I am seriously thinking of doing a risk assessment on my self and putting the findings of 'complete incompetence' in certificate form on my kitchen wall. At least then i may legally not be able to cook anymore and for that everyone will be grateful.
 The dog was however very grateful last Tuesday when i took out a baking tray without oven gloves, the food (our dinner) was dropped all over the floor and she gladly ate it all up :0( my food bill has doubled over the past few weeks due to the duplicate meals i have been cooking.
 If cupboards could eat my kitchen cupboard next to the dishwasher would also be very grateful. I have now chucked at least five dirty pots/ plates on separate occasions in to it instead of the dishwasher :0( It is a messy habit to be in and so is the one when i randomly empty hoover bags on to the floor instead of in the bin, after i have already hoovered :0( I also left the dog out and went out the other day its a good job i realised before id got too far ............. If any doctors are reading this please email me to reassure me this is normal pregnancy behaviour because I'm beginning to wonder.
       Well other crap things off of the last 2 weeks include the fact that my pajamas no longer fit me and i soon will be wearing a potato sack to bed. Various companies keep sending me wine brochures which i think is very unfair. And i hit a golfer in the head in a sidewinder wind accident with the dogs ball last Thursday :0(
Although on balance i expect that more dog walkers have been hit by golf balls, so in life's universal balance I'm probably a hero.
       I found out two Wednesdays ago that the lock does not work on the disabled toilet in my local Costa coffee :0/ My friend found it very amusing as she watched the middle aged man approach the toilet door and open it :o( I'm not really sure how amused he was when he saw me there 'a hideous water buffalo' trying to arrange ones tangled undergarments of which i have not been able to see for months now. In fact anything could be going on under that bump of mine, my feet could have fallen off and i would have no idea.
 He was shocked to say the least but that really was no excuse not to shut the door again afterwards! i am still traumatised to this day!
 Then ladies and gentlemen if that was not enough  to piss me off in this short span of a few days i went down with the plague!! Yes the plague! I never catch anything but just to top it off i was to catch what child 2 had the week before and had to have a week off of school for. The amount of physio i did mind you it was probably inevitable, Those coughed up germs had to go somewhere i suppose.
            Following a week of nearly passing out being as hot as a nuclear power station and having more snot than a snot factory i was glad to start getting better. My friends have also been very kind to me lately in just one week alone i was bought chocolate for a cheer me up present, made a lovely pair of earrings given some fabbydoo hair products and had many cake delivery's.
 I have also been treated to a baby shower this week down the local pub! i am glad to say i stayed up past 8.30pm like a normal human being and had a most excellent time with some amazing friends who also bought me lovely presents including a basket full of goodies and a nappy cake full of scrummy baby stuff, so hey things cant be that rubbish after all!!
          Child 3 has been up to her usual tricks the first thing to report would be the lizard which i found living  in her room :0( She is unsure of how it got there but i think it was from one of her survival missions to the forest woods, (the garden) i chased it about for 20 minutes he sure was a fast little git! I shall attach now a photo of her survival kit, apparently this is all you will ever need to survive in the forest woods (the garden), for 3 whole days!! A secret agent id card, a water bottle some sweets  and a fart box !! genius

She did not however stay up there for 3 days probably about 10 minutes :0/
         The plague was bad and i stayed in bed for 2 days one of these days i was alarmed when child 3 came up stairs looking a little worried........ Mum there's a dusty man in the kitchen!!
         I knew boy 40 was about somewhere but was rather confused as i had not heard the door. Mum quick go and look at the dusty man he has no hair, hes sat at the table with a big news paper :0/ ....... As per usual child 3's imagination was on overtime, she grabbed a super soaker from her room as defense. On entering the kitchen i find boy 40 and one of our oldest friends at the table. He'd popped round on his way home from work to look at some plans of electrics, he was bald and dusty but hes always been bald and dusty since he first time i saw him, about 2o years ago. Child 3 just laughed when she saw who it was but still shot him anyway :0/.
 The next thing to capture her imagination was the following morning. Just ready to leave school and she pops to the toilet, 'Muuuuuum look Ive done a blue wee!' she shouts down the stairs 'really?' i replied 'yeah come and look quick, its great !!' she was very excited by this unusual occurrence. Myself and child 2 had a look and indeed she had done a 'blue wee' the water was bright blue and for this she was very proud. Child 2 was amazed she had never seen anyone do a blue wee before. Child 3 of course thought she was now some kind of super hero and made me promise to leave it there so she could show boy child and daddy when they arrived home that evening.
I closed off that particular toilet to guests that day and let her go off to school thinking that she had done a blue wee, i didn't really have the heart to tell her it was the blue block id put in the cistern the night before, i might tell her one day when she's about 25, that was about the same age my sister was when i told her that our next door neighbour didn't really eat our pet hedgehog :0/ About the same age as i was when i discovered foxy loxy really did eat chicken licken (my mum was very protective in her story reading skills) :0(
              We attempted to visit Cornwall again last weekend, the weather has been lovely for October so i booked a last minute 3 day holiday, a nice relaxing break before child the 4th arrives. The weather was indeed quite nice the first day we were there, we all sat on the beach and watched child 3 try and 'kill the sea' ? with her new spade :0/ I am presuming the sea took offence to this as that night the hurricane winds came followed by the rain, i have to say it was quite cosy in the caravan until about 2 o'clock in the morning when i thought the windows may all blow in on us :0(   I would like to show you the evidence  now.... look at this!!

This campas is not a waterfall!!! these are steps! in the middle of a town :0/ All of the rivers were on flood alert, many roads looked like actual rivers and we were nearly blown to kingdom come. The lady at the village shop said she hadn't seen weather like this since the end of April!! mmmm yes i replied i haven't seen weather like this since the end of April either and that was indeed the last time i was in Cornwall. :0( So i would like to apologies to the people of Cornwall for the atrocious weather you experienced last weekend. I shall try and stay away at least until next summer, although eating soggy pasties in the car was not much fun either and at least I'm not as bad as my best friend Sarah. She escaped Cornwall  over a crumbling bridge in a land rover followed by the massive flood of Boscastle :0/ (i blame that all on her) in fact she needs to write a blog too what with that close encounter and her cliff top rescue  one year :0/  We probably should both stay away from holiday destinations with our record of blown away tents / vehicles falling down hills on campsites etc :0(
          So Cornwall was a wash out but strangely we did have a lovely time, until that was we had driven for 3 and a half hours, Radio 2 was to tell of us of the road closure of our entire village when we were about a mile away from home :0( we had come a hundred odd miles in the pissing down rain and did we see one accident? no! (this is how bad my road is). Our home was 1 minute away when we came across the road block. Some poor girl had been knocked down by a car right outside our house, we parked the car elsewhere and walked the rest of the way to discover 2 ambulances 2 first response cars, 3 police cars and an air ambulance. It makes you wonder when the twatty highways will slow the road down?, I wrote to them 4 years ago but they don't really give a shit, thankfully the girl was airlifted to hospital and is going to be ok. So to all of you arse holes who drive down our road like idiots just remember people actually live here and that you are a bunch of twats!  Gloucestershire highways sort it out you bunch of halfwits. Its no good saying there has to be 'history' on the road which means death because that's just a sick cop out for your uncaring incompetence, My poor little brother is what you call 'history' because of the low tolerance levels on another shitty road around here, we did note you resurfaced it within hours of his death to cover your backs though arseholes!.
            Anyway Soz about that rant it just makes me really angry and was not a nice thing for my kids to come home too.
          So at home we were and everyone felt a bit sad due to the circumstance on our return. As per usual when you get home from holiday there is no food in the house, boy 40 decided to cheer up the kids and order a pizza. Duh!! he then had to un order it because the road was closed.
The boy child tired of travelling then got up. 'Where are you off? i asked. Got to go and fetch Duncan Biscuit he replied. Who the hell is Duncan Biscuit you may ask? Well ill tell you, he is the stinky piss smelling little mouse which is now living in my shower room. Boy child and his friend bought the said piss smelling mouse for a birthday present for a friend before we went away. It turns out his friend is allergic to mice as is his whole family :0(. (boy child has the same kind of luck as me) So anyway Duncan was evicted from his new home i shan't bore you with details but he ended up living at the local school, he does smell badly of piss and for this they too evicted him, so he goes to live 3 doors down.
For probably the same piss smelling reasons he was too evicted from this his 3rd home. Not really what i needed after the day id had but ok. The boy child admits parental responsibility for this rodent and so hence the reason for him living in my shower room :0( I'm thinking to admit liability for this piss ridden rodent was not a good move and from things i know he may well be chased by The Csa or the Msa for roughly 20 grand until the mouse has grown up and is able to fend for his piss ridden self :0/ silly mistake boy child :0(
          Talking of the boy child i worried as i dropped him off in town a few weeks ago dressed as a sailor, hat and all :0/ he was off to a rag bash but there are many weirdos in town and i worried for his safety, even boy 40 who's laid back as anything was worried he may get beaten up.
Worried that was until i saw 8 thunder birds one cave man and captain America walk past my house, they were obviously off to the same place. All was well until 11.45 when he rings me and says 'mum can you come get me quick my lift has gone without me ! :0( yeah fine i thought I'm only 31 weeks pregnant its bloody freezing outside, Boy 40 was asleep i dare not wake him cos child 3 is in my bed again firmly cuddling daddy around the neck, and if she wakes up it'll be sponge bob till dawn. So off i rush in my nightie a coat and a pair of boots in to the night. I found my sailor boy outside waitrose thankfully before any weirdos found him. So cheers oh parent driver of that night that was a very sensible way to behave, fancy dumping a sailor in the middle of town and sodding off without him grrrrr.
          So here we are sorry if you've been bored witless, this half term has been crap and I'm at the top of child 2's get it list again!! we have since last Friday been travelling about the countryside at hospital appointments all week so i don't have to take her out of school in term time, this has also included injections and blood tests :0(  hopefully one day she will understand that its not all my fault :0( She is though however also allergic to Duncan Biscuit so if anyone wants a piss stinking mouse let me know
Until next time
See yaw xxx

P.S The name Duncan Biscuit is strictly copyrighted  ;0)

Week 28 in my big mothers house :0/

Good evening Campas
I write to you today following another week of pure calamity :0/ I'm not sure that this level of brain malfunction in pregnancy is normal? The only explanation i have would be that the recent discovery of  the 'voodoo pregnancy fairy' in my life, has got my  voodoo doll and has done some kind of partial brain removal surgery on it.
        So its week 28 in child 4's Big mothers house. At least it was when i started writing this blog, i am late in putting it out because i wrote the whole lot and deleted it immediately afterwards ! duh!! I put that down to finger carpal tunnel malfunction, or was it my brain that told me to do it? i just don't know any more :0/
I actually wrote this blog from the mouth of child four, based on her perspective of life inside my (irritated womb) that's what the midwife called it yesterday! well of course its bloody irritated its not been used to this kind of thing for 9 years, it probably thought its job was done, id be bloody irritated too if i was brought out of retirement like that!
I feel now that its probably good that i deleted it because it was full of her muffled swear words, (the only words she hears), tales of a shite Island in the night and  unexpected  fair ground rides of terror! :0/  To be honest id rather spend 9 months in Guantanamo bay and i don't envy my baby at all, to spend all of this time inside myself would be a bloody nightmare, its bad enough being me on the outside.
         Take for instance the Nights when i stop breathing, we are both fast asleep and all of a sudden child 4 is propelled upright like a human catapult. This is the reaction as my brain kicks in and says 'breathe you idiot' I then make hideous water buffalo noises whilst trying to  get breath through the swollen up air passages behind my nose and throat, this reaction works thankfully and I'm glad to say I'm still alive. I now have some anti inflammatory spray for this problem and am hoping to sleep soon. Currently i am losing 4 hours sleep every night that's 20 hours a week 80 hours a month and1040 hours a year!!! no wonder I'm a mentalist!!
 This week on insomniac island i have mostly been worrying about child  2 who is unfortunately unwell again. I can tell you this is agreeable to neither of us. Physio, pharmaceutical medicine make ups, Pep masks, nebulisers and inhalers are not easy when you are tired and fat :0(
         So tired am i now that accidents some days are just unavoidable. Last Tuesday i took a trip to the super market, the first point in my defense your honer is that trolley shouldn't have been in my parking space! and secondly that man  certainly should not have been riding a bike so close to my car door :0/
Things did not improve when i entered the place Trolleys aren't the best things to maneuver when you are a 'normal' human being!....... and this was my only defense as it swung around very fast and smashed in to another lady's trolley. Her small child was not impressed and immediately began to cry :0( I then proceeded to bash in to one of the displays knocking down hideous amounts of tinned fruit. I ran away quickly from this disaster only to bump in to someone else who grrrred at me in an un kind way :0(  ........... I left the place quite quickly after that with not much stuff i needed, i went my fastest to pick up  to child 3  from school only to find i was not supposed to be there because she had an after school club :0/
You may think sleep now is a necessary part of my life but when i do sleep its not good for me either, nor boy 40 it seems, or indeed my unfortunate friend :0/
          'Apparently' although i have no knowledge of this, i sat bolt up right in bed one night last week and shouted 'HAVE YOU SEEN THAT HORSE???' at the top of my voice, not much wakes boy 40 but the apparent upset caused to myself by an imaginary lost horse awoke him immediately. He spent the next few minutes actually having a conversation with me about the missing horse :0/ the only way to shut me up was to say that he had found the horse and that it was fine! ....... bonkers
          He has also now confiscated my mobile phone from me and hides it every night :0/  I'm unsure if sleep texting is common but my good friend Sally was not impressed by it :0/
'Apparently' (well now i know its true because i read the evidence in my sent box) she was rudely awoken by me at 3 Am by a text which said 'im just on my way to pick up the keys! ' :0/ ..... Although quite proud of my ability to actually send a text successfully in my sleep i am also rather embarrassed about it :0(
          I am blaming Doc Martin entirely, this was the night i fell asleep dreaming of a sunny holiday in Cornwall (if that could ever exist in my life). I can only presume i was picking up some imaginary keys on my way there. Sally was confused to say the least as she has never owned a holiday cottage in Cornwall and neither does she want too. So Sal I'm publicly apologising to you for this now, I'm especially sorry that it was on a work night :0/  I'm glad though that you are still my friend and that you found it funny the next day once you had removed the tired match sticks holding up your eyes :0/
          Boy 40 took a look through my phone after the sally incident and checked out the out box, this is where messages go if they fail to send. mmmmm there were a good few there, none of them made actual sense and thankfully the numbers they were supposed to go to did not exist, we both laughed a lot at them and i have been the source of amusement in the family ever since :0( .....May be I'm not as good at sleep texting as i thought :0/
            Other twatty things i have done this week include taking the 'wrong cat to the vets :0/  I'm not sure if anyone has ever done this before but i found it highly embarrassing, i mean what the hell do you say?? The 'right' cat went AWOL early that morning, i told the kids not to let her out but they didn't seem to understand those simple words. Being in a massive rush as usual, i was multi tasking (something my brain can no longer do) 8.AM Sandwiches to be made, kids to dress, breakfasts, bus passes, medicines, keys , shoes , dog lead, the list goes on. Its no wonder so many things go so wrong.
I saw the cat and subconsciously must have known it was the 'wrong' cat, but it was 'a' cat and the only one i had so i quickly shoved it in the cat box.
          The dog was a pain in the arse at the vets as usual but had her boosters done, whilst nervously farting i may add causing my cheeks to fire up red. It was at that moment that my whole face went red, there was indeed a black tail sticking out of the cat box, it should have been a grey one :0( I then knew immediately what i had done and felt very foolish. I tried to make up fake cat illnesses in my head but no good ones would come so i just had to own up.
         Twatty things that other people have done to me this week include the lady who walked in front of my car on Tuesday and insisted  that 'she' had the right of way............ on the road, where cars go ?? She was well angry :0(
Also the person slash weasel who let down my entire village last Monday by gossiping to the head teacher (who is a neighbour and friend) by telling her about a private comment i made on face book about the school nothing bad just a passing comment?????
         I mean for gods sake my status updates and the entire garbage what comes out of my mouth must really be taken with a pinch of salt! It is true that some people do not understand my somewhat sarcastic sense of humour (mainly people with personality bypasses) but anyway what can i expect?. That's what its like living in a small village where 'nothing' happens, the flimmin vicar knew i was pregnant before i did and you can't even fart without it being in the village news letter!
            Talking about farting child 3 nearly took out the whole of Swindon last Saturday :0/ Ill come back to child 3 in a moment I'm saving the best till last.
          Have you ever had a feud with an inanimate object? just wondered if it was a common problem. I have many and boy 40 although he loves me very much he thinks im not right. I fight mainly with, that god awful hoover the dishwasher and my hairdryer :0/
 I am sad to say though i now have a new mortal enemy in the shape of a helium balloon :0( Its been kicking around since child 3's birthday in September I'm staring at it right now. I swear to you its evil! On its string its exactly my height, i think the static electricity in my wayward hair attracts it to me, it floats about behind me all day dragging its string and plastic weight behind it like some kind of ghostly entity.  I have jumped out of my skin many times to turn around  finding  it right there in my face, its like a bad ass villain off of Doctor Who, silently there freaking me out at every opportunity. There were two of them but i luckily killed one  in an unfortunate scissor incident :0/  I'm just glad they cannot go upstairs, they cant lift you see just float.
Boy 40 arrived home last Thursday (i worry that he worry's about coming home sometimes) to find me having a physical punching fight with it. Its hard to get sausages out of the oven with a hideous balloon in your face, of course when you punch the thing out of the way it just comes back like bopper bear. no amount of swearing is helping but child 3 is quite attached to it so what can i do?
            So that's nearly it god I'm more boring this week than ever before!
Child 3 ......... where the hell do i start?
 I ll start with the day after the village idiot got me marched in to school.( grrrrr still very angry about that)  Child 3 who we all know is very inventive , decided to draw a Voldemort scar on her forehead with pink permanent marker pen :0/
           I kind of thought it would be bad form to send child 3 to school with a Voldemort scar on her head on this day as it could have been misinterpreted for protection, as some kind of war declaration in the fight against the two faced Facebook dark arts reporter and her tales of woe . Which of course although angry about this Face book policing and silencing of freedom of speech in a gestapo manner, I'm not one to fall out with people i like. By the way i deleted them and can safely say that all 178 friends i have are actually proper friends now.
          The forehead  took some scrubbing but we managed it, she did arrive at school looking a little like Mr Blobby but no one would be surprised by that.
          The Saturday before last we went on a family day out to Lego land a promised treat for child 1 and 3 for their birthdays. The main reason for the visit was for child 3 to obtain a Lego land driving licence, her friend Gracie has one you see and she has been very envious for quite some time.
          I figured that if i also put boy 40 through the same driving test the police may  let him off of his speeding ticket? im going to send the new licence to DVLA so they can put the points on that one.
        Following a whole day on my feet i nearly exploded, the kids had a brilliant time though , apart from that fight at the end :0/
        Talking of explosions child 3 had been experiencing tummy troubles the week prior to this and was still suffering a little. As i seem to be the worlds worst junk food addict at the moment my eagle eye was the first to spot a  Kentucky fried chicken in Swindon on our way home
. Boy 40 pulled over and we went in. The place wasn't packed but had enough diners to be satisfactory busy. This was when it all started. So  as  many times before we have all been sitting there happily eating and chatting when child 3 starts turning  green. :0/
" I cant eat anymore" she said, i immediately agreed with her, after the pizza hut episode of the last blog you can imagine i felt quite scared. It was at this moment that her face squirmed a little and she let one go from her trouser area :0( I did not know where to look and at that moment i thought the sick episode was less embarrassing at least that was not so loud :0/
The gas inside this small person could have powered a small cottage. Of course child 2 spat her chicken across the table in complete hysterics. The boy child tried to refrain from laughing at this rude behaviour  but the shakes he had and the tears in his eyes kind of gave him away. Child 3 was of course most impressed by this strange phenomena and repeated the action. She also found it hilariously funny. 
The Asian lady and her large  family opposite however did not and i worried for her elders which she had obviously taken out for a quite meal, they appeared confused (Granny pegler has never in her life laughed at a bottom explosion from her grandchild) so i completely understood an old persons view on the matter   :0( 
I was unsure at this point what to do, we were only half way through the meal.
 " Ive got tummy ache!" she piped up loudly. "No Shit" i mouthed to boy 40 who was also trying his best to ignore it. She then fired out another one which i swear lasted for over 30 seconds. These wind outbursts were also very very loud, much louder than any one's conversation. By now i think her tummy ache was easing a little as she appeared to be  enjoying her un expected hot air display a bit too much.
 Thankfully it was time to leave after 20 minutes of it, and i thought a trip to the toilet was appropriate we still had quite a few miles to travel. This meant of course walking through the entire dining area. I pulled her along quite quickly on the way back towards the door. She was now trying to forcibly expel more air as it had appeared to have run out, her new human whoopee cushion status was obviously pleasing her immensely. I explained how doing this action could go very very wrong and was not something i wanted to experience in Kentucky fried chicken at 7 pm on a Saturday night. 
Sadly this was the funniest scenario she had ever heard of and very nearly collapsed with laughter on the floor :0/
            I would like to apologies to the good people of Swindon, for the lack of respect my daughter showed to your meal out on that Saturday evening :0( 
             She is better now you will be glad to hear and has just started playing in a girls foot ball team. She is very proud of her new shiny football boots and has enjoyed wearing them to Tesco the doctors and to bed this week :0/
 I slightly worry about  her need to keep asking people to kick her hard in the shins though :0/ I'm sure shin pads are not for that!! She is apparently very good at the game, mind you she always has been good at kicking stuff . We have given her a new nick name which she is proud of. " I may play foot ball like David  Beckham" she stated " But I'm not going to call 'my' new baby Half past seven"  I raised my eye brows as did boy 40 we then laughed which is exactly what she wanted.
            Anyway i shall keep you no more Until next time dudes ;0) 
xxxxx

*  NEVER LET THIS EVIL BALLOON IN TO YOUR HOME

Birth, Wind And Fire

................ I'm not going to lie to you campa's I'm fed up! I have quite had enough now of this pregnancy malarkey!
It is currently 5 Am and i am yet again stuck on insomniac island with no boat to get off!
     I am seriously wondering if pregnancy is some kind of joke condition?? where each pregnant bird in the world is issued with her very own voodoo doll from up high, what is kept in the heavenly voodoo cupboard ready for any angry harpists / angelic type persons to do their worst on it!!!
    Currently i am texting from my mobile phone using my left hand. My right hand which 'is' my 'right hand' is splinted up, i cannot feel my fingers anymore if , in fact i still have fingers? its dark, for all i know they may well have fallen off. Everything else is falling off except for the weight. I do have a wrist and an elbow though, i know this because large elephants are currently stomping up and down on them. As if that is not bad enough what ever bad ass fairy is on pregnancy voodoo patrol duty tonight has set my esophagus on fire!!! Yes 'Fire' ladies and gentlemen big bad blazing fire! it has taken half a bottle of Gaviscon to get the blaze under control so far and I'm not expecting the fire to go out altogether anytime soon.
Worse than that can you believe is the painful 'wind pockets' these beauty's are all scattered about in places i never knew existed fizzing and popping with no way of escape!. God only knows where the hell my stomach is at the moment :0/ Apparently i should not sleep on my back at night because its bad for the baby!! 'sleep?' wtf is that? so on my side it is then. ever tried to sleep on Bursitis of the hips?? that's where the voodoo stabber has most of its fun oh apart from the strangulation :0/ Now, i kid you not every time i do fall asleep my airways swell up and i cant  breathe!! the least they could do is let me breathe!! well that voodoo stabbers having great fun with me and i wish she would just piss off!

  The worst thing of all though campas is the fact that i cannot drink wine! :0/ Wine was my friend, a little treat at the end of the day. You have all witnessed my days can you imagine them without wine??
    I'm thinking of writing my birth plan at the moment and its not going to be pretty. In points 1, 2 and 3 so far there are many swear words. Boy 40 is bricking it :0/ I shall attach it when it is finished it could be another pull out information guide, to keep with the other useful pullout guides you already have.
           Believe it or not i also have 3 mental friends who are pregnant at the moment, just today one of them agreed that at least we could still walk!!
Well 'we' can but my good friend fatty Claire has a pelvis what is falling apart so she does find it a little difficult :0(
Just me and Claire alone would suffice as an excellent contraceptive advert. Stick us both up naked on a bill board with arrows pointing to all of our ailments and there will NEVER be another teenage pregnancy in this country again!.
Hideously though we have both been wolf whistled on separate occasions just lately. I mean yes in our 'true forms' we are quite gorgealishious But now we look like Heffelumps and find these actions quite disturbing.
 I do have to admit i was sitting down in the car when white van man and his idiotic friends whistled and drove back past ....... backwards :0( but i still look like a chipmunk!! long gone did i think the days were of the guy on the bike who was staring at me and went over his handle bars in to a skip, probably one of the funniest moments of my twenty's. Or so i thought until i was also chatted up by a golfer on the common last Tuesday! I think the golf club may have been a white stick, i couldn't really tell due to the side winder winds from the hurricane which were blowing me and freaked out Fido all over the place. Even the cows had done a runner. The golfer was probably in storm trauma or something as when i got back to the car all i could see in the mirror was   a bashed up tree scarecrow off of withering heights. I decided to leave off of work for a bit as i could not feel my hand again which is not good if you are a colouring inner like me.
        I popped up to see boy 40 at work just to double check that he was not stupid enough to get up on a roof on this hideously windy day. Pulling up at said building site i discover that he 'was' up on the roof . Dog was still freaked out by these massive winds and refused to leave the car. Boy 40 was pleased to see me although he looked very afraid as i had in fact banned him from getting up on that roof in a hurricane.
By now the feeling in my hand was coming back so i dashed home where i was to spend the entire week producing the Christmas advertising poster for the towns Christmas extravaganza 2011. You may think that September is quite early to start thinking about Christmas but if i don't start it now i will soon be too fat to fit behind my desk :0(
This task however was not without its difficulties. It has  taken nearly 2 weeks due to the fatty stabby wrist voodoo fairy, painting in splints is not really an option unless they want a playschool drawing :0/ I suppose its my own fault really for not propelling myself into the modern world and just cheating with computer graphic technology, but no, not me the brave little soldier  even in pain i shall uphold the art of freehand illustration the sad cow that i am!!!  I cant really moan to be honest 2 years ago it was far worse the same artwork was completed with full blown swine flu :0/ have a look at it on my website the colour scheme was green....... That was not paint!!!   :0( This was After a 2 week stay in hospital with child 2 who contracted it first, this was another example of hideous bad luck. we had kept her in quarunteen on docs advise for weeks due to her lung problems, she was diagnosed with H1N1  the very same day she was due to have the vaccination. We finally came home after a collapsed lung much medication physio and no sleep. Just our luck don't ya think? not sure what was worse that or her burst appendix the previous year, I shan't go in to that little horror story you will be depressed for the rest of the day :0/
          Anyway blagh blagh moaning aside the artwork is all finished and looking lovely. Although no ones actually seen it yet to tell me otherwise!
         After a somewhat terrrible week i was reassured that being kind and putting myself out for people was good! ( after 38 years i was about to give up on  being kind) It just took one bunch of flowers off of intaflora to change my mind. These were from my dear old friend Edna a thank you for all of my efforts for this years country show art work. Its nice to be appreciated small thank yous go a long way.
          So i was happy for a day, until i received news that one of my hand painted bathroom tiles (off of 2 weeks ago) has to be redone because it has been broken!! By someone else!!!.......... not only have i done about 8 for free i now have to spend another 2 hours on another one.... I'm really not 'that' hard up. Boy 40 is in agreement that this is bollocks and very unfair :0( As was the speeding fine he received from a secret speed camera last Monday, this is i have to say his first speeding fine since 1994 but i did open a very large can off whoop ass  that evening. we call him Nige now, off of Nigel Mansell. That 60 quid could have bought 6 takeaway pizzas!
           Good things to happen this week were .......... i cant think of any. Oh apart from that fact that child 3 has been voted on to the school council. This is the second time and for this she is very proud. She did however vote for herself but insists that this was allowed. I was though quite surprised by her new powers, Apparently she does now have the authority to 'fire' the teachers!!! if she so wishes. She is to start with the supply teacher who challenged her to do a whole day without laughing. For this she would win a 'blue sticker'. What ever the crappy prize child 3 has to win it so she is now the proud owner of this said
'blue sticker'. She has though stuck it in her note book as evidence of the day her human rights were in her words
 'infridged' apparently teachers legally can 'not' stop you laughing  as they can also 'not' stop you farting ?? I'm unsure of these scribbled comments and do not know if she has had any problems with farting in the class room :0/  child 2 has not looked in to the legalities of fart prevention yet but i think its best to remain ignorant to this note book :0/
Another good thing was that the boy child had his birthday. He was pleased with his driving licence and lessons and i am looking forward to him being the local taxi driver instead of me.
The downside to the birthday celebrations was the fact that child 3 was to over fill her belly in pizza hut:0(  I kept telling her to stop, she did not. Then can you believe it after she had already over filled herself she ate half of the ice cream  factory! This was truly A wrong decision, i knew she would blow, ive seen it before, you can read about it in the Aphrodite's chocolate fountain blog from the spring :0(. WELL first she blew chocolate vomit all over the balloon dressed table, i say chocolate vomit it was more pizza salad and ice cream vomit coated in coke and smarties :0(
I kinda dragged her from the table as she barfed on the floor. Everyone was staring by now as daddy cleaned it up and she then flew fast through the air on the end of my hand to the toilets.
She looked at the toilet and said 'THAT'S TO DIRTY TO BE SICK IN' she promptly turned around and barfed up the rest of her insides in to the sink :0( this was not agreeable to me. I was going to die if anyone walked in, then wooof she did the other sink too :0( i could feel myself wanting to chuck up now but the toilets 'were' to dirty and she had done both sinks :0(
 I did not have much time and so put the taps on full in the hope it would wash it all away .......... fec!!! fec !! fec!!! it doubled its volume the lumps were to big for the plughole :0( there was nothing for it someone would surely arrive to do their toilet's any minute i had no choice. In went my hands :0( it took ages to push them lumps down :0( i am never eating pizza again :0(
           Well the day was to get worse! The boy child was having a party on this evening and unbeknown to me he had invited Brian blessed! :0(
Just how a small boy of 4ft something can own such a booming voice i have no idea? :0( Boy 40 myself the dog the cats and child 2 and 3 evacuated to the upstairs where we ate party food and watched DVDs. Only our party ended at 10.30.  Brian and the guys downstairs were still going on at 3Am. It was with much encouragement that i told child 3 to start up her marching saucepan band at 8 Am in revenge for my 2 hours sleep!
            As you can imagine with my sleep deprivation i have also done many stupid things this week, more stupid things than usual :0(
 I have been searching for an authentic Harris tweed jacket for the boy child's birthday since he saw one in a vintage shop in London but didn't have enough money to buy it. Being a thoughtful mummy i have been looking for months, i contacted every charity shop and vintage shop in the county in the hope they would get one in in his size, apparently these things rarely come in. My dad used to be a tailor he designed  and made jackets for Harrods in the 60's unfortunately he said he couldn't knock one up for me :0(
Unbelievably 2 days before his birthday one turned up!! god knows how this luck befell me. I went and picked it up!! perfect size and hand woven in the Hebrides perfect ........... So what did i do with it??? I put it in my washing machine :0( fec!
           I think I'm going to leave it there otherwise you wont believe how stupid someone can be with only one head :0(  i will tell you about my sleep texting problem and other idiotic moments next week :0(
Until then Have a happy week campas see ya next time ;0)

E.T Phone Home And The Hideous Eye Bogey :0/

Greetings one and all  I hope i find you all well on this dull September morning.
To be honest with you i don't know where to start this week. The dog has kindly just added me to the population of Insomniac island at 4.Am this morning by barking at invisible things again :0/
         Boy 40 is asleep so i have kindly put my cold feet on him to keep them warm, i need to write this weeks blogget there is no time at the weekend but i cant be letting down 2500 odd readers can i? 2500 my god i have to pinch myself when i look at the stats thanks guys who ever you are, my therapy sessions are getting bigger every week, i would like you all to consider yourselves at NVQ level in the counselling of a mentalist!!! Please email me if you would like a certificate.
        Well i cant be bothered to get out of bed its still dark and i have no pen or paper just my mobile phone and many things to say.  Well Its not a bad idea for 4 A.m i suppose the phones got background light, writing won't  make scratchy noises and there is no paper to shuffle. This campas is to be my first text-ed blog!!
         To be honest i should be glad that i still have a mobile phone :0/ I am very lucky that its has not been obliterated in to a million tiny pieces, stamped on a thousand times, chucked off of my balcony, run over by my car, set on fire and chucked in to the bottom of the river with a brick attached to it!!!!   BECAUSE 'THATS' WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH IT!!!
  Ooh sorry about that i still appear to be a little sensitive  about the infuriating incident of what i experienced on Tuesday :0(
       To say i have transmogrified in to Mr Twiddle or Frank Spencer would be an understatement, i mean i know i have always been this way, creating problems where there are none stressing myself like Mr Jelly when there is no need, but my pregnant brain is far far worse in fact im sure part of it has fallen out.
        I realised last Tuesday that i had not seen my mobile phone all day and decided to go fetch it, quite sure it was in my bedroom.
I couldn't see it so i rang it .......... I am still hearing those hideous vibrating sounds in my sleep :0( I could clearly hear my phone but could not see it. This was ok for the first 5 minutes of looking and then it became infuriating.
Being as fat as me is not funny anymore :0( Bending down is a task which has to be done sideways or from a stand up starfish position.
         Like the rest of my house there are many draws wardrobes and useless things that i 'Apparently' need in my room. The hmmmmm vibrating noise i finely pin pointed it to its precise  location, the very center of my bed. I checked under the duvet nothing, rang it again checked in the pillows nothing, I took the duvet out of the room rang it again nothing it was not in the duvet, this was part one of my excavation. The noise was still coming from the center of the bed grrrr, i was now beginning to swear a lot!! I took everything off of the bed and flung in in to the landing in anger. Rang it again, the noise was still in the center of the bed. Right then it must be under the bed. I flung off the mattress in a He-Man moment. I would not recommend this action on a heavy king size mattress if you  are 25 weeks pregnant :0(
          Under the bed was , well the only way i can describe it is..... 'The local Landfill site!' :0/ Grrr by now it was driving me insane what a waste of time i had so many other things to do.
 I searched the contents of the landfill which mainly consisted of kids toys old mobile phones random odd socks and various books which have only been half read because they got lost.

          The Hmmmmm was still in the same place may be my ears are deceiving me at the the moment?, everything else seems to be upside down or inside out my brain included. So i decided to move the search location to the chest of draws, may be i put it in one of them?
Already engulfed in this cave of wonders mess which was now quite deep this action made it worse, especially when i pulled them out from the wall revealing another bomb site :0/ You know my work desk? and how it used to resemble a 2p machine in an arcade, well my chest of draws was pretty much the same. Stuff gets put on other stuff gets pushed off :0( I did find a tenner and some stuff i lost for ages but this was no consolation for the hideous mess which would take hours to sort out.  Someone was actually now ringing the stupid phone, which was helpful it was not near the draws so then my wardrobe got it :0(
By now i was furious, madder than a mad hatter whose been sectioned! 3 bloody hours i had been ringing my phone and searching. I happily imagined in a little mirage of what i would  do to it if i found it this mainly involved much foot stamping and hot fire!!
Then the boy child arrived home he could see by my face that i was doing something insane, he was not impressed by the state of the upstairs now engulfed in a sea of underbed stuff and i agreed i would make an excellent burglar.In fact im thinking of changing careers im so good at it!
 Seeing mummy needed help (in many ways) he rang my phone.............

hmmmmmm came the hideous noise which went right through me making me sweat in anger. It was knocking on 4 hours by now.
          9 A';S genius boy child simply 'went upstairs!' He then returned ...... with my phone. It was sat all alone on the floor above, situated directly above my bed with 60 missed calls.
           I think i may be going insane. And that's all i have to say about that.
           Other disasters of the week include the Dyson animal hoovering up of the infa red control thing which belongs to the Wii :0( it wont suck up Animals like its supposed to but it sucks up games consoles!? and spits the wires back out all broken to pieces :0/ I have also managed to again dye many white things blue in the washing machine... Every single washing machine i have ever owned has dyed stuff blue!!. I may have to make a complaint to trading standards, that would be 7 different machines surely it cannot 'All' be me?? the coinciedence is to great.
            Child 2 started big school this week, she should have gone a year ago but had to stay behind a year due to her ill health. My little lady you see needs a bit more looking after than most kids so things like 'big schools' are kind of a scary thought for her  and me. I watched her on the first day walk down the path with her friends bless her cotton socks,  her back pack was so big she looked like a small turtle. I must admit i found it very hard to let her go off by herself for the very first time and cried a lot :0( most mums cry but why do i also put theme tunes to my sadness??, it makes it worse :0(
 Worse to come than that the stupid council had sent out the wrong bus pass so she couldn't get on the bus with her friends, this was not really a good start to the day especially as i was not there, her friends mum who lives near the stop told me she said ' id better go home to mummy ' That made me cry more. As things were not going swimmingly in my house hold again i decided to pick her up in the car,  she would have no idea what bus to get back on. This was all very well until i discovered that the main road up to school was closed :0( i really have no sense of direction at the best of times. now i had to negotiate long country roads with no meaning to me that all looked the same, luckily my mate Kev had given me some directions on Face book, i got there ok and she was completely shell shocked when she came out, just absolutely tired out. Getting there 'was' ok but could i do the directions in reverse??? .... Nah it took me god knows how long to get back home driving up and down long windy roads not knowing where the hell i was, luckily i had enough petrol :0/ I always say to passengers in my car that im 'not' lost im just somewhere else, i always find this is quite reassuring to them :0/ especially as child 3 needed a wee and child 2 a drink and a good lie down.
           The trip to the cinema the previous day was no better 10 of us all sat there waiting for the film, i had invited everyone because it was child 3's birthday treat. Un surprisingly to my friends and i the cinema put on the wrong film!, they all just looked at me in a 'well we are out with you' kind of way. which i accepted because ive just had to over the years. Child 3 decided a toilet trip was a good idea late on in the film and completely missed the end so that was a waste of time.
          The boy child i have not seen for 3 days he spent the entire weekend at the Fringe Festival in town, or the 'fridge vegetable' as child 3 told her nanny on the phone.  There were no fridges though or vegetables just lots of live bands, child 3 was glad she did not attend.
Monday i found the biggest spider in the history of the world in my bathroom, it was so big i am sure it could talk. I kindly put a bowl over it until boy 40 arrived home, only when he did it was gone :0( I'm worried now that its stomping about my house in anger looking for me :0/
Wednesday was boring I was annoyed by the revelation in the press that the government are to insist upon restaurants such as Macci Dees putting calories besides every item they sell. I was not annoyed by the fact that now i can see 'why' I'm so fat but annoyed by the fact that i came up with this idea in 1994!! ...To make all pubs cafes & restaurants put calories per meal on the menus. To cut the incidences of fatty boom booms and diabetes in  this country. I also invented fat pants in 1996 and a mirror to see your baby if its in the back in a baby car seat in 1995. Since then JML have nicked loads of my ideas as have the NHS i actually invented the patient appointment texting service in 1999 and I'm very annoyed! Well Jml i have lots more inventions if your interested i make them up you see on insomniac island i have a book of them....... i could make you a fortune!
           So that was the week that was, it just leaves me with one more thing. The eye bogey.
If you have ever walked about with a bogey on your face all day you will now have great sympathy for my minky fauxpas.
          I would hope at the moment that people are making allowances for me , Because i really ain't right!
It started with a simple trip to town, i chatted happily to my friends at school for 20 minutes then i popped to the art shop . I wondered then if i had breakfast all about my face or something as the lady kept second glancing me but looking away when i caught her. I then was to meet some guys I've worked for before they had come up on the train for the day to have some business meetings and stuff and thought it would be nice for a catch up, they showed me some rather exciting projects they have on at the mo, it was all quite professional, i gave them a few ideas for some advertising concepts and sketched out a couple of things in Costa coffee so they could show their illustrators they have on at the mo. I cant do anything you see, I'm far to fat for a start and am now wearing  wrist splints due to 'carpel tunnel  fatty wrist pregnancy syndrome' :o( all was well only the main guy Andy kept putting his hand up to his eye and i had the feeling he was looking at something on my face. We said our good byes and off i pootled down the town, the guy in the bank was very chatty but also interested in my face and so were all of the shop keepers i visited in fact i saw many people on that morning. Then i went back to the car.
It was then that i saw it. The biggest eye bogey i have ever seen in my life. I resembled a mutant frog with bulbous infected conjunctivitis! How i didn't feel there it i have no idea. And how it did not block 50% of my vision i don't know? It was all squidgy, perfectly round and jellyfied with streaks of mascara running through it, a hideous sight for anyone on a Thursday :0/. I must admit to you i have never had this problem before nor do i ever want it again. It must have been there the entire morning something that size needs time to form. If you know me personally you know i would be mortified by this, im so embarrassed, especially me the 'professional'  :0/ Artist, sat talking to important people in costa coffee with a Quasimodo eye:0(
 I suppose its my own fault, for being so vain. Some people don't care what they look like, eye bogeys, lady beards face boils ive seen em!!  i don't like to go out unless i look like i belong in L.A
        So to everyone i met that day i apologies for the gross sight of the eye bogey like i said I'm not quite myself at the mo.
             Well that's it i would like to congratulate myself on writing another load of complete and utter bollocks and hope that you have not all fallen from your chairs in complete boredom after hearing the next extract of my crap life! Hopefully next weeks may be a little more exciting than loosing my phone, government proposals and an eye bogey disaster......... who knows or dares to dream?

See yaw xx

Sponge Bob Square pants, My dog is on ebay & NEVER trust a salt and vinegar crisp!

Good evening one and all.
I write to you today from the dark realms of exhaustion street. It was not long after our last meeting that i was to discover that the 'big room swap over' in my home was not over :0(
       Seeing an empty room what used to be my pit of a studio child 3 was in love. I could tell this by the way she rolled around the multi coloured carpet and played i am aeroplanes all about the place.
'erm mum can i have this room?' ' can you paint it sponge bob? Aw pwease mummy!!' I did i have to say actually make this hideous suggestion quite some months ago, before i became immensely fat, started to suffer swollen ankles, bursitis in each hip and before the carpel tunnel syndrome kicked in :0/
          Boy 40 thought it a fabulous idea only he does not have the talent to paint a giant sponge bob square pants, Patrick star and all of their weird friends on the walls :0/ Being as soft as marsh mallows i stupidly agreed to it.  If anyone has ever seen child 3's bedroom you will agree that it looks like a burglary. We have a huge family and very many lovely Friends who are all very kind and generous. For this i am extremely grateful and consider myself very lucky, but it does mean that child 3's room is stacked up to the rafters with every toy you can imagine. 7 years worth of birthdays and Christmases not to mention toys passed down from the other two.
          It has taken an entire week to transfer it all and endless hours of precise painting ( i may have to charge her full illustration rates, and danger money from climbing up to the cabin bed) My knees have turned inside out from kneeling for too long, my neck is cricked from being in a drawing mode for a week and i can no longer feel my own hand :0( but hey these are the sacrifices we make to please our kids.........
          Whilst getting up extra early on one of these long days i discover out of the bathroom window sat at the top of my garden steps a fox! A fox i tell you as bold as brass just sat there and staring at me whilst listening to the Guinea pigs who were tweeting like mentalists as usual.The rabbit was keeping her gob shut and i don't blame her!
            The little git sat there for 2 hours just casing the joint. Boy 40 thinks it may be the same fox he now wishes he didn't save one morning on the way to work.
           The fox in our family is now commonly known as the 'fox dog' fox dog because of the darkness of the hour in what boy 40 saved it, he could only see its arse you see. May be it had returned to thank him for pulling the 6ft drain pipe off of its head as it was walking about the main road blind and disorientated at 5.30 am. Or may be it was angry that boy 40 had intervened it could have been some dodgy fox sport of which he was winning? it could have been the best bit of piping he had ever found and so was now seeking revenge. On my fat juicy Guinea pigs. Well for what ever reason he was there and is on the prowl and so now i am sleeping with one eye open and the bathroom window open too in case he comes back.
            That of course is when i do sleep 'Insomniac Island' (now an official facebook page) Still appears to be one of my most visited places :0(  I have just come to the conclusion though that my brain is far too busy thinking to go to sleep, i have been trying to get to sleep all of my life, i mean what a waste of time, i may as well spend more time writing crap like this and working out ways to rule the world.
           Its too hard to sleep in my house anyway, last Tuesday for instance Boy 40 was snoring like a water Buffalo and child 3 was sleeping in the middle like a star fish, it was like playing a game of tetris in there trying to squeeze my fat self in to the ridicules space which was free. I decided that to go sleep with the dawg was a better option and so headed downstairs to camp sofa. .......... That was worse! The dog thought that 3 am was a most excellent time for an all over body wash, the licking and slurping quite frankly made me feel sick and to make matters worse it was louder than a car wash. And then the hideous farting began :0( I did not much like my dog at this point and was very tempted to put her up for sale on EBay, Of course i would not mention the farting in my sales pitch and would defiantly offer free and immediate delivery.
         This week has been good and bad really, the bad being off of this morning when child 2 came downstairs full of snot coughing like a trouper and sporting a spluting out  nose bleed which reached down to the floor :0(
          This is all very unfortunate, she has been well for 6 whole weeks!!!! 6 weeks is good for her, but now a few days before she starts big school the snot fairy arrives!! :0( So i shall again be battling that bloody dark arts snot fairy fest with antibiotics, nebulisers, build up tonics and vitamin C. I 'shall' beat her this time and my princess WILL go to the ball, i mean school. Just to add to her misery and disappointment we shall be attending yet another hospital appointment down in Frenchay tomorrow, my poor little lady must feel like some kind of medical experiment its so not fair :'0(
          Flipping the coin last Thursday was one of my most happy if not apprehensive days ever. It was GCSE results day and i was bricking it!! At 7 am i left insomniac island on a boat and sailed down the stairs, where i proceeded to busily sand down a table and paint it to take my mind off of the 10.am results time. I then went back upstairs and painted Patrick star unsure of what ailment was worse the nervous shakes or the numbness in my hands from the carpel tunnel :0/
          I then very nearly killed the cat :0/ she really should not have jumped from that tree on to the outside of a second floor window, i was only trying to save her from the inside :0/ ..... she seemed to survive the drop though :0/  Very soon it was 9.30 and i was shouting the boy child to get out of bed, he was not as nervous as me and strolled about slowly getting ready with out a care in the world (he gets that from boy 40)
          On the drive to school he tells me of a story of how someones Alevel results spelt DUDE. He thought that was very funny and wondered what his would spell........ this made me worse :0/
          So we bump in to a load of his Friends along the main road outside school, out he hops and i watch them all walk in, not one of them looked afraid! Narrowly missing a cyclist head on i turned in to the car park and waited, texts were coming in thick and fast from scores of people wanting to know how he did, this also made me feel worse. I really must stop being this way i am sure if i had to wait any longer than i did i would have given birth there and then! nervous tummy aches are not good to have when you are 23 weeks pregnant. And then the Little dude appeared strolling along, his blonde head bobbing up and down chatting on his phone, turns out that daddy had phoned him and was the first to know his results! grr boy 40 i wanted to know first!!
         Still 400 metres away i could not hold back anymore and so wound down the window. 'WHAT DOES IT SPELL?????' i screamed AAAAAAAAA boy child screamed back!!! i screamed back too but louder. OMG '9' A'S 9 bloody A'S and an A* and 2 B's!!!! It is official my boy child is a super genius!! After nearly weeing myself i sent around a mass text to all of our family and friends whilst boy child phone his Nan & Gramps.  I think i have only just stopped shaking god knows what ill be like on his uni graduation day :0/
           We went straight to town where we opened up a bank account for him where i deposited a hefty sum of money of what i had been saving for this since year 8 just for this purpose, Suffice to say that many other people had had the same idea and he has many well done gifts of cash and such like rewards for being so good.
         Child 3 i think was a little put out by all of the fuss he was receiving and looked rather jealous at every text message which came through, child 2 was as usual just happy for her big brother and added a sorry comment about how poor she will be on her results day because shes missed so much school. I reassured her she would be fine of course being our future priminister she will be loaded ;0) ' Come on ' i said in an attempt to cheer 2 and 3 up lets go spend your pocket money from Granny. I knew the soft rocket air puffer gun was a mistake as soon as i saw the look in child 3's eyes when she saw it :0/ This theory was to be confirmed when she accidentaly shot an old lady in the head in Wilkinson's :0/ She has made a pest of herself with it ever since and i am now glad that it is stuck up on top of the porch roof. I did however catch the little monkey standing on a garden chair in an attempt to climb up to get it.
            That evening g the boy child went to an exam results celebration party with his pals. Boy 40 took child 2 and 3 Laser tagging for a treat for child 3's birthday coming up. Gawd help them all i thought as they left, she had had much gun practice on this day already :0/ So i was all alone painting a large pink snail, this was when the shout out on the radio came through to congratulate my boy. Typically i was the only person who heard it because they were all out, only it was no surprise to me cos i was the one who text the DJ :0/
          So the week ended in a shopping trip and a lovely celebratory meal for the boy child. I knew though however that i had again purchased too much shopping when the car thought it (the shopping) was an 'Actual' person and started beeping at it to put its seat belt on :0/ i really must get some therapy for this addiction.
That's it really campas i was going to share with you a couple of interesting things wot i found in the dark depths of my studio last week but that will have to wait till next week, you are all probably bored to tears of me by now .
          Just one last thing though of what i must warn you. Never trust a salt and vinegar crisp!
          Last night i was sitting there minding my own business when a crisp i was eating catapulted itself right in to my left eye! Why this freak thing would happen to me i do not know but expect my goblins had something to do with it. I flitted about a bit in hideous pain and then ran in  to the kitchen Boy 40 ran after me like a 999 rescue force. The crisp and all of its salt and vinegaryness was stuck up inside my left eye lid and it flimmin hurt a lot. I am very aware of scratched eye balls from a friend of mine and a Christmas tree accident a few years ago and they are not pleasant. I kept my eye closed well i couldn't open it anyway, and boy 40 bathed it with some warm water hoping that that my eye ball would soak up all of the flavour and soften the crisps sharp edges. Thankfully it worked and it came out, i was glad to be avoiding an embarrassing trip to casualty with a salt and vinegar crisp stuck up my eye. Anyway i really must go now child 3 has painted a T.Shirt with red poster paint in my bathroom what i have just cleaned :0( she has told me not to worry about the mess already which leaves me again in nervous anticipation :0/
                Just one last thing. A quick question before i go which i think needs addressing. Put to me originally by child 3, she does i feel have a very good point and has raised health and safety issues we all need to be aware of.
            " What happens if you have an Electric Blanket and you wet the bed???"
Answers on a post card please.
Until next time i leave you with sponge bob xx turrah

Martin Lewis i want to marry you ... & Hurrahh for Noel Edmunds!

Greetings
Today i write to you from Insomniac island, i spend most of my nights here now :0( But tonight i am here as a volunteer. There are snooze boats of what i could probably drift off on, but it seems that my brain is again  intent on filling the world with another extract of literary crap, so i have chosen to stay.
            Any how I'm far too busy in the daytime to write crap such as this.
This week the mass clear up operation has commenced. Not the flood damage clear up oh no 'that' little baby was last week. I'm beginning to see why i spend all of my time on the island now, its much less stressful!! This week was the beginning of the great room swap over :0( ......... I blame myself entirely for the confusing piles of crap some dating back to 1824 :0( and the general scatty un keptness of the whole place, i think its the artist in me and sometimes i wish she would piss off! Does anyone remember Mr Trebas off of the life of grime?? I feel i may be related to him :0(
4 Days ago i started taking apart my studio !!! 4 bloody days, i started with a big bin bag, I'm moving it downstairs you see so child the 4th can have a bedroom. It is i have to say driving me insane! The room downstairs is also much smaller :0/  Boy 40 has already told me i must keep the new room tidy. He's the sorter of the household and if it was not for him the whole place would explode!! .... much like a tsunami it would engulf the whole of the village and cascade down in to town knocking people out with various unwanted house hold items, un opened letters and crap i have kept since the 80's.
         I sometimes wonder if there is may be some kind of medication you can get for being me?? its hard work in every area, everything i do or look at ends up in a pickle of some sort :0/ For example, My friend Corrinne has just opened up a shop in town, its got some of my stuff in it, mainly hand painted tiles. A man walked in a few weeks ago rather fancying some kitchen / bathroom tiles of what i had painted. As there were not enough in the shop i agreed to come out of retirement and paint some for him.
Easy i thought i have all of the paints I've got blank tiles blah blah.
hmmmm Nah that's just not me i cant sit down at my desk take a tile some paints and just get on with it!!!
        Reaching for said paints (ceramic paints £4.00 a pot). they were gone :0( i must admit the hole (work space) on my desk in what i work gets smaller each time i use it :0( The whole desk is kinda like  one of those 2 p machines you would find in a seaside arcade, stuff just gets shoved off as more stuff gets put on
 :0(  ...... and you never win anything. So this is what happened to the paints they had been shoved off of the back, by some catalogues selling paint ironically. This would also be 'ok' if it wasn't happening to me!, i could just get under the desk and pick them up. But of course that would be far to simple, oh yes it would be much better if the paint lids had not been put on properly, and the paint pots had fallen over, started tipping when the desk hole space was bigger, pouring down on to the radiator and the cream carpet below :0( A secret what i could have kept from boy 40 for years!! but not now now the room was to be emptied...... he will not be pleased.
        Not only annoyed as my profit was slowly going down the drain, (or the radiator) but i now have a multi coloured carpet.
        Following a whole wasted day purchasing more paints a whole day because child 1 2 and 3 were involved and also had to go to shops they wanted to go to, i returned home.
         It was late now and after dinner but due to the timing of the deadline i proceeded to paint the backgrounds. The said tiles were all laid out neatly on my desk to dry over night,, rather like the leather from the elves and the shoe maker book, Only no elves came in the night to to finish them
. Oh no Asbo cat the great paid a visit, she must have entered the room when they were of a tacky state of dry, i could tell this by the cat arse hole print on the middle one. The rest of them looked like i had scattered them prettily with black pubes what i had carefully collected and selected that very day to add extra character. :0(
              Disastrous was not the word, who ever would want furry bathroom tiles?? apart from Mr Trebas. Even i could not get away with this and so i had to do them all again, my profit was now going in to the negative, but hey I'm quite used to that.
           Well Campas that was the very day before the cosmos decided to smile upon me and give me some good luck. Remember the good luck day i had a few months ago? and the one in 1997?? well its happenening again and i think I'm on a roll!!, if you would like to know what the cosmos can actually do for you, ask Noel Edmund's he's the one who told me its secret and for that i am very grateful...
            Following a 3 hour wait on the tax credits help line which i had to phone back twice because the phone battery's kept going ( that wasn't very lucky i admit) I discover some good news. Thanks to the shitty recession boy 40 and i have earned the equivalent to what they paid cleaners in Dickens times in the last few years, so we are owed some back dated cash!!!! its only gonna pay off a small piece of over draft but its better than a kick up the arse and made me very happy.
          To add to this i would like to Marry Martin Lewis and to thank him for banging on about ppi so much!!
          Being a victim of the recession fall out i spend much time on Insomniac island dreaming up rich quick schemes. I have at least 20 dragons den ideas, and 40 odd money making propositions which need a bit of tweaking. One particular night i decided to take Martin Lewis's advise and i wrote a letter to my payment protection insurance company.
          For years i have been telling boy 40 to sort it out, its crap and doesn't work for self employed people like us. He has nothing to do with anything in an envelope though and appears to be allergic to opening any post, I'm not sure if he even knows who we bank with :0/  So i took it upon myself to sort it out, i wrote a simple letter just asking for my money back............ Following the 'piss off your stupid' letter i received from the Halifax re the home insuring flood thang. I did not hold out much hope..........
         They sent back a letter!! and they are making a full refund!!! omg this surely is the beginning of my good luck life!! i shall be doing the lottery this week and i fully expect to win it!!
          ..................... Sorry it appears i took the snooze boat from the island at this point! It is now 3 days later and i am pleased to say that child 4 now has a nursery!! No double wardrobe that's still full of fitness contraptions that i and boy 40 will never use. but hey you cant have everything.
        Child 4 by the way is a little girl totally outnumbering boy 40 and child 1, in fact child 1 is rumoured to be looking for a new home, but he was only joking he will never leave his mummy!
        The scan went well and child 4 reminded me a lot of the others ... gobby. She spent most of her time eating or singing which i couldn't be sure, i told you she'd be just like the others look at the mouth on her

She will never stop talking i can tell already, she appears to be laughing her head off !! May be i will just buy boy child 1 some super sonic ear plugs.
         Child 3 is still not sure about a new baby i may have to get her some counselling, she's trying her hardest to work out a way where she can still be the youngest :0/
         I actually caught child 3 in a cute girly moment this week, this is an odd occurrence, being a tom boy she spends most of her time in the mud. Walking past her bedroom i heard some singing, there she was sitting cross legged on the floor singing Oh Danny boy whilst mending the wheel on her pram. It was a sweet gorgeous little girly moment of what i will cherish, the moment ended when i looked in to the pram. There led her monkey with half of its head missing, it apparently happened in a hairdressing accident :0/ the rest of him was bandaged up like it had been part of a terrible experiment :0/
 Oh well that's all i can expect really, i didn't want to ruin my ideal moment and so have since put the monkey out of my mind.
           Child 3 has also been up to her usual tricks this week, just one of them being the creation of a fake social blunder to amuse herself when we were out.
          Being girls as they are it is my duty to take them to the toilet every five minutes when we are out, boy 40 finds this hilarious as he sits and watches me up and down like a yo yo whilst he's drinking beer.
         On the 4th toilet trip child 3 was in the cubical laughing like a hyena. I could not imagine what was so funny, she was by herself in the toilet ??
          I then realised what she was up to when she strolled back in to the restaurant with 2 metres of toilet paper hanging from the back of her trousers :0(  It got the reaction she was looking for as she waltzed past the tables of diners.
         She then made a visit to condiment island to get some sauces of which she did not want, just to cover the other half of the place.......... i think i need to get her in to stage school. I am quite sure though that everyone knew exactly of the fake faux pas by the way she kept bending over in hysterics to herself :0? So I'm sorry if you were there that day and did not find it at all funny .
       The next day i had to see the consultant at the maternity hospital, this is just routine because of child 2's heart problems. The consultant however spent most of her time laughing at child 2's birth story!! (its in the January section of the blog if you need to cheer yourselves up) She then asked if i would be having the baby in stroud, i said yes she said 'what anywhere in stroud?' I did laugh too i must admit and I'm glad i have entertained the NHS with my misfortunes. To be fair though the NHS has paid out thousands for child 2 so i do owe them one. The latest episode being in this week. Attempt 4 to give her some much needed injections :0( this time sponge bob n Patrick took her, aka Nanny and Grampy. It was a military operation, i carefully selected clothes for that day a short sleeved t.shirt ( her tactic last time was to zip up her fleece to her chin and hold the cuffs tight) Anesthetic cream on at 8.30 precisely. Story told about how grampy needs her to take him to the doctors for his flu jab because he is scared! Good lord it worked !!! she even offered to share some of the magic numbing cream. Even the staff at the doctors were flabbergasted, they normally put out a four minute warning. I myself warn the town to baton down the hatches and lock all of the doors.
        Well Grampy can take her again, she has a blood test coming up and the dreaded MRI still has to be done :0(
         For a treat they took child 1 2 and 3 shopping to buy them some presents, one present being a sponge bob monopoly game for child 3.
         I'm sorry to say i have been in  jail now for 3 days!! I just 'can't' roll that darn double ;0) Its not so bad though cos whilst the cheating and stealing of bankers money is going on on the floor, i can lie on the sofa eating crisps and watching TV ;0)
        I'm off now i seem to have been rabbiting on for hours sorry if you are bored!! but please come back next time. I shall leave you with a picture of the finished tiles (without the black fur) just so you don't think me completely unprofessional :0)
TTFN

Dear Dominic Littlewood ................. im having a few problems with 'fate'

Today has not been one of the greatest, You may not be surprised to hear that! I have decided that after 30 something years i probably should not believe in fate anymore. Gullible i may be but have always believed that things happen for a reason.
        Reading back through my blogs and thinking back on my life in general I'm seriously starting to doubt that theory now :0(
        I mean what possible reason could there be for my latest blunder of humongous proportions??
I decided last week to do a Balance transfer on my credit cards they are of exceedingly high amounts. This process involves transferring balances from old credit cards with interest rates of 16 % or more to new ones with 0%, i mean 16 % on 20 grand is a lot of money :0(  Ill tell you one day why i have accumulated 20 grand, its a very long story and not at all funny :0( grrrrrrr
        So the process 'simples' you may think. Well if you know me personally you will know my maths is hideous so faced with the said 20 grand, five credit cards and a computer things were probably never going to turn out right :0/ i had also been on insomniac island all night working out this little scheme in my head.
        All was going well until i received an email from one of the credit cards i had just opened. They informed me that the balance transfer was NOT successful. Pants!!!! as it was close to pay some off day i was a little nervous by this revelation. So i opened another credit card and transferred the balance again.
        Everything was groovy until i received a confirmation letter from the failed balance transfer credit card a few days later. FAILED BALANCE TRANSFER MY ARSE!! the balance was on there! Now this would have been good if i had not ALSO transferred the balance to another card :0( :0(
        I am probably the only person in the world to have a credit card in credit :0(  £4000 in credit. wot a twat!!! and i paid over £100 for the privilige.
       So Fate for what possible reason will that benefit my life? Another question for you is Why would i have 2 floods in one weekend?? Even Noah didn't get 2 floods in one weekend!
       It was last Sunday when i arrived home from picking up the boy child that the series of unfortunate events were about to unfold.
       Child 3 was outside with a homemade placard. Upon it were the words 'DO NOT ENTER THE FLOOD OF DOOOM ' A bio hazard creature sat in the corner with rain on its head with what looked like a poo floating in the sky.
       I did not worry too much as this is quite normal behaviour for child 3. I did not worry that was until i entered the front door. It was then for the second time in my life that i saw it raining inside :0( The first being the great flood of 2004 at my old house, my old new house what i wrecked all 3 floors to in a self plumbing accident :0(
      So 2011 and here i am again Boy 40 was all of a panic. The water was cascading down the inside of the ceiling slope above the stairs and saturating the carpet below. It came through the middle landing ceiling also saturating the carpet below, the Middle bathroom ceiling didn't look to healthy either.
      Worse was to come when i went upstairs, there the flood was at its epicenter 3 inches deep on the shower room floor, it had soaked through to the landing and two bedrooms either side. It was then that i had the awful thought, the toilet it was leaking from was blocked this morning with rather unsavoury stuff emitted from child 2's bottom :0(
       .......... My feet were wet, with what i knew not :0(  There was so much water it could have well diluted any nasty stuff by 1000 times. There was no colour to the flood water which was encouraging but i could have missed this particular poo train when i was out :0(  boy 40 was in the kitchen when it all started probably listening to radio 4 :0( i still have no idea if the poo train rode through that day or not :0/
         Monday was worse. I phoned the Halifax yes the 'HALIFAX' and tried to claim on my house insurance, after all i had 4 wrecked ceilings and as many wrecked carpets. Going through the claim was all fine until the man kindly tells me that there is a £500 excess charge. £500 ??? i say are you mad?? When i took out the policy it was £250. 'Yes' he said but you also have a £250 voluntary excess on the policy. I asked him what idiot would volunteer to pay £250 on top of a £250 excess charge. He basically said 'you did' or words to that effect.
       I argued with him and then argued with someone else i didn't get anywhere and neither of them appeared to give a shit........ Thieving vagabonds. I wrote a letter of complaint and received a letter back, i thought they would have some basic understanding and customer care but no, they basically told me to piss off, saying my renewal documents would have both excess charges in them. ( i haven't even recieved any renewal documents.
      Child 3 told me to write to 'Dont get done get Dom'  (Dominic littlewood off of the t.v) She is a frequent writer to him, her most recent letter being on the advertising misrepresentation of Science club at school. Child 3 has rather an imaginative head and took the advertisement they came in to school and did, as the certain fact she would be blowing up classrooms, doing exciting experiments with frogs and turning her classmates in to toads........ Of course it was nothing like this, she didn't even show up to the last one because it was so boring, and i paid £47.00 for it.
        Child 3 was madder than a hatter about this, the letter was 2 pages long, her point being that its not right to falsely advertise something. Child 2 our future priminister told her that advertisements are there to fool you and pointed out that meercats cannot talk and skoda cars are not in fact made of cake.!!
         As if that was not enough i headed downstairs to the kitchen fuming by what the Halitwats had said. It was at this point the microwave blew up and a heavy pot of marmite fell on my foot. 'MUM' shouts child 3 what is that??? i looked up to see water coming through the kitchen ceiling. This was not the toilet flood!! it was coming from my en suite no where near any of the toilety flood mess. 'Well that's just F  ing marvelous ' i thought to myself. The bathroom is tiled from floor to ceiling and there was no obvious sign of leakage, water was though leaking somewhere in the shower, where from i had no idea, so i needed a plumber for the 2nd time in 2 days. :0(
        I called my 10 year builders guarantee but it turns out that 'That ' cant even guarantee it will be dark tonight :0(
       Frankly I'm pissed off with the cowboy builder shite which is going on in my house that toilet flood was not a surprise its never worked properly, none of them have to be truthful. :0(
                                            Here is my letter to Dominic Littlewood for your information.

                 

Well ill let you know what he says, i have to go the smoke alarm is going off, it appears that i have tried to boil potatoes on the stove with no water in the sauce pan :0/

TTFN xxxx